Just can't trust DH

[cluckingduck]

Pah - so fed up with this.

To cut a long story short, DH struck up an inappropriate friendship with an other woman 2 years ago whilst I was pg with DC2. It was inappropriate because he it was secretive and flirty. However, they didn't meet and there was nothing sexually explicit and it wasn't often (i saw the available emails, texts and his phone records when this came to light).

It may sound trivial but it almost ended our marriage. We had counselling (individually and together) and to be fair, I thought we'd dealt with it as things seemed to be going well. We agreed that if she contacted him again, he'd tell me and we'd deal with it together.

Well, she contacted him this week and he just deleted the email! He told me what it said but when I asked to see it, he told me he'd just deleted it. I'm furious as he was supposed to be re-building my trust in him and now he's acted like a twunt (again).

I've actually managed to recover it from his deleted items and he'd told me the truth about what it said but I'm so fecking hacked off. How on earth was I supposed to know whether he was telling the truth, or if he'd replied (he hadn't). He knows he needs to rebuild my trust in him but said he was worried about us arguing over it so just deleted it

I thought we'd dealt with all this

[cluckingduck]

x- post

I don't know if she does think they've crossed a line though. DH was adamant when this all came to light that she'd be oblivious to any improperity. I wasn't convinced then, and still aren't now. Even though I don't doubt they were flirting (and enjoying it), I think her thinking would be that it was harmless "office" banter, and that a line hadn't been crossed as there was no physical contact or declarations of feelings.

If she's thought about, she could guess why DH wasn't in contact for these past two years but I imagine she's just looking for a bit of an ego boost now for whatever reason and has remembered DH.

Don't get me wrong, I would love for him to tell her to fuck off but I can imagine it being a bit odd coming out of the blue like that

[cluckingduck]

Yes AF

[AnyFucker]

Sorry, love < squeeze >

Your husband doesn't deserve you. He is certainly a very lucky man. I hope he knows it.

[lazarusb]

Please don't sit around for 2 years waiting to see if this will happen again. Surely most people would realise that flirting with a mm is crossing a line?
AF is right - he is a very lucky man.

[cluckingduck]

I know I feel like a lost a lot of self-confidence when this happened and this is another kick in the teeth.

Maybe he could reply to the latest email with something along the lines of "I thought you would have got the message that I don't want any further contact with you". It's not just about the message she gets now, that'd be an important message for him to also give me.

When all this happened, I stressed time and time again that the thing that was rapidly becoming the dealbreaker for me was how badly DH handled it all. He just seems to have forgotten every (reasonable) thing I asked for

[lazarusb]

I think an e-mail saying exactly that would be perfect.
As for him handling it badly and forgetting what you asked for - that's very convenient for him. When Dh and my ex friend saw each other they would always say 'Hello' and I hated it. I know that sounds irrational but that's how it made me feel. Any contact beyond him telling her to get lost unequivocally is unacceptable.

[AnyFucker]

CD, I think this thread is helping you to find the solution for yourself

What you said in your last post sounds good

Have you considered showing him this thread ?

[AnyFucker]

I want to say something to you, CD

The way your husband behaved is no reflection on you ....it says something only about him

Don't you take any responsibility for it, and it shouldn't make you feel badly about yourself

he is the one who should be beating himself up about this, the emotionally-lazy and selfish sod

[cluckingduck]

Awww thanks ladies. It's been an eye opener.

Well, he's agreed to send an email as above but is talking about how he's going to email her first to ask her to re-send her original one so that I can see that he told the truth about what it said. Guess it's time for me to show the silly idiot how to recover deleted items!

Still pissed off though. This is the last time I'm putting up with anything less than 100% from him

[cluckingduck]

And lazarusb - I totally get the desire for your DH to be irrationally unpleasant to the OW when they meet - seems like just desserts!

[AnyFucker]

tell him to stop pissing about and just do it

btw, I do not think it at all unreasonable that you get to see any correspondence he has with her

that idea of his sounds peculiarly like a bit of a warning to her "watch out, CD is on the warpath"

he is being quite slippery, isn't he ?

why can't he just do as you ask ? Why is ther ealways an "if" or a "but" ?

[lazarusb]

Cd - I'd be happy if they would just ignore each other.
I still think he ought to send one final e-mail. Not engage in any further dialogue. As AF says, it sounds like he wants to give her a heads up

[cluckingduck]

don't worry - have said there is definitely no need to email her first. TBH, it didn't even cross my mind that it would be some sort of warning to her and am pretty sure that wasn't his intention (and I'm on high alert over this stuff!) And he is in no doubt that I expect to see everything

we're going to compose & send it tomorrow when things are a bit less emotional

[cluckingduck]

She doesn't know anything about me knowing of her IYSWIM - he just cut contact and offered no explanation so I think even if he did send an email first asking for the original to be re-sent, I don't think she'd take that as a heads up, if that makes any sense??!

Don't worry - it won't happen! Have access to emails etc and he'd not be stupid enough to try

[AnyFucker]

good luck, tell us how it went x

[HerHissyness]

You don't email someone to tell them to resend you an email, and then tell them not to contact you again... WTF?

You need to be clear with DH that her words to him are immaterial, it doesn't matter whether she is emailing him about the amount of rainfall we have had this year compared with this time last year, what matters is that she is emailing him at all!

He needs to word an email to say that he feels contact to be inappropriate and not something he wants her to continue.

I'd also suggest that he tells his office that she is emailing him inappropriately and that she needs blocking from his email address, his current address needs to be either changed or the website needs to quote a general [email protected] and not his email address.