What to do about girlfriend - should I stay or should I go?

[TicTacTony]

I'm a soon-to-be-divorced father of 2, aged 47. I've been with my girlfriend for 18 months and she's 45.

We met on a dating site and she's my first serious girlfriend since my wife walked out in 2008. During that 2 years of being alone I dated a few women I met online but it never came to anything, and I also had a much younger 'friend with benefits' who I had great fun with, was very close to, and loved a lot, but she did not want anything more. During this time I also worked on my relationship with my kids (boy 11, girl 13) and we were really close. My ex and I did mediation and everything was amicable. Looking back it was a good time but I am not the type to be single forever.

I was 45 when I met my current girlfriend and panicking about growing old alone. She seemed great online and for the first weeks, and I introduced her to my kids very early on, which I now realise was a mistake. My girlfriend has no children and is probably unable to have any due to various gynaecological problems, and she is very bitter about this. She cannot stand to be around my children and wants me to keep them entirely separate from her, if I try to meld the two worlds she says I am 'rubbing it in' that she can't have children. She really wants a baby with me but I don't because there are so many problems within our relationship.

She has a particular problem with my daughter who I was very close to. For example my daughter would come and sit on my knee, and my girlfriend would get very upset about this and say it wasn't appropriate - she is Asian so maybe it's cultural - but also I think there is territory marking and jealousy. Every time the 4 of us were together it ended in an argument with my girlfriend saying I'd neglected her in favour of the kids. It's now much easier to keep everything separate but my relationship with my kids is suffering and they feel neglected by me.

I am virtually living at my girlfriend's house now because she won't come to mine. I have to keep my rental up because I need somewhere to see the kids. It feels like I'm living 2 separate lives and doing everything but none of it very well, nobody is particularly happy with me. I get no me-time because I am now commuting much further to work and dashing around all the time between kids and girlfriend. I tried to finish with my girlfriend a few times early on but she got upset and we ended up agreeing to work things out. I have form for staying in bad relationships because I was miserable with my wife for the final 5 years but I'd never have left her, she had to leave me to make me do anything about it.

My girlfriend is also quite abusive to me - she criticises my appearance with snide comments, and does not want me to see my friends. She's having a bad time at work so I try to let it go over my head but it is affecting my confidence. I used to be very sexually confident but now I am often unable to perform. I did not tell my 'friend with benefits' about my girlfriend for a while and continued to sleep with her too, I know this is bad but at that point I didn't know if my girlfriend would last or not. I found that I had no problem performing with the FWB. Once the FWB found out about my girlfriend she backed off and I no longer see her. I miss her a lot, and my other old friends too, and my old life. I don't have much in common with my girlfriend but I was hoping that through shared experiences this would become less of a problem.

So now I'm 18 months into this relationship and I feel like we've invested too much time in it now to give up. This baby / biological clock thing is a big issue and I'd feel bad leaving her with no hope at all. I'm probably to some extent 'settling' for my girlfriend, is this normal? There are a few good points - I see her having no children as a good thing, and she is financially solvent. I also worry about the effect on my kids if they see a string of women coming and going from my life. I often wonder what else is out there, and if there is someone like my FWB who would be willing to settle down with me, but I'm not sure it's worth the risk as she was probably a one-of-a-kind.

So I'm just wondering what people think, should I cut my losses and finish it, or keep trying to work on it and hope these are just issues that iron themselves out?

[clam]

I can guarantee that when you get shot of her (kindly but firmly) the other areas of your life that you feel are not working currently, will miraculously improve. Particularly your relationshp with your children.

[WillIEverBeASizeTen]

I wouldn't even try to go into the nuts and bolts of this situation...she doesn't want to have, or you to have a relationship with your children...get rid, it's a no brainer really...

[heleninahandcart]

and should have said spend some time out of any relationships to find out want you really want, allow yourself to 'grow', be your own man.

[heleninahandcart]

She doesn't see the important of your DCs, she has driven a wedge and you've allowed it to happen because of your own concerns about being alone etc. You seem to know this relationship and situation are not right already, so take on the advice from the wise MNs, grow a pair and be happy. There are plenty of lovely women out there who will respect your relationship with your children and actually LIKE you

[tb]

OP, what would happen if you 'fell into marriage' with your gf, and she continued to refuse to see your children?She would probably start to restrict your access to them.

