Would it be wrong to tell he to stick her wedding invite up her arse?

[WeDONTneedanotherhero]

I have lost all perspective when it comes to my family. They behave in classic toxic ways, I have posted about them lots on here under a previous name. I have stupidly been trying to build bridges with them for the last few months

My Sis is getting married in 11 weeks, DH, DC and I have been invited to attend, which we are going to. However this weekend was my sister hen do and she went out for a meal with my family and a few of her friends, I was not invited and the reason behind my not knowing about it was that my aunt and nan were invited. For the last two years I have recieved abusive messages from my aunt and nan saying I'm a bad mum, I harm my children, I'm manipulative, evil, sly, a nasty piece of work ect etc. My whole family know about these messages and my sis has seen them but the have sided with my nan and aunt . It is not the first time that they are invited over me to a "family" event.

I am hurt and upset by it, yes I know I should have learnt by now and it should no longer suprise me. My overwhelming reaction is to tell her to shove her wedding invite but I have no idea if I am over reacting as as I said earlier I have lost all perspective.

I hope this makes sense.

[WeDONTneedanotherhero]

FAB, you are right, I choose my reaction to their behaviour. I am slowly getting better at not getting upset but it's taken a lot of time and masses of support from DH.

Bloody hell Fuzzy that's awful, I hope you are better now.

Thank you everyone, you make me feel like I'm not insane.

[bintofbohemia]

Oh god, I feel for you, am in a very similar situation. I've tried for years to build bridges with my family and it takes a long time to get your head around the fact that there's no bloody point. Get far, far away for the good of yourself and your own family.

[Fuzzywuzzywozabear]

I tried to build bridges with them because a small part of me hoped things could change

yes, I used to think that too - I always thought that if something "big" happened that my parents would finally be there for me and step up to the plate

well the "big thing" did happen, I got cancer. They didn't step up to the plate in fact they made life harder for me

My last bit of hope was killed off, my eyes were opened to their toxicity and I am on limited contact (I'd love to go no contact but it would life more difficult for other people who don't deserve the aggravation)

sorry about your family

[TheOriginalFAB]

You would not be wrong but people can only reduce you to tears if you let them get to you. You let them because you are a caring person. Just because you share genes doesn't mean you have to get on. If these people add nothing to your life don't let them be in it.

And if they start with any emotional blackmail ignore. My mother told me she would kill herself if I didn't invite her to my wedding. Unforunately I didn't and she didn't either.

[roses2]

The best way to handle this is to go, enjoy the free food and drink, let your kids run around screaming and dont buy a gift or give a card

[DamselInDisarray]

Alas, your hopes may have been misplaced.

It's probably best to listen to your DH and ignore the lot of them. It absolutely is their loss. You have plenty of good things in your life to be concentrating on.

If you feel the need to be polite, then maybe go along to the wedding, smile politely, leave reasonably early and then quietly drop all contact with anyone who upsets you. However, you need to be completely aware that doing so will not necessarily prevent you being painted as the villain who 'ruined' her sister's wedding or what other nasty story certain family members are intent to derive from the event. You'll need to judge whether or not there is anything at all to be gained from attending and whether you feel up to it. You are in no way obliged to attend just because it's someone who shares biological parents with you who is getting married.

If not, send a polite note expressing your regrets that you (and the family) will not be able to make it to the wedding after all and wishing your sister and her fiancé a wonderful day. Don't give any reasons or go into it further. The wedding is in 11 weeks, so you'll be giving plenty of notice so they can update their numbers or invite someone else if they prefer. Then organise to do something much more enjoyable as a family on the day instead (you can use some of the money you will certainly save by not attending the wedding). Once you've sent your regrets, you can go on with your own life and concentrate on filling it with people who help you and bring you joy.

[WeDONTneedanotherhero]

I tried to build bridges with them because a small part of me hoped things could change

[DamselInDisarray]

Why have you been trying to build bridges with your family at all? You don't need any of this crap and you certainly don't have to put up with it.

You have a family of your own and an exciting future ahead of you (beginning with university). Concentrate on that and cut out anyone who's trying to drag you down / make you miserable. It's their loss, not yours.

I have a toxic family too. I haven't seen my dad in a decade and that has meant losing contact with anyone on his side of the family. I still see my mum but it's difficult and not great. Luckily we live 2.5 hours away so contact is minimal. My stepdad is about to retire and they're planning on moving abroad, so it'll be even less frequent in future.

Like yours, my DH is absolutely on my side and is completely unwilling to take any shit from my mum. If I doubt my own judgement on the situation (and, let's face it, it's almost impossible to gauge any of it as I grew up with all manner of toxic crap), then I can rely on his. If your DH is telling you to cut them all out of your life for good, there is a very good possibility that he's right.

[Bartimaeus]

I agree with ItsMe.

You can do no right. If you go, they will be mean/hassle you/bitch about you. If you don't they will be mean and bitch about you. But the difference is you don't have to pretend to be deaf or rise above it.

Either don't go, but send a lovely card and present to your sister (if she's worth it) or just go to the ceremony so you can see her vows and then leave.

Why would you want to spend a evening with people who are horrible to you? Just because you share some DNA is not a reason that you have to see them. If friends treated you like this you'd drop them quickly. Why is family any different? You don't owe them anything.

Good luck

PS your DH sounds lovely. I'm very glad you have him

[lolaflores]

when people keep moving the goalposts...time to leave the pitch, with your marbles still intact.

