Autism in ten year old daughter ?!

[Kiki1703]

Hi all, looking for a bit of advice,



My ten year old daughter has never been 'typical' but then who is? She is a very unique, senstive, quiet yet playful and tactile character. She is an only child but due a new sibling in a couple of months.



She has recently become more and more obsessed with other children in her class having autism / adhd. She has asked a few times whether she has it... she says she gets overwhelmed at school and she tries to have special time with teachers but she isnt allowed she does not have a diagnosis. For example ND children can join a group called THRIVE which my dd is desp to join, they also have ear defenders and slime timers which she has asked for. I dont know whether she has autism and she is trying to reach out or whether she sees having autism as a way of getting special attention. She gets lots of attention at home (within reason) and we always talk to her and make her feel special and loved and accepted.



This all came to a head a couple of nights ago where she explained that she feels overwhelmed at school but doesnt cry or get emotional like the other children,, that she doesnt know why, but she can only let her emotions out at home an d they feel ' stuck '.. she is still obsessed with having 1:1 time or being allowed to sit inside at lunchtimes.



From a very young age, these are the behaviours I have observed which I feel may indicate AUTISM / ADHD



SHe has always been extemely fussy, she only eats chicken fish goujons, beef burgers, pizza, pancakes, bananas, lettuce, pikelets, innocent smoothie, milk
She gets frustrated extremely easily and has big meltdowns over homework, bedtime (if she is in the middle of imaginary play or has an idea she needs to draw or get on paper), if we talk whilst she is watching something or she catches us looking at our phone instead of watching with her
Being asked to tidy her room,
She is obsessive about the human body, certain animals, care home kids...
She gets tired, overwhelmed after a big day or busy few days, resulting in meltdowns and needing to stay in for the next day to 'recover'
She is very empathic
Extremely sensitive to critisism to the point where she covers her ears and tells us to stop, no matter how calm and diplomatic we are, she cant bare to hear it
Very shy at school and around most adults and can come across as in 'her own world' and aloof
She is often very dramatic, loud and expressive in her role play
She is extremely artistic, but only likes to draw certain things and only with certain materials otherwise she hates it. Hates craft for example but loves to sketch. She is also very perfectionist and has meltdowns if her drawing is not to her standard.




The reasons I think she doesnt have it are the following:

Although she does meltdown, she gets through and can talk sensibly after she has calmed down and has a very mature ability to ' reflect'
She is sociable and playful with other kids
She is messy
She is emotionally aware




I am wondering whether it is ncessary to get her an assessment or if this is just kid behaviour, I mean kids are all quirky and weird to some degree or other arnt they? But at same time, I would hate to miss something and not get her support if she needs it.



Are yor NT kids similar? ANything looking more obvious to those that do have ND kids?



It feels so hard nowadays to define the difference between traits and actual conditions. I dont want to label her with something that could limit her.. when she is actually just being herself and being a child.



Thanks in advance

[RippleChick]

She sounds extremely similar to my 10yo dd who is waiting assessment for autism.

I'd recommend looking up the Autistic Girls Network (also have a good FB group) and joining 'Parents of Autistic Girls UK' (if you are on FB).

I have had so much support from both groups

[RippleChick]

Sorry forgot to say my dd is really sociable, very empathetic, gives good eye contact etc. Girls present a lot differently to boys which is where the stereotypical traits come from. There's also a good leaflet online called 'keeping it all inside' from the Autistic Girls Network which you might find useful.

[Ponderingwindow]

Sounds very much like my dd who was diagnosed at 9. Girls present very differently than the stereotype.

don’t be afraid of a diagnosis. I am also ASD. I am a successful woman with a husband and child and I didn’t even have any support growing up.

if she doesn’t turn out to have autism, you may still learn valuable information while going through the screening process.

[Kiki1703]

Thanks both… I’ve just seen cost is £2500, there’s no way we can afford that… did any of your kids get screened through NHS? If so, how long was the wait?

