What to do about girlfriend - should I stay or should I go?

[TicTacTony]

I'm a soon-to-be-divorced father of 2, aged 47. I've been with my girlfriend for 18 months and she's 45.

We met on a dating site and she's my first serious girlfriend since my wife walked out in 2008. During that 2 years of being alone I dated a few women I met online but it never came to anything, and I also had a much younger 'friend with benefits' who I had great fun with, was very close to, and loved a lot, but she did not want anything more. During this time I also worked on my relationship with my kids (boy 11, girl 13) and we were really close. My ex and I did mediation and everything was amicable. Looking back it was a good time but I am not the type to be single forever.

I was 45 when I met my current girlfriend and panicking about growing old alone. She seemed great online and for the first weeks, and I introduced her to my kids very early on, which I now realise was a mistake. My girlfriend has no children and is probably unable to have any due to various gynaecological problems, and she is very bitter about this. She cannot stand to be around my children and wants me to keep them entirely separate from her, if I try to meld the two worlds she says I am 'rubbing it in' that she can't have children. She really wants a baby with me but I don't because there are so many problems within our relationship.

She has a particular problem with my daughter who I was very close to. For example my daughter would come and sit on my knee, and my girlfriend would get very upset about this and say it wasn't appropriate - she is Asian so maybe it's cultural - but also I think there is territory marking and jealousy. Every time the 4 of us were together it ended in an argument with my girlfriend saying I'd neglected her in favour of the kids. It's now much easier to keep everything separate but my relationship with my kids is suffering and they feel neglected by me.

I am virtually living at my girlfriend's house now because she won't come to mine. I have to keep my rental up because I need somewhere to see the kids. It feels like I'm living 2 separate lives and doing everything but none of it very well, nobody is particularly happy with me. I get no me-time because I am now commuting much further to work and dashing around all the time between kids and girlfriend. I tried to finish with my girlfriend a few times early on but she got upset and we ended up agreeing to work things out. I have form for staying in bad relationships because I was miserable with my wife for the final 5 years but I'd never have left her, she had to leave me to make me do anything about it.

My girlfriend is also quite abusive to me - she criticises my appearance with snide comments, and does not want me to see my friends. She's having a bad time at work so I try to let it go over my head but it is affecting my confidence. I used to be very sexually confident but now I am often unable to perform. I did not tell my 'friend with benefits' about my girlfriend for a while and continued to sleep with her too, I know this is bad but at that point I didn't know if my girlfriend would last or not. I found that I had no problem performing with the FWB. Once the FWB found out about my girlfriend she backed off and I no longer see her. I miss her a lot, and my other old friends too, and my old life. I don't have much in common with my girlfriend but I was hoping that through shared experiences this would become less of a problem.

So now I'm 18 months into this relationship and I feel like we've invested too much time in it now to give up. This baby / biological clock thing is a big issue and I'd feel bad leaving her with no hope at all. I'm probably to some extent 'settling' for my girlfriend, is this normal? There are a few good points - I see her having no children as a good thing, and she is financially solvent. I also worry about the effect on my kids if they see a string of women coming and going from my life. I often wonder what else is out there, and if there is someone like my FWB who would be willing to settle down with me, but I'm not sure it's worth the risk as she was probably a one-of-a-kind.

So I'm just wondering what people think, should I cut my losses and finish it, or keep trying to work on it and hope these are just issues that iron themselves out?

[Eurostar]

You are putting yourself and this woman ahead of your children. Not being able to cuddle your 4 year old because of her? Really this is dreadful. I am at risk of kicking a man when he is down so will try not to slate you too much but seriously, stop with the "what ifs" and get on with it. If you think that you love this woman, who has treated you so badly to the extent that you can't get an erection with her sometimes, again, you have some very faulty thinking going on. Do get help.

[DuelingFanjo]

daughter is 13, not 4. Not that this makes a difference.

[gotolder]

Do you not realise what a catch you would be without this millstone round your neck? There are loads of mature women out there with and without DCs who are fed up with the fact that most mature men are only interested in much younger women, and who have almost resigned themselves to being alone for the rest of their lives.

This relationship is toxic and you deserve better.

[TicTacTony]

Thank you all this was a kick I needed. I can't stand to think of my daughter feeling that she comes second to anyone in my life - I know this is entirely my own fault and I need to fix it and soon before I damage my relationship with them even more than it already has. I know I have fucked up in so many ways and hurt a lot of people, my priorities have been totally skewed. I had thought I could somehow fix things with my girlfriend and over time she would relax more about my kids but I guess after 18 months and her now refusing to see them at all that that is not going to happen.

