How can I make DH interested in family life?

[pinkypanther]

Our long-awaited DC was born earlier this year and I have been struggling ever since then to interest DH in having a life as a family.

Before DS was born, we both had very active social lives, with lots of friends in common and separate friends too. We were out most nights in the week, together and separately.

Now my life is very different (can't really go out unless it is to someone's house when I can take DS and put him to sleep in another room) but DH's is much the same. He goes out to the pub several times a week, plus gigs, seeing friends etc.

This means he rarely sees DS in the evenings, and almost never gets up with DS - who is a very early waker - in the morning, either during the week or at the weekend (he has done it a handful of times since DS has been born). As a result I am knackered and feel like I am permanently on duty with DS with no break.

This weekend DH is away on a cycling weekend with his mates. He called just now and told me he was thinking of calling the church band leader (he plays in a band at our church) to say he could play tomorrow evening. This would entail yet another evening out for him. I suggested to him that actually, having been away all weekend and not having seen me or DS, he might like to come home and spend some time with us. He got the hump over that and behaved like I was trying to tell him what to do.

The thing is, I don't want to tell him what to do, I want him to willingly spend time with me and DS as a family and he just doesn't see it as a priority. I am about this and don't know what to do anymore...

Sorry, bit long and rambling I know.

[Onetoomanycornettos]

SonicMiddleAge, I went for a combination of both, telling my husband that he HAD to do more childcare, but also praising him and simply leaving him to it from about six months in. I had to finish an important project, so him and DD1 started going out together for days out so I could work and it was the making of him as a father. There are many ways to skin a cat and it depends on what works best with your partner, threats or incentives or just having to do it as they have no choice!

[Onetoomanycornettos]

To me, the problem is that he's not spending time with the baby on his own, so he's probably not that bonded yet and seeing the potential for having fun with him and as a family. This is easily solved. You plan a weekend or even a day away in a few weeks time, let him know when it is, and just go, even if you cry lots as you leave. This will force him into actually coming face to face with the LO and, my guess would be, he'll actually start to get the whole baby thing and start to take pride in being a dad.

My husband was pretty much the same for the first year, except his was work not going out. In the end, I told him I wasn't happy with the pattern, and agreed which nights he'd be back on (so, Thurs eve, Sat even and all of Sun day). I'd also take the baby along to some of his events too, to show that there doesn't have to be a complete separation between family life and social life.

But I do think you have to force him into some one-to-one time with the baby when you are not there, even for a few hours/evening/day out. That way his bonds will grow and hanging out with the mates will seem less important. Kind of crap we have to do this, I thought being a dad would be more instant for my husband, but he needed a year or so to get the hang of it. Now he's very hands on though and takes the girls everywhere with him (work, friends, out and about) so I don't think you should be too pessimistic yet...

[ChocolateMoose]

If I were you I would write down exactly what the problem is and give it to him to have a think about.

So for example, out of all his 'out of work' time, how many hours does he spend having fun, when you are home alone / looking after DS and how many hours is he at home with you?

How many hours free time do you get on your own?

How many hours a week are you on duty with DS compared to his work hours? (and what about sleep)

Then ask him whether he thinks this is fair, whether he understands why you feel lonely and unsupported, and whether he intends to carry on doing as little in the way of childcare when you go back to work.

Give him that, and tell him you don't want an answer straight away, give him some time to think about it.

OK, he might not want to spend time looking after a baby and feel that he's not any good at it. That's not unusual. But he's your husband, he should want to spend time with you, and he should NOT be leaving you to pick up all the crap stuff that comes with having a baby with zero support from him.

[SonicMiddleAge]

My friend?s husband was like this, and I remember thinking if it was me I?d have blown my top, cried nagged etc, and I?d had been justified, but probably unsuccessful. Anyway, she did it very differently ? brought him into looking after the baby, giving him the ?fun? bits, bathtimes etc etc, praised him for doing what I would have considered (less than) the bare minimum and so on. And then went away for a fortnight with work when the baby was around nine months, (and told both her parents and ILs NOT to go and stay).

I also think however that the ?get your own time? and don?t do anything for him bits of advice in the long run won?t work ? presuming that what you want is a functioning family unit, not further separation of your lives. (But can see it might be desirable in the short term for your own sanity)

[2rebecca]

I could understand his reaction if the baby was unplanned or you were the one desperate for a baby and he wasn't, but if the baby was planned by both of you then I'm surprised you didn't discuss "life after baby" in more detail.
My eldest was colicky so no way would my husband have been going out regularly leaving me with a crying baby.
I'd be telling him that you need him to stay in with you more and support you and start going out more on your own so he realises that looking after baby can be hard work.
I think after you have kids you often do go out more individually, although I'd book a babysitter a couple of times a month to go out together.
I'm surprised you've waitied this long to discuss it with him.