[DGPP]

She sounds like an average 10yo I think, mine was still having meltdowns, being particular about food etc at that age. Grew out of it

[outside1inside]

We are almost 18 months into getting an assessment. There is no harm in going to get her assessed. DD has become a lot more obviously autistic since starting secondary school and I wish I had got the ball rolling sooner.

You might be able to go through school. We had to go to our GP.

[RippleChick]

@Kiki1703

Thanks both… I’ve just seen cost is £2500, there’s no way we can afford that… did any of your kids get screened through NHS? If so, how long was the wait?

Unfortunately we have just paid £1750 for assessment (still a 25 week wait to be seen privately!) but she's being seen by someone who specialises in diagnosing girls. Some have had success through the NHS Right to Choose system which means you can be referred to an NHS partner, which cuts the waiting time down a bit. We were really keen to get dd seen before secondary school which is why we couldn't wait any longer.

[mcdonaldschip]

@Kiki1703

Thanks both… I’ve just seen cost is £2500, there’s no way we can afford that… did any of your kids get screened through NHS? If so, how long was the wait?

I got screened through the NHS at 18 after being referred by camhs when I was 17 (it's pretty common for girls in my age group to go undiagnosed until they're an adult, hence why it was picked up so late for me). Might be worth speaking to your DD's gp and see if they can refer her, or point to where you can get help.

You might need a second opinion, if things haven't changed since I was assessed. I didn't get a diagnosis because I didn't show signs of autism when I was young, like how boys show signs, even though this is now pretty common knowledge that girls present autism differently. But this was over 7 years ago so hopefully things have caught up!

[RippleChick]

Also NHS waiting lists completely depend where you are. I'm in Bradford and it's 3+ years but Leeds is 10 (yes TEN) years!!

Just to echo pp above, I'm also on the waiting list for diagnosis and I have a degree, successful career, run a business and happily married so it's not all doom and gloom.

[CadyEastman]

10 years is just fucking unbelievable. Those poor people waiting.

[Roseyposeypie]

I could have written this about my just turned 11 year old. Even some of the details you’ve given about interests etc are the same. My current thought with my own DD is that it’s her questioning her identity and trying to find a reason why she feels different to others and why she often feels like she doesn’t fit in. Some of the reason may be autistic or ADHD traits but at the moment I’m not sure that isn’t just within the realms NT variation. I’ve contacted the SENCO at school and we have a meeting in a couple of weeks to try and unpick some of it. I’m fairly certain that school will say that there isn’t anything that stands out to them and if they do we’ll have to work out whether we accept that reassurance or take it further.

[Angrymum22]

Could it be she is experiencing the start of puberty alongside the arrival of a new sibling. She seems very aware of autism. With so many ND children in school who are being given a great deal of attention is she just feeling left out?
My DS, who is 19, is constantly referring to his mild autism. He is very bright and most of his perceived differences are down to having a brain that processes at a far quicker speed than average. There have been times when I thought he may be mildly autistic but his ability to string me along and his use and understanding of sarcasm suggest otherwise. It does appear to be a trend at the moment. Most of his friends refer to their autistic traits but then most of them did psychology which is where they seem to have self diagnosed
For anyone who is autistic it is important for it to be recognised, but it does seem that every child I see is waiting for assessment ( HCP).

The onset of puberty, the move to secondary school in the next year or so and the long term affect of the pandemic will have an impact on most children of your daughters age. They are far more aware of ND because it’s so out in the open nowadays. We are currently experiencing a huge rise in mental health issues in young people due in part to social media. Everything from head banging exclusively in teenage girls ( the new self harming), suicide, eating disorders and gender identity all fuelled by online “support” groups

If you are concerned make an appointment with your GP and discuss your concerns. Ask for a referral. Without meeting your DD no one on mumsnwt can or is qualified to give a reliable diagnosis since their advice is often very subjective.

How we identify very much depends on those around us if we are NT. We try to blend in, and if you are in a cohort with a significant group of ND individuals your behaviour may reflect that.

[quietautistic]

I think an assessment could well be worth pursuing, here.