She is harrassing me to marry her and I am worried about just 'falling into' marriage like I seem to fall into lots of things in life. When my wife and I finally split I said I would not compromise myself in the same way ever again but that is exactly what I have ended up doing.

The thing about cuddling my daughter is that my girlfriend actually made me think it was 'wrong', and I turned to the internet to see what others thought about it (that's how I found this site although I never dared post before). I wondered if I was some kind of paedophile because that's how my girlfriend made me feel about it, she said my daughter was too old for it.

And yes imagine if we had a baby - my kids would be totally pushed out wouldn't they? In all honesty I couldn't see we ever would have a baby (due to her problems, and my reluctance to have more children anyway) but that means she will always be bitter and resentful of my own children doesn't it. Either way it's lose lose.

Thanks again.

[CalamityKate]

TBH, even if this woman was lovely apart from her issues with your kids, I'd be saying get rid.

You get ONE chance at bringing your kids up to feel loved, and to feel as if they're the most important thing in your life. That's how it should be.

Can you imagine a few years down the line, when they're explaining how pushed out and hurt they felt, and how they felt second best to this absolutely HORRIBLE woman?!

She does not deserve your consideration of her feelings. Just dump it and move on. Bleugh.

[ilovesprouts]

get rid asap my kids will always come first b4 anyone

[elastamum]

Pls go on cuddling your daughter. I used to cuddle up to my beloved dad when I was a teenager, he was a big man and was always there for a hug and a cuddle. I loved him dearly. He died after my youngest son was born and I still miss him.

My youngest son (10) recently climbed into bed for a cuddle with me in the morning when my new BF was sitting in bed beside me drinking tea! They all get on really well, the kids like him and DS2 didnt feel that he couldnt cuddle up with mum because BF was in bed!

Find a GF who gets on well with your children and who they really like and your life will be transformed.

[z1rconia]

You say that you worry about "hurting and humiliating" this woman,by leaving her. Just what is she doing to you? Isolating you from your friends and children,systematically wearing you down. Luckily,you still have your own home,which makes a split easier. My brother was in a similar situation to you. Unfortunately he married the woman and now hardly ever sees his son. Sorry but do use contraception, as there doesn't seem to be a maternal bone in this ghastly woman's body.

[QuintessentialShadow]

I am glad you seem to be coming to your senses.
Dont put women before your kids. You will end up totally alone without even your kids to care for, and to be loved by! Focus on your relationship with your kids. Then, ensure that your next partner is not an obsessive loon with issues regards to her partners kids!

[QuintessentialShadow]

I should add, I am a mother of two boys. They are 6 and 9. They frequently climb up on my lap for hugs and cuddles. I really enjoy those moments. If somebody were to make me into a pedf because of this, I would possibly slap them around the head with a fish. A big wet slimy fish that is about to go off. In fact, it is off. Smelly and sour. Just to bring the point into slimy oblivion.

[tethersend]

Let us know how you get on, Tony.

[MrsHoolie]

My boyfriend has two children with his ex wife. I have always said they can come and stay whenever they like and have never ever felt jealous of them.

Like everyone else has said you need to get rid of your girlfriend and not feel responsible for her.

Your relationship with your children is far more important than anything.

By the way you sound like a lovely man and you will meet someone else,who accepts you and your children I'm sure.

[MyHipsHurt]

Please give your daughter a BIG cuddle! Your daughter is never too 'old' for a cuddle from her dad. I'm in my 40s and would love my dad to be able to cuddle me again; it's one of the very few memories that are nice from my shit childhood (mainly caused by the parent who put her crappy partners before me, her child). Please don't do the same thing to your precious children.

[kickassangel]

Your kids are old enough that I think you should apologize to them and explain that you can't stay with a woman who won't accept them. You then need to back that up with actions and make the break. What would happen if you refused to see your gf for a weekend to spendtime with your kids?

[SweetGrapes]

Haven't read all the posts. But discussing lists to stay together???? You're in arranged marriage territory! Is that what you want? Seriously!!! If you need a list, you need OUT!

Meet her at a neutral spot (starbucks etc) and tell her it's over (short and snappy - no discussions) and go home. Change locks, switch phone off/get new number etc. etc... Change emails , delete from fb etc etc...

I was with someone for 6 years because every time I broke up we had a 'discussion'. Finally, I met him on the street, broke up and caught a bus - alone.

You really want to be together, get married, have a baby and neglect your existing kids because you don't have the guts to say 'It's over'? You want to be together for the next 18 years because you can't say 'No' at 18 months??

