Sex question

[Oldflamesprobs]

Met an old flame again a few weeks back- been in touch and both of us are now on our own but live a long way from each other. In touch but taking it slowly. Known each other years and years but went our separate ways for 20 years.

Anyway, we did have sex but it was odd. He had a bit of willy wilt due to condoms- bit awkward fumbling etc. But it seemed more than that. Seemed to take a while for him to get it back IYSWIM.

We made light of it and it was okay. But in a phone chat a few days ago, he said that my behaviour had put him off his stroke. He doesn't like me saying what I like. This horrifies me in away and he's really not that sort of macho/selfish guy. He tried to explain that his erections are linked to what is going on in his head ( these are almost his exact words) and that he likes to "fantasise" or just enjoy what is going on- without me talking. I didn't say much- just bit more gentle here, up a bit there- during foreplay. He said he'd get to know what I liked by my reactions but didn't like me talking all the time so much at the start as it undermined his confidence, and he'd like a bit of praise. I am really shocked as most men don't mind a bit of instruction.

Is he a bit wobbly in the bed dept do you think, or was he just nervous and found my talking undermining?

[ShirleyKnot]

at come your clit off! Hahaha ah!

[SpringchickenGoldBrass]

Yuk, this is a man who thinks he is the World's Greatest Lover and if a woman doesn't instantly come her clit off then she is the one with the problem because his technique is perfect.
Don't bother with him again, it isn't worth the time, he basically doesn't see women as people. He probably doesn't, actually, really see other people as people, everyone else is just a backdrop to the wonderfulness of his specialness.

[buzzsore]

I agree, I mean, it doesn't sound like the OP was barking orders or criticising - asking him to be a bit more gentle, for example - what's the alternative, for her to lie there and put up with it? Ouchy.

[HerBeX]

Actually I don't get this thing that you can't tell someone what you like the first time you have sexual contact with them. Why not?

I had a second date once with someone who stuck his tongue all the way down my throat and just left it there or something, possibly sucking at the same time... I'm not quite sure, fuck knows what he was doing, I think he thought he was kissing, but it didn't feel like a kiss, it felt like a mountain of flesh had been pushed into my mouth and left there to die. It was so bad that I had a vision of the local newspaper headline saying: "Local woman tragically choked by tongue", which set me off giggling and then I had to stop myself in case he thought I was shaking in passion or something. The point is, he didn't ask me if I was OK with this or seek any feedback from me, so I declined a further date with him. I just got the message that he wasn't interested in what I felt and I wasn't going to risk a kiss like that again. Whereas if he'd made some move towards expressing interest in what I felt, I might have encouraged him to try again, er, more slowly, gently and exploratively, rather than attackingly. (He may just have been nervous or something and thinking he had to be uber assertive.) Up until that point, we had been getting on like a house on fire. Feedback may well be the difference between seeing someone again or not, so why do people think it's such a bad idea?

[MamaChoo]

I'm sorry but I don't know what's making me giggle more, the effrontery of telling someone to be quiet so you can fantasise (what, that you're shagging Kate Middleton?) or the petulance of demanding more "praise"!

Perhaps this one's best left in the 'old flames' box, because it doesn't sound like its burning very...well, hard.

[ilovedora27]

I think he is strange. I think even when you were younger there would have been no problem saying things like that to a man. I started doing it with men at 16 and have never met a man that had a problem with guidance. Its better to tell him what you like so you are always satisfied or it will cause resentment between the 2 of you. Its also good to start how you mean to go on.He doesnt seem worth it tbh.

[EricNorthmansMistress]

1. I think the first time you have sex is not the time to offer instruction guidance. I dumped a man for giving me blowjob tips during the first (and only) BJ I gave him. I was offended and felt undermined and inadequate. That does not make me feel sexy. If I had a hard on I would probably have lost it too.
   
   
2. His penis seems a little 'sensitive' - are you in love with him? Because if not, it's quite disappointing to have a sexual relationship with a man whose penis is shy. Callous - maybe. True - undoubtedly.
   
   
3. You used to have 'okay-ish sex' - not sure I'd bother going back for seconds
   
   
4. The fact that he doesn't want you to tell him what you like, and wants to magically deduce it from your responses is quite a big warning sign. It's a pretty immature attitude and doesn't bode well for good sex.

[HerBeX]

Do you really want to be this guy's blow up doll?

Your living, breathing, real presence, puts him off and makes him impotent?

Sounds like a catch.

Darling, there are millions of men out there with hard willies at the right time, who are able to take time off from their wank fantasies to have great sex with the women they are actually in bed with right now. He doesn't sound like one of them.

[JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar]

TSC you and me both.

Monty I get slightly riled when people tell me, uninvited, how to do my job let alone tell me what to do when I'm on the job!

[diddl]

The blaming you for his "willy wilt" is awful.

But the fanatsy thing-did he mistake you for his blow up doll??

[BalloonSlayer]

OK well my red flag the size of a bus is this bit:

"He tried to explain that his erections are linked to what is going on in his head ( these are almost his exact words) and that he likes to "fantasise" "

So you talking about making things good for you too was interrupting the fantasy in his head?

And he told you that?

Actually complained to you?

And you did not tell him to get back to his fantasies and wanking?

Pourquoi?

[buzzsore]

I think what he said on the phone sounds like he just wanted to concentrate on himself getting off instead of on mutual pleasure, and when you were actually there responding and not fitting his idea of how it would go, he couldn't cope with it. I reckon his talk about sex being about giving the partner pleasure was just that, talk.

[ImperialBlether]

I wonder whether he's been without a girlfriend and has come (sorry) to rely on masturbation. He's guiding the situation there, making it happen. You got in the way, from what I can tell; you stopped his fantasy being reality.

Maybe in his fantasy his partner isn't passive (so that's why he wasn't happy with his ex wife) - the problem is that because you don't know what his fantasy is, step by step so to speak, you can't possibly re-enact it.

I also wonder whether he's been relying on phone sex. It seems as though he can't cope when a woman's actually present.

I really dislike how he blames you. There are ways of saying, aren't there, and his telling you that he doesn't want to hear what you like (which is what it amounts to) should ring a long, loud alarm bell.

[schmarn]

It is a classic response from someone with problems sustaining an erection to blame their partner. It's a really bad sign and it will only get worse now that he has also made you self conscious.

Sorry, but I'm not sure why your self esteem is so low that you feel the need to put up with this particularly given that he is an ex and you know it isn't going to get any better.

[Monty27]

It would put me off (I am a female).

We all have our likes and dislikes, detailed instruction on the job is a dislike for me.

[Gay40]

I love a bit of instruction. (But I am not a man). People do not magically know what the other person likes. Yes, you can sort of figure it out from reactions, but even so.
He sounds like a weirdy fuckwit.

[TheFarSideOfFuck]

ta-daaaa

he sounds a bit inadequate to me

wife too passive, you too "demanding" ?

what does he want ?

he seems to want everything his own way, and then blames his soft willy on you

that is shit

< hands over ticket >

[GothAnneGeddes]

He sounds odd. There is expressing prefrences and blaming people. I'd get rid.

[Sariah]

I would be put of by someone telling me what to do. First time sex shouldnt be perfect. It takes time to get to know what someone likes. I am with dh 12 years and we are still finding out things that the other likes. I would prefer someone take the time and interest to experiment and find out what I like by touch and intuition. If he was still off after a few months then I might start guiding his hand or trying to introduce new things into the relationship. Most people are nervous at first and I can see who he would have found you directing him off putting, especially if he is sensitive.

[Oldflamesprobs]

Thinking on it- if the boot was on the other foot and the moment I had started touching him, he had started saying- no not like that, like this....I think I would have felt put off. It's hard to have a conversation about things like this by phone- so until we meet again- if we do- I guess I'll have to see the flags but give him the benefit of the doubt this once.

[Oldflamesprobs]

I can only think that he found the "instructions" a criticism, rather than trying to help us both.

Maybe it was because it was the first time. He seemed to be implying that he wanted to get carried away with the passion and I was slowing it or him down by doing my Golden Shot bit- right a bit, left a bit etc.

We'll see. In many ways he's a nice guy and I'll keep an open mind for a bit. I'm sure the next time will make it clear one way ot the other.

[JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar]

I hate men telling me what to do verbally - even gently. I don't know why, it just really puts me off. I don't think I have issues, though.

[SingOut]

Oh yes, and I once shagged a bloke who would give odd commands, tell me to relax, to 'just be' (hippy) and so on. We just had different styles of lovemaking, but I resented him imposing his on me, iyswim. But if he'd said 'I prefer it when you move your hand a little to the left' or 'down a bit, yep, that's perfect' I'd not have minded in the slightest. It's helpful to get feedback.

Someone effectively telling me to shut up because they will magically deduce from my body whether I am enjoying things would make we want to sit up in bed and slap them, shouting 'I'm telling you verbally you're crap in bed! How much clearer do you need?'.

[SingOut]

Sounds like he liked you back then BECAUSE you didn't feel able to say what you wanted/liked in bed. Now that you've found your confidence and poise he doesn't like it. Next!