Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Unflip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Unflip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

1 2

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

DP's drinking getting too much

32 replies

thiscantbeit · 21/08/2011 22:34

Namechanged here.

I've just had a really traumatic couple of hours with my partner. Without wishing to go into too much detail, he drinks quite heavily. This has never caused him major problems, i.e. he's never lost a job or relationship over it.

Usually drink just makes him a slightly exaggerated version of himself, slightly louder, slightly funnier etc etc.

Occasionally though, it makes him very angry. He's never laid a finger on me, or, to my knowledge, on anyone else, but he occasionally gets very, very loud in his shouting and slamming things around.

Tonight it all got a bit out of hand and involved the neighbours. My kitchen is covered in broken glass and I can't stop crying. DP is now, thankfully, fast asleep in bed.

The neighbours threatened to phone the police. I'm really worried this will (has?) get totally out of hand and turn into a full blown feud with the neighbours. DP's (drunk) view is that he can do what he likes in his own house and that I should 'back him up' and not 'kowtow' to the neighbours.

I'm just exhausted by it all, tired of being on edge when he drinks, tired of arguing, tired of hangovers.

Don't know what else to say, really. Sounds trite, but everything else about him is really excellent and I don't want to believe something like this will break us up. If anyone has any advice that would be really helpful.

OP posts:

Report

AnyFucker · 22/08/2011 09:39

ok

so he "will give up drinking in the New Year" ? Which year is that then ?

and you will "try to remember" to come back here tomorrow...

okey-dokey

< hopes to be proved wrong >

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/08/2011 08:33

He must have shoved that chair on wheels quite hard if there was glass all over the floor.

I realise you have invested heavily emotionally into him but is he really worth all this?. Love should not be such hard work honestly. You ended up crying in the kitchen and your man was fast asleep afterwards. Who has cleared up the mess, you I suppose.

His violent and aggressive behaviour borne out of drinking too much is impacting on other people as well.

Do you honestly think he will give up drinking in January; how many times has he uttered similar before?. What's wrong with giving up drinking (or smoking in your case) NOW?.

Alcohol too is a cruel mistress and it has already come between you.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 22/08/2011 08:12

There are lots of ways to be a bad neighbour, and one of the worst is to be the kind of neighbour who harasses people who live near you by constant complaints about everything.

These people have form for this, so the fact of their complaint is far from proof that there was any kind of problem.

Your DP sounds like he could do with cutting down on drink, but having a row with persistently unreasonable neighbours doesn't make him a bad person.

thiscantbeit · 21/08/2011 23:33

in? on.

OP posts:

thiscantbeit · 21/08/2011 23:32

Puffin, you're right of course.

I know that whatever they said there's no excuse for his behaviour.

Thanks ladies. Need to sleep now but will try and remember to come back in tomorrow.

OP posts:

ThatVikRinA22 · 21/08/2011 23:29

i would be very pissed off if my neighbours were playing loud music at 9.30 pm - how totally inconsiderate your partner is.

he has a problem if he cannot control his drinking, or his aggression, yes. will he see it?
he sounds as though he should be ashamed of his behaviour tbh and your neighbours have a point.

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 21/08/2011 23:26

It doesn't really matter if they knocked on the door to say that your wallpaper was too loud, the fact that your DP 'became very aggressive towards them. Threatened them etc.' and that there's glass all over your kitchen floor is the problem.

ImperialBlether · 21/08/2011 23:25

Can I assume you want to have children? If so, I'd be looking for someone totally different to have them with.

He's got a big problem with drinking and with anger. Can you see what your future would be like with him?

Nobody should ever drink and get angry to the extent that their neighbours are complaining about them. And he's gone to sleep, ffs!

Think about it. Think about the kind of home you want your children to live in.

thiscantbeit · 21/08/2011 23:24

This is a cliche, Imperial, but he's wonderful when he's sober.

Kind, thoughtful, helpful.

He plans to give up drinking in the new year, anyway, when I give up smoking. Just not sure I can last til then.

OP posts:

thiscantbeit · 21/08/2011 23:23

I suppose I didn't realise how awful it sounds from the outside. I absolutely KNOW that he was bang out of order tonight. As I said, I'm disgusted with him.

I just never thought he had this in him, y'know?

Don't want to believe that the last seven years were a waste, don't want to lose the man I love, don't want fucking alcohol to come between us.

Oh, fuck.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 21/08/2011 23:20

What's he like when he's not drinking? Just asking on the very off chance that he'd see that he should stop drinking.

Does he play his music too loud and refuse to turn it down when he's sober?

What's wrong with headphones, eh?

Xales · 21/08/2011 23:18

Not having a go at you.

Just pointing out what sort of a person your P comes across as. Like I said earlier he sounds nasty.

You yourself say I'm just exhausted by it all, tired of being on edge when he drinks, tired of arguing, tired of hangovers and We don't have kids yet (thank God)

It sounds like a prison sentence not a relationship.

If he was a wanker 100% of the time you would walk out and close the door behind you it is the nice bits that keep you there longer than you should.

He shows no incentive to change but thinks he can do what he wants and you should agree with him.

Do you really want to live like this for another year, 5 years or 10 years? Or even consider bringing children into a nasty atmosphere like this?

AnyFucker · 21/08/2011 23:18

he isn't behaving well

whether he's a good person, I dunno

thiscantbeit · 21/08/2011 23:16

Glass got broken because he pushed a wheely chair across the floor which banged into a table. No scuffles or anything.

I realise I sound like I'm defending him. I probably am. I don't want to believe he's not a good person.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 21/08/2011 23:14

reaction

AnyFucker · 21/08/2011 23:13

you are not being pathetic, but defending your partner is not the right thing to do

people on this thread are expressing dismay at his behaviour...and your default rection is to defend him

does that tell you anything at all ?

TheSecondComing · 21/08/2011 23:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thiscantbeit · 21/08/2011 23:11

I'm not here to complain about the neighbours. I just wanted to give some background for context.

I completely agree DP is out of order for the aggression - I hate violence and aggression of any kind and am completely disgusted by his behaviour, whatever the rights and wrongs of the argument itself.

Sorry to be pathetic, but I can't handle someone else having a go at me right now.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 21/08/2011 23:09

who are you complaining about here ?

DP or the neighbours ?

make your mind up

your P is being U, with the music and the aggression...don't you accept that ?

if you want to moan about the neighbours, start another thread...

thiscantbeit · 21/08/2011 23:07

Also, I'm not oblivious to the annoyance/misery excessive noise can cause.

As I said, twice, DP has most definitely been out of order WRT noise. There's no excuse for that. But they have also complained when it a) really isn't loud and b) isn't at anti social hours.

OP posts:

thiscantbeit · 21/08/2011 23:00

They showed their displeasure by banging on the ceiling.

OP posts:

thiscantbeit · 21/08/2011 22:59

To clarify, they have complained ABOUT the other neighbours enough to get them evicted.

OP posts:

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

AnyFucker · 21/08/2011 22:59

did he turn it off at 9:30 ?

or did the neighbours have to complain first ?

thiscantbeit · 21/08/2011 22:58

Xales - he has only got this angry once or twice before, it really isn't a common occurence.

The oversensitivity is with regard purely to the music. They have also complained enough to the other neighbours that they are being evicted.

Tonight he was playing his music at 9:30.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 21/08/2011 22:57

Your partner sounds like a twat first and foremost

does he have a drinking problem ?

I dunno... quite often the twattery is the deciding factor as to whether you feel it appropriate to continue the relationship

anything else can smack of finding excuses for it, IMO

Unflip

1 2

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.