paranoid or mummybullying?

[clementfreud]

Am i being paraniod or am i being mummybullied? Another mum at school seems to dislike both me and my child and when she is alone seems to make snidey comments and comes across as having some sort of agenda.I suspect she is being competitive but why do it to people who do not want to enter the competition? I just don't get it. I have given her the benefit of the doubt for some time now but am tiring of her shenanigans. When other mums are around she is sweetness and light. I am beginning to feel very uncomfortable with it and wonder if anyone has any advice? the trouble is the more uncomfortable i feel the more it looks as if i have a problem. Am i being manipulated in some way? I am not very good at this sort of thing so any advice is appreciated. What a tricky customer.

[THK]

i come under the blanker category.
Got so tired of the overly clique ness that became no more than a bitch or brag session & left me wondering what was said about me on the days I wasnt at pick up, so its a very quick pick up for me these days , Im much happier not knowing whats being said and about who and I feel much more comfortable saying hello to mums I genuinely like. Im sure Im classed as having become weird but I honestly dont care.

[kissingfrogs]

I'm a blanker. Can't help it, I'm terribly bad with faces and getting worse.

Despite that though I'll say hi & smile to anyone at the school gates, but sorry if I blank you at any other time - I just geniunely don't recognise you out of context.

[MUHAHAHADascheese]

my shocking spelling and grammar

really, currant

[SpiderObsession]

I confess I've been pulled over the years for blanking people but the truth is I haven't seen them. Instead I'm lost in my own little world, usually planning my day ahead or Christmas present ideas or whatwver. It's very embarrassing to have it pointed out to you.

At my old stable there was a lady who seemed to blank everyone and needless to say she was not popular. I had a feeling her problem was similar to mine rather than being nasty so bit by bit I established a friendship with her. I was right in this case, she is painfully shy, which can easily come across as aloof and cold.

Interestingly she is the only friend from my old stable who keeps in regular contact.

So perhaps you ladies may want to keep trying with some of these mums? (Not in the case of a Queen Bee though - that would be counterproductive!)

[MUHAHAHADascheese]

I've discussed our Queen Bee on here before.

Accidentally started all out war by arranging a party for littlemad on the same day as her pfb's party.

She came and told me she didn't think anyone would attend littlemad's because of her pfbs party.

I carried on regardless and apparently littlemads rather old fashioned charge about and ext cake affair was the party that was being talked about all week at school.

Since I apparently 'passed muster' she's started to be friendly towards me but I really can't be bothered with her as honestly I think her behviour was vile - and would have done if it had been towards anyone else.

Ilovehotchoc, I think you make some great points as it goes, I was all bothered about this woman being such a cow, and had no idea what I'd done to trigger it, but then I finally realised maybe she is just a cow and I'm not and that's the end of that.

She bothers me much less now when she has her overtly secretive 'very important private chats' with her currant favourite during which there is a lot of overly loud laughter designed to attract maximum attention from all us loners who have no hope of being as funny, stylish or marvellous as her.

I still don't like her though....

[Ilovehotchoc]

Just resurrecting this because its a great thread and one I like to refer to when I need reassurance! I find that people are often only interested in me if I am of some use to them or if our paths cross at some point. Once I am no longer useful or I fall off their radar for whatever reason, they simply aren't bothered anymore. For e.g. if I invite their child to my child's party they might start speaking to me around that time but cut to a couple of weeks after said party and they blank me again! Or if I am the only mum they recognise at an event I will do for them to speak to at that time but when they see me the next day they won't acknowledge me.

I think a lot of people are like this, and I think a lot of women are easily slighted - so if someone doesn't smile at them one day becasue they are in a hurry or having an off day (like we all do), they take offence and then don't speak to that person again leaving the other woman wondering what she's done to upset them....