Imagine how your little girl would feel. She would start to worry if she would ever see you again.

You cannot abandon your children like this. You have an obligation to them for the rest of your life.

Please get some counselling/help to resolve any problems that you still have in relation to your past relationships. It sounds as if you may need a little help not to get 'stuck' where you don't want to be.

[hellymelly]

I also feel that your children shpould come first, and that if she can't be at least kind and warm towards them,and allow you to really be a Dad,then she can't be the one for you,as you are a man who comes as a package with children. There will be other girlfriends,but damaging your relationship with your children to please someone who really doesn't sound very caring towards any of you,is something I imagine you would bitterly regret in the future. Its ok being single! It has its good points,have some time alone for a bit,get your confidence back,and then think about looking for someone who fits you better.

[Robotindisguise]

What everyone else said.

And try not to over-think your relationship with your daughter. At 13, she's a teenager one minute, a child the next. And as a result of your divorce, possibly still in need of some child-like reassurance. Very sad you say you "were" close to her. You can and should get that back. Who is this woman to supplant her in this way? You've only been with her for 18 months.

If you don't want to be alone long-term, you won't. But a bit of time alone wouldn't be the end of the world. If only to learn there's nothing to fear from it.

[buzzsore]

[buzzsore]

Well, it just goes to show that the popular criticism of this board that if "it was the other way round" our answers would be different is a lot of old tot .

OP, your relationship with this woman is crap and your children should come first. That she would drive a wedge between you and you would let her is profoundly depressing. Get rid and start again. 18 months is nothing and as someone on here says(ish), if your financial investment was losing you money month after month after month you wouldn't keep pouring money in, would you?

[PercyPigPie]

Is this a joke? she sounds dreadful - what in the world are you thinking about staying with her for? at least if you leave now she could have a baby (maybe egg donar) with someone else. Use that as your excuse and run for the hills.

[ilovesprouts]

.

[FabbyChic]

I got half way through your opening post and seriously you are mad to stay with this woman, get rid of her and find a decent woman who knows what it is like to have children, who knows that children come first.

[HerHissyness]

lifechanger... I know I am a jaded old crone, a cynical man hater, but seriously, you asked a MAN "Why can't you be single for a bit?"

and said that he won't fall into marriage if he does nothing...

Why continue to see her? - do I really need to answer that for you?

IMHO Men DON'T often end relationships without someone waiting on the sidelines, or at least lined up in the target area. Like the myth that goes round that men will die unless they ejaculate every few days, men's dicks may very well fall off or shrink away to nothing if men are not in a sexual relationship ... apprently...

People do allow shitty relationships to potter on and on, long past their sell-by date, often for the sake of nothing more than sex, and convenience. They also factor in Fear Obligation and Guilt, and that FOG paralyses them into sticking with someone that should have been told to FF the FF off a long time ago.

Seriously TicTacTony, you wouldn't be introducing a string of unsuitable women to your DC, you would only introduce the one you think is really worth them meeting. Only after a year of dating her would she have passed muster to meet you DC!

The one you are with was a no-no right from the start. She should have stayed a Friend With Benefits tbh, she was never, ever going to be a keeper.

Deep breath, put yourself first, and your DC uppermost and break it off with the Wicked Witch of the West.

[timetoask]

Your girlfriend needs to work on HER issues regarding not being able to have children. As hurtful as that must be, she has no right in telling you that you are "rubbing it in" when you spend valuable time with your children.

You sound like a very nice man, you are still young. I think you still have time to find someone lovely that will accept you and your children.

You are still on time to stop this from going further.

