Should I leave now?

[timefliesby]

I got pregnant 8 months into a relationship just as we had agreed to move in together but not discussed marriage, children etc in any great depth. We went ahead and had the baby. 8 months afterwards, I got pregnant again, having had sex twice that month and still not got my periods back regularly from breastfeeding. I did take a morning-after-pill on the one time we didn't use anything and it didn't work. None of that matters now because I adore my children and so does my partner. However we have also moved house three times in that time and our fledgling relationship has taken a battering.

Both of us come from separated families and we really don't want to do that to our children but we keep coming back to the same old arguments. He is emotionally very closed and I am the opposite. He has never said he loves me except once in a card. I would like to be married, I am still waiting a proposal 4 years on and 2 kids down. More worryingly, every six months, we have a massive argument where he says I am not an equal partner, I don't do as much as him, earn as much etc. I have always been a motivated person, I have become self-employed since having my first baby and have brought home several thousand pounds. I do the lion share of shopping housework cooking and childcare but it never seems enough. He says I am not supportive of his latest venture and in some ways this is true, he didn't get my agreement, he just went ahead around the time I was giving birth and we had to move house miles from my friends. I do support him in that I am now doing some work for this venture but he complains that I don't seem sure it's a good idea. I have 6 hrs guaranteed childcare a week for one child. The rest is whatever his family can help with so I don't have masses of time.

He has bordered on cruel at times, he threatened to kick me out when I was pregnant with my second child because I had to pop into work on a Sunday. He went mad about me using his car to go into work when I should be with family and threatened to throw me out. Other things he says are
The house only needs an hour a day - its not that hard
I sit and let the kids watch cbeebies all morning (only whilst I eat my breakfast)
May as well break up with me now than in two years and let me have half his money
I wouldn't earn enough to justify working more (when I offered to work full time)
He wants me to support him more
Not an equal partnership he does more etc
I have time off the kids when I'm breastfeeding my 2nd child.
He also said my respective 4 day and 24hr labours (the first one very traumatic) were nothing he couldn't have done

He is a good father and he does help around the house. I know that I can be a tired moody bitch at times. I'm not perfect either ey? But I am so sad and just don't know if we can ever make this work, he won't see a counsellor. Am I barking up the wrong tree? Should I just cut my losses? Thanks for your help.

[LizaTarbucksAuntie]

Morning, I hope you have worked out how/when to talk to your Mum.

I wish I'd spoken to someone sooner, I could have got out of my situation with less heartache tears and expense, but I was more scared of admitting my marriage had failed and I was in a relationship with a man who hit me (after all I'm supposed to be a fiesty, intelligent, strong woman right?) than I was of letting him carry on treating me like I was worthless.

It's taken me a lot longer to forgive myself for not leaving him sooner than it did to get out and get sorted. By the way, littlemad and I didn't look back, and I've never for a second regretted leaving.

Good luck with the decisions you need to make.

[fastweb]

because I feel kind of like I've failed

You haven't failed love, relationships are not an exam.

They are more like plants, they sprout, live and then die. You can feed them, water them, prune them to the highest standards in order to make them fabulous specimens, free from flaws, with the longest life possible, but if the co-gardener is spraying them with Round Up at 2 in the morning behind your back, there is bugger all you can do to avoid an early demise. It gets to a point where you have to abandon the plant for the sake of the seeds not falling on poisoned ground.

Please call you mum and tell her the lot. Ask for a loan, tell her why.

It will be a huge step towards something better love, because you'll be tearing away your greatest handicap, your isolation.

Look at your babies and try to immagine what it would feel like if they felt like you did right now, yet didn't come to you for help. The best chance you have of them never doing that is leading by example, and sharing with them when they are older how much more sense it made for you to chose to turn to your mum rather than struggle alone.

((((((((big fat hug)))))))))))), will your mum still be up now and is it a safe time to call ?

[Saffysmum]

So agree with AF - you need your mum, tell her everything, and get her help. I'd hate to think in a few years time, that my girls didn't turn to me if they were in your horrible situation. Please - talk to your mum.

[HerHissyness]

Hooray, I feel better for you already! that book will transform the way you think.

[timefliesby]

HerHissyness I actually bought that today from reading other threads. Thank you. I've bought "Babyproofing your marriage" too. Not that we are married but you know in case there are things I can still do.

[AnyFucker]

please, please speak to your mum and tell her everything

every time you add some more information, I feel sicker and sicker

[HerHissyness]

Love, you didn't fail. If you read Why Does He Do That, by Lundy Bancroft, you will see why you didn't fail. You were set up to never be able to win.

All that can only change when you realise that actually you DO have a choice and you CAN and WILL get out.

[timefliesby]

fastweb I could probably get help with solicitor costs from my mum. She was very reluctant to put any money into his development & they fell out over it but I think she might have seen the writing on the wall. I think she'd help with solicitor costs. I don't have any ready cash because I transfer it to him to help with the bills. I have about £1500 in my bank but he knows exactly how much I have in the bank and he comments when I even buy a moisturiser or clothes as we don't have much free cash at the moment because of this project, so if I spent it, he'd know. Mum doesn't really know the full extent because I feel kind of like I've failed and I don't want to admit it.

[tallwivglasses]

Jesus, what does he want from you? Blood?

Another one raging on your behalf here - but listen to the practical advice, it's excellent.

