is it normal for seperated parents to request seperate appointments for parents evening?

[workshy]

and will schools normally accommodate the request?

my ex and I can't even bear to look at each other and niether of us trusts the other to relay the info accurately

I have some questions I want to ask about G&T DD1 and high schools but don't feel able to ask these things infront of her dad

would it be odd if I let him go to parents evening and then made another appointment with the teachers for me?

[Dee03]

Hi..I work in a preschool and we do separate consultations if the parents won't/can't come together...obviously this does create twice as much time and effort but sometimes that's what it takes...
We just have to make sure both parents get told exactly the same information about their child.
In my personal life tho my xp has never attended any of our ds consultations/sports days/ Xmas plays etc.....after 9 years of no interest I gave up telling him about them about 3 years ago!!

[mathanxiety]

RiversideMum, it is sad that two parents can't always come together to support their child, but unfortunately the approach of Mrz is often wise and necessary.

There are parents out there who do not have the interests of their child as their number one priority and will use anything for the purpose of scoring points against the other parent, even to the point of trying to use a child's lack of progress in school as a weapon in court. It shouldn't be about the parents, but some parents do not see it that way, and a teacher might be doing more harm than good sending copies of reports to both parties.

[mathanxiety]

Sorry, I got your name completely wrong there, DownbytheRiverside.

[AICM]

Would you ask a doctor or hospital for two appointments?

[exoticfruits]

How can the hospital or doctor possiblu be similar?

[teacherwith2kids]

AICM, only if both parents had the same illness...

More seriously: A hospital or doctor appointment is about dealing with a specific problem or illness in the here and now. it is not a holistic review of a child, as a parents' evening should be.

If a child with separated parents has a problem during the school day and i need to speak to a parent that day (more analogous to the Dr or hospital example) then I speak to whichever parent picks up, rather than making separate appointments with both. But for the non-urgent, overall reciew of a parents' evening, i would set aside time to allow both of a child's parents to hear the key messages.

[mrz]

A hospital doctor will happily speak to parents separately

[exoticfruits]

It should be up to the parent and they should be adult enough to come together. However, if they can't they should come separately, if the parent can't bear to put the DC first they are highly unlikely to give the other parent proper feedback.

[exoticfruits]

I can't believe that the parent who can't come with the other parent is going to take notes and then sit down and go through it all-in reality they are going to cut the other parent out.

[uphillbothways]

Perfectly normal in my kids' school, the teacher's don't bat an eyelid.

[SoupDragon]

"It should be up to the parent and they should be adult enough to come together. However, if they can't they should come separately, if the parent can't bear to put the DC first they are highly unlikely to give the other parent proper feedback."

There is no way I would sit in a room with the children's father. Ever.

It has got fuck all to do with not putting the children first or not being grown up.

[tobyrat]

Perfectly normal in our school for separated parents to have separate appointments.

Friend 1 has separate appointments from her xh, teacher happy to see them both.

Friend 2 has appointment and her xh doesn't even bother to get himself an appointment as he doesn't care .

[orangeLFDThead]

I have seperate appointment from my ex. He was abusive when we were together and sometimes now can be emotionally abusive. In a parents evening enviroment he would try his best not to let me get a word in. Any points I did raise he would disagree with just to meke me look stupid, even if it was something we had discussed prior and he had agreed with. This is made worse by the fact I am very shy and nervous speaking to people and he is every articulate.

[mathanxiety]

I send exH a synopsis of the meetings and send him a copy of their reports. It is not up to the school to intervene between my exH and myself even if the good of the child is at stake. The school notifies exH directly about upcoming events including parent nights and it is up to him to make an effort to attend. He never does, and never did when we were married. If he managed to make appointments before I got around to it (parents have to book a time slot) then I would stay home and hope he would tell me how things were going. But I see the teachers informally at the end of the school day and call if I think there's a problem, so I am on top of things anyway.

I would prefer to see the school assume that parents can take upon themselves the responsibility of communicating effectively together than see a school inadvertently give one mean-spirited so-called adult a stick to beat another with.

There are lots of ex spouses/parents who are at loggerheads and schools should be cognisant of that imo. A lot of people are separated or divorced because the other party was impossible to get along with and they have not changed their tune since the divorce.

[exoticfruits]

I think that the DCs come first SoupDragon. However I don't know why anyone would want to question them coming separately-it is the norm. I wouldn't want to side with one parent to cut the other out. They are equal parents and both should know how their DC is doing.

[SoupDragon]

So, you are telling me that I am not putting my children first.

[exoticfruits]

No-only that the father is an equal parent and if you are not going to sit in the same room he should have access to the same information.

[mrz]

Both parents should have access to the relevant information regarding their child (if they want it and many absent parents aren't interested unfortunately) but there are many reasons why some parents don't want to come together and this needs to be respected.
Sometime there are legal restrictions in place which prevent parents being in school at the same time

[Familydilemma]

I always happily saw both parents separately. Teaching is about accommodating needs not questioning people's personal circumstances.

[BertieBotts]

Unfortunately it's not that exceptional a circumstance that parents are separated due to abusive behaviour. In this case I can totally understand why they might find it hard to communicate.

[HauntedLittleLunatic]

I fully respect that it creates additional work. But for me its not about not being able to be in the same room. It is the fact that I want to be open with the teacher and uninhibited in what I say/discuss.

Now this particular parents evening is a bit different in that regard for me. Firstly it is the first one since seperation. It is also their yr6 parents evening where I expect there to be a certain amount of discussion regarding the move to secondary. At this stage it is probable that Dds won't be going to their feeder secondary and although xp knows this I don't particularly want him knowing the fine details of the plans and thoughts that I currently have which may get discussed. So although I would say in any cases together should be fine I can see occassions where it would potentially inhibit the discussion to have both parents there.

As it happens xp decided he didn't want to go on his own so wasn't an issue.

[TheFallenMadonna]

I'm very happy to see parents separately. What I dislike intensely is them making snide comments about the other parent. I'm never sure how to compose my face when that happens.

[workshy]

can I just point out that I do put my children first which is why I'm still living in an area where I have no support network so that I can facilitate their ongoing relationship with their father

this is not about me not wantig to be in the same room as him, this is about me not being able to be in the same room as him as he is emotionally abusive, occasionally violent (but only ever with me, never with the kids) and can be verbally aggressive with the teacher -not in a sweary shouty kind of way but a much more subtle way which last year left DD2's teacher squirming uncomfortably in her chair

when they got their sats results and school reports last year I made a copy and gave them to him and I would be fully upfront with him about what was said at parent's evening -if I was trying to cut him out I wouldn't have told him about parents evening well emailed him because he won't answer the phone if I ring him

[mathanxiety]

Workshy, you and I are dealing with very similar exHs imo.

[cece]

In 20 years of teaching I have only been asked to do this once. Most parents in this situation either come alone or manage to be civil enough to each other for 10 mins (at least in front on me).

The couple that had separate appointments spent most of their appointments bitching about the other one/trying to find out info about the others skills as a parent out of me. Neither seemed that interested in what I had to say about their son