My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

Primary education

DD not wanting to be friends with girl in her class, other mum pushing them together.

51 replies

StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 23/10/2009 11:13

My DD (9) started at a new primary school last Easter. Its a small school so not manygirs in her year. At first she seemed quite friendly with one girl, X. X's mum was really pleased about this and told me she was worried that X doesn't seem to have friends so she's hoping that my DD and her DD will become best friends.

After a few weeks another mum asked how my DD was finding X as most of the other girls find her annoying. I said that my DD seemed to be getting on fine with her.

Well a few weeks ago my DD started saying that she was now finding X annoying and didn't want to be friends anymore. I was worried that DD might just be joining in with other girls who don't like X. I would hate for X to be getting bullied. However my DD has given examples of things that X has done which in all honesty I would find annoying. I told DD to be kind to X and reminded her that it wouldn't be nice if X didn't have anyone to play with. DD asked why she should play with someone she doesn't like. Which I think is a fair point. She promises she's not been mean to her, but just doesn't want to play with her anymore.

Now the other mum is still inviting DD round for tea. I've made excuses once but I'm worried that I can't keep making excuses. DD is adament she doesn't want to go. Do I just tell her that they don't seem to be getting on and that my DD doesn't want to come?

OP posts:
Report
seeker · 23/10/2009 21:58

dandeliontea - I honestly didn't see your post. If I had, I would have just said that I agreed with you.

Maybe it was because I started my post with something about going against the flow (which I thought I was) that made people agree with me?

Report
StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 23/10/2009 22:03

The annoying things aren't too bad I suppose. Though maybe they are to a 9 year old. DD says that if she tells people that she got a rabbit at the weekend then X will turn round and say that she just got 10 rabbits. DD asked me "why does X lie all the time?"

She came round here for tea and they were upstairs and X was getting all of DD's clothes out the wardrobe and trying them on. DD says she didn't want her to and asked her not to but she ignored her. I did tell DD that it won't hurt her to let X try her clothes on. However she did make a right mess and just left everything screwed up in a big pile which I think DD found annoying.

DD says if a game is been played in the playground then X will come and join in and not stick to the rules which have been agreed. So they're all playing a game where they're people and X will insist she's a dog. It all sounds quite petty to be honest but maybe not if you're 9.

I think the thing she finds worst is the constant competing, especially when so much of it is made up.

There are 5 girls in the year I think, maybe 6.

OP posts:
Report
Clary · 23/10/2009 22:04

danelion tea not having a go honestly.

tbh this whole thread is rather foreign to me as cannot imagine my DC not wanting to go to someone's (anyone's!) house for tea. They are just nosey I think. Like me.

Report
Oblomov · 23/10/2009 22:09

dandelion, no i certainly wasn't having a go either.

Stripey-spotty. oh dear. 5 is so few.

Report
Clary · 23/10/2009 22:16

stripey sound sto me like she is desperately trying to fit in and dosen't quite know how to do it.

5 or 6 in the year is really not many.

It's a shame they can't be one big friendship group

V difficult situation

Report
Clary · 23/10/2009 22:17

sorry rubbish typing have been drinking wine and not use to it

Report
Uriel · 23/10/2009 22:22

Sounds like X's mum could do with reading that book about the rules of friendship or somesuch.

It'd annoy me if someone wanted to come round and try all my clothes on and didn't stop when I asked.

Report
CristinaTheAstonishing · 23/10/2009 22:23

% or 6 is a v small group. I think X's life will be miserable at school. You say your DD liked her to start with? What has changed? Have X's lies become more extravagant?

I also think other mums saying how X is annoying is a shitty thing to do. These are 9 year olds, give them some space.

Report
JackBauWooohooohoowaaer · 23/10/2009 22:32

dandelion, sorry if it did toucha nerve, it honestly didnt mean to. And my next post was written under the influence of soem rather nice Cabernet sauvignon

It does soudn like X is just trying too hard TBH, and I wouldn't be surprised if the others are shutting her out as has been suggested.

Report
StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 24/10/2009 17:41

Thanks for the advice. I'm going to have a chat with DD and tell her hat maybe X is just trying a bit hard and that if DD is friendly with her then maybe she will stop the attention seeking.

I don't know if X has got worse with stuff recently. Maybe DD was just glad for anyone to be friendly with her when she staretd even if htey were annoying - which is more reason for DD to be friendly to her now as X was nice to her when she started.

OP posts:
Report
Qally · 28/10/2009 19:46

Can I suggest you ask X for cinema trips, swimming etc. rather than just "to play"? And suggest to her mum that as they aren't getting on so well at the moment that may be a better way to see if it works itself out naturally? That way there's less irritation potential but she isn't being excluded either, iyswim. And her mother will probably be grateful for the effort on your part- I would; it's my big fear for the future as a parent of a toddler, too.

I do sympathise with your dd; annoying companions gall us all (my MIL and hours together are a recipe for sheer hell...) but at the same time, that poor little girl. Her snnoying traits are possibly because she is friendless, rather than vice versa. Can't be fab for social skills development to have a group overtly exclude you, and she is perhaps clingy/contradictory as a way to deal with it. (Is that possible? Or is the annoying behaviour not fileable under that heading?)

