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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Tips for squirrelling money away?

48 replies

tallwivghoulies · 09/10/2011 11:59

There seems to be quite a few threads at the moment where women are trapped in horrendous marriages because they have no access to money.

A while back there was a thread, which turned out to be a troll-thread so was deleted, but it brought out every fabulously devious, sneaky, resourceful mnetter who put forward some great ideas for squirrelling.

I remember a poster asking at the time for it not to be deleted because it could prove useful to other financially abused women (these women are often told that of course they can go, just don't expect to take the children...)

Advice I remember - do the weekly shop by credit card and get bits of cash back...buy clothes from places like m&s and get a refund. I'm sure there are loads of others that wily mnetters can think of.

OP posts:

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bemybebe · 09/10/2011 21:13

ok, fair enough. i agree i do not have any experience of dv, so it may be a bit naive...
why was the other thread pulled btw?

bemybebe · 09/10/2011 21:17

i do not agree that "if it were that straightforward then that's what people would do", sometimes difficult issues have straightforward solutions.

incidentally, 30min free consult does exist and lawyers do give good advice knowing that they would not see the follow up business. my friend had a very good session with a lawyer who did give her very good leads. one just needs to come very well prepared and able to talk clearly and concisely.

so, i do not think that my tip to see a lawyer is that rubbish

bemybebe · 09/10/2011 21:20

btw, very good luck to everyone trying to escape horrendous relationships! have strength and hopefully you have some good advice here (and not something that gets you into trouble, i do mean it in the most positive way)

gapants · 09/10/2011 21:22

yes but if you are with an abusive and controlling partner you might be scared out of your wits to even cross the threshold of such a place bemybebe in case anyone saw you and told him.

It is the obvious choice, but if you are beaten and abused and degraded everyday you might not have the confidence or resources to approach a professional like that.

bemybebe · 09/10/2011 21:26

"but if you are with an abusive and controlling partner you might be scared out of your wits to..."
gapants if it is so dangerous, surely the only advice should be "LEAVE NOW!" these people should have paperwork and sentimental things (photos if anything) gathered asap and just get the hell out...

garlicScaresVampires · 09/10/2011 21:34

'Normal' divorce, even from a 'normally' abusive spouse:-
See lawyer, issue divorce petition, have a bunch of rows, thrash out terms, inform DC, spend 6-18 months living in separated hell, decree absolute, start new life.

Try the same with an extremely abusive spouse:-
A) Make appointment with lawyer, pretending you're going to dentist. Spouse checks teeth. Spouse punishes you, and now won't allow you out of the house alone.
B) Make appointment with lawyer, who is in the nearest town 80 miles away. You cannot get there.
C) Make appointment with lawyer, use a complicated web of deceit to get to the appointment safely, only to find this lawyer doesn't understand DV situations and expects you to "talk to your husband."
D) Successfully attend appointment with DV-aware lawyer, who says "You know he'll kick off when he finds out, don't you? Are you staying somewhere safe?" You are not, of course, you're living with your abuser because you've no other resources ...

I know you meant well enough, Bebe, but - since extreme abusers act illegally to keep their wife and children under their control, I think the abused spouse is well within her rights to bend a few rules in the breaking of his control.

garlicScaresVampires · 09/10/2011 21:37

surely the only advice should be "LEAVE NOW!" OMG, you are naive!

You've just said they shouldn't be squirrelling money away, as per OP. Are you suggesting it's a great idea for them to leg it out of the house, kids in tow, with nowhere to go, no car and no money??

smackapacca · 09/10/2011 21:42

Bemy - I shouldn't keep getting drawn into this, but I can't help myself. I agree that anyone in a dangerous situation should just be able to leave. They should be strong enough and self assured enough to know that their life will be better if they left.

Your advice is just too simplistic. It's like telling an alcoholic to just stop drinking or an obese person to just stop eating.

People who are in this situation have had their personality chipped away. They don't always know what to do for the best.

What if the abusive partner keeps all the paperwork? So DCs birth certificates, passports etc.

What if they leave and are found? What if they're actually threatened with violence against their children if they leave? How could they trust that any refuge they find wouldn't be discovered?

LtAllHallowsEve · 09/10/2011 21:45

I had a friend who gave up smoking but didn't tell anyone. He would send her to the Offy every night for fags, and she would keep the money for hers...she had the same half empty packet on the go for about 6 months.

