Why cant he behave at school? & what can i do? Help!

[dreckly]

My DS is 6 and currently in YR1. The school is a CofE small primary (64 children on roll) and he is in a R/Y1/Y2 mixed class. with 2 teachers who split the week and a full time TA.

This time last year i started to be spoken to by the teachers because of his "silly" behaviour in class. They assured me that they were not worried, it was all part of learning to accept school rules and they just wanted to make sure i was on the same page as them and would support what they were doing at home. Of course i agreed and we started a sticker chart and i asked for a note in his home-school communication book each day to let me know how he had been (which the staff never did). I had a copy of the class rules stuck up in the kitchen and we talked often about how we must do what teachers ask us to and we must listen etc. etc.

sadly this years things seem to be getting worse, regularly i have been spoken to by the teacher when i pick him up from school about his behaviour, they assure me its just "silly little things" but never tell me exactly what has happened.
we then had a meeting with the head about his behaviour who basically implied that i did not discapline him at home! all that was decided was that we would all be firm and follow through on consequences. and she stated that if he is outside her office for behaviour for 4 seperate occasions this would result in a half day exclusion! - He is 6 FGS!

but its not getting better, he is still getting in the "sad pad" a lot and had been outside the heads office twice in the last fortnight!

what do i do? he is challenging at home but i manage him, he is quite a bright boy i think and i am wondering if the class is not challenging him enough? a lot of the behaviour seems to be reported as "he did his work and then did X...Y..Z and was naughty" how do i know if this is the case? or even if it is the reverse, is he finding the work too hard and so acting up as a cop out?

they are still saying that they are not worried, and he will come around, but im worried! this is not the boy i know. im terrified he will end up believing that he is a naughty boy and so act accordingly. i do not want this to set a precedent for the rest of his school life.

i have a parents evening tomorrow so any input would be much appreciated.

anything - im not precious and will take on board anything you have to say

sorry - mammoth post

[bubblesinthebath]

what can you do? Really? Your not there. You have very little information to act upon. You have tried to support the school by what you have done at home with very little information. See what his teacher tells you about his academic achievement and ask if this is what he/she thinks your Ds is capable of or if he could do more or has struggled to do what he has, mention that you can't support them without more information eg the communication book. If it is passed back to you ask what they have tried to overcome these problems? maybe you can do the same at home , clearly what they are already trying isn't working what else could they try? If he does get a half-day exclusion make sure that you have the exact reasons why it has happened in writing, you may find this will give you some extra information.

[OhMyNoReally]

I'm worried this might happen to my ds when he starts school later this year. Not to be nasty or odd, just a question as my ds is just like this; would your ds take heap of negative comments and turn it into a reverse achievement. Like in my dc school they have a star board and if your misbehaving you get moved down the star board. i think my ds if he was moved down would try and see how many places down the star board he could get just to see what the consequences would be and for the attention.

So maybe your ds is fine but the discipline system in school isn't working for him, just a thought. I know my ds has trouble with discipline when it has direct consequences, but in nursery if if he's just expected to behave and gets a sticker for good work and when misbehaving if he's just taken out of the situation and ignored, he comes round quickly and is fine.

Maybe speak to the school about changing how they approach his behaviour. That might help a lot.

[dreckly]

thanks both,

i did ask for a copy of the school's behaviour policy and when they eventually got around to giving me one, i found it was 3 yrs out of date so im still in the dark about exatly what the discapline system is and how it works. all i can see is that it is clearly not working for DS.

but i agree, i need to find out where he is acedemically at the meeting tomorrow before i can have a better idea of the root of the behaviour. i wondered about suggesting they try a different approach but i am not a professional teacher and would have thought that they have a better idea about these things than i do. is it really my place to say?

i dont want to offend the teacher and risk making the problem worse.

[OhMyNoReally]

Of course it's your place to say, teachers know about how to educate buy you know your child and somehow school will have to find what works behaviourally from yourself to educate your son and give him a great schooling experience.
Ask to shadow a lesson, you need to know more to get to the route of the problem. :)

[dreckly]

and i might add that if she follows through with the half day exclusion then my mind is made up - he will go to a different school.

excluding him on the basis of "silly" behaviour at 6 yrs old is just plain wrong imo.

i have not told the staff this, i have been thinking about it since the meeting with the head.

i have already been to look at the local town primary and while it is massive, the facilities are so much better and i wonder if a bigger school with a class of totally his age group might suit him better?

[dreckly]

can i ask to shadow a lesson? really?
i would love to actually be able to see how he behaves in class but is that allowed? and would my presence artifically alter his behaviour anyway?

[OhMyNoReally]

Yes maybe your ds is competing to get kudos in the eyes of the older children, try to calm down about the exclusion. It's no good going in all het up. You should maybe write a list of your issues and see if a working plan can be drawn up and if the problem isn't resolved by the summer holidays move him then. It will be less disruptive. x

[OhMyNoReally]

If the school want your input and help to work things through shadowing a lesson could help both the school and your ds. There would be no harm in asking and even if it changes your ds behaviour you would at least get a feel for how the lessons are structured.

