Dreadful behaviour at school but not at home

[chloworm]

Please, please can someone offer me some advice? I feel so helpless and anxious. My little boy (5 years, July born) is really struggling with his behaviour in Year 1. I've just had the school on the phone for the upteenth time telling me he is hitting, punching, refusing to work and saying really unkind things. This has happened on and off since December. The school have put a lot of things in place for him, which worked for a while but not now. They have given him a safe space, downtime, personal timetable, reward systems and generally a lot of support. He is academically able and does not struggle with the work, when he does any! My concern is that he never once had an issue with his behaviour in Reception class. At home he is kind, gentle, happy, eager and generally a pleasure to be around. It's like he's a different child at school. Everyone he has ever been with, family, childminder, preschool, Reception class etc. all said how lovely and kind and well-behaved he was. I feel powerless as I can't be there at school to deal with this. At home we talk about feelings, read lots of stories about friendship and also have a reward system. But I can't do an awful lot else because he is so good at home and I can't punish him for something that happened hours ago at school. Should I push the school to have him assessed? I wonder what for? I never once thought my kind, happy child would be in this situation. Do you think it's to do with 'too much too soon' for a summer-born boy? I'm seriously considering asking to flexi-school (school in morning, home in afternoon). Do you think the school would go for that? I would love to home-school him but have to work p/t to put food on the table, and I love my job! Advice welcome from others in similar situation, teachers, ed psychs etc. Thanks so much in advance.

[averythinline]

along with eye tests - which I would recommend for all kids really is he getting enough food and water.....at that age my ds behaviour would plummet and it was often food related - if he hadn't eaten all his lunch- too busy chatting/distracted wanted to go play more than eat !

maybe that maybe worth looking out for..

some sounds maturity and ds year also struggled going into yr1 esp summer borns as more sitting than moving around - rather than have play down time which adds to the number of tranistions could they not just introduce more activity between blocks ds had a teacher who was very into singing/movement/kinesthetic so would mix it up a bit - even when it was just standing up and having a shake before sitting down again
this was more powerful for all the children rather than sorting an activity for just 1 child..

[averythinline]

it is also nearly half term so maybe more tired than usual ....early nights and restful time this week and for half term....

[chloworm]

Just had his half-termly report and it was absolutely shocking! The difference between this one and the last one is tremendous. He was always 'very high' for wellbeing and interaction, relationships, participation, maths etc. now he is low for everything, except reading. It's crazy! I just don't understand why the sudden change! He was OK for the first 3 months of Year 1 and the behaviour was sporadic. Now it's every day! Am dreading parents evening after half term so much. I might ask for a private room as I know I'll be in floods of tears. BTW I never, ever show my children their reports as branding children high, moderate or low is so wrong in my eyes. They even grade the parents! Children can of course be praised and encouraged, but in a child-friendly way.

[Greydiddi]

Hi OP

I just wanted to offer some sympathy as I am having exactly the same thing but with my DS in reception. His behaviour this term has taken a complete nose dive - also pushing other children, telling lies to get them into trouble. I just had parents evening which was upsetting and am also at a bit of a loss. He also is a very kind boy at home ( and previously at school!) and the teachers also seem to be struggling to understand.

One thing to check is whether he is being picked on/bullied in any way. When I saw DS teacher she said she had gone into the playground and noticed someone whispering to him before he then kicked off and said his behaviour looks like 'reaction' but they can't work out to what. Could your DS be having some friendship difficulties at all? Maybe that aren't immediately obvious? My DS does say that his previous gang of friends are whispering 'I hate you' and other things to him. I'm sure it isn't just that but I do wonder if that is part of his sudden change in behaviour.

[chloworm]

Greydiddi it's so upsetting isn't it? And awful to feel so helpless and out of control. I will ask the teacher about how the others are with him, but to be honest many tend to avoid him now (and I can't blame them, he has said horrible things to them). He was always so kind, friendly and fair...he still is at home with other children. I don't think he means it when he is mean but understandably it does upset some children. It seems to be a habit now, the cycle needs to be broken. What are the school doing for your DS?

[Greydiddi]

It is upsetting chloworm I guess because more than anything we want our kids to be happy, kind and have friends! It is also just a bit baffling. The school are being good and trying to work with him on things he is good at, plus the teacher is going to have a general chat with the group of boys who are excluding him about things, as she suspects they are goading him. But like your DS the sad thing is he carries the behaviour on with the quiet, kind children so now they are starting to be wary with him too. I agree about it becoming a habit - I think that is what worries me most. Then it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy - he is naughty, gets told off, reacts badly etc etc. With my DS it almost as if having got there he is now trying to reject others before they reject him ( because he has been horrible). So he will say 'I do it so they hurt me'

I think it is the complete change I just find so hard to understand. And relatively quickly!

