DD's friend came out with random nasty comments - unsure how to handle this

[TeaAddicted]

My DD is 11 and in the last year of Primary school. About 2 years ago, she made friends with a girl who moved to the area and started in her year. They've been in the same class since that time and have been friends, spending most weekends together.

Today we invited DD's friend over and they were watching TV in DD's room. The friend was meant to go home about 6pm but we heard the front door slam around 3 and DD said the friend had gone home. DD looked very shaky, a bit shocked and it was hard to get her to open up. She was quiet all evening and eventually told me what happened after dinner.

DD told me that while they were in DD's room, her friend opened her wardrobe and started looking through her clothes. She began saying things like 'look at how many boyish clothes you have. You don't have any pretty dresses or skirts, all your clothes are trousers and shorts.' DD tried to explain that she does have some girly clothes but prefers sporty clothes because they're comfortable. Her friend replied 'my mum says that you're like a boy and you might as well be a boy because you dress like one all the time.' DD was upset by this and told her so and her friend said she wasn't going to be spoken to like that and stormed out of the house. She only lives a 5 minute walk away and often walks home alone so this isn't a big deal but I am upset for DD about what she said to her.

DD does a lot of sports and has always been an active child who feels happy wearing sportswear. I asked DD if she thinks her friend's mum really did say this and she became tearful and said that her DD's mum has been making her feel awkward when she goes round there for a while.

I'm wondering if it's something to do with the secondary school choices because my DD was accepted into a selective school while her friend wasn't and was disappointed about this. DD says that her friend's mum now makes comments about DD being more intelligent than everyone else. Apparently they were watching a film with a few other friends and her mum came in and that said only my DD could understand it because it had a complex plot so the other girls shouldn't bother watching it.

I am so angry that this has been going on and I feel like an adult has been bullying my DD and should know better. I don't know the friend's parents very well and have only chatted occasionally during school pick ups/drop offs or when I've picked DD up from theirs. They work a lot and usually the friend's older siblings take care of her.

I'm not sure how to handle this. DD is upset with her friend and feels like she's been saying horrible things about her to other girls in the class. She feels like she's lost a friend and is confused about this sudden outburst. I am also wondering whether I should bring this up to the girl's mum. Any thoughts would be appreciated because I want to support my DD. At the moment she's dreading going back to school because of this.

I don't think anything good will come of speaking to the mum tbh.

You are better off speaking to the school and explaining there has been some nasty comments from the friend that seem to be actually coming from her parents and that DD needs support.

I don't think anything good will come of speaking to the mum tbh.
Agree with this. It won't help or make a difference.

You are better off speaking to the school and explaining there has been some nasty comments from the friend that seem to be actually coming from her parents and that DD needs support.
Could not disagree with this more!!!!
In no sense is this a school issue.
I'd suggest you do your own parenting.
By this I mean talking to your child and supporting her in her clothing choices, and talking her through how to deal with unkind words from a "friend". What friendship means, what to let go and what to challenge. How to deal with what is not acceptable and how to move forward.

Say nothing but don't invite this individual to your home again, and be glad that they won't be at the same secondary school

I reckon it’s all to do with jealousy over the 11+. Parental more than the ‘friend’ probably. That’s who is fuelling it anyway. I always used to tell my dc to feel sorry for anyone who was nasty to them, because they are usually deeply unhappy. Happy people have no urge to be horrible to others.

If this girl is badmouthing to other girls in the class then it is being brought into school.

The op doesn't go asking the school to deal with it but so they are aware of what has happened and her DD may need more support at school/be struggling with the change in dynamics.

Children, and their parents can 'project' when the school places come through. It isn't everyone though, there are a lot of kind parents too.

I went through it twice. It was horrible. The first time, thankfully, my DS had a friend he was going with. The second time I just kept myself to myself and told my DS to be sensitive about the disappointment some friends might be feeling.

By University it is much less unkind.

Your poor DD.

I disagree here. You haven’t been able to stop the girl or her mum saying unkind things to your daughter in your own houses, so the schools is going to be able to do even less.

This down to you as her parent to support her to manage the situation. She can’t change them being odd or bitchy but she can decide how to respond.

At this stage, with only a few weeks of primary school to go, I'd say don't make too much of a big deal of this. She'll probably come across worse comments in her time! Encourage her to play with other children. Can you meet up with any of the girls going to the same secondary as her?

I agree that there will probably be no benefit in talking to the mum. She mighr well be trying to re-frame her DD's definition of personal value to help her daughter at a moment of disappointment. Looking from the outside, her choice would appear to be very much not the way modern young women either see themselves or are judged by others now. But her DD is her main concern. You have my heartfelt sympathy.

I'd speak to school and make them aware so they can support your dd.

I'd text the mother and tell her your dd will no longer be going to their house as you are aware of how she has been treated. And that you have spoken to the school about her dd behaviour towards your dd.

@TeaAddicted how did this play out? Ie also come across some parents with shocking behaviour. I hope its all been OK and your DD and you figured a path through?

@LadyLazlo It's been a challenging few weeks but there have also been some positive moments. DD has not been back to the friend's house since and the friend hasn't come here. I did end up mentioning the friend's comments to the class teacher because the friend was still spreading rumours around the class that my DD wanted to be a boy. Obviously this upset DD a lot. The school dealt with it quite well. The teacher spoke to the girl and has been monitoring things to stop it from escalating. It's been difficult for me to watch my DD's sadness about the loss of the friendship when she doesn't understand why. At the start, she kept asking what she did wrong but she hasn't mentioned the girl for a couple of weeks now.

I've been speaking to a few parents on Facebook who have children starting at DD's new school next year. We had a meet up a few weeks ago so that the kids could get to know each other and my DD chatted with a girl who has similar interests to her. She invited DD to join her basketball club and DD has been a few times and says she's enjoying it so that's a welcome distraction.

I didn't speak to the friend's mum in the end. I thought it best to distance ourselves from the family because neither the mum or the daughter were very kind to my DD. Thanks for asking how it went.