Why wont she help me (a bit long sorry)

[deburca]

Guys

Sorry but a poster previously on here has raised an abuse topic which has just brought home to me again how angry I am. I suffered sexual abuse by my mums brother as a small child. When I told my mum (in my 20's)i asked her not to tell anyone. I had an eating disorder at the time and honestly felt I couldnt cope. A few years later I raised the topic again when I was feelign strong and said that I thought I should tell someone what had happened. This man was a raging alcoholic and my mother told me not to tell anyone, as it would "kill" my grandfather (my mums dad and this mans dad). But to wait until he died and then I could bring it out. She also blamed the alcohol on what he did.

Eventually (due to another cruel incident of a non sexual nature at teh hands of this man) I told my mum I was going to teh police. I received no family support. My cousins (whom I treated as my brothers and sisters) did not want to help me. In fact one of them had her dh suggest that I come home (I was living away at the time) and give details of what had happened so they could give this man a lie detector test. I had one of my aunts tell me not to go to the police she "didnt want her father upset" etc etc. I went to the police, they took my statement gave me examples of how they knew I was telling the truth, interviewed him adn unfortunately could not pursue it as there was not enough evidence.

this has created huge issues with my mum and I as I was basically called a liar by her family when she knows I was telling the truth. She didnt speak to them for a few years but is now back talking away, its not the same relationship according to her there isnt the trust there anymore but I ask myself then why does she bother talking to them. It angers me so much. I challenged one of my cousins about why I wasnt believed and the answer I got was "i dont know - I did andI didnt believe you, I just blanked it". My mum will give me no good reason why she pursues this relationship with them. I have a small child now and these people will actually telephone my mums house when Im there, ask to speak to my mother and ask how my child is, they are never done buying her presents either.

My problem is that I dont seem to be able to get past the anger I feel towards my mum. Ive tried counselling etc and I just dont seem to get anywhere. Can anyone out there give me their opinion?

I am being foolish to myself for now being able to move on.

deb

[deburca]

i have tried to speak to my mum on about 100 occassions about this, all it get is I cant keep apologising, you are beating yourself up and torturing yourself over this etc etc. When actually it is she who is torturing me by her refusal to basically face up to things.

I have asked her over and over again to go to counselling (which she is doing by the way for bereavement grief, ie Cruz etc) but not with me or on her own for what happened to me or to deal with her own behaviour and what that means.

Im a mum myself now and I have to actually stop myself from being paranoid regarding my child. I dont want to basically make my own little one feel that life and people are something to be feared. By all accounts its working as people are often commenting on how confident etc and outgoing she is.

I hate feeling like this though, simmering rage all the time, its so draining in so many ways.

i also find myself quick to defend anyone I perceive as an "underdog" as no one did that for me. Not always a good idea either for a myriad of reasons

x
Deb

[deepheat]

You've been let down by pretty much everybody and you have a right to feel angry. But please just remember that the original crime was your Uncle's, and it was a massive crime. Its difficult for anyone to respond in a perfect way to something as terrible as this. I'm not trying to justify your mother or cousins behaviour - it was wrong, full stop - but so often one abuser can poison an entire family, and it just makes a horrific situation even worse.

I think that your Mum needs to hear that you're angry and she needs to hear why. I think you probably need to tell her. Then she will have the opportunity to respond, apologise, think about it, whatever. You can't know how she'll respond but you can give her the opportunity to respond and give your relationship some hope.

Getting some professional, experienced support is never a bad idea either. Really good luck and best wishes, whatever you decide to do.

Oh, and don't beat yourself up for feeling angry with your Mum - so many people who've been abused will try so hard to find something to beat themselves up about and, again, it just poisons everything. Anger in this situation is absolutely healthy I think.

[blinks]

it's just weakness on their parts, deb. plain and simple.

your abuser may have picked you out because he thought you were vulnerable but look at you now- you're the only one who has the guts to confront it.

i know what you mean about trust. very difficult when you've been betrayed.