[Beamur]

Cliques are evil, unless you are in them...
We have a neighbour who I think has the face blindness thing, she is literally around the corner and either me/DP/DSD must walk the dog past her house a couple of times a day..cut to a party of a mutual friend, I started chatting to her - she looked at me a bit surprised, I pointed out we had children in the same class and I lived almost in view of her house (and have done for several years) and she was genuinely not able to place me. We introduced our partners (he knew we lived nearby although we'd not spoken before)
Couple of days later, DP walks DD to school - completely blanked by this woman. People usually talk to him so this took him back. I walked DD to school another day and ended up walking back with this woman - we chatted, but I'm not convinced she knew me!

[MrsRhettKilledTheButler]

i don't talk to anyone unless they talk to me... i don't even notice who's talking to who else! does it really matter?

[bathmum]

Sorry, bit late but thought I'd add to this one.

I have been blanked by one mother at DS's school for over a year! Can't for the life of me think what I've done to upset her - she used to be quite friendly and then suddenly started ignoring me almost overnight.

Wish I could think of a clever one liner to let her know that I think she's behaving pathetically. Any ideas? Or is that stooping to her level? Is also pretty pathetic that I'm so bothered by it. Hate the playground politics. Nightmare.

[wodalingpengwin]

There are definitely biological differences in how good people are at recognising faces. I do think it's more of a a problem for some people. Prosopagnosia is the official 'condition' of face blindness but recent research indicated that there is more of a natural range of ability than previously thought.

[sarahfreck]

"There's this seemingly very powerful woman I know. She seems to have 'high status' in our community and her husband is very high powered with a high status, 'powerful' job.

She seems chilling and frosty and intimidates me like crazy.

What I don't understand is that she is drawn and appears to suck up to the most decadent, glamorous sorts. The sort she openly gives the impression she disapproves of the most? The sort that have by far and away the most money and are part of a cool clique and/or have that vibe."

Perhaps she does this because they are a group she can somehow feel superior to and so they aren't threatening? Perhaps she sees something in you (intelligence? honesty?) that she finds threatening and so she blanks you? Maybe even subconsciously she feels that if she welcomed you into the clique you might end up with "Alpha 1 Mummy" status rather than her?

[plus3]

This is also happening with me at the moment. I have definitely made an enemy in dd reception class. She cannot be more obvious in her desire not to talk to me and yet talk to every single other mother in the class. Am trying not to fret about it but it is making me feel like poo. That said, I'm not going to tackle her about it & if she is standing with people who I know very well I shall continue to go and stand with them, just to annoy her even more!!!

[Artforall]

It's only struck me recently that one of the mums who's a bit of an Ice Queen and blanks me sometimes but not at others, reminds me of my mother! I wonder how much of my distant past travels to the school gates today as there are somedays when I almost dread pick-up and the thought of cliques of people standing around and me feeling left-out/rejected when no-one catches my eye. It's a jungle out there. DH sometimes does pick-ups and just accepts that he gets blanked sometimes but ignores it and it doesn't bother him. Can't be easy for the men on the whole as there seems to be a bit of a culture of not talking to them for fear of being seen to be too interested?

[gabid]

Have you ever spoken to this person? If I have then I wreck my brain what I could have said to upset them and might ask.

However, my friend's neighbour has never spoken to my friend, neither has the neighbour (it's really a clique of 3 mums) said hello. If another of the three is by herself they will say hi but not if the neighbour is present? Just like silly schoolgirls!

[oliviafrombolivia]

I have this situation with a mum in my sons class. She lives 3 doors down from me, and is good friends with my next door neighbour. She has actively delayed her departure from neighbours house when she saw me talking outside until I had moved on. She will pointedly ignore me in any situation, whether it be sitting next to me on little chairs in a parent meeting or in the High Street. When a well meaning mutual friend has tried to introduce us, she has denied knowing me, she knows damn well who I am - weirdo.

[BridesheadRegardless]

Is it rude then to just say 'hello' rather than 'hello sue/sarah/Helen' etc?

Oh dear.

I'm not very good at the passing morning hello's. Everyone seems to ask ' Hi Brides are you alright?' to which I respond 'yes thanks' but then we've passed and I worry as I didn't ask how they were.

Maybe everyone thinks I'm the woman who deosn't care how others are.

Give me tips for cheery salutations.

