Year 8: FOMO and friendships in school

[TowlesAmory]

I am sure I am not the only parent experiencing this and would love to hear from parents on this forum.
I have a Year 8 daughter going to a central London school. She is doing well in school and is well regarded by her teachers.

I think she is well liked by girls in her year (or at least not disliked). She has struggled to become part of a group, which has meant that often she is sitting alone as it’s a class of odd number of girls. She has also not been invited to birthdays or other social events by her peer group; she has friends part of other peer groups who have gone out. She feels bad, and it’s not ideal, but that’s life.

But all of this means that, some Sunday evenings, she is in tears about the week at school. She is sad that if she is sometimes sat at a table by herself, no one else joins her. I think a lot of it is just bad luck and not deliberate. I hope I am right.

Should add that she has not refused to go to school and gets on with stuff. She even has fun in school but says that she feels alone.

I don’t know if her issues are just a function of age and this is partly her putting a lot of pressure on herself: how she is perceived by others/popular girls, fear of being ‘judged’ by the popular group, worrying about being in the ‘right’ crowd, not being ‘weird’, etc. I make it a point to encourage her and reassure her that things will get better. Anything else I can be doing?

Another issue is that she feels ‘invisible’. This weekend, she was upset as some girls she thought were friends were out together and posted some photos. She was hurt that she wasn’t invited. I suggested again that it may not have been deliberate. Just an oversight as they are in different forms. Not disliked by anyone but not noticed and not actively included. She says she puts her hand up in class, has volunteered for and spoken in school assemblies, is in clubs, etc. So, she seems to be doing everything she can do.

Any tips on how she can be less invisible to her class despite all of this? If you have daughters in Year 8, could you ask them what they think might be going on?

Or does she just have massive FOMO and no matter what is happening, she will be looking over her shoulder and feeling sorry for herself? If the latter, any wise words that won’t result in a “OMG you don’t understand anything” response?!
Thank you for reading!

[TowlesAmory]

Bump. Anyone?

[XelaM]

Aw I'm so sorry to hear this. I have a daughter in Year 8 so will ask her. But could your daughter ask one or more of the girls to go out shopping or something like that? Like to Westfield? Or to the cinema?

[XelaM]

Or invite one or more girls for a sleepover?

[PeekAtYou]

My dd is now at uni but admits that SM has created FOMO in so many of her generation. In year 11/12 she started putting her phone on Do Not Disturb for several hours a day. She realised that all the notifications and messages were fuelling her FOMO and that it was great not knowing what others were up to. Being uncontactable led to her friends assuming that she was up to something amazing when she was at home doing normal stuff like watching TikTok.

The friend thing is hard. Does she walk to school with friends? Does she have different friends on different classes? In a way life would be easier if everybody was always in the same class like at primary but meeting a bigger pool of people also means increasing the likelihood of meeting someone who ends up your next friend.

My dd was recently saying that you couldn't pay her to go back to year 7/8. She's happy with her life now but she looks back at early secondary and wishes she knew then what she knew now and could have been a little more outgoing. I wouldn't go back to that age either. It's really hard and life really improved for me when I gained more self confidence.

[TowlesAmory]

Thank you so much for reading and responding!
My daughter takes the tube back home with friends. I do think that she is sensitive - she is helpful and gets hurt when that isn’t responded. She gave me the example of girls asking her about a test her form had and because they were friends and she thought she had to, she told them what to expect. When she asked them about another test, they told her they couldn’t share the details as it would be unfair. So she is still navigating those social dynamics and figuring out how to be kind and at the same time, not get hurt.
I feel it will get better. Either because she gets used to it (not in a sad way), or she gets what she wants (group of girls she can work with and be friends with). Hopefully the latter.
I am just honestly also a bit exhausted with it all, partly because I have no idea how to help other than listen to her, and then I get all sad and worked up and can’t sleep!

[XelaM]

If they are nice to her, I would try inviting them out rather than wait to be invited - either for a party/sleepover at home or shopping/to the cinema.

