Sister having abortion next week- not sure how best to support her

[cheekymonk]

Evening all! Well the title says it all. She is (she is 29 btw) in the middle of very messy break up with long term boyfriend (7 years) and they are battling over house (have mortgage), dogs etc and she found out last week she was 8 weeks pregnant. Poor girl had no idea when she last had sex or last had a period and was in utter disbelief that she could be pregnant. He has emotionally abused her for years and been so cruel so there is no hope of a reconciliation.
She has an abortion planned next Monday. I am just struggling to hide my feelings about it all, what with having 2 dc, one only 6 months. I went with her to all the appointments and also to dating scan
I can see that she needs to get her own life back on track before bringing another into the world but her occasional coldness really upsets me. She is taking sleeping tablets and when I suggested they might harm baby she said well it doesn't matter if I am not keeping it.
She is in bits over it all and I am trying to just be there for her. I have always thought I was ok with abortion until now. I just can't help but think about this doomed little life. I know this is totally unhelpful and of course haven't voiced it. She must be going through hell but it is so hard to be objective.
Going to the appointment and listing to the consent being read out was horrific, something I wouldn't wish on anyone. My Sister just seems like a child herself (she is, I am not being nasty here- she can barely cope with life) I can certainly see that it isn't a decision that anyone can make lightly. I am going with her next week I think unless my Mum can summon the strength so I need to get my feelings in check so I am a proper support to her
How?

[CRIKRI]

Perhaps from another angle - it may be that being there to support her will be too difficult and too painful for you, so it might be best to see if someone else can do that - someone perhaps a bit more detached from the situation.

[FabbyChic]

When you are having an abortion it has to be cold and without feeling, you cannot consider the life of the feotus, you cant to do so would cause psychological implications.

You have to think of it as nothing more than a medical procedure.

Your sister is right to do that.

[hellymelly]

I understand how you feel.You sound very kind and you are clearly trying to be there for your sister.I personally would dread having to support someone through an abortion,I would find it very very difficult. I can see your sister's circumstances are terrible in terms of her having a baby now,but in your place I would also feel very torn. You are doing your best and it is not unreasonable that you also have your own feelings about this.

[cheekymonk]

FARGATE- WELL AS I SAY, I AM TRYING TO BE THERE FOR HER. i KNEW IT WAS FAR FROM IDEAL TO TAKE A BABY INTO THE CLINIC WITH HER. iT WAS THAT OR HER BE ON HER OWN WHICH SHE REALLY DIDN'T WANT. Whoops only just spotted caps, not meaning to shout. Do you have a sister Fargate? It isn't always an easy straightforward relationship as family relationships rarely are. Crikri- I guess I am trying to detach myself but with family and with the circumstances, its hard to do. My reasoning is that even I am better than nobody being with her but yes I am not ideal.
Thanks hellymelly.

[EttiKetti]

I had to support a very close family member through a termination about 18months ago, it was extremely difficult, I've had 6+ mc and I knew it would be hard to be there from the initial scan to the actual end. But I was literally the only person to be in a position to do this, so once I was 100% sure the person was sure about her decision, I made a concerted effort to be unconditionally supportive. I know I was and although during the last 18 months its caused a lot of tension between us and problems for this person, she is still totally grateful I was able to support her through this horrendous experience.

If you really aren't sure you can support her then it really needs to be someone else.

[cheekymonk]

I haven't said I can't support her or really been questioning my suitability. My original question was how to. I have been told I need to accept her way of dealing with it and get on with it which is what I will try and do.

[cheekymonk]

I am sorry for your loss btw Ettiketti. That must be truly devasting.

[cheekymonk]

devastating.

[fargate]

My last post crossed with your 22.06 message about taking your DD to appointments .

FWIW I think the expression 'being there' is often used without proper consideration of what it actually means to selflessly and unquestioning give of oneself, time and emotions.

All the intense, careful listening, at any time of the day or night, not advising, not giving unsought opinions, propping up ways coping rather than challenging them, suspending objective, critical judgement, providing boundless warmth, and nurturing.

It's immensely demanding & draining and not at all compatible with active detachment and withdrawal.

I do have sisters and my ''family relationships'' are often difficult too, so I avoid being over-involved in their lives or vice versa. If they come to me in a crisis, I will listen sympathetically, help out if I can and want to, out of duty and common humanity. But thats all.

[EttiKetti]

Ah I thought you were questioning your ability later on in the thread, as long as you make sure you don't pile any emotions from yourself onto her, be there for her to pour anything out she needs to (I would say contactable 24/7 for a while as it was what was needed in our situation) and keep your own feelings to let out to your mum or DH or whatever, then you will be fine. she is lucky to have someone so close to help her through it as in the experiences I had (the one I mention above and also my SIL more recently), the emotions afterwards were much worse for the person having the termination than they were whilst making the decision to go through with it.

Thanks for comments re my losses. I have 3 beautiful children now, so a happy ending, just very battle scarred along the way :)

[maristella]

Your sister will need to be taken to and from the clinic; she will not be able to drive herself after the surgical procedure, which she will be having from 9 weeks pregnancy onwards. Afterwards she will need painkillers, pads and loose comfortable clothing as she may swell.

Emotionally she will need to be factual about it, and may seem cold, but as Fabby said this is the only way she can do this. And she may not actually be able to contemplate bringing a child into a frightening situation. Sometimes women terminate their pregnancies to save themselves, that's what I did. She will also need to distract herself. I too went shopping after my appointment at the clinic. I spent my rent money I needed to be busy, and could not face the conversation my friend would have had if we had not been in the shops.

She may also grieve, for some women it is part of the process. I have grieved and grieved, some may not think I have the right to do so, and I stand by the decision I made in the most awful few weeks in my life as I was not in a position to bring a child into the situation I was in. But if I could have had the strength I have now, we would have been absolutely fine, and my baby would have been celebrated not terminated.

If you have to draw comparisons between her situation and yours with your DD, just please be grateful that your DD was not born into chaos, and that you were not in your sister's shoes. I say that with kindness

[pickgo]

To help support her - do not give advice just listen and sympathise, draw her out by mirroring/asking open questions, validate her feelings, and be ready to rehearse all the reasons that have led her to decide to terminate (which sound extremely valid to me) when she has doubts/afterwards.
Be ready that she might not feel up to shopping afterwards in reality and may also just want to weep as the hormone changes kick in. Your poor sis what an awful time she's going thro.

[cheekymonk]

Thank you for the those last posts. Maristella, your post is really heartfelt and I have found it helpful. Thank you for being so candid.
My Sis is obviously struggling at the moment. She bought a baby dress about a year ago when her and ex were trying. She recently got it back out, which tells me so much.
Thanks also pickgo.