dd being asked to help other children in class

[equator]

dd is seven, at a small school and in a class of 30, yrs 3&4 taught together.

She has always enjoyed school and according to her teachers is reliable, helpful and a pleasure to teach.

This year she has put on a table with (in her words) two very naughty boys from year 4.

She told me that her teacher has asked her to help them in class, which she was happy to do.

It transpires that one of the boys is making her unhappy, telling her to shut up and other low level stuff. She is also finding it more difficult to complete her work because of the disruption.

dd has alot to contend with at home, her brother has severe autism and very challanging behaviour so school is a place for her to be "normal".

She is very aware of children with special needs as are we but I am struggling with the fact that she is being used as a support for these boys (btw, I don't even know if they have any sn) just because she is bright and helpful.

what would you do?
Or am I just being oversensitive and do nothing
tia

[southeastastralbeing]

i would be really pleased that they could think she would have the skills to help her classmates

[IMoveTheStars]

When I was about the same age I was asked to help other children in my class (the year below mine) which I tried to do, but always felt a huge sense of unfairness about it.


If this was my child I would certainly say something. I am probably projecting here, but whenever disruptive kids in my year were split up, one of them was always sat with me because I was apparently a 'good influence'

Obviously this info is a generation out of date, but I'd still mention it to the teacher/head and find out exactly what's going on.

[MrsRhettKilledTheButler]

hmm, it does seem like there is no escape for her, at home its her brother and at school its 'helping' these boys... i would speak to the teacher

[KickArseQueenOfTheDamned]

I would point out the situation from her/your point of view to the teacher. Its not fair to your dd.

Good luck.

[equator]

Thank you .

I am pleased that she has the ability to help her classmates but I am struggling with the fact that a) it is making her unhappy, b)that because she has this ability it could be holding her back at school.

She is very bright, top of the class in all subjects and I can see why the teacher has done this, but like other posters have said she has a shitty time at home because of ds and I think she has enough to contend with atm.
She has a new teacher this year so perhaps a quiet word with her may be in order .

[Malaleuca]

It is not fair to regularly use a well-behaved child (often a girl) in this way, especially if it is detrimental to the child. All need to take their fair share in supporting the less able or more difficult to manage, some a bit more, but not on an on-going basis. Speak up for your child.

[nooka]

My dd is currently in a the older part of a split class and we had a discussion with her teacher about her helping the younger children, as a stretch activity for her and also something that will make her very happy. So it's not necessarily a bad thing to help. BUT if it is making her unhappy that's quite another matter, and if she generally likes to please she may find it very difficult to let the teacher know she is unhappy, so the teacher may be unaware that it is a problem for her. We certainly found that when dd was a bit younger and like your dd put next to the "bad" boy as a good influence. She was very reluctant for us to tell her teacher, but when we did the teacher was totally fine about it, was very apologetic and moved her immediately.

I'd talk to the teacher.

[MrsBigD]

I would have a chat with the teacher as on one hand it's great that your dd has the empathy and ability to help a child in her class, however it shouldn't be a constant!

My dd (8) usually gets paired up with the 'new kid' in class this year as she's very atuned to their needs, having been moved across 1/2 the planet 2 years ago, and also she's a very sociable thing. Though sometimes even she has enough. Thankfully her teacher is open to constructive criticism :)

Good luck!

[GetThatWalnutOutOfMyFace]

Don't think there's anything wrong with getting an able child to help a child who's struggling - I was asked to help a child learn to write properly when I was around 7 - I got a enormous sense of satisfaction from helping this child.

However, the behavioral side of things is taking it a step too far, sadly it is often the case that well behaved girls are placed beside naughty boys - most, I expect can cope with it but it sounds like your dd needs a break during school time - have a chat wit the teacher.

[runmeragged]

There is a fine line between a bright child helping a less able child (fine, beneficial to both in moderation) and using a bright child as a TA (not on).

When I was at school, my desk was turned around to face the class just like the teacher's and the teacher told all the others to do their work and if they had a problems, queue up at my desk or hers. My classmates were not allowed to call me by my name, they had to call me "Aunty X". Anyway, this took place all the time, my education was totally ignored and I feel resentful about it to this day. I was perfectly happy to help my friends with their homework in break time etc, but this was so different.

Anyway, I'd say something to your DD's teacher.

[thirtysomething]

DS had a similar situation in Y4. Whilst I was pleased that they found himsensible enough to be relied on to "look after" his autistic friend, in the end I had to complain about their reliance on him as it seemed to go too far.

DS was doing very well in maths and literacy and so they would pull him out of his lessons to go and calm down the other child, who was in bottom group for both. their argument was that as DS was ahead, he wouldn't miss anything and therefore would "enjoy" helping his friend....he became a surrogate TA and when his "friend" didn't want to play outside at lunchtime because he didn't like noise (nearly every day) he would be asked to choose a friend to stay in with him. he always chose DS so DS never had outside playtime.

In the end, even though I could really see it from the other child's point of view, I had to make a fuss as it felt detrimental to DS' education, both social and academic and he became quite miserable and withdrawn.

School massively over-reacted by stopping DS having anything to do with the other child, who then also became school resistant and ended up being moved to a different school. I did see that as the school's failure to handle the situation appropriately but I'm certain the other lad's StepMum blamed me and my DS. It left a lot of guilt at the time and of course bad feeling towards the school!

I would be careful as it's a slippery slope once they start using one child to maintain discipline....

[anonymousbrainsnatcher]

So your DD has to have her education disrupted to try and lessen the disruption of others?

No way!

You do not have to accept that. Your DD is being put in a disadvantageous position. It is for the teachers to sort out disruptive influences, not your DD.

YADNBU!

[anonymousbrainsnatcher]

Oh, sorry, we aren't in AIBU!

Yes, I would definitely raise it, informally to start with, but if no satisfactory outcome be prepared to escalate.

[cece]

Just have a quiet word with the teacher. Tell her it is making your DD unhappy. As a teacher myself I would move your DD if I had a quiet word in the ear from a parent about this. No big deal.

[AMumInScotland]

If she's being asked to do this a lot, and she's unhappy about it, then you should definitely speak to the teacher and explain it. It's fair enough for everyone to be expected to be helpful to others, but not to single her out, unless it was something she enjoyed and gave her a feeling of achievement.

The teacher probably thinks this is a good solution which is working fine - let her know that DD is unhappy and has enough to deal with at home.