How can I make DH interested in family life?

[pinkypanther]

Our long-awaited DC was born earlier this year and I have been struggling ever since then to interest DH in having a life as a family.

Before DS was born, we both had very active social lives, with lots of friends in common and separate friends too. We were out most nights in the week, together and separately.

Now my life is very different (can't really go out unless it is to someone's house when I can take DS and put him to sleep in another room) but DH's is much the same. He goes out to the pub several times a week, plus gigs, seeing friends etc.

This means he rarely sees DS in the evenings, and almost never gets up with DS - who is a very early waker - in the morning, either during the week or at the weekend (he has done it a handful of times since DS has been born). As a result I am knackered and feel like I am permanently on duty with DS with no break.

This weekend DH is away on a cycling weekend with his mates. He called just now and told me he was thinking of calling the church band leader (he plays in a band at our church) to say he could play tomorrow evening. This would entail yet another evening out for him. I suggested to him that actually, having been away all weekend and not having seen me or DS, he might like to come home and spend some time with us. He got the hump over that and behaved like I was trying to tell him what to do.

The thing is, I don't want to tell him what to do, I want him to willingly spend time with me and DS as a family and he just doesn't see it as a priority. I am about this and don't know what to do anymore...

Sorry, bit long and rambling I know.

[violethill]

Don't feel guilty! Actually from the baby's point of view it's probably better earlier, as around a year (which many mums seem to do these days) is apparently the most difficult stage developmentally.

I really wouldn't be surprised if it all starts to look better once you're working, simply because you'll be back in the groove of having more in common day to day.

I found maternity leaves difficult from that point of view. Not being at home with my babies, I loved that, but when my DH walked in at the end of the day, it was just glaringly obvious that our days were so different! He would have had the intellectual stimulation, and adult company, I'd be looking to him for a bit of that, and he'd be happy to wind down and just be home! Once I was working again, I think we were better able to appreciate how the day had been for eachother, we were more 'in tune' and weekends felt different too. When you're at home all the time, the trouble is, the weekends can just seem like more of the same.

[AlisonDubois]

Think it's really sad that so many fathers show such little interest in their own children.
Do they honestly not realise that this will come back to bite them on the arse later in life. I mean, if my dad practically ignored me to go off and play sport rather than be with me as a young child, then if I turned round to him when he was old and frail and needed me to look after him, I think I would be perfectly within my rights to tell him to get stretched, basically.
Parents cannot just carry on with their pre lives, no matter how much the media tells us that having kids does not have to change your life. It does change it, for the better mostly, but men just don't seem to get this, and carry on being self centred like they were pre child.
Well all I can say is it's their loss when their kids don't want to know them later in life.

[AlisonDubois]

LeQueen...I keep trying to point this out to my DH who lives life as a pre-childer, but he carries on regardless.
He already has very little contact with his 19 year old from previous relationship because he was too busy playing sports to spend time with him.
Thought he would have got the message by now and not make same mistakes with our 3. Sadly he hasn't. Still, his loss!

[mummytime]

OP if your husband is part of a church then maybe you can use the church to talk to him (although I know some churches aren't very good on family life).

I think you need to have a talk and discuss how you feel, and set aside times for you to go out individually, times to be together as a family, and times for you to be a couple. Make it clear what you expect, and then listen to him about what he wants/expects.

You really do need to have a dialogue.

[ambersmummy68]

It takes two to make a baby, and it SHOULD in theory take two parents to raise one! Very concerned that there appears to be two people living separate lives here. Almost like housemates rather than partners and parents? You either break the cycle or break up?? Resentment can fester and grow within you like a cancer if you don't urgently sort this out........ NOW!!!!!!

[mathanxiety]

He's not just acting like a single man, though -- he's acting like a single man who has a servant to cook and clean his digs and do the laundry. If he was a single man he'd be a bit more tied to home as he'd have to do some of these things for himself...

He's acting like a spoiled twat.

