Being abused by dad as a child

[Justwant2leaveit]

Sorry didnt know where else to post. Just needed a few kind words and support .

I was abused as a child by him, he touched me and made me do things to him. I have learnt to live with it, and leave it in the past, except its all being dragged up, as the police are building a case against him, I want to talk to me, I just cant drag it up again and certainly dont want to go to court and have to face him.
I just want them to leave me alone, I hate feeling like this

[izzywhizzysfritenite]

I know exactly where you're coming from DonDiego, hence my disclaimer.

I do not, and would not, expect victims of childhood sexual abuse to either go out and 'save the world' or attempt to save others from the torment that they have gone through before they feel ready to mount the podium.

But, in this case, the OP does not have to knock on doors to spread the message because the police are knocking on hers, and I understand and fully support her if she decides that she is not at home.

However, I have known cases where the victim has arrived at the conclusion that their only path to resolution is to do their utmost to have the perpetrator brought to justice, only to find that mortality has cheated them of their aim.

This is why when we revist our pasts, whether voluntarily or reluctantly, we should always bear in mind our futures and take from our history what we need to succour and comfort us on our onward journey.

[DonDiegoYDoritoYTinto]

Izzy,i do understand what youare saying. But the reality is the only responsibility the OP has is to herself now. She should never be made to feel bad for not acting. She is not society, nor the police. She a a vulnerable person who has rebuilt her life against all odds, and has children herself she must look after.

Yes, in an ideal world, victims of sexual abuse would be strong and fly to flag for justice. But only on their own terms, if it will not destroy them in the process.

Please don't use the emotional guilt trip of what about other victims. she is not responsible for his actions. cannot police them. Cannot stop them.

For most victims of sexual abuse as children, just living and surviving is all they can ask themselves. It is not their job to save the world as well.

[izzywhizzysfritenite]

You're never going to be ready, honey, but sometimes we have to revisit the past in order to protect others in the future.

How would you feel if, god forbid, one of your dc suffered even a small fraction of what you have been through and you discovered that no case could be made against the abuser because it was their word against his - and that a victim whose experiences could substantiate what your dc was saying, refused to co-operate with the police?

It is a fact that some 90% of those who have been abused never get to see their abuser held to account in a Court of Law.

By co-operating with the police you may have the opportunity of being in the - and I use the word sardonically - 'privileged' position of knowing that your abuser is held to account, but even if this does not come to pass you will know that you did everything in your power to help other innocent victims of his perversion and to prevent him destroying more lives, and this knowledge alone may help facilitate and speed your own personal healing process.

The longer you leave it to speak out, the longer it will have the power to eat away at you in places that you won't even be aware of until it's too late to repair them.

I wish I didn't have to say of the above and I am aware that you, and others, may be of the opinion that I shouldn't have written these words in response to your post, but if I failed to speak out on behalf of victims of chidhood sexual abuse I'd not ony be compromising my integrity, I'd also be failing them - and the irony is that if other adults hadn't failed them, there'd be no need for me to speak out.

[Justwant2leaveit]

Sorry I vanished its been hectic at the moment here.

Thanks for all your lovely words, it is appreciated. I dont really know why I started the thread, maybe so I could see it written down, but I still do not want to do it I am not ready. Thank you for the support everyone, its just how I feel.

No comrade that was not me

[potbellyqueen]

dottyspotty I can't imagine the additional hurt you must feel having told your parents and them choosing to side with your brother. I hope you get the closure you need from the case.

[NotnOtter]

Potbelly I take my hat off to you .... I could nit have done it without a screen

This thread is good op - I still find a weird sort of peace from knowing I'm not alone

Spotty I hope it all goes well - the family siding with the perpetrator is a phenomenon I know happens a lot but will never understand - never. They are welcome ...

My case was also an historical one with only minor bits of information to back me up - I found the police to be very kind patient and helpful - totally changed my view tbh

The courtroom was hard maybe the hardest days of my life - well yes the hardest- but my statement flowed and I made sure I said what I wanted .... When you wait decades the hurt rubs deep and it IS a healing process.

I wish all if you on here the best in life and please pm me for information - after my case I felt I'd learned so much that I should use the experience to help other women suffering the same ..

[dottyspotty]

It was my older brother with me he's 11 years older full intercourse from the age of 4 or 5 it's actually my first memory. Spent years trying to put it to the back of my mind had counselling on and off from 17 -23. My parents believed him when he was confronted me and my sisters where jealous because he had done well he was only in the RAF. Dad died 5 years ago and my mum has had ample opportunity to put him out of her life but she still sees him as the golden child.

I came to a decision last month and walked into the local police station and reported him it is being taken seriously and medical records are being collected from when I was 12 as I was hospitalised with hemorrhaging and underwent a d&c and had injuries because of the abuse.