I would also try encourage friendships outside of school so she doesn't feel like her school friends are her whole world. Maybe friends from primary that now go to a different secondary or from an activity outside of school. My daughter's closest friends are actually from her horse riding club.

[TowlesAmory]

Thank you so much Xelam. Her best friend is lovely girl from primary school who goes to a different school. They are chatting daily.
I have suggested to my daughter that she takes the initiative to invite people over. She doesn’t want to - yet. She says she would come across as a ‘try hard’. I am learning as we go. Another expression I learnt: “conversation buster”. That’s when someone joins in and kills the vibe/conversation. She is always thinking about that when trying to join in chats in the form room. I so envy the parents of girls who don’t worry about these things; who are happy in their own skins. Good for them and long may that last.
But what all this means, in short, is that my daughter (and possibly others like her) are too scared to join in or even take the initiative for fear of rejection. I guess it’s their path and their journey. But it’s hard to watch as a parent and you can only hope that it gets easier.

[Donotgogentle]

It sounds stressful op and your dd does sound a bit isolated.

Is she chasing friendships with girls who are too cool for her? It sounds like she needs to find her tribe.

I agree with pp about developing friendships outside school too, which may take the pressure off a bit.

[HowVeryBizarre]

Y8 is a tough year for girls friendship wise and social media/tech has definitely made things worse. DD had an App where you could literally see a little avatar of where everyone was, I was very happy when they all got bored of that one. Even now at 18 she gets upset when one of her closest friends keeps saying she is too busy to meet up with her but she can see pictures of nights out with other friends. There isn’t a lot you can do tbh except encourage your DD’s friendships with girls outside of school and see if she wants to invite some school friends over. The trouble with that one though is if they say no and she then sees them all together elsewhere or they don’t show up. I feel your pain!

[TowlesAmory]

Thank you HowVerybizzare. It is very reassuring to know I and my daughter are not alone. It will get better and easier for all of us. That’s the way of things. Ups and downs I guess.
I think part of it is that we as parents are so much more involved in our children’s emotional and mental well-being than previous generations, but we are also clueless. It’s tough. I work full time as well. I am either stressing about work or about my daughter. Some days, I feel shredded.

[spiderontheceiling]

There are a few things you can do.
First, email her form tutor and explain some of what you've told us, particularly about always being sat at a desk by herself in lessons. Some of the teachers can introduce seating plans to their lessons so that your DD isn't always left by herself and gets mixed up with other people. It should be done in a manner which doesn't suggest that your DD is the driving force behind this. My DD is also in Yr8 and they have seating plans for most lessons which get changed every half term. Teachers are encouraged to be "innovative" rather than doing it alphabetically by name so that the children constantly mix. One does it my height order (constantly changing in Yr8), one does it alphabetically based on your favourite book/meal/sports team etc.
Encourage DD to join clubs and societies, even if it's just to go to the library and help there. I spent most of Yr8 & 9 lunchtimes as a library monitor as it gave me a chance to escape and not be so obviously the odd one out.
Suggest a couple of activities that your DD does with friends. Cinema & meal; bowling and back to yours. The activity should break the ice as well as (hopefully) being enough of a lure that they not only accept the invitation but turn up as well.

[TowlesAmory]

Thank you spiderontheceilong. I might do that: email the form tutor about seating plans. Thank you.

[Striktherobyn]

towles I have similar issues with my year 8 dd too, so just know you’re not alone. In fact I think these friendship difficulties are common.

We had a horrendous year 7, dd did have friends but was then excluded from the group due to the colour of her skin. It got to the point she was spending lunchtimes in the toilets and walking to classes alone. Unfortunately my eldest dd who attends the same school would often tell me how she saw her sister at school on her own, often looking upset. It broke my heart.

We had lots of issues with there being no seating plan in lessons with the teachers saying “sit with your friends” which as you can imagine was awful for my dd who ended up sitting alone. I had to email a teacher once who seemed to think it was normal that the rest of her class were doing projects in groups and presenting their work to her in groups whilst my dd was the only girl working on her own and presenting on her own!