[bubblesinthebath]

Who is to say that it doesn't happen again at the new school? just a thought, don't want to put a dampner on it. If it is something like boredom as you have said he is bright this could be why he is acting silly. Some teachers just need to sit back and reassess the situation. You are well within your rights as a parent to ask what they have tried to help your son. Just mention what you have done (if you haven't already). So long as you are polite and approach the situation in a calm manner I doubt that a good teacher would become offended if anything they would see that you wanted to help and that would fill them with confidence.

[bubblesinthebath]

OhMyNoReally, not many people know that. Just remember dreckly as awful as it sounds they are providing a service to you and your child not the other way around. I do think that it would benefit all involved if you did ask the teacher the questions

[mummytime]

I would go and visit the bigger school. There are a lot of advantages to bigger schools.
I would also not let them bully you. They needto tell you what he is doing wrong, in detail. They also need to tell you what steps they are taking to help with his behaviour. He should be on the special needs register and have an IEP if they are having such problems. It is also quite probable that they would be acting illegally to exclude him for half a day. Your local parent partnership may be able to give you more help and advice

[TheCatInTheHairnet]

You need to start championing for your boy. It's so easy for this kind of thing to become a self-prophecy as the child becomes to internalise that, when it comes to school, they're the naughty kid.

There are a billion and one studies that suggest a one size fits all style of education doesn't suit many very young boys, in particular. And if not tackled, can have a drastic effect on their educational career. One of my DS's is a case in point. The effort it took him to sit and concentrate on a given piece of work left with with a lot of pent up energy afterwards. And that's when he would get himself into trouble.

Luckily, he had a brilliant teacher who recognised his flashpoints and would give him a job to do or sent him to the water fountain, just so he had the chance to release some of that energy. It worked brilliantly and he's now 12 and a really good student.

Whatever's happening now within school clearly isn't working and, as his Mum, you don't have to roll over and do what the schools says. You can champion for him, even at risk of being one of 'those' parents.

[AryaUnderfoot]

I totally agree with TheCatInTheHairnet My DS was exactly the same in reception - dealt with very poorly by his teacher. He was under no illusions that he was the naughtiest child in the year.

Year 1 has been totally different. HIs behaviour still has to be monitored very closely and it takes hard work from the teacher to get him to do any extended writing, but that is what the teacher is paid to do. Whilst you should expect communication from the school with regards to any issues, you are not there to manage his behaviour in the classroom. That is not your responsibility. You may be the best person to advise on what works at home in managing behaviour, but that's it.

As far as exclusions go, I think it would be completely OTT for what you are describing as 'silly things'. Exclusions, of any length, should be for major things.

If this was my DS, I would seriously consider moving him out of the school.

[auntevil]

"what do i do? he is challenging at home but i manage him,"
Have you used this as a starting point in your discussions about your DS's behaviour?
You're acknowledging challenging behaviour - building a commonality with the CT - but saying that at home, you find that strategy x, y and z work. Could they find a behaviour management strategy that worked along similar lines?
Surely it is best for your DS to try to help the school find a way to manage his behaviour than keep these situations happening again and risk an exclusion - however fair or unfair that might be.
I would also ask the school to be more specific about what they classify as 'silly things' and what the frequency of these 'silly things' are. Do they keep a book of how many times , and for what reason he might be on time-out or whatever other system they might use? Written records are much better at helping you get support if required.

[RedHelenB]

When he's been outside the head's office what are the consequences for him at home?

[Biscuitsneeded]

Are you sure he's your child and not mine? Snap. Y1 boy, perfectly able I think but very immature and silly. Sigh. I am reasonably confident he will 'get it' in Y2, as all the slightly crazy boys in my older son's year (of whom he was not one, which is why Ds2 is such a shock) did improve massively in Y2. His very young teacher however seems to really struggle with him. I am hugely sympathetic; I live with him so know exactly how frustrating it is, but at the same time I'm not sure she is seeing the boy behind the silliness and I am concerned that he is being cast as the 'naughty' one. It does sound like a bigger school might be better for your son (greater chances of there being another child who is actually much more challenging!!), and even if you stay where you are I think school should be telling you what this 'silly' behaviour is so that you can assess for yourself whether it's a case of immaturity and high spirits or a real behaviour issue.

[mumarchy]

Some schools find handling boys of that age more difficult as compared to girls. If there are more very well behaved girls in his class then in comparison it might colour their opinion of his behaviour, which on its own might be reasonable age-wise for a boy! just a thought.....

[lljkk]

They tell you not to worry but threaten a half day exclusion?!

[kawliga]

I don't think schools threaten exclusion for 'silly little things'. Rather than asking for what is classified as silly or reading behaviour policies etc I would just ask exactly what he did, not just a summary or classification of the behaviour as 'silly' whatever that means. I agree with those who are saying you have no information here. Being told he did something silly is not information.

Sometimes teachers don't want to give details, they think it's a waste of time as the issue has been dealt with, they're tired at the end of the day and just want to go home etc, but I would ask and ask until you know exactly what was done eg 'he was standing in line and pushed the boy in front of him' or 'he threw a chair at the teacher' that level of detail. If you ask what he did and they say 'oh, it was just something silly' don't go away and don't be fobbed off, insist on knowing exactly what it was. The teachers will soon realize that they need to give you fuller information. If the teacher is in a hurry (aren't they always) just insist and ask when you can come back to be told exactly what he did.