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Original poster

Should i leave my partner?

26 replies

mummy1992 · 29/12/2010 19:56

I have just had my first baby 3weeks ago and im getting no support from my over half, now or through out the pregnancy. He enjoys a good drink but he cant just have one glass of wine he has 3 bottles, once he has had a drink he will do anything to get another and i just cant stand him when hes drunk. He wont give up alchol no matter how much i ask him to and its making me miserable. When hes not drinking things are great but hes drinking in excess about once or twice a week, should i just put up with it and get on or leave him and move on??

OP posts:
Lydwatt · 29/12/2010 20:00

do you have family you can move in with?

On the basis of this, I would say he is an alcoholic and that you need love/support right now. He won't give up the alcohol and you need to look after yourself and baby.

LittleMissHootsMon · 29/12/2010 20:09

jesus, get away from him! Tell him to move out, or go stay with your family.

Please.

Was he like this before the baby?

TheSecondComing · 29/12/2010 20:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
mummy1992 · 29/12/2010 20:26

Yea im 18, i no its young! Well when we got together nearly 2 years ago he was a raging alcholic and i wasnt much better but when i got pregnant i stopped and havent drunk since, infact i hate the thought of it now, hes 28 and hes got so much better but sometimes he falls back into old habbits and opens a can in the morning. Its not the life i want for olivia but i love him and cant imagine not being with him. I no it sounds bad but i also cant afford to live without him, hes well off and im skint

OP posts:
TonyThePrawn · 29/12/2010 20:29

Which would you prefer: a life with lots of money but knowing that you and your daughter will forever come a distant second place to booze, or a life where there may be less money but love, security and consistency?

Lydwatt · 29/12/2010 20:29

do you have family you can move in with?

TheSecondComing · 29/12/2010 20:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheBigZing · 29/12/2010 20:37

Congratulations on the birth of your baby mummy1992 Smile

Most of your post is about your partner's drinking. This is a problem. What you need to understand is that he will not stop drinking just because you ask him to. There is nothing you can do about it. He may realise his problem one day and seek help for himself, or he may not. He is not your responsibility. Your baby is your responsibilty and it sounds as if you are the only parent the baby can rely on. Your partner's primary relationship is with alcohol. Consider contacting your local Al-Anon group (support groups for families of alcoholics).

You also mention that he gives no support at all, and didn't during the pregnancy. In a way, I find this more concerning than the drink issue. Because a man with an alcohol problem can still be a generous, supportive partner and equal parent to his dc (when he isn't drunk). But this man seems to have no instinct or desire to be a parent, or a partner.

So I wonder what, if anything, you are getting out of this relationship?

Your baby is very young and you are still recovering from the birth. Do you live with your partner? Is anyone else supporting you in any way at the moment?

Original poster
mummy1992 · 29/12/2010 21:04

No not really i can find my own place but i dont want to sit on my own everyday becoming depressed. When my dad left i missed him everyday i dont want olivia to grow up feeling the same

OP posts:
SantasENormaSnob · 29/12/2010 21:16

An absent father is better than an alcoholic one.

Put your daughter first.

TonyThePrawn · 29/12/2010 21:20

Living with an alcoholic parent is bloody awful. It's better to have come from a broken home than to live in one.

TheBigZing · 29/12/2010 21:37

Your baby is far too young to miss her father. And he's not really much of a father at the moment, is he?

As for 'sitting on your own getting depressed' - your life really doesn't have to be that way. Go to baby groups, make friends with other young mums, find your nearest surestart centre and see what classes / playgroups they offer, go for walks with baby in pram or sling, find out if your local library have 'storytime', plan your life ahead and maybe do a college course in the future. Do stuff. Nobody is forcing you to sit around on your own just because you may find yourself living alone. Take control of yours and your baby's lives.

TheSecondComing · 30/12/2010 00:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertieBottlesOfMulledWine · 30/12/2010 04:04

I know in our area there is supported housing for young mums, which can be accessed if you are having issues with your family (or partner) such as yours. It's like a self contained flat but in a big converted house so there's always someone around to talk to, but you get your own space as well. Perhaps you could speak to your health visitor and see if there is anything like this in your area?

earwicga · 30/12/2010 04:25

What does he do when he is drunk that makes him so unbearable? I'm guessing he is holding down a job if he has money, so the alcoholism isn't all controlling?