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

You're welcome!

It was a lightbulb moment I recently had myself.
...and with toxic families, a spot of light blubbing from time to time is also the norm

[NeverKnowinglyUnderDoug]

You're right that its their problem and not yours to solve.

I would go to the wedding as I suspect that regardless of the rest of them you'd like a decent relationship with your sister. You don't have to stay for all of the evening do and you can go with your head held high.

Then, hopefully, you won't have to see them again.

[WeDONTneedanotherhero]

bulb

[WeDONTneedanotherhero]

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow thank you, you have just given me my light blub moment; no matter what I do, whether I turn up, not turn up or any other variation, they will find a fault in what I've done and that actually isn't my problem to solve.

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

I have know idea. The only reason I'd go is to put on a front and pretend that they don't upset me and can't bully

Why does their opinion matter?

Whether you go or not, their opinion of you is unlikely to change. Why put yourself through something you don't want to do, on the off-chance that it might placate them (but really won't)?

[TwoIfBySea]

Hero I can only advise from someone who has a toxic family.

I'm an only child with lots of cousins on my mother's side and father's side. Dad's side are considerably older but are fine. Mother's side are toxic, always playing mind games, making sure that not only was I to be left out constantly and not be the favourite but that I should know this at every opportunity so they could gleefully enjoy my hurt.

So, I quit them. They made a nasty accusation about my mother and that was enough for me to be able to walk away. Can I tell you what a relief it was. As I was never part of their inner circle I missed nothing.

A couple of years ago I met some of them again when they turned up at my dad's funeral. The look on their faces as the sat at the wake on one little table while my dad's family hustled and bustled and joked around them. Out came the photos and anecdotes. Although it was my dad's funeral it was more a celebration and they realised at that point they couldn't do anything to me anymore.

I wouldn't go. I would tell your sister that her special day doesn't need for them to cause an issue and you want to be happy and not upset. Put the guilt firmly at their door where it belongs. Have nothing more to do with them, cut them completely out of your life if you can and live your life with enjoyment. Believe me without that negativity you will have a lot more peace and happiness!

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

Can I suggest that you go to the wedding ceremony but not to the reception. That way you have been to the central part of the day, and wished your sister well, but will avoid the part of the day where there will be the most conversation and opportunities for other people to have a go at you or make snide/nasty remarks (especially if you turn up just before the ceremony starts).

This way you have wished your sister well, not avoided the whole thing (and maybe thus avoided giving them another stick to beat you with, as other posters have said) but have kept the opportunity for nastiness to a minimum.

Then focus on your lovely family and gradually scale back on contact with the toxic members of your family, as has been suggested here.

[tooshorttonotice]

Don't go!! Tell your sis that you not going and why. Yeah, sure they will talk at the wedding and say things like "typical". On the day go out with DH and DC on a family day out and actually enjoy yourself,

[scaevola]

"the best revenge is a happy life" - absolutely!

Unless you are ready to make the decision to estrange your family totally, then I'd go to the wedding - and any other big "set piece" occasions (but nothing else). The formality and procedure will give structure to the day, and hopefully provide enough other people to minimise the direct contact between you and the ones you find so toxic. Minimal contact of this sort gives you just enough opportunity to see periodically if anyone has changed, whilst providing useful insulation for when they have not.

On the other hand, you might know that you are ready for the estrangement. I would say this is better done at a time when you are feeling calm and strong, and when major family dos are not in the offing (as events round such dos tend to resonate rather more). I hope the views in this thread are helping you to weigh both whether and when.

[marge2]

I agree with Hotburrito1.

Rise above it and be the bigger person. It might be fine, but if it starts to kick off you can always make excuses and leave early.

Don't let any of the whole situation be your 'fault'. If you decide not to go they will say you are at fault.

[akaemmafrost]

This is how I judge these kind of situations. There is a supplement in The Guardian every Saturday just called "Work" and there is a bloke in there who give advice on work place dilemmas. An "expert" if you like, he gives great advice and even though I am not working out of the home atm I always read his column. His take on being bullied in the work place is to get out of it. Once it has reached a certain point he says there is no point in sticking around trying to sort it out, life is too short to be miserable at work and the outcomes of remaining in those kinds of stressful environments for prolonged periods are very unhealthy. I very much apply this to Families as well.

Why the fark would you want to put yourself in that situation? You KNOW how it is going to go, you wont enjoy yourself either in the lead up or during the wedding and are probably opening yourself up to a LOAD of abuse from drunk relatives who have made you into the Family Scapegoat. You couldn't PAY me to attend this event if I were you.

[WeDONTneedanotherhero]

I think that's good advice nailak to send a present and card but not to go.

It will probably sound stupid but I still worry I'm over-reacting and being stupid and that I should just give in, I hasten to add I wouldn't. I just feel exhausted by it all.

"the best revenge is a happy life" that's what I keep telling myself.

[Curiousmama]

Agree with BellaneyMimphus

[BellaneyMimphus]

A snob because you're going to university? I can't bear people who think like that. Good on you, enjoy your studies, and remember the best revenge is a happy life.

[bibbitybobbityhat]

God, this all sounds absolutely awful. You are being bullied by members of your own family and friends of your parents and yet your sister thinks you should go to her wedding for appearances sake? I would not go and I would write to them all, addressing all their issues, explaining your pov and asking them not to contact you again unless it is to start afresh.