What you've described sounds incredibly similar to my own experiences at that age- except I wasn't aware of neurodiversity or the possibility that I could be neurodivergent myself at the time. At primary school, nobody besides my mother had any concerns. I got overwhelmed, I was anxious, but I had a consistent and close friendship group and I always kept myself together at school before absolutely collapsing when I got home. I was messy, and still am, because ADHD means I forget anything I can't see in front of me and I leave everything out. I have even been called "too emotionally aware," to the extent that it harms me, because I can easily obsess over my feelings, issues and flaws. I had a limited diet due to sensory issues and a phobia, but not so limited as to be anything remarkable at age 10.

A lot of these traits became more obvious as I got older, because it seemed like suddenly all my peers progressed and I was stuck as a primary-schooler, still eating primarily chicken nuggets and wanting to play pretend. My friends moved on to new games, new interests, new styles of communication that I simply had no idea how to navigate. Secondary school was where I really fell apart, as I was expected to complete homework as well as schoolwork. As I said, after school I would have shutdowns and meltdowns, everything I'd hidden during the day, and the pressure to do homework meant I wasn't even safe from it all at home. I barely handed anything in, my attendance suffered greatly, and I developed weekly migraines from the stress. I was finally referred to CAMHS at 15, and that's when I found that my mother had suspected it since I first started pre-school. I don't blame her for anything- she tried to pursue a diagnosis when I was 4, but the doctor had told her not to bother because I couldn't be autistic. I am, and I later got diagnosed with ADHD as well.

That's not to say your daughter is autistic, or that she has ADHD. It may be that secondary school, as it is for many autistic girls, is where things become a lot more obvious and requires more support. It may be that she's a quirky, but neurotypical, kid who grows up to be a quirky, but neurotypical, adult. It could be that she sees autistic students offered resources she knows would help her, and it's frustrating that she can't access it. Either way, I'd recommend getting on the waiting list; it can't hurt. If she is autistic, then you have the insight and understanding and you can approach her needs from a more informed angle. And if she isn't, it doesn't really matter. Knowledge is knowledge, and you'll still have a more in-depth understanding of her and her support needs from having done the assessment.

I wish the best to both of you 😊

[EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness]

Although she does meltdown, she gets through and can talk sensibly after she has calmed down and has a very mature ability to ' reflect'
She is sociable and playful with other kids
She is messy
She is emotionally aware

She sounds very like my 12 year old DD who is Autism. She can reflect and talk after meltdowns, is sociable though also has social anxiety, is messy, is very empathetic.

Autism involves social communication issues but they become apparent at different ages depending on the individual. A lot of kids that mask well can cope socially until teen years when social interactions become a lot more complex. Some Autistic kids don't visibly struggle until they're early adults. Some children can mimic behaviour well. Some. children mask well so behavioural struggles or meltdowns are only seen in one part of their life for example at home.

I have a couple of issues with the whole my child doesn't need a diagnosis yet stance.

1. Diagnosis can take a long time, a 2 year wait isn't unusual. If you wait until your child is struggling then its another 18 months to 2 years of struggling until they can access support.
2. It isn't really a diagnosis, it's part of people's identity and having been around a lot of adults who didn't get diagnosed till their 30s or 40s Ive seen that not knowing can do a lot of damage.
3. A lot of people only think of Autism in relation to a child's need for educational support. They see the possible downsides of a diagnosis, but they don't do the research to see the costs of not knowing who you are and of feeling like you're different and you don't fit.
4. Things can suddenly get to much. Children that mask well they can go from seeming to be fine to struggling rapidly.
5. Its generally easier to get support needs documented and supports in place before a child reaches secondary school.

I wasn't sure with my DD when I put her name on a waiting list with someone that works a lot with girls that mask. Not everyone who's qualified to assess for Autism is equally good. 18 months down rhe track we were still waiting, but I was very sure DD was Autistic and she'd spent a year of that time feeling increasingly isolated and different from her peers. The last few months of that wait she was desperate for answers and hoping for q diagnosis to explain why she felt the way she did.

Tried to edit extra spacing but can't.