Missed out on house because of too much stress

[CadburySpira]

DH and I are looking at moving house, we have been approved for a mortgage of 400k which only just about gets us a 3 bed semi in our area. We have been in our 2 bed terrace for about 15 years. We found a house we both really liked, had a second viewing and had pretty much decided to offer when DH had a panic attack in the middle of the night. It was a really bad one and took a while for him to calm down, he was so scared. The stress of all the costs was the main reason, being tied into a mortgage for the next 25 years, using all of our savings we’ve saved so hard for on all the moving costs.

So anyway we missed out on the house because by the time he’d got his head together (about a week) someone else had offered. It’s not his fault at all, but I’m kind of gutted as we both really liked this house and I can’t see anything as big coming up in our price range, prices seem to be slowly creeping up in our area and I’m getting myself worried that we’re going to be priced out of the market. Does moving house cause other people so much stress and worry?

Being stuck in our tiny 2 bed is making me depressed but then the stress of moving is causing DH anxiety. Anyway, not sure what I’m asking, I just can’t talk to anyone in real life because DH and his panic attack/anxiety is his private business, and I know we’re lucky to even be thinking about a bigger house so I can’t really talk to friends who can’t afford to move.

[kjhkj]

You seem to be projecting dollydaydreams The OP hasn't said she has children and neither has she said she's been "putting up with her husbands behavouirs for years"

She has said he's suffered with anxiety for a long time which is logical because its that sort of condition. As such, I think its short sighted to think its going to go away once the pressure is really on and they're burdened with the debt.

[MyDcAreMarvel]

So maybe you should read properly @DollyDaydreamss

[MyDcAreMarvel]

She states it's causing her depression and preventing her from living the life her and her children deserve.
The op has no children.

[DollyDaydreamss]

@kjhkj oh give it a rest. I wasn't saying my husband was perfect if you'd bothered to read properly. I was merely highlighting that it's unusual indeed for a grown man to cry and not be able to breathe for an entire week over a potential house move and that most men would not do this

The poor op has been putting up with her husbands behaviours for years. She states it's causing her depression and preventing her from living the life her and her children deserve.

Now, if you're such placed that you'd tolerate this for yourself then great. I happen to think differently. I support the OP entirely and have little sympathy for her 2am wailing husband

[kjhkj]

Dollydaydreamss what a twattish thing to say. Just because your perfect husband hasn't suffered with mental health issues that doesn't mean others don't and it doesn't mean he won't in the future.

OP you clearly want to move. I see your side and as someone who loves property and would be excited at the thought of a new bigger house project to take on I can see your side of things. However if your DH is suffering with anxiety and stress over this already then theres a very good chance that will continue if you push him to go ahead. I think you need to sit tight until he is ready.

[Mosaic123]

Suggest he looks into the Government's Rent a Room Scheme. If you were struggling, a lodger could move in and you could receive the first £7,500 of his rent tax free. Good if you are a higher rate tax payer.

[blue25]

That is a huge mortgage to be fair. It would make me anxious, but I’ve always been keen to get our mortgage paid off ASAP.

The worry is If interest rates go up or one of you can’t work. Will it still be affordable then?

[johnd2]

Well isn't your husband brilliant, i hope he never has a mental health issue as it doesn't sound like you'd be much support to him.

[DollyDaydreamss]

@johnd2 yeah I'm aware of MH conditions. However my sympathy lies with the OP, stuck in a house she can't move out of due to her husband crying and hyperventilating in the middle of the night. I would be supportive and I'd be encouraging him to seek help but I do find it baffling. It's not the norm. My husband doesn't do it for example and I don't think he's unusual in that!

It's good to hear that you'd be very sympathetic to someone blocking your own happiness because they cry over a house move

[johnd2]

Sorry i misremembered it's one in four, and that's per year not in your life
www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/statistics-and-facts-about-mental-health/how-common-are-mental-health-problems/

[johnd2]

@DollyDaydreamss if you find mental health issues totally baffling you might want to learn a bit more before making that comment. The rest of your advice on that reply is good but people with mental health issues need understanding not that kind of response. One in 3 of us will have mental health issues in our life and when it happens to you or a loved one you will hope for support more than if it were a broken leg!

[Cocobean30]

@CadburySpira aw bless him, I know exactly what he means, it does feel like you’re losing it but it always passes, he can hold on to that. He is ‘lucky’ in a way that you have experienced a panic attack, as you understand. You’re so right, no one understands unless they’ve been through it. Best of luck finding a lovely new house

[CadburySpira]

Thank you for the YouTube ideas, we will try those out. TBH I can understand only having them when the big stuff comes along, it’s all pretty scary!

Exercising gently is a good call, I thought it had to be fast to release the adrenaline but you’re probably right that gentle is just as good, he’s going to join my gym and use the exercise bike so he can do that gently and watch the football at the same time so win win!

That is so right what you say about it not being ‘him’ or ‘his mind’ because that is exactly what he was saying to me mid-panic attack. He was saying ‘I’ve lost my mind’ ‘this is it now, I’ve gone’ it was so upsetting to see and it’s no wonder it took him a few days to come down from. I had a panic attack myself a couple of years ago so actually that helped me understand because the fear I felt was overwhelming but so hard to describe to anyone.

