It's all just getting to much.

[fortyfairy]

I posted on here twice you may remember but if not short re cap.
Married for 23 years with two boys 15 and 21. Last September DH told me he had been having an affair for 8 months. I wanted to give our marriage a chance and said I would give him another chance. I waited 6 weeks for him to make up his mind (yes stupid I know) and he chose her. I got over Christmas and felt by February I was turning a corner. Going days without crying and even able to listen to music again. Then out of the blue I got an E-mail from him asking to give things another go how he still loved us all and realised what a terrible mistake he had made (everything was fine with OW ) I thought about it for a month and said yes but he would have to move somewhere neutral and make his return gradual going out together coming round for tea etc...... this is what the kids wanted too a gradual return.

Anyway 10 days into it on Mothers Day April 3th I found a chat e mail between him and her they had slept together and were telling each other how much they loved each other. I read it and threw up.
I met him a week later and told him he had blew it big time and I wouldn't have him back.
I hate myself because I miss him so much and still love him very much. I'm so lonely spending night after night in front of the TV. Don't have many friends and of those I do have have been good to me since September when it all started. I now feel like the miserable friend who goes on all the time about her dh. When I do go out all I want is to get back home. Everything seems worse this time so miserable and dyeing inside. My boys are wonderful the eldest is at uni and was going to move out last October but he said "mum I will stay my brother has lost his Dad he doesn't need to loose his brother too" how amazing is that. They both wont have anything to do with their Dad. I have never felt this unhappy ever in my life. It seems to be getting worse with time not better.

[fortyfairy]

Thanks LifeMovesOn have considered counselling but like you I feel I have to do it on my own. Thanks for the advice sitting on here for hours looking for a thread like mine. xx

BornInAfrica thanks too agree about crying it out just feel stupid when it happens in the middle of Tesco and your right it is so exhausting.xx

My eldest is going travelling in a few weeks for 3 months dreading it but also keeping happy and excited for him that's hard work too.

[BornInAfrica]

I think you're dealing with an impossibly painful situation really well. All the above advice is excellent and will get you back to you. I'd like to add that although the crying might really take it out of you I truly believe you have to 'cry it out' - it's nature's way of helping you deal with so much pain. Cry, cry and cry some more - it will stop and when it does you'll be able to start moving on.

[LifeMovesOn]

Hello sweetheart - I feel your pain, I was in this position. My (D)H had an affair which was only put on hold when the OWs partner found out. Cut a long story short, I took him back because I thought I loved him more than life. Discovered they were still at it and she was the love of his life. Strange that when I kicked him out she also kicked him in to touch. Different to your situation I know, but the hurt is the same. Especially as two weeks after she gave him the heaveho, he'd moved on to his sister's best friend.

I am now in a position, 18 months on, where my life is so much better, I've changed so many things - the house, my job, my outlook - and more importantly I've even rediscovered the old me! That was the turning point - believing in myself.

My 18yo DC is now only barely on talking terms with him. His family have mostly shunned me (they can't deal with the hurt apparently - laughable!) and for a while they ignored my DD - absolutely unforgivable in my book). She hates him, says he embarrasses her and I don't know whether she will ever look up to him again. I detest him because of all the hurt he's caused her - but he is the one who is mising out. His girlfriend has three kids (one same age as DD) so he lives his life through them. Bloody good riddance.

There is no easy answer - all the counselling in the world didn't help me, I had to do it on my own.

Just want to give you a huge hug - and please don't take him back, he will destroy you all over again.

Take care
Annie xx

[fortyfairy]

Some days I cry all day then others I feel I could never cry again. All I seem to do is dwell on the past and think about what has been and how if I see her I could happily gouge her eyes out. Not excusing him but she knew he was married with children how could she.

[fortyfairy]

Just worried if he asked to come back again what I would say. Hope I'm strong enough to say no cause at the moment I just don't know.

[oldwomaninashoe]

I feel for you the exact same thing happened to my friend, her DH wanted to try again but she soon found out that he was involved still with the other woman.

I won't lie, it was terribly tough for her but she made a new and fulfilling life for herself once she worked out that by being unhappy and lonely she was in effect letting him still dominate her life!

You will get there. Make a huge effort and join some local activities as suggested in a previous post.

Be prepared for the possibility for him to ask to come back again, if his relationship with the OW runs into problems!

Good luck x

[fortyfairy]

Thanks for all the lovely words so great to think people can take the time out in there lives to offer support to somebody they don't know. In tears now and yes thanks I will have that hug xx

[Snuppeline]

So sorry to hear how badly you and your boys have been treated by their father. They sound lovely and so do you. I can't imagine how hard it must be to be treated so poorly, repeatedly, by someone that close to you. I would expect your reaction now is probably worse than it was originally as you thought you had reached an agreement with your dh and he then went behind your back again. You've got every right to feel very upse. Take your time healing.

Right now you might not want to do much but try thinking about what makes you happy? Do you have a hobby or interest? Maybe you had one but gave it up when the boys were little. Even something so simple as joining a book club will get you out of the house and socialising which in turn will help you relieve the pressure of loneliness and depression. Keep it in mind.

Like the others have said, take things slowly and look into councelling. Big hug from me too.

[lilysmum69]

You are doing fantastic job, and you have really given your ex a good chance. He has blown it, and I cant imagine how hurt you must feel, but you have done your best.

Your boys sound amazing and full credit to you. I think you need some time. Give yourself as much as you can, and some space for your new life to develop as I am sure it will.

I dont know if you need a hug, but I send one anyway.

[overmydeadbody]

You poor thing, I really feel for you and send you my sympathies, of course you are struggling.

I don't know what to say to help, apart from it is still very very early days, be kind to yourself, let yourself mourn the loss of what you thought you had, it will take time to heal and feel normal again.

Could you go to some sort of councelling? Make some big changes to your life that are your choice? Take up an evening course? Perhaps do something to change the monotany?

[Flippingebay]

I don't really have any advice but just to say that I'm sat here feeling for you, I really do..

It sounds as though you've been amazing anyway, coping with it all and having the bravery to give it another go, and to quit when it needed that too..

Hang in there, it will get easier and sounds like you've got two boys you can be very proud of!