Is sex really the solution to all relationship problems?

[sc13]

I'm in a dilemma. Married for 14 years (together for 20), a 5yo DS with autism, last month DH said he's been having an affair for a year and wants to start a new life with the OW. It's not an unusual story: after DS and especially after DS's diagnosis at age 3, I have focussed my energies mostly on DS, and not been very supportive of DH. We both have FT jobs. Sex has been pretty much non-existent for the last 2 years. DH has been feeling unhappy for a long time, he says, and now he's found someone who makes him happy. He has agreed to try relationship counselling.
Now, one of my best friends has been insisting that this is all about sex, and if only I picked myself up and seduced him, DH'd come back in a flash and we'd sort things out. DH in all this has not mentioned sex at all, although I guess talking about feeling neglected could be code for that.
Is my friend right? The truth is, at the moment the very thought of sex with DH makes me sick, but what if she is right? She says, just do it, it's not such a big deal, and it could solve a lot of problems - do you think she has a point?

[nikos]

Tell dh that your ds will spend one week with you and one week with dh and his new partner. Then see how much sex they are having with a child with autism in the mix. (have a child on the spectrum so hope you dont mind me being so blunt).
A child on the spectrum puts huge strain on a marriage/relationship. 80% of couples seperate. YOU have done nothing wrong, you are exhausted from the care that never ends. Rise above, you are the better person. Fight for your relationship if you think he's worth it. But above anything else, do not blme yourself.
Love and hugs and a huge glass of wine xxx

[madonnawhore]

Your friend is a bit dim.

Why the fuck should you start doing sexual somersaults for someone who cheated on you?

[meltedchocolate]

2 years is far too long for some people to go without sex. It is part of a relationship. I personally couldn't handle it.

HOWEVER this gave your H no right to have an affair. He should have talked to you about it. If this turned into nagging that you still ignored he could have made clear that if the relationship didn't change he would look elsewhere. He didn't do that, he just went ahead anyway FOR A YEAR. I'm sorry OP, you didnt deserve this and 'putting out' is not what will fix your marriage. Also agree with whoever said that if he wants her then he may just be going for councilling to say he had tried it all before he actually does leave.

[freybean]

good luck op

please don't put any of the blame onto yourself

your 'h' is the one who decided to shag another woman instead of talking to you

[Charbon]

Good luck OP and remember that you were both responsible for your marriage, but you were not responsible for a choice that was hidden from you.

[sc13]

Thanks to everybody for your messages! It is really helpful to have so many points of view.
I still don't know what I'm going to do tbh, and I am very confused about what I want in the long run, other than minimize any disruption for DS.
Thanks again - wish me luck!

[cecilyparsley]

I guess the thing about marriage is that is it a legal agreement.
But sure, as you say Purple it's sex that makes it a sexual/romantic relationship, and I guess that can add a dimension to a relationship that isnt there without the sex.

Thats not to say that relationships where there is no sex lack depth, cannot be fulfilling in other ways.

I agree with Hellto marriages comprise many many different types of relationship

[PurplePossum]

Helltotheno, I was speaking from a definition point of view and from the point of view of marriage vows which do speak of that as being a unique feature. I am perfectly aware that there are many happy relationships where sex doesn't feature and that relationships can work in all sorts of ways - that was kind of the point I was making, that people should accept that what works in their relationship isn't what always works for others. I'm very happy for anyone in a happy relationship and don't care at all about the details of how they achieve that. And no-one is suggesting that anyone should be a slave to anyone's need for sex.

[PurplePossum]

cecilyparsley, you're right it is also those things, but those things could also be had with a very close friend or even with siblings. As soon as you add sex to those things (err, perhaps not with the siblings), it becomes a romantic relationship.

[Helltotheno]

What sets a marriage apart from a close friendship is the sex

No PurplePossom, what sets YOUR marriage apart from a close friendship is the sex. Unfortunately you don't get to speak for anyone else, cos in fact there are many, many different relationship types out there and I can assure you there many more happy ones than you think where sex barely features.

I agree with Greenmonkies, sex is a WANT not a need. Anyone who goes round saying they 'need' sex four times a week, well they should realise that 'need' is purely in their own head, in fact they can survive quite well without sex 4 times a week but have convinced themselves they can't. I don't see why some other human being should be a slave to that person's perceived need for sex 4 times a week, what rubbish.

Anyway back on topic, OP your friend is talking rubbish. Having sex with your dh won't help matters, especially when the thoughts of it make you gag.
Really the whole thing is not about sex. You child took up all your time, you and your dh gradually grew apart, it was never discussed/dealt with by either of you and your dh had an affair. They're the facts of what happened. Now you need to work out what you want. Are you happy to keep on raising your child alone (which sounds like what you were doing anyway), except without your dh in the house?

[PurplePossum]

Greenmonkies, yes I agree. OP's husband has behaved appallingly by seeking it elsewhere rather than dealing with the existing relationship. I wasn't trying to excuse that at all or even refer to that. And yes, in phases is one thing and a normal part of a long relationship. For me, years is too far, but think that also depends on age and other circumstances.

[cecilyparsley]

purplepossum I dont think that sex is the only thing that separates marriage from a close friendship.
A married couple are life partners, they are in an economic as well as emotional partnership.
I do agree that sex tends to act like a form of glue, and it's very difficult to resolve a situation where one partner needs sex and the other doesnt.