[Cocobean30]

@CadburySpira aw that’s great that you have back up options, he will get through it. In terms of controlling attacks I’m afraid I don’t take any medication as I’ve had bad experiences. I eat healthy etc and limit caffeine and sugar.

The best thing to control them for me is to listen to YouTube videos when I have panic attacks (they always happen at night) that talk me down and help me fall asleep. Maybe that would be help him. ‘Calm sleep stories’ on YouTube and also ‘deep relaxation for anxiety and panic attacks’. I’m lucky as I don’t get panic attacks on a day to day basis, it’s big things that stress me out, like moving, wanting to have a baby but then waking up in the night panicking that I could be pregnant , new jobs, existential crisis
Exercising gently (not so hard that heart pounds heavily as that just reminds me of a panic attack) is great because you can use up the adrenaline from the panic. Also remembering that attacks are just hormones and adrenaline and not ‘you’ or ‘your mind’ and they have to pass. Seeing a counsellor will definitely help him.

[CadburySpira]

Thank you so much Cocobean30 they are all very good tips, we are lucky enough that we have lots of back-up options, I have been reassuring him of all these. He, like you, is determined not to let the anxiety rule his life, he’s been bottling things up up until now but he’s had his wake-up call. Can I ask if there is anything you do regularly to control your panic attacks?

[Cocobean30]

I really feel for you OP, and your DH. I suffer form panic attacks when it comes to big life changes. I recently moved to a rent to buy property where me and my partner will be saving to buy it, the day we finally viewed the house I had a panic attack as it was becoming real and for some reason big changes just really trigger me. However I still moved as I have learnt now that I just have to plough on and the reality is never as bad as the panic attack (had it my entire life and you have to learn to ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’ and it always works out!

What helps me get through the panic is telling myself that if it doesn’t work out there are always options, I can always move/rent instead of having a mortgage. Please don’t get me wrong though, it never reaches that point as once I have adjusted to the change I’m fine. With panic attacks you always need to have a rational thought to counter act the panic, perhaps your DH could try to remember that you can sell the house if the payments become too much/downsize again (I am NOT saying this will happen or he will even want to do that once he has adjusted, he just needs something to anchor him during the horror that is panic attacks) he needs an escape route per se to calm his mind, even if you’re never going to use the escape route

[Boredbumhead]

What's for you won't go by you. Something better will come along. Buying a house is almost never s bad choice. You need something to live in and you can always sell it on or downsize. It's inevitably an investment.

[CadburySpira]

Thank you Bluntness all good ideas, we will go through all of that. He is a sensible man and he understands all this, he wants to move, just the anxiety got the better of him. Hopefully now he has started to deal with it, when another property comes up that we feel the same way about, he’ll be able to cope.

[kjhkj]

Seriously though, unless you are on joint incomes of 120k ish that's a big mortgage. I know people borrow more nowadays but I'm not surprised your DH is stressed. Interest rates are at a crazily low rate. They can only go up. If your payments are going to be a lot more anyway how will you cope if the interest rates go up to 6% which is an average long term rate?

I can remember when we bought our last house getting a 6% rate and thinking it was really good.

[waspfig]

My DH started to have panic attacks a couple of years ago OP. Not to do with a house purchase but small things built his anxiety over time until the panic set in. I doubt this is a sign your DH doesn't want to move, but a more general issue with his rising anxiety levels.

DH had a course of CBT counselling and things improved rapidly. He learnt strategies to cope with his anxiety and started to recognise it quicker.

I hope your DH can get some help to move past this issue.

[kjhkj]

what are your incomes and how old are you both?

[Bluntness100]

Can you try some positives with him?

For example a 200 k property that gains ten percent makes you 20k.
A four hundred one makes you forty. That the equity you can use to downsize in retirement. That the money you pay in the mortgage will be offset by the increased equity you get? That property if in it for the long term always increases in price?

What you will do with the extra space, who you will have over etc? Get him excited about it? Talk about the money you'd have made if you bought two years ago?

Then talk about how youll loose out, be priced out the market if you don't move fast?

Don't focus on the last property, it will make him feel shit. And he will then try to mentally justify to himself why he was right.

Then start looking at other properties, get him excited?

Then handle most of it yourself.

[kjhkj]

I think you need to consider this very carefully. DH is clearly worried about it and taking on a commitment which lasts for 25 years but which your DH clearly finds very stressful is a bad move.

Though TBH I think anyone buying at the moment is crackers. If you don't need to move then why wouldn't you wait until we have a bit more certainty around the brexit repercussions.

[CadburySpira]

DollyDaydreamss thank you, that’s what we’re going to try to do. It’s a lot of money and it’s a lot of stress, but other people manage it. The alternative is just to stay here for the rest of our lives which is just letting the anxiety win. He has put a lot of things in motion already, he’s started exercising, given up caffeine, trying CBD, and organised a counsellor, I’ve not done any of that, he has, because it has to come from him.

[CadburySpira]

Thank you OnlyFools DH has always been an anxious person, he knows that, but he just puts up with it. The panic attack has been a reminder to him that he does consciously need to do something about it, things seem so much worse when you bottle them up and he’s clearly been doing so for a long time.