ex worrying me, feeling upset (long)

[splishsplosh]

History - abusive ex, left him almost 2yrs ago to go to a refuge. Returned home last year with injunction & occupation order in place. Things worsened again, culminating with him breaking into house in middle of the night. Pleaded guilty, sentenced to drug programme, domestic abuse programme and on probation.

Almost immediately started texting / turned up at house - charged with harassment, has recently been found guilty and awaiting sentencing. He's still restricted by bail conditions, which he broke back in March (arrested, released) and then again yesterday by emailing me.

2 emails received yesterday and is just reams of nonsense - much of it detailing a relationship he thinks I have had, recalling conversations he overheard and things he completely seems to believe have happened - which simply haven't.

I feel upset at the things he's accusing me of, but more than that, am upset he is obviously brooding upon this, that he is... i don't know... deluded??? and also that he seems to have absolutely no regard for any legal restrictions, which doesn't bode well for the future. I feel like there's no end to this.

Sorry for such a long essay. Thanks for reading this far.

[splishsplosh]

well, mine is a psychotherapist so should also have some insight!
i know what you mean about not changing if not ready - even more, if they don't see anything wrong with their behaviour then how can they change? Occasionally he has admitted what he has done is wrong, but a few moments later he would say or do something to show that he doesn't really believe that.

thanks for the support - i really appreciate it

[follyfoot]

My XH was turned down for a domestic abuse programme as he didnt actually have any insight into what he had done (which considering he was an ex-policeman is quite astonishing really). Tbh I think courts insisting on people doing these things is a waste of time. People only change if they want to.

Well done for reporting him again, you should be proud of yourself. Have walked many a mile in your shoes and know how awful it is. You take care of yourself and your children

[HerHissyness]

He can do a degree in domestic abuser programmes - he's only going cos the court is making him. he doesn't think he's done anything wrong.

I wish the justice system took people like this seriously. He is literally NOT SAFE to be allowed out in public! He is a danger to every woman he meets!

he may not be a "rapist" or a murderer, but he thinks he is entitled to sex on demand and won't stop until he gets it, he would potentially place someone's life at risk out of his own entitlements.

He will not stop. he doesn't see why he should.

Keep reporting him, hope that the system will keep him, but please, you know you need to vanish from his life, please look into doing that legally?

don't ever give up until you are free of him. he IS a monster.

[splishsplosh]

Thank you! I know that the only possibility of him stopping his behaviour is to report him for everything, making sure he faces consequences for continuing his abuse, and hope he gets sick of it... it has helped... he's had the bail conditions since January and he's at least only broken them by emailing.

But his emails clearly show he doesn't think he's done anything wrong - is just result of frustration over my behaviour and me "treating him like shit" for 2years... by leaving him I suppose. In his head everything is my fault, and he is the poor victim in all this. It's so far from reality. If he's attending the domestic abuse programme he was sent on by the court, he's not learning much!

Even if he ends up with a custodial sentence - it'll just be something else to blame me for...

[HerHissyness]

splishsplosh, well done, you have been so brave and done the right thing.

Fathers day huh? I heard that about the World Cup too... wt?

[splishsplosh]

Well, made my statement today, and so they will arrest him - they have 2 addresses, or can find him at probation appointment, which is how they tracked him down last time. They will recommend he's kept in custody, as they have done previously, and said it is more likely to be taken seriously as he has been found guilty already.

Depressingly the policeman said how busy they get on father's day.

About child contact - it's not that I'm that keen, just realistic - from all I've heard the courts rarely support no contact unless the child has been very badly treated. But I really hope it would be at a contact centre, so that I don't have any contact with him.

[HerHissyness]

ah didn't see the not turning up since january, but still you are living at the mercy of a guy who has no respect for you OR for authority.

This guy feels entitled to terrorise you whenever he likes and nothing and no-one will stop him.

Now he is emailing you ranting incoherent nonsense, what if you don't respond, what if he DID decide he needed to have it out with you. What IF he decides to pop round in the middle of the night? or heaven forbid on a weekend when the police are busy dealing with drunks? what then?

Why on earth would you WANT your DC to have any contact with a man as clearly dangerous as this, both to you and to them?