She has made some friends in year 8 but I worry constantly about her, my eldest dd said she saw her sister on her own one lunchtime which starts me panicking.

I would reinforce joining clubs, my dd went to lunchtime music clubs so at least she had somewhere to go. I’ve told her to go to the library too if she finds herself alone.

Secondary school is so tough & the more I talk to other parents the more I realise so many girls have these friendship issues especially if they’re quiet. My friends who have sons say it’s a log lot easier for boys as they tend to play football and other games during breaks and don’t have all these cliques which girls seem to have.

[TowlesAmory]

Thank you for sharing Striketherobyn. I hope things get easier for your daughter; I am sorry she was being excluded for her skin colour.

I am not from the U.K.; came here to do my masters and now work in professional services. My 12 year old has experienced more racism (always in school) than I have in my 22 years in London. It’s not nice and it has affected her confidence. The vast majority of the girls are nice, but it just takes a handful to pass the odd comments and if they are in the loud/popular groups, the rest don’t dare challenge them.

I need to find a way to ask the school to try and have seating plans or ensure there are no odd number arrangements (my daughter hates it when I bring things up at school - according to her, I make it worse). My daughter also goes to the library when she can find no one or has no one.

I also wish (for the millionth time) that schools didn’t make such a big deal about friendships and having best friends. The romanticised version of these friendships (idealised in movies and TV shoes) just add to FOMO.

[Striktherobyn]

towles it’s just heartbreaking isn’t it? DD mentioned last week that some friends were going to the cinema. All week I was worrying she wouldn’t end up going, didn’t mention it to her, but was literally on tenterhooks hoping she’d say she’d need dropping off at the cinema. She didn’t go. I don’t know if they went without her but she spent all weekend sad. I hate how she spends most weekends alone. She mentioned today that a friend from primary has asked her to the cinema so I will spend all week getting my hopes up. I also have a full time job and other dc but so much time is spent worrying about all this. It’s mentally exhausting!

Agree about the huge propaganda about friends. I have heard more stories from friends about their dd’s struggling in school with friendship issues than stories about how girls have huge friendship groups. Have you seen that advert on tv where a dad is talking to his teenager daughter about school and she opens up to him about when she walks over to a friend she refuses to talk and laughs at her? It upsets me every time.

[TowlesAmory]

Striketherobyn, another thought I had is on the academics. How is your daughter doing in class? I find that when mine is struggling, I ask her to focus on school work. If she does well in tests, it does make her feel confident. And I would hope it translates into confidence in the social aspects of school. Just a thought. Does not always work, but it doesn’t give them something to feel positive about.

[Boomboom22]

Just to let you know, speaking in assemblies and participating in class will not help her make friends. As a teacher I love it but socially it's death unless you are a strong personality with a group already. As you say you are not from the UK you may not realise the culture. Yes even in grammar schools.

[TowlesAmory]

Thank you BoomBoom. I hadn’t appreciated that. The feedback from all her teachers is that she is quiet, and while she answers questions she is asked, she should volunteer questions and opinions on class. I guess they don’t know her issues with friends/groups and aren’t thinking in terms of those issues?
As a teacher, what do you think could help a quiet ‘invisible’ 12 year old in a Year 8 of strong personalities fit in better/be included?
Thank you.

[Borris]

I'm following with interest. My dd is year 7 at a girls school and seems to be struggling with friends. I even found her doing another girl's homework in an attempt to be liked. She says she'd do anything to get in with this gang of girls and I worry for her

[TowlesAmory]

Sorry to hear that Borris.
Form tutor has taken on board the seating plan idea. I don’t think my daughter is entirely thrilled as she finds herself sat next to girls she doesn’t know well.
I do think she needs to take a step back and relax and enjoy school and just let things be. No point overthinking these issues. It is what it is and maybe if she just lets it be, things work out? I know that’s the advice I would use myself and she is only 12 and after all, it is hard being by yourself in a school environment. I don’t think there is any easy resolution because girls / children aren’t all full of empathy looking out for each other. They look out for themselves and to have fun.
I started this chat to hear from others in similar positions. I hope our girls find it easier to be included. But at the same time, I am reassured that it’s not just my daughter. I feel there are more girls in schools who struggle with these issues than those who are 100% happy. Even those in friendships have issues. So it’s not all as amazing as my daughter thinks. But I hope she finds what she is looking for. And all of yours too.

