Email 'romance' - would you put up with this?

[choucroutegarnie]

My DH of 18 years has admitted to falling in love with a colleague. He swears it's been platonic, and largely restricted to email.

He promised to end it all, but contact has continued.

To me this is a major trust issue and I am finding it very hard to forgive.

Would you more easily forgive this because it is - supposedly - platonic? Or, would you, like I do, feel as betrayed as if they had had sex?

We have one DC so separation is not trivial.

[CheeseandGherkins]

If he loves her then how is it platonic?

[choucroutegarnie]

I thought platonic meant 'no sex' (yet).

[Hawkmoth]

Platonic is 'friendly'. Unconsumated would be better. (can't spell)

[QueeheeeheeeheenOfShadows]

largely restricted to email.... how?

It does not matter if sex has taken place or not, he is either having an emotional affair, or an affair where they have not yet had sex.

But this is his words, and at the moment, he is not exactly to be trusted.

[choucroutegarnie]

Ah. Yes, makes sense.
What do you make of it though?
To tell the truth, I am trying to find the courage to begin divorce proceedings.

[choucroutegarnie]

Sorry, posted at same time.
That is the thing - a total lack of trust on my part.
How do you rebuilt that?

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

Well you can't forgive if it's continuing, that's for starters.

He has been having an emotional affair. This is defined by when:

• There is secrecy, either about the existence of the friend or the content of their interactions.
  
• There is physical attraction.
  
• The friend knows more about your marriage than you know about their relationship.
  

If he is saying he is in love with her, this is certainly not platonic. How did this get discovered - did he confess or did you find out? How can you be sure that he hasn't had sex with her, or physical contact?

[choucroutegarnie]

Your definition is spot on. It definitely is an emotional affair - all the above applies.

I started asking questions because a. he'd been withdrawn for months, denying anything was wrong. And then b. when setting up a new computer at home I saw him recoil in horror when a woman's name appeared at the top of his inbox. The rest is history.

I guess I am seeking some sort of confirmation that I'm not being unreasonable.

Not a very brave stance, but there you go.

[RitaLynn]

(slightly off-topic, but platonic doesn't mean not loving, it means a non sexual love, in the original Symposium sense)

[choucroutegarnie]

Thanks

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

Well, discovery rather than confession makes a massive difference I'm afraid.

Often in these situations, the unfaithful person will admit to only what he thinks you can prove. So no surprise that you discovered they have been E mailing eachother and therefore he says the relationship has been "mostly conducted by E mail". .

I suspect that this is a full-blown affair, given what you have said about the distancing and the fact that this has been going on for months. There is an outside chance that you have interrupted this before it became physical, but I suspect not.

Have you seen the content of their E mails and texts and have you done any other snooping for incontrovertible evidence?

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

Oh and of course you are being entirely reasonable to question all this!

[choucroutegarnie]

I have seen enough to be sure that this is extremely serious.

You are right. The fact that I had to get it out of him speaks volumes.

I am just terrified of what lies ahead, but I know moving on is the best thing to do.

Heartbroken though.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

I sympathise hugely and I'm sure it's heart-breaking. What do you believe has happened? What are you telling him you're going to do? Is there any denial going on within you that this relationship hasn't turned physical?

[choucroutegarnie]

I have told him that my trust in him was probably irretrievably broken and that i had contacted a lawyer to know exactly what my rights were (I don't want him in the house).

As for denial - he is the one strongly denying any physical relationship. And I am the one who finds it hard to believe!

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

Your posts are quite short and so it is difficult to work out what help you need at the moment.

It sounded from your earlier posts that you believed him, since you were asking us whether emotional betrayal was as bad. A lot of us can help you on here, but I think it would be best to tell the whole story rather than revealing it bit by bit.

[ScaryFucker]

Hi chou

Your husband, at the very least, is having an emotional affair

The fact that he has no intention of ending it is the deal breaker here

Would I "put up with it" ?

No, but I wouldn't have "put up" with the previous shitty behaviour towards you either

You should, not ever "put up" with disrespectful and humiliating treatment...if you turn a blind eye to this you might as well resign yourslf to a life of mistrust, destroyal of your self-esteem and the inevitable wait until your husband decides to make it "non-platonic" (if that hasn't already happened)

Take the control here, and send him off to his lady-love