[deburca]

I wonder though, especially now that im a mother myself, what is missing in these mothers. I totally believe my abuser picked me out of all the children in my family because he knew how vulnerable I was and how my mother would react to the whole thing.

I have had actual physical threats made to me by one of her other male siblings and got called all sorts of names over the phone.

it actually caused alot of problems in my previous relationship as I just couldnt trust - still dont in alot of ways.

nearly all of the family members of my age have children, yet not one would stand up.

im sick to my stomach to think how foolish I was over the years loving them and trusting them and the whole time they really couldnt give a shit. I still feel that my mother would side with them over me anyway. She is always very quick to defend them.


deb x

[HappyWithLife]

ItsGhoulAgain...absolutely. I will never forgive my mother, she wasn't there for me when I needed her. But I accept that she is how she is and I can't change that. The only thing I can change is the way I deal with her. And thank my lucky stars that I am nothing like her .

[lucy101]

Itsghoulagain - I think the analogy with a dangerous dog is just brilliant. It frames the whole dilemma of trying to have a relationship with them perfectly - I am going to remember that.

[ItsGhoulAgain]

I agree with others here. For much too long, I thought forgiveness meant "making it all right" - the way you do when a child knocks over a drink. My mother thinks I've forgiven her in that sense. I haven't - she harmed me and refuses to admit it; how can that be all right? It's not like mopping up a spill, then the damage is gone. My forgiveness is more like comprehension: she did (does) things because that's the way she is, no more. It's a bit like having a dangerous animal for a pet - you might appreciate its qualities, even love it, but you can't change its nature so you'd keep it at a safe distance.

[lucy101]

What a dreadful experience, abuse and betrayal. You have been very, very badly let down and I don't know how you can actually 'get past' your anger or 'get your head around it' right now - trying to forgive when perhaps it is too early (or perhaps you shouldn't even try) can be damaging too.

I think you should give yourself a break and distance yourself from the lot of them if you have to.

[HappyWithLife]

Blinks, thanks, but it never even occurred to me not to believe her. It's just inconceivable to me that every Mum wouldn't do the same.

[blinks]

what a great mum you are, HWL.

[HappyWithLife]

I'm sorry but I'm totally with the others who are saying you have every right to be furious with your Mum. My DD told me about abuse from her Father, my then husband. I never doubted her for a second, went to the police, had him arrested and charged and it went to trial. I would stop at nothing to protect my children. His trial collapsed so we fled, and are now living in a completely different area, hundreds of miles from 'home', name changed and happy and safe.
Why should this disgusting man have ever been afforded the consideration that your mum wanted to give him? In order to protect the family she has left you feeling vulnerable and betrayed. Utterly abhorrent.
My own mother was no help when all the abuse came out regarding my daughter. I have now learnt that no matter how much I want her protection/approval/love/pride...I am not going to get it so I have stopped expecting it or even striving for it and I am much happier for it. She is still my mother, I love her dearly but she is deeply flawed and in putting some emotional distance between us I have become much happier. However, I will always always be there for my own children and fight their corners every time.

[blinks]

oh and i think understanding the reasons why your mum, and anyone's mum wouldn't automatically protect their child IS helpful. i spoke to my counsellor about that alot but i still have feelings of absolute rage.

before confronting the family with this again as an adult, i got advice from a friend who had been through a similar and actually much worse abuse situation. she warned me that PEOPLE CAN'T HANDLE THIS. I naively thought- but surely if you love someone you'll support them and believe them but she was absolutely right. the reaction of my siblings and mum, the way they turned their backs on me because i had decided to face up to what happened and not expose my children to it, confirmed exactly what my friend warned...

[blinks]

i no longer see my mum partly because she has lied to my siblings about me telling her what my dad did (and her not believing me) when i was younger and her continuing decision to put her relationship with my dad before the feelings and safety of not only HER children, but her grandchildren.

to a certain extent, not seeing her has helped but i still get enormous waves of anger to the extent that i can't sleep or have dreams about kicking the shit out of her... not sure if that's healthy but probably natural considering what's happened.

try not to focus too much on how you feel you SHOULD be. you're angry. and that's ok. best to vent it as much as possible, perhaps through counselling and talking to friends. having a good rant makes me feel alot better.