I hope things start to improve with your DS soon and hopefully the school will start to figure it out. I wish I had some answers.

[chloworm]

Greydiddi I feel your pain! And agree that the complete change is so hard to deal with. Yes, the self fulfilling prophecy has started. DS is officially the naughty child. My husband overheard a 6 year old saying 'it's the teacher I feel sorry for' when DS had a particularly bad day. Obviously they had heard that from a parent. DS plays the clown too to get a reaction, and acts like he doesn't care, but when he comes home after a bad day he is shaky and cries. It sounds like your school is being supportive, so hopefully that will help your DS. I guess we can only hope they'll grow out of it.

[Greydiddi]

Yes let's hope so. We have the shakiness and tears too. Hopefully they will both break the cycle.

[Greydiddi]

Who'd have thought having a child at school would be so hard!

[CheckpointCharlie2]

The school needs to take a much closer look at triggers. I have a form I can email you if you like. The staff need to look at what was happening exactly the moment before the behaviour, (a for antecedent ) then what the behaviour was (b for behaviour) then c (c for cause) and finally to look at the outcome of the behaviour i.e. What happens afterwards.

It has helped me so much in the past to identify triggers when there seem to be none. I would also do something called a Talking Mat with him and use visuals / symbols to represent all the things that happen in a school day and he places them on the 'I like' side or 'I don't like' side and that often yields results through gently digging. (I did one today with a child in reception!)

Failing all that he could benefit from a smart choices and silly choices visual where he gets awarded a golden ticket for a smart choice and a social story every morning reminding him of both smart and silly choices.

Pm me if you would like me to help. (Infant senco)

[OpalTree]

They even grade the parents!

[mummytime]

I have been there!

First got to your GP and ask for a referral to a developmental paediatrician and tell them about the issues at school.
Second go and request meetings with the Teacher and SENCO, and ask them how they are going to manage his behaviour. What they think is triggering it. Are they going to get outside advice or handling the behaviour?

If it doesn't happen at home then there is really nothing much you can do. Except listen and support him, and make sure he is not over tired at home etc.
School can be very challenging: lots of stimulation, lots of distraction, no freedom to find somewhere to calm down when over stimulated (in fact often extra demands made right then). If he is struggling with social interactions this can make class work even harder - and teachers often do not notice little subtle things that one child can do to another.

Whatever you do do not just wait for him to "grow out of it".

[Astro55]

I know you said not to punish after school - it have you tried a reward - start with not hurting others - he can chose the tears on Saturday

Like what pudding you have or film you watch etc

[Ifonlyoneday]

I could have written this 9 months ago. Turned out my little one had glue ear and couldn't hear at school. Classroom accoustics awful and assembly a nightmare. But she was fine at home so we didn't realise this was the cause. At home she was nearer to us so could hear a bit and had learnt to lip read. Get a hearing test done just to be on the safe side.

I now know glue ear often presents as a child misbehaving, changes their personality and traits whilst they live in a world of foggy noise

[chloworm]

He did have glue ear and was due to have grommets, but the latest hearing test showed the glue ear had gone and his eardrums were back to normal functioning. I guess there could be a flare-up? I will ask the GP for another referral. Another thing I thought of was that if the glue ear has gone and his hearing is better, maybe he's reacting badly to the new noisy environment? I did mention this to the school, but I suppose they can't do much about it and he will have to get used to it. Oh actually you can get ear defenders. Maybe worth a go. Thanks to all for the fantastic support I've received on here!

[NotCitrus]

I could have written this in Y1. Ds couldn't handle lunch - in YR staff would help him get stuff onto his tray whether he liked the look of it or not, and he would eat a slice of bread and increasingly some other starchy food.

In Y1 the children were expected to choose their own food and, not wanting any of it, he would dither, get impatient comments from other kids and dinner ladies, possibly end up eating one slice of bread which wasn't enough, and started having meltdowns from the time he realised lunch was coming up.

We gave him packed lunches and he's been pretty happy at school since, with the odd wobble (now y4 and diagnosed with ASD).

Speak to the SENCO, year/stage leader and teacher, and try to figure out what is going on, as well as the GP for ear/eye tests.

[mummytime]

The glue ear may not have just cleared up, but just be a fluctuating thing. On the other hand it is highly possible that he is very sensitive to noise and now he can hear it's causing him real problems.

And school can do thing to help. A big one is giving him permission to escape if it gets too loud, giving him quiet time after noisey activities, letting him into the dinner hall early (or packed lunches if eaten elsewhere). Talk to the teacher and the SENCO, in a proper meeting, and see what you can all do to help him.
Sometime foam earplugs can help too.

[bojorojo]

I am utterly shocked at a school grading parents. In fact the grading altogether is so "private school". Dreadful.They should be telling you about progress. Admittedly lack of it is a topic for conversation but working with the school to see what the barriers to learning are is important for his well-being. I get a strong feeling this school just is not right for him. However, as I said earlier, the NC is the NC but pushing it too early seems very counter productive if a child is not ready to learn in this way.

