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Original poster

Give it to me straight- how old is too old?

64 replies

Mumfortoddler · 23/10/2011 15:36

Hello!

Just met a new man just under 2 months ago- I am 31 with a two year old DS. The new man is seemingly wonderful, attentive, caring, romantic but is also 18 years my senior. He has been wonderful around my son (they met a couple of times so far but not too much as obviously that is not such a good idea early on!) and seems a generally ace guy- but we get funny looks when we're out and about and my family/friends tease me senseless about him being older. I don't really mind my friends and family being given something to laugh about, but I wonder really- is that age difference just too big? There is part of me that thinks age is just a number and the other half is saying oh dear that really is too old. Just to say he is lovely, and amazing, and clearly has potential for me to fall head over heels in love- but really- with someone 18 years older? Thoughts please...

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 23/10/2011 16:32

Whisking away in an established relationship can be romantic, yes, because the whisker knows the whiskee well enough to know that s/he will enjoy the whisking. Two months in, I dunno, could be, but makes me a bit leary.

kampakat · 23/10/2011 16:35

Mumfortoddler ... just checking, your new man doesn't live in the Westcountry does he?

uselessbillynomates · 23/10/2011 16:43

If you have got reservations enough about it to post on here then in my opinion you have got reservations to take seriously and therefore reconsider.

squeakyfreakytoy · 23/10/2011 16:46

I am getting a bit deja vu-ey now.... was it pilots, large country piles and estate agents..... Confused

Original poster
Mumfortoddler · 23/10/2011 17:05

The whisked away bit was a romantic expression we planned the trip together and yes I meant in terms of there were elements of it that were a surprise but he has already told me these anyway.

I would just like to point out that after my DS' father I have been exceptionally careful and have had one wonderful relationship since which didn't work out for very legitimate reasons, and that I am not in the habit of dating abusive men. I also had extensive therapy and group work stuff following my DS' father so I am at least armed with heaps of knowledge.

It's natural to have a healthy degree of scepticism when someone wants to get involved that is still married and I have been through the motions of finding out why they split up etc... I'm not airing my argument with him on here but just to say it was a misunderstanding and has been resolved.

Thanks for all the feedback and I am pleased you are all such a caring bunch, but I can only say that if I had any doubt he was abusive or had any such future doubts I would be gone in an instant. Its clearly difficult to trust again after what happened, but like anyone starting a relationship again the answer is always slowly. I may have gave the impression we are rushing in but on average we see each other a night a week at the moment and every two-three weeks we have had a weekend together- and this has been largely down to me wanting to do things slowly rather then his lack of availability.

I hope like everyone out there that he's a good one.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumfortoddler · 23/10/2011 17:06

P.S. No he doesn't live in the West Country or anyway close, phew!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumfortoddler · 23/10/2011 17:07

sorry that should have said 'anywhere close'.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumfortoddler · 23/10/2011 17:08

P.S. I was posting on the age thing- its you guys that have turned it into an analysis of his character!!

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 23/10/2011 17:08

Well, best of luck to you, and I do mean it. Glad you know how to keep yourself safe, though sad you learned the hard way. Carry on slowly is the right thing to do for now, I think.

LydiaWickham · 23/10/2011 17:14

some of my male friends seem to have a calculation as to the acceptable age gap with someone younger - apparently it's half your age plus 7 years. So for a 49 year old man, that would be 31.5 years, so you're just the acceptable age gap limit! Grin

Beamur · 23/10/2011 17:20

My DP was still married when I met him, separated, but still legally married. It felt slightly odd but wasn't really an issue. The marriage was over.

MsHighwater · 23/10/2011 17:37

The age thing, on its own, is irrelevant. My dh snd I are almost 20 years apart in age. If he's the one, you need not be worried about his age.

AnyPhantomFucker · 23/10/2011 17:48

"us guys" are concerned for you, and pointing out the stuff you need to look out for is not a character assassination of you love

good luck x

mouldyironingboard · 23/10/2011 17:57

I think it's a bit too old, especially if he doesn't look or act much younger. He's 50 next year whereas you will still be in your early 30s. If he's a nice guy, I hope it works out but to be honest I believe that the age gap will become a problem in the future.

Mybubbleburst · 23/10/2011 18:09

I met my dw when she was 20 and I was 37, admittedly I had to let her grow up, e.g two or three boyfriends before we really got together, but now we have been married for 22 years and have two great children in mid and late teens and our love is stronger now than then. Now in my sixties but few believe it, can pass for late 40's. So I would say watch how it goes and if it's right, go for it, don't let age put you off.

springydaffs · 23/10/2011 18:27

What a great post from bubble!

I don't think the age gap is a problem at all. The only thing I think about if I'm thinking about a relationship with someone older is whether the, ahem, equipment works as that would be just terrible if it didn't

apologies for sounding show-offy but I get a lot of interest from younger men, not just she'd-know-what-to-do-in-bed/mummy complex either. I'd definitely go for it if they've already had their kids! That isn't an issue with you though as he could father children ad infinitum moreorless.

I'd have to say though that I'm also a bit queasy about the whisking away comment - it did make me jolt when I read it. Also the big flirt thing. Anyway, as you pointed out, you didn't ask about his character, only his age, so in my book I really don't think the age matters as long as the equipment is going strong

springydaffs · 23/10/2011 18:31

garlic you're either 56 or 20. your sums are confusing me Wink

garlicBreathZombie · 23/10/2011 18:48

It's in my profile! Nowt wrong with my arithmetic [hsmile]

If I'd managed to divorce a man 12 years my junior by the age of 20, we'd be living in a peculiar place ...

springydaffs · 23/10/2011 19:23

beg pardon, bear with...

AnyPhantomFucker · 23/10/2011 19:52

springy...you on the Wine ?

springydaffs · 23/10/2011 19:55

Grin why do you say that phantom? (no is the answer)

garlicBreathZombie · 23/10/2011 19:57

It's not a bad idea, though. Off to the shop [hgrin]

AnyPhantomFucker · 23/10/2011 20:01

'cos you sound pissed

perhaps I is pissed (yes is the answer)

Smile
springydaffs · 23/10/2011 20:06

ah see, projection Grin

(and I thought I was being funny people don't get my dazzling humour, clearly)

springydaffs · 23/10/2011 20:06

oh bum with the --s. It was that bracket's fault.

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