Don't walk out yet, unless he is abusive. He has been a father for 3 weeks, you have been a mother for much longer when you factor in your pregnancy.

I grew up with an alcoholic father and it was grim and not something you want for yourself or your daughter. But alcoholics don't have to stay that way. It is a choice - his choice.

Are you getting much help from elsewhere? Is there anyone who could talk to him about his drinking and offer sources of help for him? Perhaps the HV could help, if you have a good one.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/12/2010 08:42

You're 18 so very much still young yourself (what I mean by this is that at 18 you've had no life experience) and are now with your daughter. My answer to you would be to leave the drunkard and move on; make your own aspirations and not confine your life and your DDs to being with the alcoholic. You don't want to be 19, let alone 25/30 and be still with this man.

He is not going to listen to anyone about his drinking because he does not see it as a problem. The 3cs re alcoholism apply. You did not cause this, you cannot control this and you cannot cure this.

The only thing you can do mummy1992 is help your own self along with your child by building a nice life for yourselves without him in it on a daily basis. It will do your daughter no favours at all to have a drunkard dad nor to have him as a partner to you.

You have a choice re your man and I would ask what you are getting out of this relationship now.

No-one benefits from being in an abusive relationship.

TDada · 30/12/2010 08:55

mummy1992 - many congratulations. Has your DH ever tried to get help for his problem?

Lizzabadger · 30/12/2010 09:17

Please talk to your GP and MW and see what support they can help put in place for you.

Lizzabadger · 30/12/2010 09:18

Oops - GP and HV

Original poster
mummy1992 · 30/12/2010 12:48

Thank you for all ur replies. No he hasnt got a job he just comes from a very wealthy family and has a very large trust fund. Which of coarse makes things worse, i have been working since as young as i can remember helping out at the local farms and stables ect to running yards i have always had a strong work ethic but at 28 he has no desire to work at all and has his parents to pay for everything he wants. No he has not been violant since the birth of dd but he did have a short temper before but only when he was drunk. I think the main problem is is that we were so happy and so good together for the 1st year and both drinking heavily then i changed and he didnt change with me. He was with another woman when we meet and im not proud of it but we had an affair for 3months untill she found out and i think now he resents me for her leaving him.

OP posts:
BertieBottlesOfMulledWine · 30/12/2010 13:14

So was he violent before your DD was born?

Snorbs · 30/12/2010 13:24

mummy1992, saying that he's not been violent since the birth of your daughter isn't that great considering your daughter is only three weeks old.

He's a lazy, violent drunk. Is this really the best you can hope for in your life?

sakura · 30/12/2010 13:33

It's such a vulnerable time for a women when she's just given birth. I think, often, a woman's hormones keep her with her partner, perhaps something biological that prevents her from breaking away while the baby is so small,
But you really need to get away from this man. he's 10 years older than you- not that there's anything wrong with that, but he has enough life experience to know right from wrong. If he hasn't learned what he needs to know by 28 I doubt he's ever going to
You need to leave him, but if you don't feel strong enough to do so just yet, promise me you'll start squirreling away some money for yourself.

Original poster
mummy1992 · 30/12/2010 14:06

Well yes he was violant on ocasion before dd was born. I think iv come to a decision, i will sort somewere to live and some money and when i feel that i have somewere stable for olivia i will leave him in the hope that he takes it as a wake up call and sobers up. Thanks all

OP posts:
TheBigZing · 30/12/2010 18:18

I'm glad you've come to a decision. Stay strong, stick with your resolve and do it for Olivia. She is going to be a million times better off with a strong mummy who isn't afraid to make a stand and improve her situation.

(As an aside - a 28yr old man who is happy to live on his family's wealth rather than make something of himself is not good partner / father material. The words selfish, arrogant and ... erm ... prick spring to mind. Sorry.)

Good luck mummy1992 - keep posting with updates and for more support.

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