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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm a Selfish Cow

36 replies

Chinchilla · 04/08/2003 22:38

I feel really horrible, and I need to talk to you all. My mum has today been told that she has an ovarian cyst/tumour, and that it could be cancerous. We are awaiting results of a blood test to see if it is. Either way, she needs to have the affected ovary removed, and possibly the other one too. Obviously she is really gutted and shocked. I am too.

I am surprised by the depth of my upset over this, as we did not get on at all when I lived at home. It is a long story, suffice it to say that I have had two long bouts of counselling, three periods of depression and I still cannot stop looking back. I constantly blame her for my unhappiness, and although we get on now, I have still not forgiven her for all the hurt she caused me as a child and teenager.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chinchilla · 04/08/2003 22:39

I know that, despite all this, it is normal to still love her, and that something like this will upset me. However, I am torn in two. Part of me wants to snuggle up to her and comfort her. The other part still 'hates' her, and tells the loving side not to bother. I know that I should ignore the 'bad' side of my feelings for her, and be a loving daughter in her hour of need, but I can't. I will be there for her, sort of as a friend would be, but I can't give her a loving support.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chinchilla · 04/08/2003 22:39

I felt the same when she had a mastectomy 5 years ago. Seeing her in the hospital bed made me feel a fierce protectiveness for her, but I was afraid that it would be thrown back in my face, so I suppressed it. I was also surprised at my depth of feeling for her at that time, and wanted to stifle it so I wouldn't get hurt. This is for the woman who (recently) said that Dad comes first for her, and always has. I thought that, once you had children, they were always the most important thing in your life! Ds is in mine, and my dh agrees.

Anyway, I have taken her flowers today, and have tried to support her. If I lose her, I know that I will never be able to come to terms with our past relationship, and will hate myself for ever. It is all her fault, but I will be the one who is the bad person for the rest of my life. I can't talk to dh, because he lost his mum from ovarian cancer, and he has had to put up with my battles and history with my mum for 15 years. Anyway, he will probably think that I am horrible to feel the way I do. At least I have a chance to make things right. I just can't.

Sorry this is so jumbled.

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Original poster
Chinchilla · 04/08/2003 22:40

Sorry too for multipe post, it wouldn't accept the whole story!

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anais · 04/08/2003 22:49

(((Chinchilla))) I'm sorry things are so rough for you at the moment.
You are not selfish at all, what you are feeling is entirely normal. I love my parents, but I am still angry at some of the things they did when I was a child. It's only since I've had kids myself that I've become aware of what they did - nothing serious, but it still hurts. Feelings are rarely clearcut, don't be so hard on yourself.

lou33 · 04/08/2003 23:25

I'm mailing you via the link up top Chinchilla. Big hugs to you til you get it xxxx.

expatkat · 04/08/2003 23:48

I fully expect to have the same feelings you described. In fact, now that I think about it, I did have very similar feelings to yours when my father had a health scare a few years ago. We thought he had less than a yr to live. In fact, he ended up having a v. benign form of leukemia, which he can live with comfortably forever.

I echo what the other say about these being normal feelings. But I think arriving at some point of forgiveness is the key.

By going through the motions of giving flowers and doing the right thing, you are making good headway. Because you are being a good daughter even if there is some ambivalence behind the gestures you're making.

I hope the news is good, re. the ovary. Keep us posted.

Jimjams · 05/08/2003 12:09

Chinchilla- all sounds totally normal- I'm surprised you're not angrier really. My MIL has sad that stuff about her dh coming first. In her case I'm convinvced its because she's lost control over her chidren's lives and now they've left home has no role- and is pretty bitter about it. Even if you can understand why parents behave how hey do it doesn't make it any easier really.

I think you are doing the right thing. And actually no I don't think you have the chance to make things right. If she mistreated you things will never be right unless she accepts that she did that and takes responsibility for it.
I hope all goes well, but please don't be had on yourself.

ks · 05/08/2003 13:06

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Lindy · 05/08/2003 14:24

Chinchilla - you're not being selfish - you're being honest and there is a big difference. I am sure a lot of people feel like you do about 'close' family relationships (I know I do) but again, it's one of those taboo subjects that no one can speak about. Quite honestly you can be more of a support to your mother if you are a little 'detached' and not over emotional, it will be easier to get on and be practical.

Good luck, hope it all works out for you both.

toot · 05/08/2003 15:01

We cant all live in a Disney land family of Mom, Pop and kids who love and adore each other. Speaking as someone who had a poor relationship with a parent who subsequently died I dont think you are being a selfish cow. Its ok to hate the things they did or didnt do whilst you were growing up. Its ok to notice how you love and care for your own kids and know that you were parented differently. You can still love your mother and not really like how she was/is. My Dad died 2 yrs ago. Yes Id like to have put things right before he went but I also think that even if we`d had 20 yrs more we may not have managed it. My only advice is do what you can now in the best way/spirit that you can manage and try not to judge yourself or beat yourself up.