Even compromising isnt a good option, it's horrible to have sex if you dont want to, and equally horrible to deny yourself sexual expression.

I suspect it could all be easier if we had a culture which accepted that sexual relationships didnt have to be exclusive, but that seem's a bit of a utopian hope when viewed from the present day!

[GreenMonkies]

I'm not talking about permanent celibacy, I'm talking about having a partnership where lack of sex, in phases, is accepted as part of life. SOmetimes those phases are a few weeks, sometimes months or years, depending on the cause.

But men like the OP's husband often seem to feel that if they aren't getting it regularly enough then they can seek it elsewhere. Perhaps, instead of looking for a new relationship they should ask themselves what is going on in the one they currently have, and how they can improve on it. What's lacking here is empathy, commitment and understanding, not sex.

[cecilyparsley]

donttell I agree with you on this 'If you no longer want to shag your husband, you don't have to. However, if he expects that from his relationship ,you have to accept that you are withdrawing from the original deal.'

but, I'm not sure that it's reasonable or possible for the terms of the deal to remain the same over the course of a long relationship.
People change and I guess things have to be constantly re evaluated and re negotiated.

[PurplePossum]

The comment above was in response to Greenmonkies - sorry if not clear :)

[PurplePossum]

No, actually, there are no 'ishoos' with people who don't wish to be asexual and it's a pretty offensive statement. Are you really suggesting that if people can't tolerate living an asexual life there's something wrong with them? There is nothing abnormal about a woman in her 30's not wanting to accept celibacy for the rest of their life. I'm not talking about a few months here and there in a long term relationship. Of course, stress and other demands mean it'll happen less and there should be give and take on both sides. I'm talking about sexless for years and years and I'm sorry you don't need to have issues to consider it a problem. I'm thrilled for people who say it's not a big deal for them, but I expect them to have the imagination and intelligence to accept that for others, asexuality isn't an option.

I disagree with your statement that you're not sure that the deal is that solid if sex is required. What sets a marriage apart from a close friendship is the sex. It's the glue that reinforces that unique type of relationship. That has always been known which is why vows of marriage include, not just the bit about being faithfully, promising to be joined in sexual union and to give one another your body. Without many people do drift apart to close friendship.

[sunshineandbooks]

I think the role of sex in a relationship is a red herring in this particular relationship. The OP hasn't says she wants a sexless marriage, merely that she doesn't currently feel like having sex with her H. Given that he's dumping responsibility for their autistic child on her shoulders and shagging around while she's knackered from dealing with it all, it's hardly surprising that she doesn't want sex. I'd be more worried about her self respect if she did!

[GreenMonkies]

Being nagged for, or expected to perform sexual services is not sexy. Also, being left to do all the work leaves you with no time or energy to be anything other than a mum.

[WibblyBibble]

TBH I'm not sure why your friend is trying to encourage you to keep a man who's the kind of amoral bastard who would abandon his wife with an autistic child because she wasn't paying him enough attention. He needs to grow up an awful lot before he's fit to be in any kind of relationship, and learn to put his child's needs before his own wants.

[GreenMonkies]

I think if sex is utterly vital for your existence then there may be some ishoos that need addressing.....

Sex is a biological urge, designed to make sure we procreate and the species continues. I like sex, I really do, but when I'm tired, stressed and juggling a millions domestic balls in the air, the last thing I want to do is empty his for a quiet life.

A partnership is just that. Two people, together, creating and maintaining their family. If the family has especially high needs, then both parents are responsible for making sure they are met, and sex is not a need. Contrary to what many men will tell you. It may be that too many men measure how much you love them by how often you put out, but this is a pretty piss-poor and shallow way to assess how much someone loves you.

A relationship (marriage/whatever) is based on way more than sex, it's about mutual support and caring, if you're having sex too, that's lovely, as long as both of you want it. But if it's a deal breaker, then I'm not sure the deal is that solid.

[DontTellAnyonebut]

To me, sex is part of a relationship, maybe to others it isn't. If you're both happy then 'no worries' but why should someone's lack of interest be accepted but the other. If you no longer want to shag your husband, you don't have to. However, if he expects that from his relationship ,you have to accept that you are withdrawing from the original deal.

[PurplePossum]

It's nice if you both still want to do it, but not a deal breaker if it's not happening.
Greenmonkies, speak for yourself. For many people it actually is a deal breaker and their feelings on the subject are equally as valid as those belonging to people for whom it isn't. When someone says "Oh you don't need sex in a marriage", I am quite happy to accept that that is true for them and expect them to understand that for some people it is absolutely vital to their existence. OP, not directed at you but it really rankles me when I see this stated as a universal truth because it's not.

[rshipstuff]

If the husband wants to throw away 20 years and his own flesh and blood then that's HIS problem.

Yes men do get pretty chilled out if they are getting sex from their wives every night, BUT what about the women who are not so mechanical about things and are genuinely not wanting? Why should she 'put out'? I don't see that his desire for sex trumps her lack of interest in it.

[buzzskillington]

It's not her that threw it away for a cheap shag.

[DontTellAnyonebut]

If OP doesn't think the relationship is one she wants then she shouldn't do it but 20 years is a long time to throw away.