Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

I want to leave my (disabled)husband... I think... confused

66 replies

MarySueFTW · 30/06/2011 13:42

sorry if this is all over the place, I've already started and deleted it a few times so i'm just going to get it out. I've been married for six years to a great guy. We have two small children. two years ago he fell out of a window at a party while drunk and broke his back. he will never walk again, 99% probably. He's still pretty independent tbh, there's loads he can stilll do and I stuck with him while he was really depressed but he's come to terms with it now. I feel so guilty, because its totally not his fault... but I don't want this life forever now. I want to take the kids and start over. theres someone i've become friendly with but who knows what will happen.. but i'd take the chance if things were different, like my husband had ever been a bad father or husband... but he hasn't. i still love him, but to be frank sex is non-existent now and i like sex! its been tough... oh i feel like shit again, i think you've got the picture, not sure what i want or need to hear, just respond if you like, cheers
x

OP posts:
headinamess · 30/06/2011 21:30

Wow, orchids, empathy?

Sex is massively important in a relationship. Massively. Anyone who says not is kidding themselves.

strawberryjelly · 30/06/2011 21:37

OP can i ask a personal thing here- can he simply not get an erection or does he not want sex and is unable?

I met a guy who invented a sex aid- called Mytenring- after he was disabled from the high chest area down, riding a motorbike and he is in a wheelchair.

He and his partner have done a Youtube video on his situation, the product and their sex life. It's very tasteful by the way. I'll see if i can find you the link.

IF you were able to have sex, would you then re consider staying with him?

strawberryjelly · 30/06/2011 21:39
here it is- Julie and Rob- lovely couple. product is now sold in Boots.
nomedoit · 30/06/2011 21:46

I raised the fact that the OP's husband was drunk because it was mentioned in the OP. Maybe it matters to the OP, maybe it doesn't.

Fizz, next time a drunk driver is in the dock having killed a child I would suggest they don't try the "everyone has been drunk once, the victim was just incredibly unlucky" defence.

That's fine for a teenager maybe. But an adult? It could matter to me depending on the circumstances if it took the accident out of the realms of pure accident and into the realms of recklessness. In the end, it wasn't anyone's fault but I think I would find it easier to deal with a pure accident than one which was preventable.

I think this isn't just about sex for the OP. It's about her life being wholly different to the life she signed up for. Would she have got married if she had known this was the outcome and therefore should she be held to it?

Orchidskeepdying · 30/06/2011 21:56

Sex is an important part of a relationship of course... but you need to be aware when you agree to marry some one that live changes, things happen.. terrible things and you need to be there for that person throughout.

Sex at this present time is irrelivent when your husband is coming to terms with NEVER WALKING AGAIN!!!

UnhappyLizzie · 30/06/2011 22:12

Orchids, I think your contributions are really unhelpful. OP hardly needs her husband's disabilities described to her by you. She lives with him and cares for him, so she knows.

Sounds to me as if OP has been there very much for her husband, helping him through his depression and adjustment after the accident. She's the one who's been in the supportive role. It's hardly surprising that she's struggling with getting used to the unwelcome new life they both have.

I wonder why on earth you this sex is not important or irrelevant, really.

UnhappyLizzie · 30/06/2011 22:13

think, not this in last sentence!

Original poster
MarySueFTW · 30/06/2011 22:14

Husband is incapable of sex, he has no feeling there. But there are still possibilities. I will try and explore this, as I realise his depression and low self esteem may be stopping him from exploring these. I am hopeful right now. I need to be.

OP posts:
UnlikelyAmazonian · 30/06/2011 22:27

I think you should get your anger out. It seems to me that you still love your husband but your are bloody angry and frustrated. Understandably. I would be. I still am. I feel like I have been left disabled useful to nobody.

Its so damn hard. Say to yourself: 'I am going to ask my lovely man if he fancies doing something incredible like www.skydivesensation.co.uk/disabled.htm

He must feel shit too. [[hugs]]

spudulika · 30/06/2011 23:01

This thread has chilled me - made me frightened of becoming ill or disabled Sad

FWIW - I think sex is important, but it's not THE MOST IMPORTANT thing in most people's marriages. Affection usually is, and shared interests, and mutual respect.

If these things have gone (for whatever reason) and can't be rekindled then there is no point in continuing in the relationship.

I really feel for the OP's husband. I imagine he'll be utterly devastated.

UnhappyLizzie · 30/06/2011 23:29

Having sympathy for OP and feeling very, very sorry for her husband aren't mutually exclusive.

His life has been profoundly changed but so has hers. The 'system', society etc focuses its sympathy, resources, support on the disabled person, of course. But OP's life has been shattered as well. It's not a question of taking sides. She and her husband love each other but they need to work through this as individuals as well as working through it as a couple.