I think behaviour does lead to social exclusion, of the child and the parent. It would worry me that parents are not likely to be accommodating if they want this "academic" environment. However I cannot see how that goes with a noisy classroom. With 28 children, this shouldn't be the case. It should be purposeful. I think I would swerve parents' evening. You will not learn anything you don't know in 10 minutes! Try and go for a personal appointment.

Identifying the triggers are key in my view. I would also ask if he can get more attention from the TA. The school will be terrified of parental complaints so trying to help him stay calm in the classroom is important. Can he articulate how he feels when it goes wrong for him? When I used to work in education, we had nurture groups for children like this.They had controlled play in a separate unit - part time. Does your school know of any facility like this? Also see if the school has put him on their EP list - assuming they access EP services.

I do hope life gets easier!

[AlexanderBerry]

I'd never heard of parents being graded but found this
www.google.co.uk/amp/www.telegraph.co.uk/education/2016/12/02/school-grades-parents-support-childrens-education/amp/?client=ms-android-samsung

[bojorojo]

Good detective work Alexander!

Is this your school op - or is the practice spreading? I was a perfect parent - haha! But I think it is demeaning. What do they do if a parent cannot read, is in prison or has MH issues? Say you're a bum parent!

[Ifonlyoneday]

The glue ear may have returned if he has had a cold or infection over the winter. Grommets hav made my little one return to her normal self.

[Lowdoorinthewal1]

If it doesn't happen at home then there is really nothing much you can do.

My August born DS had a few issues at the start of Reception with pushing other children and being quite unkind. I didn't take the attitude that I didn't see it so I couldn't do anything at all. I made sure I got feedback every day from his teacher about how his day had gone and he was absolutely for the high jump if there had been problems. Conversely, I really rewarded him if he had done well. I also bought lots of social story books and laid it on thick teaching him how he should be behaving socially and strategies to deal with problems in better ways.

He is on the spectrum so I know very well that his behaviour was anxiety driven, but that didn't mean it was ok to ignore it and feel sorry for him. He is now in Y2 and thriving.

I am a specialist ASD teacher (and was long before DS was born) so maybe have the confidence to be a bit more hard line, but I wouldn't say you were doing your DS any favours by thinking it's not something you can address at home.

[mummytime]

Lowdoor I am so pleased you are not my DDs teacher. Being hardline with her got no where. Giving her an environment which she understands and with staff who understand her, has enabled her to thrive.
I never punish at home for what happens in school. I do ensure my children know when their behaviour is disappointing. And we go over and over the kind of behaviour expected.
But I also understand as does the school, what circumstances can make things extra hard for her. So she used to be warned about fire alarms, she has access to leaving the classroom to calm down, even when punished at school it is "justice tempered by mercy".

What worked at one point with your son will not necessarily work with every child. There is a world of difference between bad behaviour and sensory overload.

[Lowdoorinthewal1]

As far as we know, OP's child is neurotypical? No mention of behaviours being caused by overload.

It is important to help any autistic child to self-regulate as there is no way, however perfectly you set up their school and home environment, you will catch every trigger or eliminate every situation in which they will overload. For these times, it is essential to help them know which 'coping' behaviours are never acceptable. It just isn't ok to hit or bite other kids, no matter how over-stimulated you are. If a child isn't taught this very clearly, the message won't stick when they really need it to. And yes, obviously you have to work just as hard to teach them what they can do to help themselves when they are overloaded.

I'm glad my DS wasn't taught by anybody who thought it was understandable and therefore excusable that he pushed other kids in a line because he didn't like the feeling of them being in his personal space. I could have asked them to always put him at the back of the line with a gap between him and the next child. That would have eliminated the trigger. But I know in busy schools with lots of staff that one day he would end up in the middle of a line. I'd much rather teach him that, yes, being in a line in uncomfortable to you, but you will keep your hands and feet to yourself and then have your own space in a few minutes when queuing is finished.

I was on a course recently where they described a pupil who had been taught always to be at the back of a line for this reason. Later, in a community learning session as a young adult, the person was observed not being able to get to the front of a queue in a bank because every time somebody joined the line behind them they came out of the line and went to the back, where they had been told they should be. Eliminating triggers rather than helping a child learn to cope with them has to be considered very carefully.

[ohdarling]

I think this 'whispering' business needs to be investigated. It sounds to me as though your boy is being subtly bullied and goaded to behave like this. Those are the children the school needs to watch. Can they keep him away from those children somehow? Is there any possibility of you changing his school? I work in a secondary school and I must admit, sometimes, despite all interventions, some children just need to be given a fresh start away from their tormentors. It's that old adage - it's not you, it's them. And it really is sometimes.