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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

advice need re dp

31 replies

missy10 · 21/07/2011 19:57

I am in need some advice from any one my dp and i have long distance relationship and we see each other at least once a month (he lives 400 miles away ) my dd 5 is going in for an operation next friday and my dp was going to come down and stay for nearly 3 weeks . He has just phoned me and said that he has 2 go back 3 days after her operation as his ex has said he can have his daughter 3 for a week ( he hasnt seen her until 2day for nearly a year as his ex stopped contact ) i know i should be really pleased that he is seeing his daughter again but im sitting here in tears as i feel he is letting my dd and my ds 13 ( who has special needs down ) as he has broken a promise 2 them

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mumsamilitant · 21/07/2011 22:56

Gosh, wish i could word things like Riverboat! She summed it all up Missy x

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eslteacher · 21/07/2011 22:36

I totally sympathise. It must be really hard to see so your DP so infrequently, then to get so excited at the prospect of 3 whole weeks together, to look forward to it and imagine what you'll do together, only to have it all whipped away at the last minute. I'd be feeling exactly as you do, I'm sure.

It's clear that you know his DD has to come first and you're not about to try to convince him it shuld be otherwise. But unfortunately although you can rationally know that, and base your actions on that, it doesn't mean your emotions are going to be in tune with that. If only it was so easy as to say "I know that rationally I SHOULD be pleased that he gets to see DD so therefore I will feel pleased now and stop crying and feeling sad that I won't get to see him"...life would be so much easier!

I think the only thing to do is to keep telling yourself that you KNOW it is right that he spends time with his DD, and you have to base all your actions and what you say to your DP on that, even though your emotions might be telling you something different. And try not to spend too much time feeling sorry for yourself because it will just make it harder. Be brisk and try to distract yourself and get on with it. Sometimes as a stepparent I feel like at times I'm no longer the main character in my own life, if that makes any sense, which is a hard thing to accept. But if you love your DP which you obviously do, you will just have to do your best to be unselfish and make it all work.

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mumsamilitant · 21/07/2011 22:21

"from"

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mumsamilitant · 21/07/2011 22:20

Missy, sometimes you cant really bank on this. I know your kids must be young and I wanted the same at the time but guess what! they didnt really get on. So, just hang fire and stay where you are for the mo, let the wee girl come visit and take it form there.

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mumsamilitant · 21/07/2011 22:18

As for telling people off about their punctuation etc. When they have a problem, whether you agree with it or not!
you should be ashamed of yourselves!

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missy10 · 21/07/2011 22:08

yes i will do but it will take a while to sort out a move mum as i would need a council exchange . All i have wanted since we have been together is my dp 2 have a relationship with his daughter

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mumsamilitant · 21/07/2011 22:07

OH and by the way... No of course you dont sound horrible, its very understandable under the circumstances. Im the same!!!!!

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mumsamilitant · 21/07/2011 22:06

He needs to sort a few things out doent he? Im so glad your kids really like him. This is very positive. Just give it another few months for everything to calm down.

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mumsamilitant · 21/07/2011 22:03

I would however say more gently than some... Take your time sweetheart. Rome wasnt built in a day was it. Stay where you are and dont do anything yet. x

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missy10 · 21/07/2011 22:02

Yes mum but i dont want to say any thing negative to my dp as i know how much he has missed his dd . Like i said before my post makes makes me sounds awful and i didnt ,ean to make it sound that way honest , just very hormonal and worried about my dd but i love kids and would welcome his dd as my own as he knows , i just neede to vent and it came out all wrong

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missy10 · 21/07/2011 21:59

she my dp was looking at getting a job down here as he wants to be here for me and my kids , it would be easier for us to move up where he is as both my kids adore him and there is more help up where he is for my ds . My dp works for the nhs and he is disgusted with the lack of help that we get here

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mumsamilitant · 21/07/2011 21:58

Doesnt it make you want to spit at him at times because you know she's playing him and you get the crap! Then you have to remember there's a child involved and become a semi adult again!

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shesgotherlipstickon · 21/07/2011 21:53

I have also been looking in to moving myself this evening as well and i would do that in a heartbeat if it helps him

WHOA WHOA WHOA!!!

You have been with him a year, slow down, think of your children first, not what helps him. Like he is doing with his DD, rightly so.

You have 2 ds, one having an op, one at a very difficult age, hormones/schooling ESPECIALLY with SN. You are thinking about uprooting all of you in a heartbeat for him.