[jesuswhatnext]

you sound like a nice bloke!, im bloody sure that there are women out there who would be pleased to be involved with your children, who would enjoy being part of an extended family etc

btw, im 48 and my dad still hugs me! its quite normal!

[GertieWooster]

She sounds vile. End this before it damages your relationship with your children.

Cuddling your daughter is lovely. It shows her warped sense of what a normal relationship is that she can see anything wrong with that. Hug your son too.

I'm in my 40s and still give my strapping 21 year old son a hug.

[HerHissyness]

I am that you are even speaking to a woman that can't bear to be anywhere near your DC.

Run like the fucking wind. She sounds absolutely VILE! I'll introduce her to my X, he shouldn't have any more kids, is foul, abusive, thinks the sun shines out of his arse, and lives 2000 miles away in the sunshine - Result!

There is not a single human being on this planet that is worth betraying your own kids for. Anyone who told me cuddling my DS was wrong would be out the door with a boot up their arse before they could even draw breath!

I'd rather spend the rest of my life alone than be forced to share my life with someone as despicable as my X or yours!

[GertieWooster]

As a single about to dip my toe back into the world of dating (does that sound rude? it's not meant to), I would far rather meet a man who has a healthy and involved relationship with his children than one who doesn't.

I, too, have an ex she sounds perfect for.

[WhoseGotMyEyebrows]

Run, run like the wind!

[Avinalarf]

She sounds like a deeply insecure and immature person. Bin her off.

[HawthornLantern]

Your GF sounds an unhappy, insecure woman who is lashing out. You can feel sympathy for her but don't confuse that with love and don't think that you can mend her. It?s her responsibility to get help for these issues, not to try and warp you so that she feels a bit better.

Your responsibility is primarily to your children, not to a GF. I don?t have children. My partner does. They light up his life and if they didn?t I would think a damn site less of him because that is how my parents thought of me and that is how parents should think of and treat their children. At a guess I would think most women would take this view, however nervous of the children they might be. I?m the age of your GF and DP is a few years older and his kids are young adults, so the potential demands on time might be very different, but they are bloody amazing young people to be around and I'm thrilled they exist.

But?. regardless of their age, your children should not ever doubt that you love them, that you are there for them and that you want to be with them. Right now the GF is getting in the way of that and this is not ok. It?s not ok for anyone to get in the way of that. I think you know that but you needed to hear it from other voices.

However much you may want to be kind to your GF, her pain is not your responsibility ? she managed before she met you afterall - and extending this situation hurts your children (and you) who are your responsibility.

There are ? theoretically ? two ways forward here. One is that your GF takes some responsibility, starts addressing her issues and changes so that she fully accepts the central place of your children in your life. That?s not going to happen is it? From all you have written, change is not on the cards but the possibility of getting trapped in years of wrangling over whether GF can change, is changing, has changed is very likely indeed ? if you let it. Years which could finally destroy your relationship with your children.

The other way forward is to break up. I?m sure you want to be kind to the GF ? but bear in mind that she doesn?t want to hear ?we are breaking up? and will in all likelihood do everything she can to resist it. So be clear, be firm - assuming this is your decision.

I wish you well and I wish you a renewed and happy relationship with your kids. And over time - a happy relationship with an emotionally mature female! It is ok for you to be happy too....

[counsellingtricks]

I agree with everything everyone has said.

This woman is not right for you and if you carry on seeing her you will only end up more and more unhappy.

She is not ready for any relationship until she sorts out her own issues re. children/fertility etc etc.

Two other points- your children would rather see you have a string of girlfriends than another divorce, surely?

You are not too old to start again- you are the right side fo 50 , but in any case, and more and more couples are splitting up later in life- that could include me and I am 10 years older!

I don't know if you have tried counselling but it's maybe worth thinking about something- maybe CBT- as you seem to have issues with endings and prefer to live with unhappiness rather than taking control of your life. This is something you need to deal with or it will continue to dog you in future.

[Pigglesworth]

Leave your girlfriend! It sounds like SHE is the reason other areas of your life have deteriorated, anyway. Staying with her longer will just drag you down further.

You sound like you have had a few self-esteem destroying experiences that make you feel that this woman is the best that you can get - even if she is largely horrible. But as I read this I think you sound like a catch for many single women in your age group - a loyal, sensitive, "normal" man with good relationships with his children. Get back out there and enjoy dating!

[sniffy]

Get out now. No discussions.
Put your children first and move on.

She sounds like a toxic millstone