[deburca]

guys sorry, really dodgy internet access here.

I totally see where you are coming from, i often wondered if the predators sense which parents wont do anything to help their children. Ie the truly vulnerable ones as even if they did tell what happened they would get no help. I just cannot forgive my mother, I so wish I could but I think the reason I can is that she doesnt want forgiveness. If she did she would behave as such, do whatever it took to try and repair our relationship.

Its the isolation of it that gets under my skin, the feeling that you dont have the right to be angry long term, that you should just get over it and get on with things. I live in a state of simmering rage most of the time and its not healthy. I know this but I just cannot seem to stop it. Will it stop eventually do you think?

deb

[WriterofDreams]

I think definitely for me my mother's reaction was in a way more hurtful and traumatic than the abuse itself. You can dismiss the abuser, hate him, and tell yourself what a shit he is, but when your own mother won't help you the betrayal is huge.

I do sometimes feel like I hate my mother but on the whole I actually think I feel sorry for her more than anything else. She's quite a bitter person in a lot of ways, and had a hard upbringing. She hinted at some abuse that happened to her but dismissed it, and that's what she expected me to do with what happened to me. When I looked back over my childhood I realised how distant she has been from me all my life and how odd her reaction was whenever I got really upset - basically she just squirmed and looked uncomfortable, or told me to stop. She missed out on having a really close relationship with me and now that I'm having my own baby that makes me feel sad for her. I know I'm going to try my best not to make the same mistakes.

Oh and I know if I brought any of this up with her she would act all hurt and point out how hard she worked to keep us all going (my dad didn't work for years). She considers that enough, and I feel sorry for her that she can't see that there's more to life than that.

[deburca]

Yes I agree, its like alcohol is the great excuse but as my GP pointed out, have you ever behaved like that to a child when drunk? No! so what does that tell you?

i dont know to be honest if I can ever really forgive my mother, in ways what she did was worse.

she is so selfish about it, she keeps asking me what she can do to help but when I suggest counselling together it is an outright refusal so really what she means is "what can I do to help you that wont annoy me".

[blinks]

it's interesting how many of these men who behaved inappropriately were alcoholics.

my dad was too and that became a reason not to believe me as it was deemed his behaviour was 'drunken' as opposed to sexually inappropriate.

from what i've read, sexual abuse in a household with an alcoholic is a lot more likely to happen.

[deburca]

thank you all so much for taking the time to post. I have been so destroyed with all this. As awful as it sounds I feel better knowing that I am not alone and that others have been treated this way by their mothers.

It really is the ultimate rejection isnt it? It feels good for someone else, especially strangers to me, to tell me that what happened is wrong. That she is wrong. The issue is so emotive for even my friends that sometimes I think they are just so gobsmacked about the whole thing that they dont know what to do to help me.

I have a wonderful other half, very supportive but sometimes I just wish he (he is quite a gentle person) or someone would walk up to her and say "what sort of a mother are you - what sort of a person are you, what you did was the shittiest thing you could do to someone" and ask her why she is pursuing this relationship with her siblings without every challenging them. I would like her to have to answer them

its like if an

[ItsGhoulAgain]

Deburca, a lot of people live in a made-up world. It's a survival strategy for them. The reasons why they do it vary - if your mother's very self-centred, it's possible she has a mental disorder which makes her incapable of understanding another's point of view - even if the other person is their own child. Another possibility is that sexual abuse was part of her own childhood, too, and your experience threatened the denial she built up, as a child, to protect herself iyswim. Some people, tragically, put social perceptions before real life ("What would people think") and wreak havoc amongst their nearest & dearest - all for the sake of perceived status.

It might never be possible to understand why in your mother's case - though some extensive reading will probably give you a good idea, should you care to it. The hardest thing for you, now, is getting your head around the fact that she did not care that much about you. This flies in the face of everything society expects of mothers, and even goes against our own evolved instincts. In some way, though, she has malfunctioned: some part of her wiring is faulty. It's sad - certainly for you. But there is nothing you can do.