Tesco and M&S used to be good for their no quibble returns, so easy to pay on card then return for cash (or return for credit note and sell note). I don't know if this is still the case now though.

bemybebe · 09/10/2011 21:46

I thought Womens'Aid have refuges around the country. I have one close by. Are women not able to come there with kids in tow and no money? Would they not get help?? I was under the impression that this is what they are set up for...
I actually think it is dangerous and unhelpful to advise people to "squirrel" a tenner here and there instead of advising them how to leave fast, what to take, and where to go for this very help.

bemybebe · 09/10/2011 21:48

Guys, I will not post any more. Good luck to everyone as I said and be strong...

GypsyMoth · 09/10/2011 21:53

If the refuges are full you are stuck!!

They do tend to ' fill up' around new year/big sporting events

smackapacca · 09/10/2011 21:55

Yes - when I worked at Social Services, DV was at it's worst around the world cup. Sad but true. I've always thought of those people suffering when the nation is going nuts for a game of footie

droves · 09/10/2011 22:02

What i did , when i was trying to get funds to leave ex-h was to buy things only in sale . Always use vouchers and discount codes and say you paid full price , but never pay by card !!! USE CASH .
BUY whatever is on offer and always change what you get so that he never gets an idea of what groceries "really" cost .

Or go with friend to supermarket and split the cost of 2 for 1 offers , then tell Ex-h it was full price ...remember to take sale tickets off stuff and lose receipts !!!!.I forgot to hide receipt once and it was hell...for months after he would only give me £40 to run house , pay bills and buy food ... but i still managed to get some cash away from his tight fists. :-)

Also try selling on old baby clothes ect , but do it through a friend , and tell him youve given away old unwanted stuff to friend
,as its junk and no one would buy it .

Things like jewellery and dvds are often lost or misplaced

And things like gift cards are good ...asda do a xmas gift card , get one and start putting £1 on every time your in... if he finds it , you are simply saving for a nice xmas dinner /some gifts to save the big expense. When you do leave that gift card might just tide you over and enable you to feed the kids until you get money/tax credits sorted.

Another thing is old metal...if there is a scrapyard near you , you might be able to sell them old metal scraps /car parts/old kids bikes ...if you have nice friends who would help you and give you stuff.

BertieBotts · 09/10/2011 22:04

You can go to refuges with no notice, kids in tow and no money. But often, as with the "advice to leave now" abused partners aren't in the right place mentally to consider this option. You can tell someone to leave and give them all the information and options you want, but if they aren't ready to take that step, they won't.

If they were up to squirrelling some money, which is a less scary step because a) the abuser is unlikely to find out about it, and b) there is no obligation to actually do anything with the money, by the time they do build up the courage to leave and go to a refuge or a friend or family's house they might have a little bit of money behind them which would mean that they could get up and sorted easier once they were safely away. It also gives you more confidence - just as a back up, just in case there's some disaster and you can't get hold of the phone line or all the refuges are full or you need to take a train or get the kids some food or new clothes or even stay in a b&b for the night or whatever. It's reassuring to have that tiny bit of independence and security.

I was incredibly lucky to be able to borrow money from family when I left XP. Another tip - if you are thinking of leaving and know that your family wouldn't say anything to your partner, ask them for help.

janetdowner · 09/10/2011 22:06

if he's a drunk, when he passes out, empty his wallet. he will be too proud to tell you that he either spent or lost all his money.

tallwivghoulies · 09/10/2011 22:07

bemybebe I get what you're saying. This threads been going on in tandem with
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1317276-Women-thinking-of-fleeing

-in a nutshell - 'don't think you'll necessarily find refuge if you (and your children) need to escape an abusive relationship'.

OP posts:

tallwivghoulies · 09/10/2011 22:11

I can feel a list coming on

OP posts:

gapants · 09/10/2011 22:29

bemy I am sorry that you feel like you have to leave the thread, you don't have to. I think you could acknowledge that the advice you have given was well intentioned, but not the best.

Why would hiding money be so dangerous? leaving fast just is not an option sometimes and could put a vulnerable women in an even more dangerous situation. Refuges fill up, kids get sick, partners follow.

A bit of cash in your pocket could make all the difference.

SingleMan25b · 09/10/2011 23:22

Might be of interest: www.musicmagpie.co.uk/

BertieBotts · 09/10/2011 23:24

Good idea SingleMan, also CEX have branches in most towns now for CDs, DVDs, and small electricals (phones, mp3 players etc) though the absence of these might be more noticeable.

tallwivghoulies · 09/10/2011 23:34

women's aid donate link

OP posts:

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SingleMan25b · 09/10/2011 23:34

Offering a skill or service on Elance - my old company used to employ UK based writers and researchers quite regularly - all the work was done via the web - payments are made to a nominated bank account.

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