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Relationships

Problems conceiving, husband having doubts

34 replies

RockyB · 11/08/2011 10:06

Hello, I'm new to this board. I started out on the pregnancy board in January, moved to the miscarriage board in February, thought everything was ok for a while, then went back to the miscarriage board a month or so ago,.... but now think the miscarriage and the stress of it probably means I need to be on this board! Anyway, sorry for the ramble!

After 18 months of trying to conceive (including a miscarriage earlier in the year) my husband has now said he wants to stop trying for a while. He has told me this 6 weeks before my due date for the miscarried baby, which although doesn't mean much to him, it does to me of course.

His reasons are he's not sure if it's 'right for him right now'. How he can use this phrase for a process that doesn't seem to have a 'right now' in it (we've been trying for so long) seems strange to me, and I can't help worry that he's trying to soften the blow about him not wanting a baby at all. He keeps saying 'it's not you, it's me' and that he thinks he needs a break to, in his words, 'prepare for fatherhood'.

He told me this 3 weeks ago. Since then I've taken it very badly, but perked myself up for a week or so, and now I'm off work with a dreadful virus (which I can't help but feel is related to the stress of everything as I'm rarely poorly). I feel very powerless, as he says he needs time to think about 'things'. Obviously I've worried that he's evaluating our future, but he has reassured me this isn't the case - he loves me and wants to be with me, but needs to think about whether this is right FOR HIM (RIGHT NOW) (you get the picture,...).

All this comes at a time when he was about to get himself tested (I was tested last year and I was ok). He denies that this is a reason, although it is bound to be a contributing factor. He also talks about enjoying not having resposibilities and how he doesn't think we're too old to delay this for a few years. However, I'm 35 and he's 37, so I don't think we have as much time as he believes. And I find this attitude a bit selfish.

I've rang up about counselling and the honest truth is we can't afford it. I did wonder if I should just concentrate on myself for a few weeks and try to hope things resolves themselves, but there is a real underlying tension. It has also spread to our families as we've both told our parents about things,.... so much so that now my husband doesn't want to see my parents at the weekend because he feels 'guilty',....

Any help or advice very much appreciated. Thank you.

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solidgoldbrass · 13/08/2011 22:15

It's the fact that every progression in the relationship has been instigated by you, and he has whined and piked and puked and threatened to leave each time and then reluctantly given in, that makes me think you will not have much fun looking after a baby and expecting this man to step up to the mark.

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SheCutOffTheirTails · 14/08/2011 08:51

You have a couple of months to convince him you're "good together with or without children"?

And if you do, he'll give you some of his precious sperm.

But what if you don't convince him?

If it's a genuine test, then presumably you can fail it?

What if he isn't convinced you're good together?

Will he leave? Put off TTC again?

You need to know.

I thought advice to leave was way premature before now (and I'm with Dozer - not usually slow to advise getting out) but now it seems that he is thinking in terms of the relationship being over.

Either that or he's playing very cruel games.

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Eurostar · 14/08/2011 13:58

If he's having trouble now with the focus off your relationship, what will he be like once you have a baby and he will definitely be taking second place for some time? You need to be sure he is not one of the ones who will take very badly to all your attention moving to the baby. You've given him so much focus and attention over your relationship by the sounds of it. He's actually being sensible rather than selfish one could say, realising that he is perhaps not going to be able to step up to being a father rather than the only object of your attentions.

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TryLikingClarity · 14/08/2011 14:23

At the end of the day: you're 35, he's 37. You're not over the hill, but time isn't slowing down any for either of you.

It's good that he's going to get his sperm tested next month, that will help you both know more about whether or not he has issues with his body or not.

Once the results are in, you both need to be on the same page about what to do next - be it regular unprotected sex, further medical tests or IVF type treatments.

He can't keep pulling the card of shutting down and you being the one to poke and prod him into doing the next step in the journey.

He's a grown man and needs to be more clued in on his role too.

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RockyB · 14/08/2011 16:35

Thank you again, it's interesting to hear what everyone thinks. I've spent a few hours at my parents this afternoon chewing things over, and even though I have no money they've both said that if it gets that bad I am to 'go home'. Both of them agree that there is something more here at play than than the trying to conceive and that he needs to stop going through these 'crisis' that involve seriously fucking around with me,..... Every time he reaches a plateau he sends us into panic mode.

And I now feel a lot clearer. I'm going to Relate next week. I'll tell him I'm going, but for now I want to go on my own. I'm not going to let him undermine my feelings or my self worth. To be honest there is NO WAY I would consider having a baby with him at present, because these 2/3 yearly events where he completely pulls the cord on us for a few weeks are completely not good enough. I deserve better. I feel he actually likes to see me desperate and insecure, and ironically I think it's because HE'S the one who's chronically insecure and gets off on putting me in this frame of mind. I don't think he's even aware he's doing it, or why he's doing it, but this is the only way he knows how to get control.

Really, it's just enough form of abuse,.... And you want to know the other surprise?!! He's a really nice, friendly, outwardly confident, good looking, successful bloke. The life and soul of any party, very outgoing and socially confident, the first to put his arm around me when we're in company,..... No one would ever believe this Jekyll and Hyde character and I think he knows it.

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SheCutOffTheirTails · 14/08/2011 17:38

Wow, good for you Rocky

It is great that you have parents you can talk to about things like this, and wonderful that they are so supportive.

Good luck :)

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hairylights · 14/08/2011 20:58

Terrible, terrible advice from holysschmoley.

You need to either do it as a couple or not at all.

I had miscarriages and had to really consider a break from ttc - the pressure is immense, and coupled with the stress and grief I can well understand his need to take tic off the agenda for a little while.

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Dozer · 14/08/2011 23:48

You sound like you're a bit clearer, hope things look up for you soon.

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solidgoldbrass · 14/08/2011 23:58

You'd be amazed how many people would believe that this man is an inadequate bullying knob, actually. Abusive men are often fabulous in company at least in their own eyes, but most of the assembled company are muttering 'Knob!' to each other when the abusive man isn't looking.
He's just been telling you that he is wonderful, because (he says) everyone else agrees that he's wonderful, and that you must be an awful person if you are not sufficiently grateful to have been allowed to be his partner that you obey him all the time...
Every post you make about this fucknugget makes him sound worse.