Reading levels, dd needs gagging!

[BabiesAreLikeBuses]

I try so hard not to discuss any of this stuff in the playground and have fobbed other parents off who have asked me...
Today dd was moved up a level. Whoever did so made it clear that she was doing well and that the books with her special sticker on were high for her age and that she had to be taken to the year above to get them...l
After school at the park went up to the mum of one of her classmates and asked what level her daughter was on said mother clearly amused and irritated... Had to have a chat about modesty...

[Periwinkle007]

what a horrible thing for that child to say Taffeta. I have to confess I check what is in my daughter's bag outside the classroom but I stand out of the way and have a quick check we have everything and the reading book looks about right (ie not completely wrong level for what used to but also not scary) but I don't take them out of the bag, just peer in and may ask her a question or she may tell me something. If other people see that as inappropriate I hadn't really thought about it but I don't see why it should bother them. She often happily says she has had a sticker that day or did something good but equally often comes out saying her friends got rewarded for x or y or that so and so did such and such which was really good.

That is hard if they just put up the lists and they are streamed by ability. You would expect them to send home a note first saying which class your child would be in and then put the list up a few days later. our classes aren't streamed and the kids went into their new ones the other day but noone can remember who they are with, no lists of any sort seem to go up so some of it will remain a mystery until september I think although we have tried to work it out amongst us all.

[Taffeta]

I have a real problem with public announcements outside the classroom, I won't let my children do it.

The other week I collected DD (6) and she was bawling her eyes out, v unusual for her. The teacher explained that someone was bragging about getting star of the week, DD asked to see it and another child said "I don't know why you're bothering to look at it, you'll never get it" . We also have parents ripping open book bags to look at spelling test results and blocking the door so you can't get to collect your child but the piece de resistance will be next week when the class lists are released ( school classes streamed on ability from Y1 ) and the rush to escape before someone else blurts out to me or my child what classes they are in next year.

We read everything at home, golden rule. It's nobody else's business.

[LadyLech]

I totally agree with head in hands.

If my DD comes out of school pleased that she has moved up a book band, I am pleased for her, give her a hug and my congratulations. I do the same if on of her friends came out of school pleased they had achieved something, and would expect my DC to congratulate them too.

However, I would not tolerate the comparison, or asking another child what book band they are on because my DC was higher. This would lead to words.

But I think there is nothing wrong with celebrating your own achievement or success. To draw a parallel, a few years back, I was buying a house at the same time as a friend was, except her house was four times more expensive than mine. If she had said "my house is much bigger than yours", then that would have been wrong. But I wouldn't have expected her to keep her house a secret or not to talk about it because she had a much better house than me - that would have been patronising. No, we celebrated her new house, and we celebrated mine. Not everything in life is a comparison - just celebrate the achievement whatever it is, be don't compare! That's my motto

[afussyphase]

My DD did something even worse: saw what book her friend X was reading and shouted "X, that's book's EASY". I pointed out that this was rude. And that X speaks another language at home! At least one bonus is that now DD is interested in learning another language...

[Abra1d]

Wow! Nowhere to hide up in Yorkshire.

[xylem8]

Local A level results here GCSEs ae also published but usually as a total with the number A-c in brackets , or some schools put the number of As or even the number of As in brackets

[Abra1d]

Whereabouts are you? I haven't seen this in the south of England, where we are (thank God). The local papers will say that x and y did very well and got eleven A*s, but no lists of subjects, and only the top-flight performers from schools, not the whole cohort.

[xylem8]

They are published in the local and regional papers here,by student! d

[Abra1d]

You can't normally look up a student's GCSE results and see all their grades in every subject, not unless you are an educational establishment or an employer. School websites list subject results but don't attach names to them.

[xylem8]

GCSEs and A levels are public exams where the results are publicly available, so I can't see the comparison?

[cory]

I am sure she didn't mean to brag. Neither did ds' friend. But because it wasn't stopped but went on and on, it gave ds' confidence a knock that he took years to recover from.

As headinhands said, it's the comparison element.

Ds was a generous and lovely boy who would have been delighted that his friend was happy about something. It was the constant "I am on a higher level than you, you are not as clever, you can't do the things I can, what level are you on?" that got to him.

[BabiesAreLikeBuses]

headinhands i totally agree, it was a great time to up social skills

caffeine although she didn't intend anything by it (she's not generally mean to other kids, quite the opposite if anything) she did tell me later that she thought the other girl was on pink (which she remembered having in sept).

