Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Relate - how will it work and help?

15 replies

NorthernerAtHeart · 18/01/2011 12:19

Hi
This is my first post about this, and I'm a little nervous.
We've been married for coming up for 6 years and have 3 DC (aged 6 to 1). We both work, me 2 days a week.
We've had lots of highs and lows in that time, but things seem to be remaining rather low at the moment. Lots of arguments, unhelpfulness. No violence etc, so to anyone looking in, things would seen 'fine'. Nice house, good jobs, great kids....
I don't want to write an essay here with full details at the moment, but would love to get an idea of how Relate might be able to help.
I've found the local number today, but am nervous about calling them. I haven't asked DH what he thinks about going yet also, as I want to get my head around it first.
Any comments you could give would be much appreciated.
Thanks!

OP posts:

Report

loves2cycle · 18/01/2011 13:20

Hi northener - from my experience Relate can really help when you need to work through relationship issues and understand the other person's point of view. You can get locked into a dynamic as a couple and it can help to break that.

I have found having an objective person 'listen in' to the arguments me and DH have, helps enormously. It helps me feel 'listened to', helps me feel my feelings/views are valid and helps me to see that I'm entitled to be assertive. It also helps me to articulate exactly what it is that's bothering me, which I seem to find difficult to do with my DH.

My DH would probably say Relate has helped in that it kept us together when I was seriously thinking of leaving. However, apart from that he has a less positive view of it than me - he doesn't like our counsellor's approach which is strongly influenced by her view that our childhood experiences have shaped how we act in relationships now as adults and he resists this view a bit.

We have been having weekly sessions for over 6 months and there is no end in sight yet. But I'm sure other people get their issues sorted in much quicker time and with less expense than us!

They do phone counselling if it is hard to get to a centre on a regular basis, but I imagine that face to face is the best way to go if you can manage it.

What are you hoping to achieve?

Report

NorthernerAtHeart · 18/01/2011 13:30

Thanks loads for your reply. The cost of it all does scare me, but got to keep remembering that it will be an investment.

'What are you hoping to achieve?'

Good question! What I really want is a fairy godmother who will tell me what the right thing to do is (keep working at it, or call it a day)! I know they won't do that.
I guess I'd like us to be able to discuss issues without ending up in the 'you said this, you said that' kind of pointless circular arguments.
My main goal is to ensure that by the end of this year, I am either in a relationship with my husband that I see lasting until we pop our clogs, or starting out again on my own (with the kids of course). I want to be happy again, either way.

OP posts:

Report

loves2cycle · 18/01/2011 13:36

Why are you not happy right now?

About the cost, it does seem a lot but like you say it has to be seen as an investment. I also thought that the money bit (which is short term) faded into insignificance when you're weighing up staying together V separating and there are children concerned - that it was worth the money to work out if things could be saved before taking a massive decision like splitting, so I think you're right to go down this route.

Report

wrigglytummy · 18/01/2011 14:13

Northerner,
I have been married 6 years, 2 kids, both work full time in very stressful jobs. DH has been very unhappy & it all came to a head in Nov. We have had 3 RELATE sessions so far & I believe that we are starting to make headway.
I really believe that it is worth a shot & as L2C says, it is an investment.
You sound as if your problems are similar - it is good to have an impartial counsellor who steers the discussion and listens to both sides. It is done away from home in a sterile environment.
I thorughly recommend it - despite not being anywheer near the end of my 'journey' yet!
Best of luck x

Report

DadIsSad · 18/01/2011 14:23

Apologies for hijacking - when are you going to see relate? Not bothered about the cost, but anytime one of us isn't looking after kids we're both supposed to be in work, and my mind boggles at the idea of weekly sessions - how do you fit it in?

