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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

How much do you disclose to your husband?

21 replies

muminawe · 19/01/2011 14:26

I have a partner and as many of you, I imagine, I believe that honesty and open communication is paramount in any relationship. However, can you disclose TOO MUCH? Are there things one shouldn't talk about?

Like ex's. I try not to talk about them.

But there's more than that, deeper issues.

My partner said he didn't have a Nectar card (you know, get points when you buy something at Sainsbury's)... and when I picked up a till slip from him (to do house accounts) I saw he does. Which means that the points are going to his ex wife. Is that Ok, and should I be upset?

I had already asked him to use our Tesco card so we got the points for that, but I ASKED if he had a Nectar card, and he said NO!! Surely that's being dishonest?

When I ask him if he bought sweets for his son, and he says no, and I find out he did, but didn't buy for my kids - is that dishonest?

How far does one go, or is this petty stuff and I should ignore it and carry on?

When I notice these little things I distrust a little more, but I guess we all do stuff that is 'dishonest' now and then... which ones are important though?

Just wondered what other's opinions are...
Have a great day!

OP posts:

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WimpleOfTheBallet · 20/01/2011 09:34

Even if the OP IS insecure he shouldn;t be saving nectar points on behalf of his ex...is his ex v ery short of cash OP?

It's a doble edged sword really...a good man would wnt to provide well for his ex....maybe your DH is trying to help her out...I know that my friend husband still pas for his exes phone...my friend doesn't mind...she says he always has and he should help her as much as possible as she's alone with 2 kids..

LauLauLemon · 20/01/2011 09:32

DH and I are very open and honest about everything. We have no reason to lie or withhold information from each other and I would be concerned if we felt we had to whether it was due to doing something we felt was wrong or whether it was due to the other persons attitude and presumed reaction to the truth. Our relationship is built on mutual love, respect, honesty and trust and we both wouldn't be happy without a high degree of honesty.

Obviously I don't tell him if I bought DD1 a bar of chocolate while he was in work but if he asks I wouldn't tell him otherwise.

It seems like you have issues with him caring for his kids. While I can see your point about using the Tesco card to gain points for your family I don't see how using a Nectar card and buying his own kids a bag of sweets every now and again is a big deal. He shouldn't have lied about it but maybe he lied because he presumed your reaction would be unreasonable. Have a talk with him and get all your concerns out. It's not leaving you out of pocket.

deepheat · 20/01/2011 09:25

Yeah, its odd that he lied about the nectar card. Someone has suggested that it is because you already sound insecure and so he didn't feel it is worth it.

I'm aware that I'm in a minority on this, but I think complete honesty and openness is the best way for a relationship to work. Ultimately, insecurity usually occurs when truth is being witheld or lies are being told. Even white lies "for an easy life" can be problematic. In themselves they might be pretty insignificant, but they are still dishonest and can lead to more questioning, insecurity, mistrust etc.

I just reckon that if we're completely honest in our relationship - so, including the shitty, crappy stuff that we've all got - then suddenly we don't have so much to worry about.

TrappedinSuburbia · 19/01/2011 23:43

Sorry, just realised that you were referring to yourself in the third person when you said 'her kids'.
I still stand by the rest of my post though.

TrappedinSuburbia · 19/01/2011 23:41

But they're not 'her' children, they are his as well.
The only issue I would have with the sweets is if all the children were there at the time and he deliberately excluded one of them, otherwise why on earth would you ask such a ridiculous question?
If you don't have a nectar card anyway, then he's not taking anything away from you, he's doing her a favour that in turn will benefit HIS children, I take it they are fairly amicable?
You really do seem to have issues of insecurity which perhaps are the reason's he lies over such trivial things.

ARepleteHmmSkiNun · 19/01/2011 23:16

Petty nonsense

IWantWine · 19/01/2011 18:26

hhhmmmm Once I discovered that someone had lied to me, even over something trivial, I could never be sure that they were telling the truth in the future, IFSWIM

QuickLookBusy · 19/01/2011 17:19

How much does he see DS from first marriage?

