Problems conceiving, husband having doubts

[RockyB]

Hello, I'm new to this board. I started out on the pregnancy board in January, moved to the miscarriage board in February, thought everything was ok for a while, then went back to the miscarriage board a month or so ago,.... but now think the miscarriage and the stress of it probably means I need to be on this board! Anyway, sorry for the ramble!

After 18 months of trying to conceive (including a miscarriage earlier in the year) my husband has now said he wants to stop trying for a while. He has told me this 6 weeks before my due date for the miscarried baby, which although doesn't mean much to him, it does to me of course.

His reasons are he's not sure if it's 'right for him right now'. How he can use this phrase for a process that doesn't seem to have a 'right now' in it (we've been trying for so long) seems strange to me, and I can't help worry that he's trying to soften the blow about him not wanting a baby at all. He keeps saying 'it's not you, it's me' and that he thinks he needs a break to, in his words, 'prepare for fatherhood'.

He told me this 3 weeks ago. Since then I've taken it very badly, but perked myself up for a week or so, and now I'm off work with a dreadful virus (which I can't help but feel is related to the stress of everything as I'm rarely poorly). I feel very powerless, as he says he needs time to think about 'things'. Obviously I've worried that he's evaluating our future, but he has reassured me this isn't the case - he loves me and wants to be with me, but needs to think about whether this is right FOR HIM (RIGHT NOW) (you get the picture,...).

All this comes at a time when he was about to get himself tested (I was tested last year and I was ok). He denies that this is a reason, although it is bound to be a contributing factor. He also talks about enjoying not having resposibilities and how he doesn't think we're too old to delay this for a few years. However, I'm 35 and he's 37, so I don't think we have as much time as he believes. And I find this attitude a bit selfish.

I've rang up about counselling and the honest truth is we can't afford it. I did wonder if I should just concentrate on myself for a few weeks and try to hope things resolves themselves, but there is a real underlying tension. It has also spread to our families as we've both told our parents about things,.... so much so that now my husband doesn't want to see my parents at the weekend because he feels 'guilty',....

Any help or advice very much appreciated. Thank you.

[solidgoldbrass]

You'd be amazed how many people would believe that this man is an inadequate bullying knob, actually. Abusive men are often fabulous in company at least in their own eyes, but most of the assembled company are muttering 'Knob!' to each other when the abusive man isn't looking.
He's just been telling you that he is wonderful, because (he says) everyone else agrees that he's wonderful, and that you must be an awful person if you are not sufficiently grateful to have been allowed to be his partner that you obey him all the time...
Every post you make about this fucknugget makes him sound worse.

[Dozer]

You sound like you're a bit clearer, hope things look up for you soon.

[hairylights]

Terrible, terrible advice from holysschmoley.

You need to either do it as a couple or not at all.

I had miscarriages and had to really consider a break from ttc - the pressure is immense, and coupled with the stress and grief I can well understand his need to take tic off the agenda for a little while.

[SheCutOffTheirTails]

Wow, good for you Rocky

It is great that you have parents you can talk to about things like this, and wonderful that they are so supportive.

Good luck :)

[RockyB]

Thank you again, it's interesting to hear what everyone thinks. I've spent a few hours at my parents this afternoon chewing things over, and even though I have no money they've both said that if it gets that bad I am to 'go home'. Both of them agree that there is something more here at play than than the trying to conceive and that he needs to stop going through these 'crisis' that involve seriously fucking around with me,..... Every time he reaches a plateau he sends us into panic mode.

And I now feel a lot clearer. I'm going to Relate next week. I'll tell him I'm going, but for now I want to go on my own. I'm not going to let him undermine my feelings or my self worth. To be honest there is NO WAY I would consider having a baby with him at present, because these 2/3 yearly events where he completely pulls the cord on us for a few weeks are completely not good enough. I deserve better. I feel he actually likes to see me desperate and insecure, and ironically I think it's because HE'S the one who's chronically insecure and gets off on putting me in this frame of mind. I don't think he's even aware he's doing it, or why he's doing it, but this is the only way he knows how to get control.

Really, it's just enough form of abuse,.... And you want to know the other surprise?!! He's a really nice, friendly, outwardly confident, good looking, successful bloke. The life and soul of any party, very outgoing and socially confident, the first to put his arm around me when we're in company,..... No one would ever believe this Jekyll and Hyde character and I think he knows it.

[TryLikingClarity]

At the end of the day: you're 35, he's 37. You're not over the hill, but time isn't slowing down any for either of you.

It's good that he's going to get his sperm tested next month, that will help you both know more about whether or not he has issues with his body or not.

Once the results are in, you both need to be on the same page about what to do next - be it regular unprotected sex, further medical tests or IVF type treatments.

He can't keep pulling the card of shutting down and you being the one to poke and prod him into doing the next step in the journey.

He's a grown man and needs to be more clued in on his role too.