Report
madamearcati · 28/10/2009 20:11

I know from bitter experience that you can't force friendships.I have before invited a child back because I feel sorry for them ,against a DCs wishes.It is then very awkward for the child when your own DC detests them .

Report
CristinaTheAstonishing · 28/10/2009 21:11

mADAMEARCATI - i don't think this girl is detestable, after all, the OP's daughter liked her to start with. Just that now, in comparison with the others she isn't as cool etc. Was good enough just weeks ago though.

Report
FimbleHobbs · 29/10/2009 14:24

I have moved schools a fair few times. Being 'the new girl' friendship groups are usually already established and you often end up paired with 'the girl that needs a friend' - its a bit miserable to be be honest. If your daughter is now settled enough to be making friends of her own I wouldn't undermine this by insisting that she has tea with X.
I do feel for X and I would keep talking to your DD about being kind to others etc but I wouldn't force a friendship.

Report
Cortina · 29/10/2009 15:16

I was X and my face didn't fit - I was also hideous with permanent green snot . The behaviour of X sounds like me a the same age. No one wanted to be friends with me because I used to push in the points of their felt tips (too heavy handed not malicious) and so on! I can smile now

Thing is it's a self fulfilling prophecy when no one gives you a break, you can get 'odder' in the eyes of everyone else including the teachers.

I can see that you don't want to force the friendship. X needs a buddy though and I can't help but think the teacher should know how the others see her.

How would you feel if your child was X? What do parents do if they have an X? It sounds like she doesn't know what socially appropriate perhaps? She needs support and I really feel for her.

Report
Cortina · 29/10/2009 15:55

A possible outcome for X...

(Bear with me while I give you a rundown of what happened to me, if I can save another 'X' from the same fate I will. Shows how these things can snowball):

X has felt a bit of a loser for a while. She's only 8 but her Mum won't get her a Wombles bag. What's wrong with a sturdy rucksack she says. Practical lace up brown shoes are fine, hardy and long lasting.

She goes around to Judith's house and they play with Barbie. X tries to plait Barbie's hair but it all gets tangled and messy, she can't get the hang of it somehow. X's nose runs and she picks up the old tissue in her pocket, her nose is red raw it always runs these days. Thing is her Mum never did playdates before reception and so these germs seem to get to her more than others.

X has tea. Judith is beautiful with lovely manners. X can't get to grips with her fork and oh no, all the peas have gone over the shag pile. Judith and her Mum exchange knowing glances! They think X doesn't notice.

X is allowed to play with Judith's stereo. Judith asks her to switch it on but she presses the button too hard and it seems to have broken. Judith and her Mum are very angry.

X loves Judith's Mum's battenberg cake and her lovely home. She thanks Judith's Mum for having her just as her Mum has taught her. Judith sniggers.

They go on a school trip, everyone is excited. The kids can choose room mates. Judith promises to share a room with her, X is over the moon. Oh no! Judith has changed her mind she wants to go with Jo and Jenny (those with the Wombles and Barbies). X is going to be put with Clarissa Carter the prettiest girl in her year. X is privately a bit worried but what choice does she have?

X gets put with Clarissa and her two besties. They all have cool clothes. X has well made 'sensible' clothes chosen by her mother! They have long lustrous locks, X has a sensible, low maintenance, rather severe bob.

They gang up and pretend X has eaten the sweets they had stashed under the bed. What a scream! X gets the blame after the teacher was consulted by Clarissa in her grown up way. X feels isolated and starts talking to herself or something annoying and odd like that!

Clarissa goes to the teacher and says that X has woken them up early every morning singing Annie songs! Guess what? The teacher lectures X thinking that good little Clarissa wouldn't make up stories, and well X is frankly, odd and annoying!

X gets punished. X feels ill. X gets terrible earache and sits on the stairs in the communal hall at 2am feeling isolated and alone and that she is annoying and odd. She wants to tell the teacher but she daren't, what if they don't believe her?

X goes back to school and it's swimming that Monday. She dreads the swimming lessons and coach trip back. Clarissa steals her knickers. Teachers don't believe that Clarissa would do this. The kids all laugh, what a scream. X reacts in an 'odd' way.

Guess what? X gets told she's careless and must have lost her knickers.

Judith, egged on by Clarissa, steals X's novelty rubber. X doesn't get Hello Kitty cool things very often, her parents don't approve so this is a prized possession. X tells the teacher, summoning up her courage. The teacher does listen but Judith insists it's hers. X thinks Judith looks a bit suss as she flushes bright scarlet. Mrs Harris decides she'll be fair. She takes her penknife and cuts Hello Kitty in half. X looks at her half Hello Kitty rubber in horror. Clarissa smiles at Judith when Mrs Harris's back is turned.

Mrs Harris has had a baby! Clarissa and her Mum buy lovely presents they wrap in glossy paper. X's Mum doesn't know about Mrs Harris's baby so X goes and takes off her ragdoll's old dress and wraps it up for Mrs Harris. Mrs Harris unwraps X's present when Clarissa and her Mum are there. Mrs Harris asks if there is a receipt and smirks and Clarissa and her Mum who can't conceal their giggles. What a hoot! Well X is frankly odd and annoying so it's ok.

