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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

In love with someone else - help!

35 replies

ohgawdwhathaveidone · 20/09/2011 11:23

I am engaged to be married to my long term boyfriend. We are not actively trying for a baby but not using protection either and have discussed having a baby next year. I thought I was happy with him and I was looking forward to the future but I have recently met someone else and I don?t know what to do.

Here is where it gets complicated because he is also engaged to be married to someone else. However, his culture is different to mine - which is not an issue in itself because my bf is from a different culture too - but this is an arranged marriage rather than a marriage to someone he is already in love with. Although his brother is married to a Scottish woman and they have a young baby together so why he is allowing the arranged marriage I don?t know. It?s not something I have discussed with him or want to discuss because it hurts to even think about it.

We see each other whenever we can which can be a bit tricky but when we are apart I can?t eat, can?t sleep , I?m restless and think of him literally every second of every day until I see him again. A few days ago we had sex for the first time and he used a condom but he told me afterwards that he didn?t think it worked. Stupidly I have done nothing about this.

I am crazy about him and I?m torn between telling him how strongly I feel and seeing what happens or breaking it off and being happy with what I have. I feel guilty for what I?m doing but at the same time I don?t want it to end.

Please help me make sense of all this!

OP posts:

Report

DontTellAnyonebut · 25/09/2011 18:20

should NOT have.

DontTellAnyonebut · 25/09/2011 18:19

as someone who married someone i should have, DO NOT DO IT. Having children makes it worse and you become full of self hatred.

ohgawdwhathaveidone · 25/09/2011 00:09

Well I'm not pregnant so very relieved.

DP keeps asking if I still love him which is very odd for him. I think he is either having doubts or he knows that I am. He is a good man and would do anything for me but our relationship hasn't been without its problems.

He had an emotional affair with someone a few years ago and while he has changed a lot and tried to make amends I have never quite been able to move past it. And now I have done exactly the same to him. But I don't feel good about it, i feel like crap

OP posts:

Dozer · 21/09/2011 12:05

Grow up for god's sake. End it with both of them. The lover sounds like he's no good, and the fiance deserves someone who wants him.

Nefret · 21/09/2011 12:00

pink4ever how judgementtal you are! Just because you have seen something on tv doesn't mean everyone is the same!

FabbyChic · 20/09/2011 22:11

We always want more what we in reality cannot have.

This man is unattainable, yet you lap up every crumb.

If he was available you probably wouldn't feel so much.

YOu shouldn't be getting married though, you clearly are not in love with your partner.

bridgingtheabyss · 20/09/2011 21:47

You should end it with your lover now. It can never go anywhere. You know this in your heart otherwise you wouldn't have described him as a player - you know ultimately he's no good for you. You may find the Ending Affair Support message boards on ivillage useful - people are kinder than they are on here coz they've been through it.

As for your relationship with your fiance have a long hard think about it. From the limited amount you've said about him he sounds pretty good for you so maybe you can be happy with him again. What about relationship counselling?

Good luck.

barkwithnobite · 20/09/2011 21:36

Hope he's not got an STD if he's a player using 'non working' condoms

buzzskillington · 20/09/2011 21:29

Maybe he's the sort of guy that takes it off during sex, then tells her 'it might not have worked'.

barkwithnobite · 20/09/2011 21:27

Now this is funny....how can he not thing 'the condom worked'?.....bizarre

Do you think your fiancee deserved your infidelity?

cheesesarnie · 20/09/2011 21:03

pink4ever you cant judge every turkish man by the ones you see occassionaly on tv!

cheesesarnie · 20/09/2011 21:02

hes a player,your a player.
did you expect us all to say bless your little cotton socks?
my advice would be to set your fiance free and stay out of someone elses relationship.

confidence · 20/09/2011 20:51

He used a condom but he didn't think that it worked?

A condom either breaks or it doesn't. If it broke, you would both know about it. Doesn't sound like he knows too much for such a "player".

pink4ever · 20/09/2011 19:26

He is from Turkey! do you not watch tv or read the news? I have visited turkey and the amount of men who hit on young women when they already have wives tucked away in villages is unbelievable!.
Grow up-you dont love him,your just a fuck. Mind you dont pass anything nasty on to your fiance or he might start asking questions

Proudnscary · 20/09/2011 14:44

For god's sake - of course you can't marry this guy and fuck this other man.

TLD2 · 20/09/2011 14:38

You've sacrificed so much? So is that your justification for cheating on him, rather than leaving him? I'm sure he'll understand.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/09/2011 13:50

HI ohgawd,

re your comment:-
"I know he's no good for me but I can't stop thinking about him".

Oh please, I feel like playing you a very small violin. You still have self control here. Use it!. Start using protection as well; its totally and utterly unfair not least of all irresponsible on your part to potentially bring a child into all this.

Bad boys are just that - bad. Why are you so intent on hitting that self destruct button?. Why is your self esteem and worth so low?. You need to examine all this preferably through counselling for your own self.

You say you have been with your fiance for 8 years; how old were you when you met?. You still seem very young. The other guy is just intent on using you (he probably has a few other girls on the go as well and uses them to gain both their trust and cash) and you're allowing him to do so.

You need to walk away from both these men now for your own sake before you really do ruin your life?. Some time on your own to find out what you really want from life would be good.

Would also suggest you read "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood.

TheOriginalFAB · 20/09/2011 13:49

You can't marry someone you are not 100% in love with. It just isn't fair.

buzzskillington · 20/09/2011 13:43

Tell him you've been fucking someone else, that should do it.

ohgawdwhathaveidone · 20/09/2011 13:31

why is he a player and im not? because he flirts with girls all the time and probably more. I have been faithful to my fiance for 8 years until now. I know he's no good for me but I can't stop thinking about him.

No he's not Indian, he's from Eastern Turkey.

I think I need to find a way to finish with my fiance but I have sacrificed so much to be with him and he will be devastated. I don't know how to do it.

OP posts:

buzzskillington · 20/09/2011 12:51

If he's going into an arranged marriage to please his family, it's pretty likely he'll go through with it. Which leaves you as an OW if you continue seeing him, and that's not so much fun down the line.

As for your fiance, you need to break it off, you're being hugely unfair.

mamalovebird · 20/09/2011 12:24

Sounds to me you're in 'lust' with this om, not in love. You're not in love with your DP either. You need to end it with both of them

I have been in exactly your postion and take it from me, it's not pretty.
I left my fiance with 3 months before our wedding for a man who I thought I had this deep powerful connection with, only for it to turn out that he ws a player of the highest order and had a few women on the go at the same time. I fell for it all because I was unhappy and sub-conciously looking for a way out of my engagement. I took the cowards option.

My 'relationship' with the OM lasted barely a month and I hurt a lot of people in the process.

Like teebee says, don't marry your DP if you're not sure, just respect him and respect the memory of your time together by not trashing it with a shitty exit, when he's done nothing wrong.

It will work out though. I met my DH five months later and was pregnant a further 5 months later (DS is now 20 months). We married in June and I didn't think twice about whether it was the right thing to do or not.

Good luck :)

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Landedgentry · 20/09/2011 12:12

Why is this man a player and you're not?

What you've written about him applies equally to you, doesn't it?

loopylou6 · 20/09/2011 12:09

Sounds as if your heart is with the om. is he of Indian heritage? if so he will go ahead with his marriage or he will be seen to of brought shame on his family. I know its tough but please don't go ahead with this marriage because your heart obviously isn't in it.

SoupDragon · 20/09/2011 12:02

So, he is a player and you know he won't be faithful to his fiancée... Why do you think he would be faithful to you?

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