Report

NorthernerAtHeart · 18/01/2011 14:23

I find it hard to pin down the exact problem. It came to a head about 3 months ago when it turned out that he had broken a promise that he had made it me a year earlier. Well actually had never tried to keep it - he promised me he would stop smoking dope. I can't stand it, he has promised the same thing several times in the past, I believed him each time, adn this last time I felt that he really meant, and I linked it very much with how much he valued the relationship.
When this came out, he just would not be open with me, or answer questions honestly, got really drunk and said some horrible things that seemed to completely undermine the relationship.
So after the last 3 months things have been ok superficially, but I feel incredibly low about it all. There is no understanding about this. It has flared up on several occasions, including this weekend.
He is trying (looking after the kids in the morning for a bit so I can sleep some more (teething 1 year old), bringing breakfast in bed), but then snaps back at me or essentially tells me that what I am feeling is wrong.
I don't know. There have been many problems over the years. Lots have improved (like him looking after the kids and not been glued to his computer 24/7). Lots haven't.
This last episode has left me with no energy to fight back with though. When things have been bad in the past, I have wanted to resolve them. I'm not sure I do now. But I do have 3 fantastic kids that I don't want to lose (I would never leave them) and want to be happy. I'm also (only?) 35 and want to be happy myself!!

OP posts:

Report

loves2cycle · 18/01/2011 14:25

Are you married to northeneratheart, dadissad, or talking hypothetically? All a bit confusing.

Report

NorthernerAtHeart · 18/01/2011 14:27

Wrigglytummy and Dadissad - thanks.
I haven't even thought about 'when'!
Between work and looking after the kids there is no time until about 7pm and that assumes we can get a babysitter!!!!

Wrigglytummy - who suggested the relate sessions? Just wondering if your husband was keen to go/come along? I'm pleased to hear things are improving for you.

OP posts:

Report

NorthernerAtHeart · 18/01/2011 14:28

Ha ha - L2C - I had to read the post from dadissad twice too! I don't 'think' he is my DH!!

OP posts:

Report

loves2cycle · 18/01/2011 14:35

It did seem strange - as though you might be married! But obviously not.

We went for phone counselling because we don't live near a centre so would of had to factor in travel time as well as session time and the babysitting costs were getting out of hand.

I was not keen on the phone counselling as I thought it would not be as effective, but I tried the first one myself, without mentioning it to DH. I was so pleased with how well it went (how much I got off my chest and how well it was summarised for me) that I then suggested weekly sessions and they are good, I am as pleased with them as I thought I would be with face to face.

Report

DadIsSad · 18/01/2011 15:36

sorry (though I'm happy to point out that I never have smoked dope!) talking hypothetically. One of our issues of course is that when I say one of us is always looking after the kids when we're not both in work, that means 24/7 (ie we've never had a babysitter). Phone counselling sounds useful - I'll stop hijacking now.

Report

NorthernerAtHeart · 18/01/2011 17:06

Feel free to keep hijacking - much easier if it's not all about me!!

I had similar thoughts about phone counselling - couldn't imagine being able to be as open without being able to actually see someone, but maybe it is an option.

Have chickened out of phoning them today, and kids all about now.

About my DH smoking - he thinks i'm nuts in that I've never tried it and don't like it (the smell on him, behavious etc). I see him also as an overgrown teenager - most people seem to grow out of it past students days.

OP posts:

Report

wrigglytummy · 19/01/2011 12:58

Notherner,
sorry I forgot to check back on the thread. I suggested Relate & DH said that he had looked at it on the internet and thought about it too.
I had a brief online chat with a counsellor - which was pretty inocuous - just said "yes, you are making postitive steps by coming to see us together" etc.
I think tel counselling would not be as effective for us. To be able to get away from home & work (2 of our major stresses!) and be locked in to a communication sessio with a 'referee' is a real bonus.
We are both lucky as our jobs allow us to finish slightly early on the afternoon of our counselling & childcare covers the kids. You do not need stress over those things hanging over you during the session.
Good luck x

Report

stubbornhubby · 19/01/2011 15:34

the Relate counsellor will sit in and observe you while you rehearse the circualr arguments that you normally have at home.

at the end she will say 'right, I have heard enough: Northerneratheat on this issue you are right and your DH is wrong' What's the next problem.

If either of you say anything at all embarrassing or funny during the sesions she will write you up in her blog, under a thinly disguised pen name.

Report

NorthernerAtHeart · 19/01/2011 18:41

Stubbornhubby - not quite sure how to take your post!

Wrigglytummy - thanks again. That's good that it was something you were both thinking about doing. There's no flexibility with our jobs, and only paid-for childcare, but I'll figure something out (once I've actually phone them - delayed and delayed today, got a huge batch of marking done first (normally put to the bottom of any list of jobs!))