[DreamTeamGirl]

I will put my hand up then as a blanker

There is one mum I LOATHE
She is tacky, rude- she constantly makes sex jokes and the like, and I avoid her like the plague. It seems to have the opposite effect tho as she now comes looking for me....

[wodalingpengwin]

Gotta confess to blanking someone... I met her in the park through a mutual friend and happened to mention that I had a son. Later on she made disparaging remarks in my presence about boys and made it clear she was relieved to have only girls. I felt she was both very untactful and smug. I'm not friendly to her on the school run because her comments still rile me. I don't suppose she meant to be rude and she probably hasn't a clue she upset me but she did.

[Cortina]

There's this seemingly very powerful woman I know. She seems to have 'high status' in our community and her husband is very high powered with a high status, 'powerful' job.

She seems chilling and frosty and intimidates me like crazy. She seems smart, articulate and dresses in a conservative way, more mature than her years but in a tasteful sense. When any interchange begins she cooly assesses me from my ankles slowly up to the topmost hair on my head. She does this about twice.

When she speaks to me we tend to exchange pleasantries. She then proceeds to look over my shoulder, scanning the room for someone more important and influential it seems. She's done this at various school charity events and similar. Never any eye contact with me, always over my shoulder into the middle distance?

What I don't understand is that she is drawn and appears to suck up to the most decadent, glamorous sorts. The sort she openly gives the impression she disapproves of the most? The sort that have by far and away the most money and are part of a cool clique and/or have that vibe.

She has tried to get me involved in the PTA affairs many times (usually for the jobs that no-one else wants) and just won't take no for an answer from me (but does so very charmingly with the 'cool' clique).

I am very interested in the subtleties of various 'cliques'. We have another lady who I don't know well and is impossibly beautiful and always uber groomed. I always see her with a similar impossibly beautiful friend having coffee (usually a Mum from our local secondary). What I don't understand is that she appears to keep all the friendships on a very superficial level and it is never the same friend twice? Literally, never. Why would someone do that?

[arfasleep]

SkaneMum, I think thats different cos your probably not blanking the same people ALL the time, which these types that people have problems with usually do. I try to be friendly to most people I see regularly but do blank people I know have been bitchy about me behind my back, I suppose I could be wrong about them (I doubt it) or they prob don't know that I know IYSWIM, and are wondering why I blank them?

[muminthemiddle]

I have to say I struggle to recognise people out of context too!

several times people have approached me and struck up a conversation and even though I go along with it I don't recognise them until much,much later.
I don't blank them though but do feel awful as I can't ask any specific questions as I cannot remember who they are!

[SkaneMum]

I have joined just to post as I am sometimes guilty of being a blanker and wonder if other blankers end up in this situation for the same reasons.

For nearly 8 years now I have been a parent at a primary school. Right from day one I jumped in as PTA secretary organising many fundraisers and later ended up as a parent governor. My youngest is now in Year 5.

The result is that I recognise many people and can greet them by name. Equally as the years have progressed there are many I can only smile at and say hello/ goodmorning/ goodafternoon etc. to

This is a huge problem as some mums know me from my phoning them to ask their help with something but I do not necessarily know them by sight.

Also if a mum I know by name is with a mum I do not know the name of - I tend just to say hello and then worry that they think me rude.

Some days I am simply in a terrible rush or sdistracted with the result that I end up walking past parents without acknowledging them. I feel absolutely terrible when this happens.

I even feel bad that there are so many new parents in the school who I don't know to say hello to as I worry that by knowing a good number of parents I end up seeming self important.

Thus blankers like me often feel terrible when we realise we have blanked someone we know and if we blank someone we should have known would feel equally bad - my suggestion therefore is say hello to the serial blankers and find something to talk about as if they simply have a terrible memory for names they should at least then give you a cheery hello and have a topic of conversation to resume when the opportunity arises.

On behalf of people like me who sometimes blank others - I apologise as I really do not want blank anyone (particularly as we have so much in common as Primary School mums).

[gabid]

Well, I don't recognise many people when I see them in town, but if you see them every day?