Do you think my son has problem with anger management? Opinion please!

[yrene1209]

Hello
I am writing to ask you ladies' opinion and any idea please.

My son is a 10year old boy, so so sweet and clever but sometime over competetive. He never shouts or misbehaves at home-he sometimes fights with 1year younger sister but I guess it happens every home with siblings.
I was called to the school several times regarding his temper control problem. Once the head teacher called me because my son blamed one of the boy who is in the same football team for losing the game. I know my son gets over competitive when he plays sports I apologised behalf of him and we had a big chat.
A few months later , I was called again because while the boys were playing cricket one boy got upset and threw a ball at my son and he punched the boy. So we apologised and I was recommended a therapist for my son.
However, I wasn't sure if it is the level that he needs to see a specialist. Some of my friends say those things happen between boys. Of course I don't agree with any physical/emotional abuse but aren't the boys still do stuffs while growing? Does it never happen with ordinary boys?
Today I was told that my son missed his football tournament chance because he argued with a boy with the football and my son headlocked the boys and hurted him. My son said it was because it was his class's turn to play football and that boy kept interupting the game with taking the ball and saying my son didnt play it well. I told him with any reason, it's upaccpetable.
But I still think when there are two boys involved the fight, isn't it fair for both of them lose the chance?
Am I too much being on my son's side?
The head teacher says when my son is upset, he is really upset and can't control his temper. He doesn't shout but he finds it difficult to explain why he is upset when he is angry. Does that mean he has a problem with temper management?
My son said kids tease him saying he can't manage his temper and it makes him so unhappy. It was so heartbreaking that he looks himself as a troubled boy and others even tease with it.
Do you have any similar stories? Can you spot out any problem I don't see? Any advice or opinion?? Anything would help. Thanks.

[Witchend]

I have a 10yo who can get very angry over football. But he does control it especially at school. I know he was one of the later ones to get that control, so I think looking for extra help for your ds is appropriate.

I would say though that yes the boy who was interrupting the game shouldn't get off scot free, but putting in a headlock and hurting him is far worse, some schools would suspend a child for that. So it is fair your ds lost the game and he didn't. Also when we were at school we were always told that playing for the school meant you were representing them for behaviour too, an they probably didn't want to risk him losing his temper against another school.
Plus, for my ds, him having lost his temper earlier would mean that he was still simmering and liable to lose it much easier later. I would support the school telling him he can't play a match in which the chance of him losing his temper again would be greatly increased.

[user789653241]

I think it's quite common at younger aged children, to lash out rather than say something.
My ds had similar problem at age 4, rather than tell them to stop winding up/ tell the teacher/ ignoring, he lashed out. (He was selective mute before and just started talking back then.)

Even at 4 year old, resulting in physical attack(pushing, throwing things, never punching or headlocking!) was unacceptable.

I think this is quite serious, if it's happening every few months. He needs to learn to express his feeling without lashing out, and it may only be possible by talking to the specialist at this age.

[brilliotic]

Agree that your DS absolutely needs to learn to deal differently with his anger.

Also agree with PP who suggests to get school to support you more. Tell them that as his problem behaviour manifests only at school, it needs to go through school channels (GP won't help).

And finally, and importantly, I think there are some things you can do while you wait for something to come through (could be a while!)

The first step is for him to recognise when he is getting angry. The second step is for him to then consciously choose what to do about it. The thing is, just telling him which behaviours aren't acceptable is not enough - the anger won't go away! He needs to be shown an acceptable way of dealing with his anger. In some circumstances this could be quite literally 'running off steam' - go for a run around the field. Or knead something. Or recite something in his head.

You could also do general impulse control exercises, e.g. BopIt.