I have to give a police interview next week on camera to be sent down to the English authorities and also give all addresses where it took place as they are classed as 3 separate crime scenes, if it goes to court I will have to go down to my home county but the detective who is supporting me is very hopeful of a conviction despite it being nearly 30 years ago that it stopped.

For me I needed closure as it has been eating away at me and now is the right time for me to deal with it and my sons SW has said anytime I need to talk to give her a ring.

[potbellyqueen]

NotnOtter - I was told that extra measure like screens and video links were only only really available if I could show that I was severely traumatised by what happened. Because I'd never spoken to anyone about it, and because I'd done my best to get on with a normal life, I couldn't 'demonstrate' that I was traumatised. It isn't enough to say that going over sexual abuse from your childhood in a room full of strangers would be traumatic for anyone, you have to show that it would cause you extra trauma because you are extra vulnerable.

Perhaps I was given bad advice by the court liaison lady, or perhaps I could have pushed for something, but I think I tried to pretend it wasn't really happening right up until the last moment.

I was told it is quite difficult to secure a conviction for an historical case, in my case I was not the only victim who made a complaint, I think that helped. I guess that's why justwant2 has been contacted. Not everyone who was contacted during the police investigation into my case agreed to make a complaint and I completely understand their reasons for not wanting to.

[Pagwatch]

I know what you mean justwant.

If you have reached a level of normality then the idea of that fragile peace being interrupted is so difficult. And talking about it raises all those difficult thoughts. For me I fret that I should have stopped it, I hate the shame as well as my mixed emotions about one of my abusers.

But like others have said you are coping now. Better to really deal with it I think. Better for you and for your children.

[ComradeJing]

Op you don't have to answer this but are you the poster with a lovely ex boyfriend who was close to your mum? Don't want to say anything that could link threads so I know that's a bit vague.

If you are then you poor love you're going through an awful lot at the moment. If not then you poor love this is an awful lot to go through.

I don't have any advice but want to send you hugs and best wishes. I'm a willing ear to listen too.

[izzywhizzysfritenite]

Much as you'd hoped it had gone away, it has been dragged up again and it will take you some time to deal with that fact.

Although the police are apparently building a case it doesn't necessarily mean that you will be required as a witness but, even if you are asked to give evidence, you're not obliged to agree.

A significant number of paedophiles plead guilty in the hope of a reduced sentence because they know that they are even more despised in prison than they are in wider society. When this happens, some victims feel cheated of their day in Court, their opportunity to speak out against those who are responsible for causing them such horrendous pain and emotional distress.

Only you can decide whether you are willing to talk to the police but, for me, the acid test would rest on the probability of my evidence preventing another child suffering at the hands of the perpetrator.

You are between the proverbial rock and a hard place and I wish I didn't have to ask this question, but if your lack of co-operation with the police meant that your abuser went free to sexually molest more children, would you rest easy in your bed?

It takes courage and bravery for a victim of sexual abuse to revisit the past; the fact that you have managed to overcome your childhood experiences, albeit that they cannot be completely erased from your memory, suggests that you have these two qualities in spades.

Whatever you decide to do, I sincerely wish you well for the future.

[NotnOtter]

potbelly poor you how terrible but let's hope things will continue to get better

did you not want a screen?

[potbellyqueen]

I was abused by my father when I was a child. I didn't tell anyone until my DD was born, I felt then that I had to do it to protect her. He pleaded not guilty, so I had to go to court and testify (and be accused of making it up for attention). He was found guilty, sentenced to 5 years in prison and has to remain on the sex offenders register for life. He's out of prison now, which terrifies me because he's also violent, but he doesn't know where I live and isn't allowed to try and contact me, so I try to get on with my life.

The police were slow to get things moving, but once they did they were kind and quite thoughtful. I hated going to court - I didn't have a screen or anything, I just made sure I didn't look at him. I wasn't offered any counselling by the police, that's something I'm trying to organise now, but waiting lists are pretty horrendous. I didn't think I wanted to talk to anyone about, I thought the court case would provide 'closure' but it hasn't.

I tried just ignoring it and carrying on with my life, and for a long time I was fine, or at least I thought I was. Now I feel like this huge shadow has been hanging over me, it's making me feel worse and worse, and I think maybe talking to someone about it properly will help me to really feel better, rather than just acting like I'm OK. PM me if you want to talk about it. It's not an easy decision to make.

[buttonspoon]

I'm so sorry this happened to you and you are so brave to have survived it and got on with your life. I completely understand how you feel about not wanting to relive this or go over it all again. It must have been a terrible shock that it has all resurfaced and that the police want to talk to you about it.

Is there a reason the police are bringing it up now? Did he also abuse someone else? Is there any chance he could do it again to someone else? I know these are hard questions, but it's something that many abuse survivors think about when deciding what to do. They can cope with what happened to them, but the idea it might happen to another child makes some people want to stop the person that abused them.

