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DH MIA

10 replies

Lolvol · 05/09/2010 12:32

DH is upstairs on his computer, where's he's been for the last two hours, leaving me to entertain DS. This is a regular - daily - occurrence. We both work full time, but he regularly stays home and does next to nothing - esp in summer as he's an academic. He has two full days out each month for his fun, but sees this as part of our bargaining if I have to be away for work.

If I try to bring up him spending more time with DS to give me more time to do stuff I like - he freaks and becomes quite bullying. He'll get better for a little bit if I really break down, but then slip back into old patterns as he does now.

I find myself getting angry with DS because he's pestering me when I try to do things at home (whether it's my stuff or household stuff like cooking). But I know he's only 3 and wants attention.

OP posts:

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IseeGraceAhead · 05/09/2010 12:41

Lolvol, you really don't need an answer to this, do you? What's he doing on the computer? Why can't DS play in there with him?

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belledechocolatefluffybunny · 05/09/2010 12:42

I'd turn the sockets off for an hour.

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TheLifeOfRiley · 05/09/2010 12:51

What is he doing on the computer for 2 hours a day??

What's he lik with DS is general? Does he play and interact with him? Does he do his share of the baths, (nappies when he was smaller) toilet help, etc.

The way I see it you both work full time so you should both split the childcare and housework too. Someone on MN said on a previous thread that you should both get the same amount of (sitting) down time and I agree.

His sulking and bullying when you do ask him to help out is just to manipulate you to not ask again/as often you do realise that don't you?

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IseeGraceAhead · 05/09/2010 12:51

Yep! And then move the computer into the living room or kitchen.

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nagoo · 05/09/2010 12:51

I don't know how you are going to do this without having a row, so you might want to leave it until your DS is asleep?

I would be bloody livid. I have spent the last 9 months 'letting' my DH gat away with this type of behaviour as he has been teacher training and it has been ridiculously hard work for him. He spent no time doing anything for us, just working working.

Now he's qualified, we've had to reassess the balance. I expect a lot more from him. I have laid down 'the rules' about what I expect him to do. And that is HALF. I work FT too.

I have explained how I expect the house to be kept (ie toys put away if not being played with, kitchen worktops clean, dishwasher empty, washing dealt with etc)

This can be achieved by only doing housework while he is watching you do it, and offering him a choice of activites... (bath DS or cook dinner, hoover or dust, that kind of thing). This strategy is hard to beat without looking like a complete knobhead.

My DH has always been a good dad, but is prone to disappear upstairs to fuck about on the computer or play playstation games while our DS (3) amuses himself with toys. I have pulled him up on this, and now he doesn't dare to do it if I'm in the house.

To borrow a phrase from SGB, you both should have the same amount of child-free chore-free time.

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nagoo · 05/09/2010 12:52

Also, if you'd like a row, throw the trip switch....

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dignified · 05/09/2010 13:00

You have to entertain your little one while your trying to cook ( presumably for all of you ) and hes upstairs sat on his arse in front of the pc ? Bollocks to that, id stop doing ANYTHING for him until he gets it.

And as for the freaking out and bullying, presumably he doesnt treat his boss like that ? Ive lived with a bullying, lazy idiot who thought i was his domestic servant , not nice at all.

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ThatDamnDog · 05/09/2010 13:06

Put the PC in your living room. Job done.

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Orangerie · 05/09/2010 13:16

I had exactly the same problem, for me the solution was to divorce. I still do everything and entertain DS all the time but without the feeling that someone should be sharing the job. Incidentally, jobs are done more quickly and without so much stress now that I am on my own.

The down side though is the never ending financial worry...

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Lolvol · 05/09/2010 16:57

Thanks - I'm mostly venting. He's not bad in terms of nappies (poo nappies seem to be over now!) or bathing.

As for moving the PC - it's a laptop!

I'm mostly just sick of the bad attitude and the idea that if DS makes a mess (which obviously he does often) that it's my job to pick it up.

DS is asleep now - so I'm going to take time to do something I want - unfortunately it's a bit akin to my work.