The only way forward - and it is a bumpy one, I'm afraid - is to accept that she cannot care about you, as most mothers would. It's hard but, once accepted, rewards you with emotional freedom. I wish you all the support you need.

[nemofish]

Well deburca you are definitely not alone, my mother was the same wrt her husband / my stepfather being sexually innapropriate with me, he was also an alcoholic. She seemed irritated at me when it all came out, and she told me I was overreacting, being too sensitive, and in fact I should be flattered that I was getting male attention!

He used to torment / argue with me saying things like 'Niggers are really good at running cos they're used to being chased by lions and tigers, that's why there are so many nignog athletes.' This was purely to wind me up / upset me, but again it was my fault for being arguementative.

They have painted me as the evil selfish stepdaughter who made up lies to try and split them up. But I adored my stepdad at first when he wasn't drinking, before all the shit started. I lived in fear of him then until I ran away left home.

Families will often re-write history, i wish I knew why, there is so much hysteria about 'peedos' but when it comes to it many people have the attitude of blaming the victim. My stepdad used to always say 'kiddie fiddlers should have their bollocks chopped off and be hung.'

Irony is not a big enough word.

I found it easier when I realised that I could explain 'my side' of the story (the same story I have stuck to for 20 years) to my mother until I was blue in the face, nothing will make her see / accept what happened. I hate the fucking bitch for that.

Remember you do not have to 'prove' it, you know the truth yourslef,you know you should have been believed and protected by the adults in your life, and you certainly have a right to be angry and feel betrayed.

The people who genuinely love you will believe you and be on your side. I hope that you can get past this and find some peace.

[blinks]

you have my utter sympathy.

i don't know if it is something you can get past unless the person somehow 'gets it'.

it's unlikely that without counselling she will be able to do that so you have a choice.... you can't make her have counselling but you could do it yourself to help you decide what to do next.

i know my mum couldn't accept how my dad behaved towards me when i confronted her but when i had my daughter i brought it up again and in the end decided not seeing her was less painful that constantly being reminded. unfortunately the rest of my family also couldn't accept it either.

very tough thing to deal with, when the people you should be able to rely on the most withdraw support... i have the odd evening where i go to bed and can't sleep for anger. on the whole though, i said my bit and if they can't accept it and do the right thing, that's their problem.

i think you're mum, like my family are mainly motivated by fear not to confront the issue. denial is often easier than making touch decisions and choices.

she sounds weak and although you may not feel it, you're the strong one.

[Thingumy]

She is in denial and she's wrapped up in her own 'protection'.



I'd recommend this book

[deburca]

i have asked her to go to counselling with me and she outright refuses. Its "not her"

sometimes I actually feel like I hate her

she seems determined to make me feel to blame in some way, also it just drives me mad with anger that she has never confronted her siblings about their behaviour towards me

what is wrong with her?

[MinkyBorage]

you won't be able to get your head around hopw they are behaving. In my opinion their behaviour is disgraceful. Of course you can't understand it because clearly it is not the way you would behave if faced with the same issue.
The more I think about it, the more I think it would be a great idea for you to arrange a counselling session which you could both attend together. She owes you that much. Surely she would come with you, even if she doesn't fancy going on her own??

[Thingumy]

I don't know why your mother reacted in the way she did,my mother did the same-tried to get me to cover it up for the 'sake' of others reactions.Completely self absorbed and no actual anger directed at my abuser,it was all hushed up until I went to court and blew the family out of the water.

Denial,shame,embarrassment? Who knows,I would be focusing on you and how you need to deal with the aftermath of abuse.You won't change your mother's reaction.Lots of people deal with a family members 'abuse' by hushing up and brushing it under the carpet,they don't have to deal with the reality of it then.Quite simply,it's them being utterly selfish.

I don't really have much to do with my mother anymore.I prefer to distance myself now,she is toxic-always was and always will be.I have to stay away to protect my mental health.

Do have more therapy to work through your anger towards her and the rest of the family.

Be kind to yourself x