I think I've finally broken

[ShinyRedShoes]

I've had alot to deal with over the last 5 yrs or so...DH and I have been together for over 10 years, when DC1 was born I was over the moon and just couldn't be happier. Then it all came crashing down..

DH lost his driving licence for drink driving. He did stop drinking for a long time but started again and has had a prob with binge drinking. After alot of pressure from me, he has tried very hard to control it.

After DC2 came along he became obsessed with a hobby. TBH I feel like he's conned me into a relationship as he wasn't obsessed when we first got together (for at least 5 yrs). It all started at a point when we already had enough on our plates. I honestly wouldn't have entered into a relationship with him if I had known, and had always avoided relationships with people obsessed with football etc.

Next came the porn usage, which apparently he'd been hiding from me for years but for some reason suddenly decided it was time to make it more obvious, e.g. leaving a phone on the bed with a porn vid on, pics on the computer, internet history, etc. Like with the drinking it has now stopped but I just can't get over that it happened in the first place.

To top it all, I had an unplanned pregnancy which ended in a very early miscarriage, which was definately a good thing given the state of our relationship but at the same time I'm utterly devastated. DH's way of dealing with it was lok go downstairs and look at porn while I was in bed sobbing myself to sleep.

Mentally, I'm completely shattered. I am now completely at my wits and and think I'm seriously loosing it. The house is a mess and has been for months, I have difficulty organising general things like shopping, washing, getting the kids to school on time. I was self-employed but gave that up after the MC. I have a couple of temp part time jobs but TBH with the main one I think I should leave as I'm not doing the job properly and with the other thing I am due to miss a deadline. My self-confidence at work and is general is at rock bottom. Before all this happened I had a successful career and easily managed working and juggling everything when DC1 was small. I also think I've started to distance myself from friends and avoided making new ones as I find it hard to be around people who are happy and have a good relationship.

I was brought up in a single parent household and would NEVER have had children if I thought this would happen. I don't want to leave but I just can't live with it anymore and think I have to but am worried about how I'll cope given the state of my mental health now. I know I need to go to the GP and I do need medication (again something I really don't want to do but I don't see any other option).

WTF has happened to me? I am so worried both for mysalf and my poor poor DCs.

[garlicbutter]

Fabby.

There's clinical depression, which may well be triggered by extended stress and/or horrid life events, and there's feeling depressed because life is shit such that anybody would be depressed!

I wholeheartedly agree with you, though, that the crucial thing is to start putting oneself FIRST, and properly, so as to avoid spiralling into a major stressed/depressed syndrome.

OP: You will not be rocking in that corner, because your life from now on is all about YOU :) Right?

[FabbyChic]

She shows lots of signs showing depression, the lack of social interaction, the not wanting to do the things she done before, cutting herself off from everything are all signs of depression. Not being able to concentrate etc.,

I'd say the statistics re porn are 80% of men at least. But will try to stop generalising!

[JustaNickname]

I really really feel for you :(

My ex P and I have a ds together. Ex P also has a problem with binge drinking and has been banned from driving because he was caught drink driving.

My parents are also not together and although I get on well with both my parents and had a happy childhood I really wanted my ds to grow up in a house with both his mum and dad.

I really do know what you going through and I'm so sorry you feel shattered :(
You sound like a wonderful mother who just wants the best for her DC's. I suggest you do visit the doctor like you said. I know you have probably already done this but please sit down with your DH and tell him EVERYTHING. Maybe even show him your post when you feel up to it.

If you really think leaving is the best thing for both you and your DC's do you have any family or friends nearby that would help?

[garlicbutter]

You know, all men use porn simply isn't true.
I tend to feel a person who moves from one addictive behaviour to another has got deeper and more immovable issues than ordinary life changes: he's going from one total-immersion thing to another, almost randomly.
It's not the OP who's got the disassociation problem, imo.

Not disagreeing with everything you've written on this thread, Fabby, but I wish you'd steer clear of definitive diagnoses like "You're clearly suffering from deep depression" and meaningless generalisations about "all men".

[FabbyChic]

Your depressed and clearly suffering from deep depression, the disassociating yourself from friends is a clear sign.

All men from time to time look at porn its natural, but for some women they clearly don't like it at all.