[HoneyNutLoop]

I won't tell you whether or not you should leave this woman, if you choose this as a way to live your life, that is your choice and your choice alone to make...besides others have been united and eloquent in their opinions...
However I will tell you this...
"I also worry about the effect on my kids if they see a string of women coming and going from my life."
What effect do you think that this situation is having on your kids?
Your daughter can't sit on your knee...their presence ends in arguments...you have to see them separately from gf! You say yourself that your relationship with them has suffered...
Well it seems right now that you are teaching them that their happiness and security is not your priority, that that they are second rate citizens undeserving of respect and love, that they are an inconvenience in your new life, that family is not a secure, safe environment and that unconditional love of a parent is a transient thing, with conditions if circumstances change...
I am sorry if this is harsh, and I can see from your post that you love your children and what to protect them, but really which is the worse lesson? That love with a partner is something that takes time, and work and you might not get it right the first time, however you pick up the pieces, respect yourself and your values and move on (isn't this what we all learn at some point - unless we marry our high school sweetheart)... Or that daddy, their ultimate protector,
will tolerate a relative stranger treating them with no love, respect and kindness?
Whilst neither lesson is ideal, I know which one I'd rather have my kids learn...
Good luck, this will work out...as long as you love and respect yourself and most importantly, your children. Be strong.

[sniffy]

Get out now. No discussions.
Put your children first and move on.

She sounds like a toxic millstone

[Pigglesworth]

Leave your girlfriend! It sounds like SHE is the reason other areas of your life have deteriorated, anyway. Staying with her longer will just drag you down further.

You sound like you have had a few self-esteem destroying experiences that make you feel that this woman is the best that you can get - even if she is largely horrible. But as I read this I think you sound like a catch for many single women in your age group - a loyal, sensitive, "normal" man with good relationships with his children. Get back out there and enjoy dating!

[counsellingtricks]

I agree with everything everyone has said.

This woman is not right for you and if you carry on seeing her you will only end up more and more unhappy.

She is not ready for any relationship until she sorts out her own issues re. children/fertility etc etc.

Two other points- your children would rather see you have a string of girlfriends than another divorce, surely?

You are not too old to start again- you are the right side fo 50 , but in any case, and more and more couples are splitting up later in life- that could include me and I am 10 years older!

I don't know if you have tried counselling but it's maybe worth thinking about something- maybe CBT- as you seem to have issues with endings and prefer to live with unhappiness rather than taking control of your life. This is something you need to deal with or it will continue to dog you in future.

[HawthornLantern]

Your GF sounds an unhappy, insecure woman who is lashing out. You can feel sympathy for her but don't confuse that with love and don't think that you can mend her. It?s her responsibility to get help for these issues, not to try and warp you so that she feels a bit better.

Your responsibility is primarily to your children, not to a GF. I don?t have children. My partner does. They light up his life and if they didn?t I would think a damn site less of him because that is how my parents thought of me and that is how parents should think of and treat their children. At a guess I would think most women would take this view, however nervous of the children they might be. I?m the age of your GF and DP is a few years older and his kids are young adults, so the potential demands on time might be very different, but they are bloody amazing young people to be around and I'm thrilled they exist.

But?. regardless of their age, your children should not ever doubt that you love them, that you are there for them and that you want to be with them. Right now the GF is getting in the way of that and this is not ok. It?s not ok for anyone to get in the way of that. I think you know that but you needed to hear it from other voices.

However much you may want to be kind to your GF, her pain is not your responsibility ? she managed before she met you afterall - and extending this situation hurts your children (and you) who are your responsibility.

There are ? theoretically ? two ways forward here. One is that your GF takes some responsibility, starts addressing her issues and changes so that she fully accepts the central place of your children in your life. That?s not going to happen is it? From all you have written, change is not on the cards but the possibility of getting trapped in years of wrangling over whether GF can change, is changing, has changed is very likely indeed ? if you let it. Years which could finally destroy your relationship with your children.

The other way forward is to break up. I?m sure you want to be kind to the GF ? but bear in mind that she doesn?t want to hear ?we are breaking up? and will in all likelihood do everything she can to resist it. So be clear, be firm - assuming this is your decision.

I wish you well and I wish you a renewed and happy relationship with your kids. And over time - a happy relationship with an emotionally mature female! It is ok for you to be happy too....

[Avinalarf]

She sounds like a deeply insecure and immature person. Bin her off.

[WhoseGotMyEyebrows]

Run, run like the wind!

[GertieWooster]

As a single about to dip my toe back into the world of dating (does that sound rude? it's not meant to), I would far rather meet a man who has a healthy and involved relationship with his children than one who doesn't.

I, too, have an ex she sounds perfect for.