Maybe because he isn't around as much he wants to get DS1 some treats/outings?

catwhiskers10 · 19/01/2011 17:12

It would bother me about the nectar card points going to his ex-wife and the fact that he felt the need to lie about it. Especially as you say you have been told to cut food bills etc in your own household.
I wouldn't bother about him buying his child sweets unless your children were with him when he bought them and he didn't get them any. I do think it's unfair if he takes his child on lots of outings that your children don't get to go on though. Could you maybe arrange for all the children to go together?

BooBooGlass · 19/01/2011 16:42

Your thread title is so misleading as well. You are actually asking how much your husband discloses to you. You must have your secrets too, which you probably do for an easy life. My dp asks me what I did during the day, and I don't tell him every penny I've spent and every place I've been. Admittedly, it's rarely more exciting than the library and a starbucks, but the principle is the same. Presumably he wouldn't care if you'd bought your dc some sweets and had forgotten your clubcard when you popped to tesco?

bamboostalks · 19/01/2011 16:42

I think your real issue is with his other family and has very little to do with "disclosure", as you call it, in the relationship. That would be an interesting discussion though.

LeQueen · 19/01/2011 16:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RockinSockBunnies · 19/01/2011 16:13

I'd be bothered too. Why does your DP need to lie about something trivial? If he lies about that, what else is he happy to lie about?

I think honesty is paramount in a relationship and would be upset even over seemingly trivial things.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 19/01/2011 15:40

I think once someone has given themselves permission to tell small lies, it is easier further down the line to tell big ones. I also don't accept the notion that lying is acceptable because of fear of the reaction, because that takes the responsibility away from the liar and puts it on to the deceived, of the "you made me do it..." variety.

Except for fear of abuse and violence, lying is never acceptable and it needs exposing at an early stage, before the permissions become greater and the lies, more dangerous.

FlamingoBingo · 19/01/2011 15:19

Personally, the dishonesty would piss me off. If you think he's lying because he is worried about your reaction, then you both need to sit down and discuss this rather large issue in your relationship.

madonnawhore · 19/01/2011 15:16

He might be keeping it from you because he feels like you might give him shit if you knew. Do you have kids together or are the kids in your house yours only?

muminawe · 19/01/2011 15:01

BooBooGlass - you are right, it won't break the bank, a few Nectar points. However, it's more than that. I've been told to cut our food bill, cut any extra expenses etc, but about £100 extra a month is spent on sweets / toys/ outings/ movies etc that we don't do or get.
Somehow that doesn't really make sense to me.
Insecure? In this recession we may lose our house if we don't pay, but they had their house bought for them cash, are mortgage free, so they are fine, no matter what.

As a Mum that never got Maintenance ever, and has supported her kids all these years alone, I think every woman should get a fair deal. I think they get a very fair one, I'm just wondering why this feels lob-sided.

Perhaps I'm just being petty. He does have a right to do whatever he likes with his money, you are right. It's his kid (he only has 1)so it's his choice in the end.I'll try be less concerned about it.

OP posts:

BooBooGlass · 19/01/2011 14:52

He's hiding it because of your attitude. They might have 'enough' but they are still his children, and he can provide for them in whatever way (I mean really, nectar points and sweets is hardly goign to break the bank ffs) he sees fit.

muminawe · 19/01/2011 14:49

Good point. Which Is why I'm interested in other's opinions.

Hullygully - His first family gets exactly the same as we do to live on, we have 2 more people in the house than they do (4 vs 2) - so I'd say they are well catered for.

I think it's more the 'hiding it' that worries me than the rest... little things can grow big quickly.

OP posts:

BooBooGlass · 19/01/2011 14:33

I think you sound very insecure actually, and he obviously thinks you have issues with his children and ex wife. I mean really, is it worth arguing about nectar points and a pack of sweets?

Hullygully · 19/01/2011 14:30

I would find it very disconcerting that he told these little lies, mainly because I would wonder why he felt it necessary.

It sounds like he worries about what you think about his support for his first family - does he have grounds?

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