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Am I being silly feeling like this?

34 replies

SanFrancisco · 27/07/2011 14:53

This is just a minor issue but I'd like some thoughts on it please.

DS age 13 lives with me and my DP (not his Dad). I used to enjoy watching films before I moved in with DP occassionally - maybe once a week. Was nice to sit down with DS when he was younger and have a cuddle for a couple of hours with a DVD or something recorded from the TV. It was also nice to settle down with a bar of chocolate and a grown up film when he went to bed.

I have suddenly realised that I never watch films anymore. DP doesn't seem to have the attention span and prefers to watch factual stuff and read the paper. In an ideal world he would watch sport while reading the paper but he knows I hate sport, so he will put the news on, for example. He also has to get up early for work and is often asleep on the sofa by 9.30pm anyway, which is not condusive for DVD viewing after DS goes to bed at 9pm.

When I have tried to watch films, he will dismiss the content, the storyline or get up and walk out if there is swearing or violence, but I know he has watched things like Bond and Bourne at the cinema.

Last night DS and I were watching "outnumbered" (something both DS and I can watch together) as DP was out, he came back home half way through and then muttered about the tv programme being on the same sort of level as spongebob and total rubbish etc.

Now, don't get me wrong it wouldnt be my choice if I was on my own, but then again neither would the news or the factual programmes I seem to sit through every night. I compromise for him, but I feel he doesn't want to compromise for us, although I'm sure he would say not watching sport is a compromise.

I honestly feel if I want to watch a film with DS I would have to go and watch it in DS bedroom with him or watch a film in my bedroom but then I know DP would moan about being left out too!

Feel very uncomfortable and piggy in the middle between my DS and DP, which is ridiculous over something quite trivial isn't it?

OP posts:

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Fairenuff · 28/07/2011 15:47

SF this is a really tough decision for you.

You've had chats in the past and nothing's changed. What if nothing changes in the future?

I feel for you, I really do, it's horrible to be in your situation but your son is growing up fast. He needs and deserves to be surrounded by people who will be a positive influence in his life. So do you.

You are not supposed to feel uncomfortable in your own house
I shouldn't flinch
I shouldn't feel nervous
I can't live like this

For me, these statements say it all. You are not being silly or over-sensitive. You want to do the right thing for your son which is brave and commendable. He might seem oblivious but living like this will chip away at his self esteem. And yours.

Something has got to give - you said it.

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SanFrancisco · 28/07/2011 15:58

We've been together 3.5 years. Always was OK with my son but I never felt there was any real bond there even before I moved in. I moved in anyway thinking I was expecting too much and since then, I think DP probably feels his territory being encroached.

So, now I have decided that something has to be done about this. This is the easy bit. Deciding what to do and how to go about it - that's the difficult bit.

OP posts:

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Fairenuff · 28/07/2011 16:05

SF perhaps you and your son could move out? Sounds like it was maybe a case of too much too soon. No need to end the relationship with DP if neither of you want to but maybe 'take it back a step' and focus on your DS again for a while?

I know it's easier said than done. I know there are lots of other things to consider. Try to focus on what you want rather than reasons why it might be difficult to achieve.

Once the decision is made, that's the hardest step. After that, everything you do will be the steps, one at a time, you need to take to get you there.

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Ephiny · 28/07/2011 16:07

Would you consider going back to living separately if it came to that? It doesn't have to mean splitting up, just admitting that this might not be the best living arrangement for you right now? Of course it would be ideal if you can sort things out without doing that, but could you have it there as a possibility so neither of you feel 'trapped' in this situation.

It's fair enough for your DP not to have a strong bond with DS, he's not his son and they haven't even known each other all that long. But not good for him to be critcising/arguing all the time, or making you feel 'stuck in the middle' between them.

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buzzsore · 28/07/2011 16:28

I think living together has possibly been an experiment that hasn't worked - if your dp is always negative and dismissive of your ds, then it isn't fair to make your son live with him. You come as a package.

It's important that any step-parent at least likes and makes the effort for the child whose life they enter. And your dp doesn't appear to fit that bill, from your later posts.

I think you should go back to whatever the living arrangements were before you moved in.

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exoticfruits · 28/07/2011 16:35

I had a friend who married a man similar, they all had to tread on eggshells around him, DCs avoided him as much as possible and kept to their own rooms. She eventually got rid of him and the DCs blossomed. It is very hard to grow up with such a negative person.

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ImperialBlether · 28/07/2011 19:08

I know it's not helpful, but why did you move in with a man who didn't have a fantastic relationship with your son?

In my opinion, for your son's sake, you should move out. As buzzsore says, the experiment failed. Your son can't be happy living with someone who behaves like this.

Your son has priority, OP.

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EttiKetti · 29/07/2011 07:23

Please think hard about your future with this man. I've been in a relationship with someone who was very negative about my dc and it did take courage to leave after 6 years as a SP prior to meeting him, but the positive effect my leaving had on dc was immense. Men like this are pathetic, acting like a jealous child themselves. Now I'm with a "grown up", I can see how horrible ny ex was to my dc!

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Wecanfixit · 29/07/2011 08:16

He sounds selfish and it will upset your Child, especially as this seemed to be a special time you shared together, you have to speak up and tell him , stop turning telly off when your child is watching it how rude!, and get to his bed early so you can have the quality time you both need and deserve.