Next time i'll check who is in the park first!

[TheOriginalSteamingNit]

True... it will be our first results day in this family in August, so we shall see!

[Abra1d]

Actually they might not approach their friends' mothers but they would approach sisters and brothers if they wanted to know. And mothers, even those you don't know well, are quite capable of asking other mothers what their sons got. Some of the highly competitive families round here think it's open day to find out these details.

[TheOriginalSteamingNit]

I don't think many sixteen year olds would approach their friends' mothers and ask how well they'd done! Which probably goes to show that most people are quite successful in gently suggesting early on that this isn't really quite the ticket!

[Abra1d]

I am thinking of implementing the same thing come GCSE results, but it would be impossible, I imagine.

[TheOriginalSteamingNit]

If you were just proud of what you'd achieved, you wouldn't need to confirm it was better than what your friend had done! So bringing them up not to boast, or stealth boast, is not the same as bringing them up to be ashamed of what they achieve!

You have to model it, for a start...

[Elibean]

Should say, she's not trying to be mean. She just comes from a family where how well people do is hugely important, and competition anxiety is high.

But she has a huge need to be best. Which is clearly hard work for friends.

[Elibean]

I wish some of you would have a word with dd2's BF. Sometimes her only topic of conversation is 'who is best at writing/reading/sport', and although dd2 is doing really well with everything - no one ever does better than BF, which is not good for morale!

[Wheresmycaffeinedrip]

But she didn't know that none of the other kids didn't get the same. She probably asked in the hope that her and a friend might have the same book. That's different to intentionally making someone else feel bad. What I mean is , it's the intent that makes it an issue or not. To her it would have been a book. The level would mean nothing to her unless it was particularly hyped up by the teacher or ta. Whatever answer she got would also have meant nothing to her.

What I'm trying to say is that if she deliberately set out to upset someone then yes of course that's wrong.

If she was just excited and repeating what she was told and asking because she thought her friend might have the same or share the excitement with her then that's completely different.

I've seen kids comparing books, they are comparing colours and what the picture is on the front. They otherwise have no idea what the colours mean and only would if they had been told by the parents. It was no big deal unless the parents chose to make it one in worrying about what the other kids were trying to do when it was in fact innocent.

[headinhands]

Feel like my message isn't getting through. There's a massive difference between telling a child not to be proud of their achievements and teaching a child not to brag. The op said her dc went up to a parent of another child to quiz her on her dc's book band. I would discourage that sort of bragging but not if she'd just told someone she was on a new level. That's the difference. It's the comparison element that isn't pleasant not the fact that she was pleased of course not. If you heard your dc saying something like 'my bike is better than yours' to another dc you wouldn't think you might need to have a little chat with them? No one has said they need to think their achievements are dirty little secrets. There is an obvious gulf between what I am saying and what you think I am saying.

[Wheresmycaffeinedrip]

Today it was a book tomorrow it will be their aunts kitten or that they saw a snail. Or as someone posted above the number if times they went to the loo.

[Wheresmycaffeinedrip]

But they are learning. That's the point. Even as adults we slip up and make mistakes with things we have known or have done for years. There are going to be times they forget. If she had gone up in a "neh neh" style then yes that's something to be dealt with. But I get kids all the time coming up to me telling me that mummy bought them this or they went there or the teacher said ----. They aren't bragging they are just happy and I'm the mum of one of their friends and they feel they can talk to me that's all. And I give them a hug and say well done or just act interested. I don't see why achievements should be dirty little secrets all the time. What happened to just being happy for people. As much as kids have to try and learn these social skills, they also need to learn to cope with the fact that someone is going to be better than them at something or have something they don't.

[headinhands]

But isn't equally crushing to a child to be constantly saying "sssh don't tell anyone" "remember Alice we don't talk about school til we get home"

I don't think anyone is suggesting that's what should happen. Ideally a child will learn how and when to talk about things they are pleased about from those around. If my child came out and was gushing about something they were please with to me then of course that would be a non-issue, but if she was seeking out other children, or even their parents to ask about their reading level or whatever they were pleased about I would have a general chat later about when/how we talk about what we are good at.

I mean really, it's not rocket science is it? If your neighbour popped round just to point out how much nicer his car was than yours would that not suggest he lacked social skills?

[simpson]

Babies - it seems to be DD's year that is bad (3 ring leader mums) as DS in yr3 has always been fine and I have met some lovely friends through the school (his year group).