Let's not give OP a hard time or think she is undeserving of some human sympathy just because she is 'lucky' enough to still be able to walk. None of us without her problems would want to be in her position. It's not just her role as a wife that has changed but her role as a mother too. Caring all the time for others is very wearing.

Btw, the skydiving looks great. There's another good site here:

www.apparelyzed.com/support/sport/xtreme_wheelchair_sports.html

These sites are inspiring, but OP's issues are not really about having exceptional experiences, it's about working out how to have a satisfying, ordinary life.

AnnieLobeseder · 30/06/2011 23:38

I think, OP, that you need to try to disassociate your true feeling about your DH from your sex life and his disability.

Now, I know that I'm not in your situation, so I can only suppose what I would do. But I cannot imagine wanting to leave my DH if he were in a wheelchair and could no longer perform penetrative sex. He has a very talented tongue! Wink

It is possible for you to have all kinds of other sex.

So sex aside. And wheelchair aside. Do you still love him?

If you do, I would urge you to try to make it work.

If you don't, I would urge you not to stay out of guilt. That's not fair on either of you.

UnlikelyAmazonian · 30/06/2011 23:40

Yes. Agree. But both op and her husband possibly need a lot more RL help and support to cope. How much help have you had op? Are you having to pay for counselling? Is your DH having some RL help on his own? Very very difficult situation. You could perhaps both do with a lot of rl physical affection and drawing together.

Well done for posting your anxieties op. You raise some very difficult, emotional and worthwhile questions which you are obviously addressing fully. Never forget to love yourself!

Eurostar · 30/06/2011 23:45

Feel very much for you in this difficult situation. I'm wondering how old your DC are as they need to be considered in this too. They could suffer incredible guilt if they are taken from their Dad and miss him and worry for him. When you talk about "taking the kids and starting over", is that a wish that it would all just change or is it a concrete plan?

Portofino · 30/06/2011 23:48

I'm with Annie on this one, There is more to life than sex, You have your realtionship and your children, Yes, it is hard and you need help with this. How would you see it if it was the other way round?

fizzfiend · 01/07/2011 01:01

stunned at orchid's response....wouldn't like to have her as a friend in times of need.

Also namedoit: everyone has been drunk once. Where does drunk driving come into this thread????

And OP I agree you are very brave to bring your issue up here. You are not selfish, you are human and your fears and feelings are valid. I hope you are getting some help from this thread.

amberlight · 01/07/2011 15:44

OP, I'm disabled. So's my dh. Different disabilities from the one your dh has, but I know how I'd feel if my DH decided to leave me and take our ds with him because I'm disabled. It would be devastating beyond words. I know that I always try to think of ways that we can be there for each other, and I always want to know if I'm getting it wrong so I can help put it right. Maybe your dh would feel that way too?

If there is a way to get some help to talk through your feelings, as some other posters have said, I'd say go for it. You say you still love him in your opening post. Don't throw that love away just now. As others have wisely said, there are many, many ways to enjoy closeness and sex between two people other than pure 'tab A goes into slot B' stuff.
There are also big changes in medical technology, and promising signs that people with spinal injuries may have a way to repair much of the damage in a few years, so this could just be a temporary situation in what would otherwise be a long and happy marriage.

Original poster
MarySueFTW · 01/07/2011 17:00

Thaks everyone, its all been very helpful xxx

OP posts:
PortPower1 · 08/01/2017 13:45

I know how you totally feel,I would love to get in touch with you so we have someone to talk to as we I'm in the same position as you.

Oddsockspissmeoff · 08/01/2017 14:03

I'm in a similar position to you Op. Unfortunately your friendship with this other man will be having a negative impact on how you see your husband.I would steer clear of him.

Redglitter · 08/01/2017 14:06

You do realise this thread is almost 6 years old?

Oddsockspissmeoff · 08/01/2017 14:08

Whoops

Fallonjamie · 08/01/2017 14:10

ZOMBIE THREAD

Scooby20 · 08/01/2017 14:12

I actually think the Op is being quite selfish. But suspecy its anger based.

She is talking to another man. How many people would be happy they became ill, lost their libido and their dh started chatting up other women?

Op you cant just up, take the kids and start over. You will always be connected.

I think you are scared and angry (understandbly) and on the verge of making a huge mistake with this other man. I think the fear and anger is making you want to run away and act in a way thats quite selfish. That doesnt make you a bad or selfish person though. You are struggling with life changing event's

calzone · 08/01/2017 14:12

Flipping heck.

This thread is ancient 😡😡😡

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.