Tortington · 05/08/2003 15:12

i think jimjams put it well. do remember the responsability for the whole situation does not rest only with you

Original poster
Chinchilla · 05/08/2003 22:13

Just to thank you all (especially Lou33 and AngieL - will contact you direct if it all gets too bad...thanks for being there). Last night was a dark time for me, facing up to my demons AGAIN. When will I be free of them? (rhetorical Q BTW)

Today was better, and I spent the pm with Mum. We had a nice time, and spoke about it all. Mum is very negative and thinks that it IS cancer, when in reality it is 'only' a 1 in 10 chance. I was candid, and MOF about it, but tried to be supportive.

Thanks. I will post again when there is news.

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lou33 · 05/08/2003 23:13

Chinchilla, make sure you do get in touch if you need to, nothing worse than trying to cope, and holding it all back. You seem to be getting some excellent advice on here.

Ks ,sorry to hear your news, do you have plenty of support?

breeze · 06/08/2003 08:59

Chincilla, I hope it all works out for you,

Ks, I hope that you are getting support through this time as well. {{{{{hugs{}}}}}}}}

Original poster
Chinchilla · 08/08/2003 19:36

I rang her last night, to see if she had had the results of the blood test. I was made to feel like I was fussing, and basically told 'Don't call us, we'll call you.' Although I understand that she doesn't want to be fussed over (she is the same if dad tries to cuddle her), I feel rejected again by her attitude.

I have decided not to ring her again, and to wait until she wants to tell me what is going on. I am not mentally able to cope with her.

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ks · 08/08/2003 20:14

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lou33 · 08/08/2003 21:39

Blimey, families can be so draining can't they? Chinchilla, you sound in a similar situation to my dh. His mum has done nothing but make him feel bad for virtually his entire life. She seems to blame him for everything without telling him what he has supposed to have done, and has one set of standards for him, but another set for his half sibs. After spending 40 years trying to get her to love him, he now realises it isn't his problem but hers, and it has come as a huge relief to him. I hope you can find the same resolution in your own way. Big hugs to you, and don't forget I am still here if you want to email me x.

lou33 · 08/08/2003 21:40

Ks do you have a support network to help you through this?

ks · 08/08/2003 21:54

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lou33 · 08/08/2003 22:12

As long as you have what you need Ks. I think having seen what dh has gone through with his mother over the years, that it is perfectly ok to not like your parents (or more). But it is only as an adult that we can look back and see what happened and why we feel like we do. Some people just shouldn't become parents. I think dh would have been better off being adopted by a family that truly wanted him, rather than being made to feel bad, worthless and unimportant. And I know it isn't that she doesn't have parental feelings , as she had other children(though not by dh's dad), and the way she treats them (esp the daughter) is the complete opposite. Maybe she wants to forget she had a previous life, but I don't think she had to punish him for it. Sorry to hijack.

Original poster
Chinchilla · 09/08/2003 15:10

No problems about anyone hijacking! It's a thread about Mums, so all welcome to 'vent'

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motherinferior · 10/08/2003 10:55

Both of you - big hugs. I just wanted to say that I completely anticipate a very similar conflict of feelings towards my own mother as and when her health fails. you're NOT bad people. really. xxxxx

Baba · 11/08/2003 19:32

Chinchilla

All I want to say to you is that my darling Dad died of cancer in May this year. I was adopted as a baby and never really got on with my parents, partly out of my own self-esteem issues and feeling that I never fitted in. I traced my real parents and put my "adopted" parents through hell as a teenager and young woman and felt that I was never good enough.

However, I did never stop loving them and eventually, when I became a parent, became closer to them and when I found out my Dad had cancer, I felt so guilty for all the things I had put him through and felt that I could never make amends for all the times I had hurt him in my life. Eventually he died and I knew that he loved me and he knew that I loved him with all my heart.

Although I have and probably will never come to terms with losing him, it does make me now realise that we cannot choose our parents and deep down there is a reason that your Mum is the way that she is.

I get the feeling that she has had or still has very low self-esteem and people who have this, often hurt the ones they love, because they don't really like themselves. Or maybe she didn't have a very happy childhood? There is always a reason for her behaviour and, although its not an excuse to hide behind, in these circumstances, I think you need to try and forget all the things that you feel for your Mum, apart from any love you have in your heart.

When she is gone (and hopefully, with the 1 in 10 stats, she won't be gone for a very, very long time!), I don't want you to be left with a lot of guilt because it will consume you and you won't be able to get on with your own life because of it.

Try and do what you can and you will be left with a clear conscience and a heart that knows that you did the best you could.

Original poster
Chinchilla · 13/08/2003 19:30

Well, the good news is that she hasn't got cancer She still has to have keyhole surgery to remove the affected ovary, but it will be less invasive. She feels much better/happier, which is a relief.

Selfishly, I am in the depths. All this triggered it all off, but now ds is playing up (heat, I think) and I am not able to drag myself out of the abyss. I am also getting paranoid 'No-one likes me' thoughts...

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lou33 · 13/08/2003 20:56

Chinchilla, I'm pleased for your mum.

Please email me if you want to talk, you may need it more than you think.Have you been to the doctor and asked to see a counsellor? Thinking of you x.