There's a school play and someone has to be a diseased dog in a costume. Clarissa is the town princess in her tower who takes pity on the dog. Mrs Harris thinks it will be good for X to take part and gives her the part of the dog. Clarissa and friends think well serves X right, she's odd after all.

X gets cast as a flower fairy in the school play and has to play her recorder. Thing is she's not very good and frankly with that snotty nose she's not pretty. Mrs Harris explains that she can continue as the fairy but she can't play her recorder (Clarissa and all the others will though). Then Mrs Harris decides it would be fairer if X had a part in the chorus, how they laugh in the staff room, X as a fairy! And is there something a bit well 'odd' about her, why hasn't she mastered the recorder?

Guess what X isn't writing well! Her reports say 'her writing is well below the standard one would now expect'. Her work is spoiled by poor presentation. Mrs Harris also saw her looking odd in the school yard the other day. What she doesn't know is that X was playing with her imaginary friend Nigel the horse. Nigel has been coming to see her a lot recently, he's the only one she can talk to now.

Judith - egged on by Clarissa and Jenny - has been jogging the table when X begins to write. Mrs Harris doesn't see but X's writing looks even worse these days.

This time X does tell her Mum who goes to the school. But again it must be that X isn't writing very well and well this is true. X thinks she really is odd and not worthy of friends.

Mrs Harris thinks that X is over sensitive, quaint (what does that mean X wonders) and anxious to please. Well privately she thinks she's beyond odd.

X gets bus to school a bit later at secondary school. Every day they tell her she's odd, imitate her 'odd' voice and looks. X throws herself into her studies.

It has a good outcome (if you can call it that). X gets pretty! Suddenly Clarissa wants to be her friend? Can you believe it and X dates the best looking boy in the school. Life gets better for X, but guess what inside she feels 'odd' and has to work at social situations sometimes. What if she's not cool? What if they won't ask her to the coffee morning? After all it must be her fault at some level. Why else would no one want to invite her back to tea all those years ago? Why did the teachers believe the Clarissa and Judith?

Report
moffat · 30/10/2009 17:50

cortina - thank you for posting.

Report
onadietcokebreak · 30/10/2009 18:12

Cortina that is so so sad x

Report
junglist1 · 30/10/2009 20:20

That's a brilliant example of how girls can be.
OP, going to tea now and again won't hurt.

Report
Feelingsensitive · 30/10/2009 20:43

I am a mother of a 4 year old DD and this is one of the situations that really worry me. I have been watching this thread for a while and really wanted to post something about how would you feel if it were your daughter. Cortina's post says it all for me. It's terribly heart breaking to be the only one not included and I would hate it to my DD who was left out or the one doing the leaving out. However, I agree you can't force a friendship. As there are so few girls why not arrange an activity they are all invited to. Something where you attend and try and get them all doing something. Maybe bowling where they have to work together.

Report
CristinaTheAstonishing · 30/10/2009 22:22

Cortina It's easy enough to turn a blind eye and pretend you never knew but when you do know someone is sufferring...

Report
Cortina · 02/11/2009 10:57

Thanks for the empathy, it was thankfully a long time ago.

I would say to parents, give the 'Xs' of this world a break. Your child doesn't need to become bosom friends with them but the occasional play date isn't going to hurt.

Report
ScummyMummy · 02/11/2009 11:32

Great post, cortina.

I agree with those who are saying that an occasional playdate really can't hurt your daughter, shiney. And I think the answer to "why should I play with someone I don't like?" is that it is the kind thing to do and we should all try and be kind to each other when we can. And everyone has some good qualities, even if they are sometimes annoying. It doesn't and shouldn't have to take up a huge amount of her time.

And personally I would add a warning that you would take a very very dim view of any group meanness towards X and would be very disappointed if your daughter was a party to that. Perhaps you need to discuss some ways for her to deal with any teasing she witnesses, unless she is very socially confident already? She may be feeling some pressure to join in any ostrasizing of X that is occuring in order to maimtain her own popularity. Hey, has she read Blubber by Judy Blume? Might be a good starting point if you do need to have that kind of discussion.

Report
LuluSkipToMyLou · 02/11/2009 12:06

Cortina, been there too. Would also add that taking pity on someone and just playing with them for the sake of it can be just as painful, so please don't use that angle when asking your kids to be pleasant to X.

Report
Cortina · 02/11/2009 12:11

I know what you mean Lulu, the danger is 'X' thinks they are being patronised on some level. Not good and not advisable if the child is reluctant and shows unwilling.

If this was done with real warmth by a child that was fine with having a playdate (encouraged by a Mum who'd noticed X on their own in the playground)? A friendship could yet blossom???

Something should be done about the' Xs'. I thought that this short of thing happened far less these days, I hope I'm right.

I know in a primary school I considered all year 3s have to be 'friendship buddies' and go on playground patrol. Not sure how this works exactly, but might help nip a child's lonliness from getting worse?

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.