Sorry your priorities are all wrong, I'd be giving everything a wide berth and see how it goes until he has more stability, or the ground becomes clearer wrt his ex/dd.

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mumsamilitant · 21/07/2011 21:53

Oh sweetheart! him being so far away doesnt help does it, and very bad PMT... blimey, arent we similar, I have this too!!!! If it helps again, you did the right thing rather than scream at him. I SCREAMED last night to my DP! lol.... its very very frustrating isnt it!

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missy10 · 21/07/2011 21:45

Hi mum yes i know its not his dd fault and i want to do every thing i can to help and support my dp and i have been saying to him that he needs to sort out a way to see his dd. I think my inital post this evening is not helped by the fact that im worried about my dd op and very bad pmt ,i came on her to talk rather than say something to my dp that i would regret feeling the way i am

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mumsamilitant · 21/07/2011 21:42

Hi Missy... Im also in the middle of this sort of stuff, and I get a bit pissed off with it all. But at the end of the day, we have to take a great big gulp and know that its not the childs fault and he has to do right by that. Would you really want him if it was any other way? YES we say, but its not right is it?

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missy10 · 21/07/2011 21:35

I have also been looking in to moving myself this evening as well and i would do that in a heartbeat if it helps him

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Bogeyface · 21/07/2011 21:34

She could thisis but ime that is no guarantee that the ex will stick to it, and she sounds the type that wouldnt. An ex friend of my sisters did this which is why she became an ex friend. She played nice in court, made all the right noises and then when her ex came to pick up the kids they would be out, or she would cancel when he was already on his way etc. She even agreed to him having them for a week in the school holidays and when he arrived to collect them, having driven for 2 hours, he found out from a neighbour that they had gone on holiday for a fortnight.

Sadly, if she is determined to play silly bitches then a little thing like a court order wont stop her :(

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missy10 · 21/07/2011 21:33

He was about to go to court thisisyesterday and then she has decided that he can see is daughter , and yes i do know i am being selfish i just dont want his ex playing silly games like she has done before

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thisisyesterday · 21/07/2011 21:30

you know you're being unreasonable about the first thing

as for his ex playing games... that's something they need to sort out between the 2 of them.
if he wants a relationship with his daughter then moving 400 miles away to be with you isn't going to help either, so it's a difficult situation all round i think :(

he could go to court to get access to his daughter couldn't he? that way she can't go around playing silly beggars just to try and hurt him?

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Bogeyface · 21/07/2011 21:30

It does sound like she has only offered him access to his daughter because he is coming to see you for 3 weeks. I cant help wondering whether she would suddenly withdraw the offer if he said he had cancelled seeing you at all.

Sadly though, she is his dd and as hurt as I would be if it were me, I would accept it and wish him a nice time. I can totally understand why you feel as you do, as it does sound like sabotage on the part of his ex, but from your DPs pov, he must see his child when he can. She must come first.

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missy10 · 21/07/2011 21:30

thank you sing im sorry about the punctuation as i was posting on my phone . I want to do every thing i possibly can to help my dp build a relationship with his dd , but yes i am very very worried about his ex being difficult like she has done in the past . I will admit that i didn't make my first post as clear as i wanted it to . My dp and i do love easch other to bits and it both took us along time to decide to have a relationship as we had both been hurt in the past .

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Tortington · 21/07/2011 21:27

put yourself in his shoes - simples really

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thesunshinesbrightly · 21/07/2011 21:26

you are being selfish.

she is his daughter. Tough if you don't like it.

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SingOut · 21/07/2011 21:20

missy, I had exactly the same problem with my ex and his ex that you are having now. Sadly her machinations succeeded and she more or less managed to split us up by using the kids and childcare provision against him, because we hardly ever saw each other because of her obstructive and sabotaging attitude. He could have dealt with the situation different though and I wish he had stood up to her.

There's not much advice I can give, except you should watch carefully to see how your DP deals with this and any other situations. Otherwise, his ex has you both over a barrel and she knows it, and if she's the type she could make your lives hell. Tread carefully and watchfully.
Sadly this is one of the pitfalls of dating someone who has split up recently-ish and still not finalized custody arrangements - it means the situation is fluid, liable to change and any such change could bite you in the bum.

And yes, punctuation and line breaks are your friend, you will get more replies if you use these.