Have you thought about talking to someone independently who could help you talk it through? Talking really would help and they'd be able to tell you what is likely to happen with the police investigation. It might help you more than you think. This website might help you - National Association for people abused in childhood.

Good luck whatever you decide to do. You should be very proud of everything you have achieved and the person you have become.

[tryinghardtounderstand]

I agree with HerScaryness. Working through what happened to you as a child, with a professional, will be hard but it will mean that you can finally move on.

DH was abused by his father, and never dealt with it. He did his best to block it out of his mind and really believed I think that he was no longer affected by it. In his case some of the behaviours he learned to deal with the pain at the time became self-defeating behaviours as an adult, almost causing our marriage to end.

A phsycologist or a counsellor will help you work through what happened to you, and how this may continue to affect the choices you make today, allowing you to fully recover and stop your father continuing to have power over you

Good luck with everything

[Proudnscary]

Justwant2 - I have no pearls of wisdom to add - all I'd say is while I suspect everyone on here is absolutely right re getting closure, potentially protecting others and getting justice...you have to do what your gut tells you.
You've been through enough without feeling unnecessary pressure or guilt.
And I am so very sorry that this happened to you.

[LovingChristmas]

HI Just Want2

A few years ago now I made the decision to go to the police about what my uncle had done for years to me as a child, I was the same as you and "coped" with it, however after it was done (he got 18months and most importantly 10 years on sex offenders register) I went from coping, to it being closure.

I felt I could sleep easy knowing I had stopped someone else potentially going through some harrowing events that are there in your life forever and can be triggered by small insignificant things.

The police were absolutely amazing, and my DH had nothing to do with the police side of things at all (my request) I felt I could do it and relay everything to a stranger so long as no one close heard all the details, I asked for female officers and it's worth asking if the force have a SOLO (sex offencers Liaison officer) as she dealt with CID, courts and everything, any questions all came through her.
You can request a screen in court so you don't have to see him, and I had told everyone who supported me that I wanted no one in court to hear it, I could then section it off from my current life and just close an unpleasant chapter in my life forever (He pleaded guilty before I got to court so can't say what the experience was like) however I think in historical cases if CPS take it, it means they believe they have a good chance of winning it.

If you want to talk offline PM me, I know how alone this can feel in RL when people want to support you but don't know how.

[Tyr]

I don't think you can ever fully recover until you go through with it and face him, albeit with help and support which the police should help with.
If they are already building a case against him, are there others giving evidence against him?
It will be harrowing in the short term. This organisation might be of use and they keep a directory of other support services:

www.supportline.org.uk/problems/child_abuse_survivors.php

[garlicScaresVampires]

I agree. Now you are coping but, with one last push, you can get this thing resolved and tied up. It will be better to have done it properly.
Have you talked to the police yet? Have they offered you any support?

[HerScaryness]

Justwant2leave it. You say you have coped up to know.

COPED.

I know this will be painful, but in the short term, once you have said what you need to say, once you have allowed the little girl to tell what has been done to her, you will start to heal. This stuff is unresolved and hidden inside of you.

Deal with it once and for all, then you will be truly FREE of it. The support is there for you now, the police and the courts do have the resources and training to do this. What this man did to you must not go unpunished.

We are all with you love, whatever you need.

((Hugs))

[Xales]

should add even if you don't do this. Someone has been talking to the police and people will be looking at you and will think they know what happened to you.

Better to have your say so they know the truth and don't just look at you sideways.

[Xales]

It was my step-father not my father in my case. There was never any court case. He died years ago but there have been comments made over the years about him being the father of one of his nieces eldest child plus other sorts of things.

I do wonder now if this had been dealt with earlier if more young girls would have been protected from this monster and less lives damaged. I feel a little regret for never doing anything and I live with what happened to me too.

There is clearly more that he has done to others or else the police would not know and would not be asking you to give evidence now. Be strong and do this. You may save someone not as strong as yourself who can't just live with it.

I would say take full advantage of the system go through with it and also use the system to get support and help for yourself. You shouldn't have to live with this.

Good luck.

[tb]

The thing is, even if you decide not to talk to the police, being asked to has dragged it all up, anyway iyswim.

I went to the police 2 years ago about my own childhood abuse, and they were absolutely brilliant. Honestly, they couldn't have been kinder. Unfortunately, it was too late to do anything against 2 people, and the third was too old, so it didn't go to court.

Good luck with what you decide, but as others have said, it would give closure, and give you a 'voice' that you didn't have when younger.

[zippy539]

Justwant2 - sleep well. Hopefully NotanOtter and others will be able to give you some more hard-won experience and advice. You're not alone in this one.

[Justwant2leaveit]

Thanks steel, I have coped up til now, and just dont want this, It's not fair on me, my kids or dh