She is vain. It sounds horrible, but it’s true. She is constantly saying things like, “I’m so glad I’m beautiful” and “I’m so glad I don’t have chubby fingers like some of the other kids in my class” and “My hair is so nice, I’m really proud of it.” She doesn’t have a phone and personal appearance is not really much of a topic of discussion at home. We don’t talk about other people in terms of their looks. I have personal experience of how destructive it can be to be raised by someone who puts a lot of value on looks, so whilst we don’t completely avoid complimenting appearance, we try to praise other traits like kindness, hard work, and empathy more than appearance. The only thing I can think is that she is one of the older girls in her year, and many of her peers (according to her) tell her she is pretty all the time. She is also a bit of a trend setter; for example, after we bought her winter coat, 3 other girls in her class went out and bought the same or similar. I think all of the peer affirmation has maybe gone to her head.
Now, as her mother, I also think she is a pretty girl, but I worry for her that she is beginning to think that her value as a person is mainly tied to her appearance. I also worry that she’ll put that value system on other people. I don’t want to raise a Regina George. She has so much more to offer the world than just her looks, as do her friends.
How do I gently encourage some humility whilst not harming her self esteem, which I suspect is actually quite fragile underneath the bravado? I am really glad she feels beautiful when so many do not at that age, but I don’t want to raise the kind of person who places all of her value (or the value of others) on it.
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How do I encourage humility in 10yo DD without harming self esteem?
Travelsweat · 09/02/2024 07:30
stcrispinsday · 09/02/2024 07:35
Do you compliment her achievements rather than her innate character traits? Does she have any hobbies that could give her a sense of achievement and self esteem? I feel like that could be helpful and give her something to focus on other than her appearance.
HoneyButterPopcorn · 09/02/2024 07:55
I would very gently tell her that it’s wonderful that she is so confident, happy with her skills etc but that it may sound rather boastful and make others feel a little bad if they have fat fingers or whatever.
The risk is that she will be ‘brought down a rung or two’ at school and that could be really hurtful for her, or find herself in a situation when someone gets really offended and you know how kids can be…
I was the kid who always thought o was too skinny/ugly/stupid, so I admire her self belief!
BlindurErBóklausMaður · 09/02/2024 08:00
Actually, it's not her age. I don't know many 10 year old girls who walk around telling everyone how gorgeous they are.
Does she have relatives who go on about her beauty and talent or something?
Sounds quite bizarre.
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