He gave up all rights to being treated as a normal human being when he stopped behaving like one.

I know you don't want to move, no-one would, but the way I see it, you are in danger, and there are not enough adequate safety guards in place to protect you.

If I were you, I'd investigate legally your ability to vanish from this man's life. Your DC are not going to learn anything of value from him, apart from if they look at his life as a cautionary tale.

For the very reasons you state, the courts releasing him the next day, the police not knowing where he is, I would say that the BEST and only option open to you is to move where he can't find you.

I'm sorry I don't mean to be harsh, I'm trying to help, believe it or not I just don't understand why you would not want to be safe, why you hang onto your DC and by default, you, having contact with him.

ONE decent parent supplying the love, security, feeling wanted and safe is better than one parent living in fear and the other one causing it.

Ask yourself this question What's in it FOR ME? An abuse victim/survivor never puts themselves first, and this is the chink in our armour, this is what lets abusers in.

Please put yourself first, please don't stop until this man is well and truly away from you and can't ever find you again. Your kids will understand.

[ineedabodytransplant]

work for..

is an id card...

[ineedabodytransplant]

splishsplash,

I am not selling anything but the company I work are in security and one item we supply for a lot of lone workers with an ID card holder with a 3g sim in. People doing home visits who may face abusive situations, another is a large chain where maybe only one member of staff is in the sales area. If the wearer has a problem they just press a button and a response is made. Could you speak to sanctuary to see if something similar is available?

[CarnivalBizarre]

Splish - re:- access, if your ex has a police record of violence and/or abuse, the courts will only grant him supervised access which would most likely take place at a contact centre or with a responsible member of your family

I accommodated access for my sisters ex until he became abusive to me and then the courts intervened and restricted contact to a centre with trained proffessionals

Going to bed now but will be thinking about other things you can put in place to safegaurd you and your DD

Take care lovey

[splishsplosh]

sorry left 2 yrs ago, not 3

[splishsplosh]

herhissyness - maybe i'm being defensive, but that feels a bit unfair... he actually hasn't turned up in person since january, so have had a fair reason to think maybe we could move on with our lives...

i'm not worried about school as such - but i put up with a miserable life til we left 3 years ago, i spent a whole year in a refuge... we have finally been able to live an almost normal life, to make friends, to have people round, to have consistency ... i am so tired of it all.. i don't want to have to move again, and start all over again.. although i will if i have to...

and leaving a message for the policeman - well, last time it took them about a week to arrest him, i don't think he has provided them with a home address. and anyway he would probably just be released the next day by the court.

i'm tired, and depressed and just so so so fed up of all this. even if we did move and start again elsewhere - what about his right to see the kids? i don't think the courts deny fathers that right very often, and the children are too young to get any say in the matter

[CarnivalBizarre]

Great that you have implemented security measures Splish, would it be worth asking if the sanctuary scheme could fit a landline for emergency use only? Just a thought and they may well say no but its worth a shot - the bloke sounds like he is suffering from paranoid delusions and is likely to stop at nothing to make your life hell.

I urged my sister to take out the injunction after hearing some of her X's rants on the phone where he threatened to throw acid in her face, cut her head off, rape her in front of her children etc ...... lovely bloke

She was entitled to legal aid and it was quite a simple procedure. She had to swear an affidavit at 2 separate solicitors and the paperwork was then presented at court in her absence then the injunction was drawn up and I had the greatest pleasure in serving the injunctin to the tosspot myself :)

He has finally got the message - I hope!!

Good luck OP, nobody deserves to live in fear and I really hope you get things sorted x

[HerHissyness]

OK, so this guy has no respect, nor regard for your home/safety or that of his daughter.

He has no respect for the law, at all.

Sorry love, but please? what the hell are you still doing there?

You and your daughter could end up seriously hurt or worse, and you worry about school? 2 women a WEEK are killed by their partners.

You are in the abusive fog still, caught like a rabbit in the headlights. Take back your life, MOVE HOUSE and get injunctions to ensure that he never, ever finds you or your daughter again.

You are living like a prisoner in your own home, at risk of attack, or worse. This is not the time to worry about exam results.