At this point he either gets that he's part the grown up element of a family or he continues to be allowed to behave as if he's some sort of income-earning teenager still living at home with mummy and some baby.

So no more domestic services for your DH at all. No cooked meals for him. No washing done. Make it clear that he has to do those things himself -- mealplanning, shopping and cooking can be shared week by week or every other day. And go out twice a week yourself, with him either arranging the sitter and forking over money, or 'babysitting' himself.

[2rebecca]

I could understand his reaction if the baby was unplanned or you were the one desperate for a baby and he wasn't, but if the baby was planned by both of you then I'm surprised you didn't discuss "life after baby" in more detail.
My eldest was colicky so no way would my husband have been going out regularly leaving me with a crying baby.
I'd be telling him that you need him to stay in with you more and support you and start going out more on your own so he realises that looking after baby can be hard work.
I think after you have kids you often do go out more individually, although I'd book a babysitter a couple of times a month to go out together.
I'm surprised you've waitied this long to discuss it with him.

[SonicMiddleAge]

My friend?s husband was like this, and I remember thinking if it was me I?d have blown my top, cried nagged etc, and I?d had been justified, but probably unsuccessful. Anyway, she did it very differently ? brought him into looking after the baby, giving him the ?fun? bits, bathtimes etc etc, praised him for doing what I would have considered (less than) the bare minimum and so on. And then went away for a fortnight with work when the baby was around nine months, (and told both her parents and ILs NOT to go and stay).

I also think however that the ?get your own time? and don?t do anything for him bits of advice in the long run won?t work ? presuming that what you want is a functioning family unit, not further separation of your lives. (But can see it might be desirable in the short term for your own sanity)

[ChocolateMoose]

If I were you I would write down exactly what the problem is and give it to him to have a think about.

So for example, out of all his 'out of work' time, how many hours does he spend having fun, when you are home alone / looking after DS and how many hours is he at home with you?

How many hours free time do you get on your own?

How many hours a week are you on duty with DS compared to his work hours? (and what about sleep)

Then ask him whether he thinks this is fair, whether he understands why you feel lonely and unsupported, and whether he intends to carry on doing as little in the way of childcare when you go back to work.

Give him that, and tell him you don't want an answer straight away, give him some time to think about it.

OK, he might not want to spend time looking after a baby and feel that he's not any good at it. That's not unusual. But he's your husband, he should want to spend time with you, and he should NOT be leaving you to pick up all the crap stuff that comes with having a baby with zero support from him.

[Onetoomanycornettos]

To me, the problem is that he's not spending time with the baby on his own, so he's probably not that bonded yet and seeing the potential for having fun with him and as a family. This is easily solved. You plan a weekend or even a day away in a few weeks time, let him know when it is, and just go, even if you cry lots as you leave. This will force him into actually coming face to face with the LO and, my guess would be, he'll actually start to get the whole baby thing and start to take pride in being a dad.

My husband was pretty much the same for the first year, except his was work not going out. In the end, I told him I wasn't happy with the pattern, and agreed which nights he'd be back on (so, Thurs eve, Sat even and all of Sun day). I'd also take the baby along to some of his events too, to show that there doesn't have to be a complete separation between family life and social life.

But I do think you have to force him into some one-to-one time with the baby when you are not there, even for a few hours/evening/day out. That way his bonds will grow and hanging out with the mates will seem less important. Kind of crap we have to do this, I thought being a dad would be more instant for my husband, but he needed a year or so to get the hang of it. Now he's very hands on though and takes the girls everywhere with him (work, friends, out and about) so I don't think you should be too pessimistic yet...

[Onetoomanycornettos]

SonicMiddleAge, I went for a combination of both, telling my husband that he HAD to do more childcare, but also praising him and simply leaving him to it from about six months in. I had to finish an important project, so him and DD1 started going out together for days out so I could work and it was the making of him as a father. There are many ways to skin a cat and it depends on what works best with your partner, threats or incentives or just having to do it as they have no choice!