He gave up drinking which is a very hard thing to do, in place of that he took up a hobby, thats a good thing albeit not to the exclusion of you.

He clearly finds it hard to talk to you, and maybe some Relate counselling will help you both find what it was that attracted you to him to start with.

People grow and change in relationships and they never stay the same, sometimes the changes force you apart because you cannot live with the changes.

You either need to pull together to become a family unit again or decide that being on your own is the better way to be.

I cut myself off from society for 7 years, stopped working, not made one friend since moved here, after all that time I now feel able to get back out there again, you can do that too, but it takes time and baby steps. One step at a time, slowly, slowly.

You can get back on track, help yourself first.

[ShinyRedShoes]

Belgian - I see what you mean about trying to control and cure it. It's impossible.

cake, He has come along way in a way and is able to control things to a large extent. He drinks alot less than before and binging really a problem AT THE MOMENT. Likewise, with the porn, that has stopped although I'm sure that doesn't mean he won't look at it again in the future.

It's the way he doesn't seem to care about its effect on me and consequently the dcs, he shows no remorse...Well he behaves remorcefully for about a day until it's blown over and then happily gets on with things without a thought to the potential aftermath and the emotional miles he's just knocked off me.

MIL behaves in a very similar way and SIL for that matter. Strange people. They hurt each other (which I think is what he was trying to do with the porn - and suceeded)and have subtle passive agressive digs at each other and then get on with life. It's so weird they have the ability to come across as really nice charming people but they're comlpete emotional freaks.

Well he now has an emotinal wreck of a DW/exDW, hopefully this will make him realise it is time to seek help too.

Anyway I'm aware that I'm rambling and that it's getting late. Thanks for all your support, I'm sure I'll sleep better tonightx

[Cakeonsaturday]

Not he'll - hell

[Cakeonsaturday]

My H had similar childhood and as a result has been really hard work over the yrs. He only turned a corner in his late 30s when he realised that he either stayed a f**d up mess and lost everything, or sought help to change and work thro things. If you're H gets to this point then good - things can get better but I have to stress if he doesn't you can't do it for him. Think of the effect on your dcs - if it's affecting you it will be affecting them too. I know what it's like to grow up with a father with these issues-he'll. Get yourself stronger x

[buzzsore]

He is responsible for his own life, you cannot fix him. He could go to the doctor as a first port of call and look into the various forms of counselling & therapy available. But his past is not your problem. All you can do is signpost for him.

You need to take care of yourself and the children now, only he can work through his issues.

[strawberryjelly]

If he has a drink issue the only person who can help him is him. he has to take ownership of the issue.

It might take your leaving to make him do that.

[ShinyRedShoes]

Cake yes I do still love him, if I didn't I'd be long gone. He definitely isn't all bad. Unfortunately he's grown up thinking that relationships hurt which I think is probably why he's treated me so badly. I know drink was also a bit of an issue in his family (dad passed out on the sofa, drunken arguments every Christmas, etc).

Nevertheless it's gone too far now and I obviously can't handle it anymore, I just keep going over and over and over it all in my head and cannot move on.

[ShinyRedShoes]

Thank you so much for all your advice, it's so reassuring to know that there are really are some good people left in the world! I think the general consensus is that I do need to seek help from real people. I will try to get to the docs next week.

Will take vitamins too, funilly enough I usually do but for some reason I stopped recently.

I have thought about relate but think it's a bit more complex than that. DH has was beaten by his dad as a child and his mum is a bit of a psycho...she said herself that she enjoys playing mind games with people!? I know he desperately needs help too but where on Earth do you go for that sort of help?

I just can't make excuses for his behaviour anymore, for the sake of myself and the dcs.

If I could turn back time and do it all again I would never ever have got involved with him, but then I suppose there'd just be some other poor soul in my place.

