Dh has emailed me to say he's leaving..

[TheInvisibleManDidIt]

I'm ok with the fact he's going- it needed to happen. I only posted on a thread the other day that I didn't think I could stay in the marriage just for the childrens sake for much longer.

We've had years of fighting, and now we barely speak. We do need to split. His email was actually really nice- he'll leave, don't worry about money (anymore than we already do), he'll be there for the children 24/7, he loves me, but is rubbish at showing it and we're both miserable.

I agree a split is probably the best thing.

So why am I so fucking angry and upset? Ok, yes I'm angry that he wants to end an (almost) 11 year marriage with a bloody email, but it's more than that. I've tried so hard for years to make this work, and he sends an email and thats it over. But I'm so upset- keep crying and I'm shaking. Why- this is what I wanted.

He doesn't fucking love me- he does nothing to show he loves me.

I feel really sick. Thank god I'm off work today- had he even considered I could read that email at work? What if I hadn't checked my emails? I think my heads going to burst.

My friends been round and given me loads of pratical adviced and let me rant and cry on her. I've phoned my boss to say I'll need to take the boys to school tomorrow (he was meant to but obviously can't if he's not here), so I'll be late in. She was lovely and called him lots of names which helped.

Why do I feel so awful though.

[nocake]

It's absolutely normal to feel that way and it's nothing to do with how he told you (even though that is a fairly cowardly way to do it). You will stop feeling like this fairly soon but you are going to go through a whole load of different emotions before you can finally say you've moved on.

As for practical advice, as someone who's been there, don't go to a solicitor if you don't have to. It will end up costing you both a huge amount of money, which is less for the two of you to split between you. Despite doing a lot of the legal work for my divorce myself it still cost me £8k and my ex spent over £15k.

armbow's advice is excellent and you should also try to establish a calm, business like conversation with your husband so you can discuss your finances. You may hate him and want to rip his heart from his chest and stamp it to pulp but ranting at him is not going to help and will almost certainly harm your chances of splitting everything in a mutually agreed way.

[armbow]

i would wait until you see him face to face tbh.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

I agree about waiting until you see him face to face.

I also agree that you need to see a solicitor. It's all very well him saying not to worry about money now, but in another few weeks once he's had a chance to decide that he deserves somewhere nice to live and money for a new social life, then maybe some of that goodwill will evaporate.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

nocake - that is an insane amount of money. DH and his ex-wife spent about £1k on their divorce between them using solicitors.

[TheInvisibleManDidIt]

Emailed him back before I saw your responses.

I just agreed we're not happy, and that I had been thinking about us seperating, but basically if this happens lets continue to be adult and mature about it all and always keep ds's wellbeing as the most important thing.

Ds1 has come come with a sore head, so doesn't want to go to his club tonight. Which means we cannot speak tonight until they're in bed.

[PlumBumMum]

Will he come home tonight?

Being the eternal optimist I am, do you think this could maybe open some communication to save your marriage, if not hope he keeps to his promises,
good luck for tonight

[TheInvisibleManDidIt]

He's home. Well, he's just gone out to pick up ds2 from training.

He asked if I was ok- but we can't talk with ds1 around. Maybe it will get us to talk Plum, but just now I'm not sure I want to. Head really hurts and I'm so tired.

His email said he was going monday, but I thought he'd just made a mistake- it was a bank hol here yesterday and I thought he's meant today and mistaken it for mon. Now I think he really meant next mon. He's certainly not showing any signs or packing anything. Maybe he's just waiting for ds's to go to bed though.

[PlumBumMum]

I really hope that things work out for the best.
get yourself a cuppa and some pain killers, you don't have to know what you want just yet,
but some more talking would be good especially as it dosen't seem to be his strong point, then sleep on it

[LadyBiscuit]

I'm so sorry and have no experience of this but I would say that if you don't want him to stay until Monday, you can ask him to leave now. He is not in charge here, you negotiate.

[nocake]

Yes, Alibaba, it was an insane amount of money but you'll have to ask my ex why is was necessary to spend that much. She was the one who decided to employ a solicitor, to refuse to discuss anything with me, to refuse to negotiate outside the court and to push us into two court hearings. It was only the actions of my straight talking and scary barrister (imagine Ann Widdicombe but scarier) that stopped us ending up with a third court hearing.

The problem is that once one person has a solicitor representing them it becomes very difficult for the other person to avoid using one.

Most people also underestimate how much a solicitor will cost. For £1k you will get enough of their time to talk through the details of the consent order and then draft it ready for the court to approve it.

[ASecretLemonadeDrinker]

How is everything? It was my "staying for the kids" thread you posted on :( Hope you are ok x

[newwave]

Just maybe he thinks he will break down and not go through with it face to face, a cowards way out I know but if he is being sincere about it being amicable then let it go.

[TheInvisibleManDidIt]

Thanks for all the responses.

Well, after the boys were in bed, he told me he really regretted sending the email the minute he'd sent it, but couldn't get into my emails to delete it.

We talked for ages, calmly and without casting anything up against eachother. Which is the first time we've managed that in years.

We've agreed on a few new 'ground rules' and ways of communicating how we feel and are going to give it another try. We both agree that staying together just for the boys is wrong, but also that splitting without being able to say 'we have tried everything we could to make it work' is also wrong.

So we'll see how it goes.

[stillcrying]

I was about to post then saw your update- good for you. But try and be clear in your mind about what you want. Can you go and see a counsellor together? Might be very helpful to have someone neutral who can help you both talk things through. Good luck

[Madascheese]

I'm pleased you have got 'somewhere'

Good luck, keep talking and being honest.

[PlumBumMum]

Ah thats good, keep us posted it is nice to see threads ending better than they started iyswim