[mathanxiety]

He's not just acting like a single man, though -- he's acting like a single man who has a servant to cook and clean his digs and do the laundry. If he was a single man he'd be a bit more tied to home as he'd have to do some of these things for himself...

He's acting like a spoiled twat.

At this point he either gets that he's part the grown up element of a family or he continues to be allowed to behave as if he's some sort of income-earning teenager still living at home with mummy and some baby.

So no more domestic services for your DH at all. No cooked meals for him. No washing done. Make it clear that he has to do those things himself -- mealplanning, shopping and cooking can be shared week by week or every other day. And go out twice a week yourself, with him either arranging the sitter and forking over money, or 'babysitting' himself.

[ambersmummy68]

It takes two to make a baby, and it SHOULD in theory take two parents to raise one! Very concerned that there appears to be two people living separate lives here. Almost like housemates rather than partners and parents? You either break the cycle or break up?? Resentment can fester and grow within you like a cancer if you don't urgently sort this out........ NOW!!!!!!

[mummytime]

OP if your husband is part of a church then maybe you can use the church to talk to him (although I know some churches aren't very good on family life).

I think you need to have a talk and discuss how you feel, and set aside times for you to go out individually, times to be together as a family, and times for you to be a couple. Make it clear what you expect, and then listen to him about what he wants/expects.

You really do need to have a dialogue.

[AlisonDubois]

LeQueen...I keep trying to point this out to my DH who lives life as a pre-childer, but he carries on regardless.
He already has very little contact with his 19 year old from previous relationship because he was too busy playing sports to spend time with him.
Thought he would have got the message by now and not make same mistakes with our 3. Sadly he hasn't. Still, his loss!

[AlisonDubois]

Think it's really sad that so many fathers show such little interest in their own children.
Do they honestly not realise that this will come back to bite them on the arse later in life. I mean, if my dad practically ignored me to go off and play sport rather than be with me as a young child, then if I turned round to him when he was old and frail and needed me to look after him, I think I would be perfectly within my rights to tell him to get stretched, basically.
Parents cannot just carry on with their pre lives, no matter how much the media tells us that having kids does not have to change your life. It does change it, for the better mostly, but men just don't seem to get this, and carry on being self centred like they were pre child.
Well all I can say is it's their loss when their kids don't want to know them later in life.

[violethill]

Don't feel guilty! Actually from the baby's point of view it's probably better earlier, as around a year (which many mums seem to do these days) is apparently the most difficult stage developmentally.

I really wouldn't be surprised if it all starts to look better once you're working, simply because you'll be back in the groove of having more in common day to day.

I found maternity leaves difficult from that point of view. Not being at home with my babies, I loved that, but when my DH walked in at the end of the day, it was just glaringly obvious that our days were so different! He would have had the intellectual stimulation, and adult company, I'd be looking to him for a bit of that, and he'd be happy to wind down and just be home! Once I was working again, I think we were better able to appreciate how the day had been for eachother, we were more 'in tune' and weekends felt different too. When you're at home all the time, the trouble is, the weekends can just seem like more of the same.

[pinkypanther]

There are some really useful responses here - thank you all. Feel a bit sad though that there are lots of exes like this, sounds like it's terminal for a relationship...

I can leave DS as he is now almost 6 months, usually goes to sleep by 7.30pm, and doesn't want a feed till he wakes up at 5am (and takes a bottle anyway). So I could go out for the evening, but...

More than all this, I would like us to have time as a family unit - not just me going out on my own (well not on my own but without him and DS).

Susiedaisy - you have hit the nail on the head - if I raise it with him, he'll try for a week or two then things will be the same again.

Violethill - yes I am going back to work, am feeling guilty about that as am going back three months before I need to, but for my own sanity really.

[violethill]

It's tricky, because it sounds from your OP as though you have chosen for your life to change massively from how it was before children, and it's likely that he just doesn't agree that it needs to change that much.

I'm not making excuses for selfish behaviour, but tbh, there is no reason to go from both being great socialites, out every night, to you never going anywhere. I know having children changes things, but to an extent it's up to you how much you let them change things. There is nothing to stop you getting a babysitter for example, rather than feeling you have to drag your child with you. Even if you still bf, you can express milk.You don't say the baby's age but if a few months or more, than frankly, he probably won't even need a feed if you arrange your evening carefully. You could book the cinema or a meal out, and be there and back within 3 hours.

Are you going back to work? Because that's another thing that will redress the balance and make you feel your life has changed less since having a child.