[Cakeonsaturday]

Shiny I am so sorry for you - have we got the same husband?!! Seriously tho I was in almost the same position a few yrs ago. After yrs of trying (very successfully) of hiding my unhappy life to family and friends, I finally broke when H had a binge which resulted in him losing his driving licence for the 3rd time(been together 20yrs). He finally agreed he was an alcoholic (drugs played a part too) and got help thro gp and the local drug and alcohol service(nhs lead - your gp can refer him). The thing is he needs to get help for himself- there is nothing you can do for him yourself. When I came to rock bottom I finally went to the gp - got signed off work for a month and went on anti depressants. Best thing I ever did. They gave me the extra strength I needed at the time. Me and H still together- has been sober for 2 yrs. Has relapsed a few times but life is definitely better.Do you love him/is he a good man?

[mumof4sons]

I feel for you. You have had a rough time. Please go to see your GP and ask for help. There really is no stigma these days about admitting that you need some help mentally.

We women have a habit of suffering in silence and there is really no need for it. Some how, some where, we lose who we are. We take care of everybody else and ignore ourselves. What would your confident, cocky, self absorbed teenage self say to you? Find her again.

I have just come out the other side of the worst year of my adult life. A year ago I never dreamed I could be as happy as I am now. My marriage broke up through no fault of my own and I was devastated. I sought help for my depression (on medication) and talked the ears off of anybody who would listen. You will find out who your real friends are. They are the ones who will cry with you when you're sad, get angry for you and help you put the world to right and laugh till you cry with you.

My friends are saying now that I have never looked happier and I am happy.

Seek help. Do it for your DCs. And DO IT FOR YOU. The road ahead might be rocky, but you do deserve a happy life. Get yourself healthy first, then tackle the H. You'll thank yourself for it.

Good luck.

[ShinyRedShoes]

Buzzore, yes you're right, I do feel that my marriage is dragging me down and know my mh and self-esteem would improve if we have some time apart. I have asked DH to leave several times, but he refuses to, saying he'd be concerned about the kids, which is just an excuse as if he wasn't around I know I'd be able to pull myself together. He just doesn't want to loose us. His family live abroad and no friends with the space to put him up.

My earnings at the moment are not guaranteed and the only option would be to sell the house. I'd have to move down to where my dad lives (something we've been thinking about anyway), that would mean taking the DCs out of their fantastic school where they are thriving and bunging them anywhere where there's a place.

[buzzsore]

Do reach out to the people you think will listen. I'd recommend you keep contact with the negative ones (like your mum) minimal at least until you're stronger again. You will get through this.

[garlicbutter]

Oh, and take a daily multivitamin+mineral supplement. You particularly need to make sure you're getting enough iron, vitamin B12, vitamin C, zinc and folic acid - they're all in most supplements.

[garlicbutter]

Oh, your poor thing. It's amazing you're not rocking in the corner of a psych ward! Do, please, go to your doc because antidepressants help to support your entire system during extended stress. Ask them for some counselling, as well.

You need to ease up on yourself. Nobody will die if the house is a tip (though you might feel better - how about hiring a cleaner for a blitz, or asking your mates to sort it out?) Most things DON'T MATTER, certainly not when your health & wellbeing is at stake.

For the time being, I suspect it's best to leave H to his own devices. Start building your own support :) It's all about you from now on! Wishing you the best. x

[ShinyRedShoes]

I've distanced myself from my friends and TBH the friendships that I do have are fairly superficial, but maybe it is time to reach out to them, there's one or two who I think could listen.

As for family, my mum knows all about it but does nothing. I think she's part of the reason I got myself into such a bad relationship as she often puts me down and I have never really had much self confidence. My dad is a bit of an emotional void, but I know he'd do his best to be supportive.

[strawberryjelly]

have you heard of SANDS- organisation for still born ( and possibly miscarriage- if not there will be others.) babies and parents. They can help. As can the Samaritans- call them any time.

[buzzsore]

You have had a lot to deal with and I'm glad you're going to go to the doctor. Sorry you've been going through so much .

You may find that under medication and perhaps with some grief counselling, you will feel a lot better and that there is something to save from the marriage. But also, it may well be that the marriage is what is dragging you down and your mh would take a turn for the better without him. I've no idea which it might be. Perhaps a separation?

Do try to talk to your friends and get some support: they're not just there for the good times.

[strawberryjelly]

So sorry.

No real advice except go to Gp and ask about counselling and CBT- may work better than drugs.

If you do want to leave your H then you need to take practical steps over selling you r home, finding another place to live, etc etc.

Have you got rea l life family and friends to help?