[eslteacher]

He sounds horrible. Your children wouldn't be happy growing up seeing their mum be spoken to like this and treated like this by their father. He may be a good dad in many ways, but belittling his childrens' mother in this manner, and having so little appreciation for the value of your role is just...awful, horrible and not being a good dad.

Good luck getting things sorted out so you can leave, I really hope everything works out for you. xx

[Mouseface]

You should get half an hour free with a solicitor. I think most do this.

Ideally, you need one who specialises in family law.

[LizaTarbucksAuntie]

He's done such a number on your self esteem there lovely, you have 2 children (well 3 if you count him) you can pretty much cope with anything. Go and see citizens advice, you might well be surprised at what help is out there, also how's your r/l network have you talked to any friends about it? (I only ask because it wasn't until I started speaking to people that I realised how wrong my situation was......

[fastweb]

I had thought I should probably go and talk to Citizens Advice or something

Is there is any way you can beg, borrow or steal the money and head straight for a solicitor ? If not then yes, go to CAB and the bank to sort out the papers that will protect your investment.

You are going to be OK love. Very few women sit where you are now and don't worry as to where they will go and what will become of them. Yet they all come out of the wash. Taking care of the practicals gives you the best chance of making sure you come out the other side as unscathed as possible in practical terms if it does come to an end.

If it doesn't, you will have an advantage over the majority of mums because you won't have to worry about "what ifs", cos you will have a ready made road map of how to navigate the worst of times, and can just relax a bit and enjoy the better parts of the relationship.

[Mouseface]

time

What a horribly sad story

I think you know what you have to do.

You need to talk to a solicitor.

You need to pack his bags or yours.

You need to walk away from this.

You owe it to yourself and your children.

[fastweb]

I don't know whether of not this had effect


My husband's mother is mentally ill *, it can and does have an impact on children growing up in that situation, not least because DH has no real idea of what "normal" looks like, so he is slower than I to note dysfunction and leap into a proactive self defense.

I'm glad there is a trace from the accounts. I'd recommend a call to your bank in the morning, no matter how bad you feel, no matter how overwhelmed you feel, no matter how it smacks of making a decision you are not ready for yet. Don't feel it is you dropping the hammer on your marriage, it is just the practicals you are taking care of on the basis of a hypothetical.

It's no different from making sure there is Calpol in the house "just in case" of a fever at 2am. Well sort of, just play it down in your head while you do it and it becomes a lot easier to do.

Deep breath, deal with the paperwork, let sleeping dogs lie about what to do about the relationships while you get on with something more concrete and less elusive to pin down. You might find that you effortlessly came to a conclusion about the love side, while you were distracted with the nuts and bolts of the unromantic aspects. He might even notice you detaching in your focus on you rather than him, stop feeling so cocky about the power imbalance, feel ashamed and come to his senses. You never know. Don't bank on it, but don't avoid doing what needs to be done because you feel it is you marking the end of your story together, because that is not what this is about.

Big fat hug love, wouldn't wish this on anybody.

*You know the longer I post here I realize what a horrible disaster me and mine look like, we appear to have managed to include just about every family defect or disaster available, I promise I am very "normal and boring", when you discount a distressingly high number of people attached to my husband and I by accident of birth

[HerHissyness]

get some advice, find out the answers to your 'what if's' and then you will know what you are really looking at.

You will survive. You can at the very least put a charge on that development for half the proceeds I would imagine, to make sure that when he sells it, you get paid out.

CAB is a great call.

Good luck!

[AnyFucker]

sweetheart, get some impartial advice

[timefliesby]

fastweb I'm listening, I had thought I should probably go and talk to Citizens Advice or something, because every time I think about leaving I just think where will I go and how will I survive? I needed to hear someone else say it. I'm too uncomfortable discussing these things with friends for some reason.

[fastweb]

"calm, rational and practical"


If I typed my emotion in there, it would be littered with capitals and rather incoherent.

I know hard it is to do what I am suggesting, inertia is often a symptom of the emotional confusion she is probably feeling. But I also know the cost of her not believing it is the current priority.

Hearing outrage is good, I think the only thing that got me through sorting out my mother's situation was the outrage of my friends who couldn't quite believe what some people were capable of doing. And it was a fabulous neutralizer against those who tried to dissuade me from practical action because they were concerned I might just succeed in avoiding mum losing out. Again.

[timefliesby]

fastweb Yes it is traceable from my account to his.
LisaTarbucksAuntie - he is doing his development for the security of his children, he isn't just a childminder, he's very hands on but I realise it's not enough to be a good father alone and that I need a good partner
Waterrat - my parents are very loving but they broke up when I was 2. My mum then went out with someone who was mentally ill for all of my childhood. I don't know whether of not this had effect although I guess I'm used to instability. I kind of thought my partner would just get around to saying it when he was ready and by the time I realised he wouldn't I had a child to look after.

[AnyFucker]

I suggest you see a solicitor quicksmart and get your financial situation down in black and white

when you have to leave this man (and you will, sooner if not later) he will con you and leave you and your children short of money that is rightfully yours

I am so sorry, you have picked a defective one, this is not a good man nor a good father

[LizaTarbucksAuntie]

Fastweb. well done for being all calm, rational and practical about this. I'm sure you're a good deal more use than my outrage is