[Eurostar]

If he's having trouble now with the focus off your relationship, what will he be like once you have a baby and he will definitely be taking second place for some time? You need to be sure he is not one of the ones who will take very badly to all your attention moving to the baby. You've given him so much focus and attention over your relationship by the sounds of it. He's actually being sensible rather than selfish one could say, realising that he is perhaps not going to be able to step up to being a father rather than the only object of your attentions.

[SheCutOffTheirTails]

You have a couple of months to convince him you're "good together with or without children"?

And if you do, he'll give you some of his precious sperm.

But what if you don't convince him?

If it's a genuine test, then presumably you can fail it?

What if he isn't convinced you're good together?

Will he leave? Put off TTC again?

You need to know.

I thought advice to leave was way premature before now (and I'm with Dozer - not usually slow to advise getting out) but now it seems that he is thinking in terms of the relationship being over.

Either that or he's playing very cruel games.

[solidgoldbrass]

It's the fact that every progression in the relationship has been instigated by you, and he has whined and piked and puked and threatened to leave each time and then reluctantly given in, that makes me think you will not have much fun looking after a baby and expecting this man to step up to the mark.

[RockyB]

He's registered with a doctor and is getting his sperm tested on the 9th September - I've seen the appointment card.

[BagofHolly]

Lucey, that's a tremendous gift! Can you tell me what will win the 3:30 at kempton park next week?

[LuceyLasstic]

He's being a nob.

no he isnt, he is probably confused, upset, grieving for the baby they lost - even though he may not say it. He probably doesnt want to see his wife feel pain like that again.

he is trying to protect himself from being hurt, and his wife from being devastated each time it doesnt work out

[Dozer]

Can he not do a sperm test in this "couple of months" off?

[Dozer]

I am never slow to say "run for the hills", but am on the fence in this cas.

Can understand the fear of ttc for men, up to a point, it is a lot of pressure on any relationship.

But I really don't like the suggestion that "if we're good together" (ie you bend over backwards for him and try hard to make everything fabulous while inside you feel broody and anxious and have no sex) he may give you another try at a baby.

Also don't like that you seem to be blaming yourself for lots of stuff.

With his history, chances are that if you did get pregnant again he may do negative stuff again.

Wrt trying after the m/c, don't worry about what you did or didn't do, no point.

[RockyB]

I'm concerned that this thread is going along the lines of 'get rid of him',.... and I think I need to reign it in a bit, just to give a more balanced view. I'm a very emotional and sensitive person, and may be my perception of things on here needs evening out.

What he HAS done since he declared all this is repeatedly declare he loves me and wants to have a future with me. He pointed out last night that I haven't done this recently (for obvious reasons). He says he gets the impression that the only reason I'm with him is to have children - he has sensed my desperation over the last few months and it's made him feel like a walking (failing) sperm bank. The miscarriage has hit me hard and I have to appreciate that there are 2 sides to this problem,... and if I'm honest this issue (i.e. a child) has taken over our relationship. I think he's already feeling a bit neglected and is thinking 'what the fcuk will it be like if we do have a baby?', and also thinking 'If I can't give her a baby I've failed',......

I'm not downplaying any of my problems here, but I just felt the need to add a his perspective. Because every woman I speak to has 'issues' with their partner and I must emphasise that my husband has many strengths that I don't. He reiterated last night that he would like 'a couple of months' to take time out and focus on us again. He says if he feels we're good together with or without children, then he'll feel a lot more confident about trying again.

And just to stress, I want to be with him, I want HIS children, I wouldn't want to just go out and meet someone and get pregnant. But with practically all my peer group being up the duff or on maternity leave etc etc this has affected me an awful lot. I cannot escape the ticking of my biological clock and it probably has made me seem desperate,....

Does this help in not portraying him as a totally selfish bastard?!!

(On a seperate note after the miscarriage I was positively encouraged by the hospital to get trying again as soon as possible. I've since heard that this is now the common advice as with modern technology it's easy to date conception. But years ago couples were usually told to wait 2/3 months to recover physically AND emotionally after a miscarriage. Part of me wonders if we'd had some 'baby time off' after the miscarriage, that we would've naturally regrouped as a couple and wouldn't have hit this brick wall,......)

[Eurostar]

and, the sort of man that SGB describes does often lazily become a father and then is a really difficult and disappointing man to parent with - as we see on many of these relationship threads. Of course some men get put off when there are difficulties and sadness after miscarriage that they can't find a way to express but a man who refuses to go for a simple sperm count test way before there has been anything "messy" happening is clearly waving a red flag.

[solidgoldbrass]

There is another thing to consider as well Rocky (and I am sorry, because this is going to sound even harsher) - reading your thread again it sounds as though, possibly, this man has never been That Into You and you have been wearing yourself out trying to make the relationship into one which progresses to marriage and children and he (because he's a lazy selfish wuss) has been eventually, reluctantly giving in to each new level of commitment as long as he doesn't have to make any effort.
It's never a good idea to expend so much energy on trying to make a reluctant partner 'love' you. If he were an ethical man with a backbone he would kindly and firmly have told you that he actually doesn't want a family - or at least that he doesn't want one with you - as it is, he's coasting, getting his needs met while holding in reserve the card that 'you wanted to commit, I only did it for you and now I don't like it so I'm going to be tiresome...'