I do think alongside this, you need to talk to your DH about how you feel, and insist that he does some babysitting so you still get your time out too. But I think there are two sides to this. If you have been quite happy to give up going out, then you have allowed your life to diverge a lot from how you were before, and it may just be that your dh doesnt want to.

My DH adored our kids, but it never stopped us wanting a social life still. You just work around it.

[SolidGoldBrass]

WHy not counter ' You just don't want me to enjoy myself' with 'Well you clearly don't want me to enjoy myself EVER, because you never do your share of the work.'

[Fontella]

Can totally sympathise with this. My ex just carried on like a single bloke after we had our kids - nothing changed in his life, everything changed in mine. He'd coo, bounce them on his knee for about 10 minutes a day, but that was about as far as his parenting went and he'd be off out again with his mates like some big kid. He was 30 when our first was born, I hasted to add!!

Whenever I challenged him about how he was carrying on (doing what he wanted, when he wanted) his response was 'you just don't want me to enjoy myself'. How can you respond to that?

When he went off on one of his social activities or whatever, I made the decision that I wasn't just going to sit there like a mug. As soon as he'd gone out, I'd pack a bag, put the kids in the car and drive to my parents 50 miles away. They were always happy to see us, my mum would look after DC while I worked (self-employed) and it was a much happier environment for the children anyway. Next day I'd invariably get the outraged call 'why aren't you here?' and if I told him once, I told him a thousand times that if he thought I was going to sit in the house, trying to work (I was self employed), look after two toddlers and do everything else, while he swanned off out all the time he had another think coming.

I went back after a few days each time ... but in the end I totally lost any respect or 'love' I had for him and we split up when DC were 6 and 4. He's got a new wife and family now and sees DC once in a blue moon.

[Bobbalina]

I think your lives would balance up far better if you both worked the same number of hours and divided childcare and housework 50/50

[ambersmummy68]

So sorry but the bottom line is here that hubby is acting like a single man. He isn't a single but you have to say to him that you might as well be a single parent! Some people are givers and some are takers. this selfish husband is a taker. Write a list of things you do for him and your child, then another list of what HE DOES? Show it to him!! Im sorry to say but you have to give him a "you better change things or its over chat!". If you don't its only going to get worse!! Good luck.

[susiedaisy]

there are some great responses to this post but the trouble is if it was as easy as asking her H to do stuff with the DC and stay in once in a while she would not be posting, (dont mean to be rude) i am in same boat i talk to H he listens says things back that he thinks i want to hear, mucks in for a week or two and slowly when he thinks i have got over my 'hissy' fit he slopes back to doing his own thing, and this cycle can go on for years, and it is hard to give them the heave ho when you still love them, now i am not saying put up with it, but it is very hard when all you want them to do is to love being part of a family unit,but unfortunately other posters are right it can go on for years and some men never want to be involved with family life, i would hazard a guess there are millions of women in the same boat.

[luciemule]

He does sound selfish and quite like my DH is many ways.
I think men remain little boys for a lot of their adult life and don't like to admit top the fact that they have responsibilities.

Not sure how old your baby is but I know from experience that DHs can feel left out after the birth of the baby and often jealous. They had you all to themself in their 'life before kids' and now, he has to share you with a baby. You need to get someone to look after dc and book a nice romantic meal out for just the two of you. Then tell him your worries but without 'blaming' him or he will feel like you're telling him off.

I think he's burying his head in the sand and trying to live his single life as a way to escape feeling left out.
My DH felt left out and didn't tell me when I was breastfeeding DD. he said he wanted to help do something and I just took it all board myself; leaving him feeling redundant to the point of him getting depression (I already had pnd). I then began thinking of us as a family and involving him more with the baby and he warmed up.

[Portofino]

I can't believe how mild some of the responses have been! He sounds like a selfish twunt! Discount DS for a mo, does he spend any time with YOU?

I would be sitting him down to ask some serious questions. This behaviour is NOT acceptable quite frankly.

[SolidGoldBrass]

I agree with the posters who say you should first prioritize some childfree time for yourself ie leave the baby with your DH and go out. Though I appreciate this may be a problem if you are BF and baby is not yet weaned (you say your DS is less than a year old) - but can you get an hour or two between feeds? or will DS take expressed milk in a bottle? Start with that, to get him to appreciate the concept of fairness - that you are not there just to do all the childcare while he does what he likes. If he digs his toes in and won't co-operate then you will know that you have married a selfish sexist or at least a man who thinks that childcare is your job, and you can decide whether he has good qualities enough to make you want to put up with living like this.

[AlisonDubois]

My DH same. Continues to live single life as before DC's.
Give him the heave ho. Men who show no interest in their own kids are a waste of space IMO.