It doesn't matter a jot why he is doing what he is doing, he is clearly dangerous and now unhinged. You don't have a home phone line to have a panic alarm and you have left a message for a case worker.

FGS woman, this is serious, you need to act to get yourself and your DD to safety and stay there.

[splishsplosh]

yes, after he broke into the house last october, extra security was provided by the sanctuary scheme - so I have window locks on all the windows, they fitted a solid door, and there are grills over the windows beside the door, where he got through. I don't have a landline so they can't put a panic alarm in, apparently. But my address is flagged up so that there will be a fast response if i call 999. Oh and i do have a safety officer because he's on probation. The police are hoping the court will put a restraining order into place when he is sentenced, but if he ignores injunctions and bail conditions, I don't have much faith he'll take any notice even if it is granted.

Yes Ilovetiffany - he is still manipulating and controlling any way he can... and i am sure he will always try and do so, through child access if no other way open to him. I'm just so upset that it is still going on after all this time.

[staggerlee]

I wouldn't want to get into diagnosing anyone via a forum as I know its totally inappropriate- but some people develop morbid/delusional jealousy which can involve irrational interpretations of innocent situations. It could also be connected to drug use/paranoia

The most important thing is to call the police tomorrow and let them deal with the situation.

[follyfoot]

So sorry this is happening to you. I've been where you are. The police response simply isnt good enough, things need to be ramped up a fair bit. Surely if he is in breach of his bail conditions, he should be arrested? Dont wait for a phone call from this officer, ring the police station and ask to be put through to the control room. Tell them what you have told us.

Have the police helped you by doing some sort of security assessment of your home or suggested panic alarms? I dont want to upset you any more than you already are, but I dont like the sound of his behaviour at all, sorry. Am afraid its not about changing email addresses or phone numbers, you may need to take more action than that to look after yourself and your family.

Have thought long and hard about posting this, but what is happening to you is ringing extremely loud alarm bells, particularly his total disregard for the legal system.

All the very best to you.

[GypsyMoth]

i thought you might say that op,i know the feeling
so,he's still abusing and controlling you,albeit from afar

[CarnivalBizarre]

Splish this must be terribly worrying for you! My sister had a very similar situation with her XH, his behaviour was utterly bizarre!

Are you in contact with a family protection officer through the police? They were a great help to my sister, they installed cctv, window and door locks and gave her a great deal of support and advice

She ended up taking out an injunction with power of arrest, that is the only thing that stopped him from harrassing her

Hope things improve for you soon

[FabbyChic]

He sounds mentally unstable. Don't read his emails change your email address and certainly do not reply. Ignore the man.

[splishsplosh]

I changed my phone number ages ago. Yes could change my email, but my only worry is that he will then move into turning up in person which would be far worse.

[splishsplosh]

I did call the community safety unit today, and left a message for the policeman who was dealing with the case, but didnt get a call back, so will call again tomorrow.

Moving - would have to sell the house, so would take time, plus don't really want to... dd1 happy at school, she's already had so much upheaval in her short life... and even if we did move, he will no doubt want to see the kids, and access will be another way of him creating issues.

I don't know about his mental health - to me it seems very odd that he is talking about conversations that simply never happened. Plus he gets fixed ideas, for example is absolutely certain that this man he is obsessed about came to put smoke alarms in for me, when in fact it was the london fire brigade. yet he remains convinced. He has had a drug problem, and I know they could leave him feeling paranoid when under the influence - and wonder if this is in any way connected. But to anyone else, his emails would sound rational - it's just I know none of it is true.

[GypsyMoth]

change both phone number and email address. its the only way to stop him

[staggerlee]

Splishsplosh-have you called the police to let them know hes broken his bail conditions?

You really need to let them know. If they arrest him they can also arrange for his mental health to be assessed if thats a concern (as you imply in your post). I'm a mental health social worker and regularly assess people in police custody.

Your situation sounds awful and I really feel for you.

[malinkey]

You poor thing, sounds very worrying. Could you move? I know it's not fair and it's probably not what you want but maybe getting away from him without him not knowing where you've gone might be the best answer?