[Booboostoo]

Having a child is a really big change especially when you are going about it in a planned way and there is a lot of time to think through the implications and worry about them. To me he sounds like he is worried, which is perfectly understandable.

My OH went through a similar period when we were trying, we resolved it by talking a lot and me explaining how much I wanted children and how late it was for trying. He was more positive then although he did freak out completely during the pregnancy.

On the positive side now that the baby has arrived he is very happy and has said that he was silly to be so worried!

[RockyB]

Thanks again for your responses. You're right, I don't like hearing the 'get out now' as I feel we've worked hard to get where we are and with the right solutions I know that we have potential. But I also understand that if he carries on doing this (i.e. running away from change) then it's something I have to consider.

I might make myself an appointment with Relate next week,.... at least it's a start and I'll feel reasonably proactive about things. At the moment I feel so helpless.

[HedleyLamarr]

If you want a baby and he doesn't then I'm afraid SGB is right, harsh as it seems. You need to find out why he doesn't want DCs, and I bet that he won't have a reasonable explanation, just vague objections. In which case it's time to move on.

[solidgoldbrass]

Oh shit, poor you. TBH (and you won't want to hear this) you would be better off binning this man and starting again. If you do manage to get PG by him he is going to make a shitty father, because you will end up doing all the work while he whines, complains, asks for sex, threatens to leave, has at least an emotional affair with someone else and basically does everything he can to make sure that your life remains all about him.
He's a self-obsessed loser who expects you to run round after him, support him no matter what, and yet offers you very little in return. Your feelings are irrelevant to him, what matters is how he feels.

I know that you are keen to have a baby and at 35 you are right to be aware that you don't have much time, but this tosser will piss away the time you do have.

[RockyB]

Wow, I would like to thank everyone for responding to this issue, I really appreciate your thoughts.

Thinking about it over the last week, I've realised that my husband has developed a pattern of behaviour that means that any 'change' or progression in our relationship causes him to press the self destruct button. We've been together 7 years - after a year he pushed a letter through my door telling me he loved me but didn't feel the relationship would work. This came at a time when we were discussing moving in together. We had a very difficult 3 months, with the revelation that he DID want to move forward. But he put me through hell in the meantime. When we got engaged 4 years ago we had our 'porngate' saga (like most couples seem to!). I discovered that he was regularly looking at porn on the internet, whenever I confronted him about it he denied, and then owned up, and then said he'd stop - but this carried on for about 6 months. Just at the point where we were planning our wedding. Must stress that it wasn't necessarily the porn that bothered me (well it did a bit), but it was the sneaking around and the not being honest that affected me a whole lot more. It really undermined my trust in him. And we've now just celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary and bought a really nice house in a 'nice' area (the agreement being it is a lovely place to start a family) and we've been in this house for 3 months and he's now dropped this bombshell.

I can't help feel that any sense of progression scares him and he backs off. I suggested this to him last night and of course he denied this, but there is a pattern here of him putting some kind of spanner in the works during crucial stages of our relationship - ironically just at points when we should be enjoying ourselves. I honestly feel that this isn't to do with me, I could be any woman, this is just the way he's wired up, and he would probably do this to any person he loved. However I am now realising that I CAN'T put up with this for the next 20 years or so. I love him and want to be with him, but these incidents put huge amounts of pressure and stress on me, him and us. And each time I feel I have to slowly rebuild my confidence and trust in him. The simple factor as well is there is no way he would let somebody do this to him,.......

I asked this morning if he would consider counselling for these issues, he refuted this and said it was just the baby issue and that I shouldn't bring up the past. I honestly feel I am hitting my head against a brick wall.

For clarification I've had 1 miscarriage. We'd only been actively trying for about 9-10 months (had not been using contraception for much longer), so I don't feel too disheartened that this could happen again for us if we try. He has asked for a 'few weeks', which he has said is likely to be 2-3 months, to think about the issue. But he wants us to carry on as normal, and I feel there are so many issues at play here that I can't carry on as normal. He keeps saying he know that this is all hurting me, but that is not why he's doing it,... And the worse thing is he doesn't want sex during this period, lots of cuddles, but no sex. He seems to think that the moment we have sex at the moment they'll be a baby (which given our history is ludicrous).

Ordinarily we have a good life. We enjoy each other's company, we're comfortable money-wise, we do nice things at the weekend, we enjoy great holidays. We both appreciate the simple things in life.

And finally there is nobody else involved. I asked him a few weeks back and he said no, and I believe this. It's about the one thing I do believe in at the moment.

Thank you again,.... it is so helpful to hear what everything thinks.

[SheCutOffTheirTails]

I think holy's advice was great - practical and speaking from personal experience.