Ex keeps wanting to meet up "as friends", how do I word this in a nice way?

[VeggieButcher]

Ex and I broke up about 5 years ago. For three years I heard nothing more from him and this was helped by the fact that he lived 200 miles away. Then out of the blue, 2 years ago I got a text off him asking if I'd sent him something dodgy in the post I text back "course not" and he came up with some daft excuse for thinking it was me and then disapeared again. This is where it all started because a few weeks after that, I had a facebook friend request from him. It had been 5 years and I didn't think it would hurt anyone so I accepted. He was quiet for a while but a few months ago started initiating conversation on there, mostly about a more previous ex who he'd caught cheating on him (wanting sympathy etc). Now he sends me a chat thing almost nightly and a few weeks ago asked if I fancied going for a curry, just as friends. I said "you're going to come 200 miles for a curry??" and he made up some excuse that he was in the area anyway

I declined.

Last week he sent me another message asking if I fancied a curry on Friday night (tonight) and I was feeling rather bored and fed up and so replied "just as friends, yeah?" and he said "yeah 100%".

I then had second thoughts as the place he wanted to go to was "our" place if you see what I mean? I made up some excuse about having a dodgy belly lately. He said "cinema instead then? my treat." he then told me he'd been dying to see a certain film but nobody would go with him and its the kind of thing I'd love." I told him I'd think about it but you wouldn't go for meals and cinema with an ex unless you were hoping for more, right? So yesterday I sent him a text with another silly excuse and I KNOW I should just tell him straight but I'm worried incase I have the wrong end of the stick and he actually is innocent - then I'll look like a big-headed twat.

There have been a few dodgy comments during facebook convos though such as "I still think we would have worked things out eventually" and "The only problems we had back then have now been resolved, but oh well" etc etc so the hints are clearly there but he promises he wants nothing more than "friends".

So I am reeling too much into this?

If not, how do I tell him NICELY that it's just not appropriate? (baring in mind he'll turn it back on me and swear he never intended for anything untoward to happen!)

[solidgoldbrass]

I've just had a message from an ex-boyfriend of 30 years ago BTW. It was a very harmless 'Hello, it's me, how are you?' message, so I have replied along the lines of 'Goodness gracious, how are you?' in the hope of hearing 'I'm well and happy blah blah' but if I get any whinarsery about 'boohoo my life is hell, will you come and kiss it better?' I will run like the wind. One of the reasons I like Facebook is that it allows me to catch up with people I lost touch with, but at a safe distance.

[EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions]

Buzzsore - Nice is over-rated. There's a whole lot of pressure on women to be 'nice', especially to men who might be sexually interested in them, even if it's not reciprocated. Better to be assertive and tell 'em where to get off, than being forced into making excuses and stressing over how to get them to back off.

AMEN

I have wasted many an hour of my life on whinyarse men that I felt guilty about binning off. It even happened to me very recently, which I blame on being newly single and having my guard down because no more

You owe him nothing, not even an email.

[KRIKRI]

Solidgoldbrass, one of the reasons I don't like Facebook is that I don't want folks randomly popping up from the past like this! I just don't want to give them the opportunity to intrude in the first place.

I think there are some men (probably some women, too) who after they've had a break up or other crisis-like situation, seem to go through their address book/phone book one by one trying to find someone who'll let them dump on them. I think after a break up, it can sometimes be the guy wanting an ego boost - a woman who'll pay him some attention, so they string them along a bit and reel them in. They can drain you like a radiator key.

They seem particularly adept at homing in on the people who like to be "nice," who maybe get a buzz out of being understanding, being helpful, being a shoulder to cry on, being useful to someone. They're less likely to tell them to bog off and more likely to feel bad about "letting them down."

OP, as others have said time and again, you don't owe this guy an iota of your time. Reasoning with him won't make a difference because he'll have some answer for everything, answers designed to make you feel like the bad guy in this. Seriously, engaging with him in any shape or form is likely to just make him think he's still got a hold on you, can still get something he wants from you or at least wring a bit more energy out of you.

[solidgoldbrass]

KriKri, maybe I have been lucky but on the whole the people from my past who have reappeared have been people it was nice to catch up with. Hardly any have made unreasonable demands on me, it has generally been a mutual flurry of 'Blimey, how are you, what's your life like?' and then a perfectly comfortable level of occasional comments on each other's status updates and very occaisional suggestions to meet up for a reunion drink (this has always, so far, been group-related eg all us [uni] people or all us [particular former workplace] people and, again, pleasant.