[Tillsforthrills]

@TowlesAmory

I am sure I am not the only parent experiencing this and would love to hear from parents on this forum.
I have a Year 8 daughter going to a central London school. She is doing well in school and is well regarded by her teachers.

I think she is well liked by girls in her year (or at least not disliked). She has struggled to become part of a group, which has meant that often she is sitting alone as it’s a class of odd number of girls. She has also not been invited to birthdays or other social events by her peer group; she has friends part of other peer groups who have gone out. She feels bad, and it’s not ideal, but that’s life.

But all of this means that, some Sunday evenings, she is in tears about the week at school. She is sad that if she is sometimes sat at a table by herself, no one else joins her. I think a lot of it is just bad luck and not deliberate. I hope I am right.

Should add that she has not refused to go to school and gets on with stuff. She even has fun in school but says that she feels alone.

I don’t know if her issues are just a function of age and this is partly her putting a lot of pressure on herself: how she is perceived by others/popular girls, fear of being ‘judged’ by the popular group, worrying about being in the ‘right’ crowd, not being ‘weird’, etc. I make it a point to encourage her and reassure her that things will get better. Anything else I can be doing?

Another issue is that she feels ‘invisible’. This weekend, she was upset as some girls she thought were friends were out together and posted some photos. She was hurt that she wasn’t invited. I suggested again that it may not have been deliberate. Just an oversight as they are in different forms. Not disliked by anyone but not noticed and not actively included. She says she puts her hand up in class, has volunteered for and spoken in school assemblies, is in clubs, etc. So, she seems to be doing everything she can do.

Any tips on how she can be less invisible to her class despite all of this? If you have daughters in Year 8, could you ask them what they think might be going on?

Or does she just have massive FOMO and no matter what is happening, she will be looking over her shoulder and feeling sorry for herself? If the latter, any wise words that won’t result in a “OMG you don’t understand anything” response?!
Thank you for reading!

This is all very normal at that age OP, she still has time to find her group or a good friend or two so remain reassuring to her. It’s not a good idea for her to call them out or seem upset that they didn’t invite her as girls that age are very fickle and it could divide them more.

In your shoes I’d organise a few fun things and outings for the girls she likes. I’d also encourage her to not overlook girls that aren’t in the groups she likes (some groups are just not worth it).

I’d start to have them over too for meals and sleepovers and get familiar with the other mums.

[TowlesAmory]

Thank you Tills!

I have offered to organise movies and have suggested to my daughter that she invites the girls she hangs out with. But she doesn’t want to and doesn’t want me to initiate. We tell her that efforts to make friends has to be maintained after school too by organising opportunities to spend time. So that’s why I think it’s partly her. She wants friends in school but she finds it exhausting to put in the effort, especially on weekends and after school as she needs the time-off to decompress. I get that. Part of it, she tells me, is also that she doesn’t want to come across as trying too hard. I will try again. I have also asked her not to overlook the less obvious friend groups.

[Stokey]

I have a Y8 daughter too. She has a nice group but am always aware of friendship issues. As others have said, I think Y8 & Y9 are the worst times. She travels quite far to school and so her friends are really spread around. There is only one she gets the tube with and then another lot they meet on the train. She sometimes feels left out from the train gang. I really encourage meeting other friends - she has a drama class that has no-one from her school there, and meets primary friends occasionally. But generally she's quite tired on weekends so often can't be bothered to meet friends. Maybe the others aren't doing as much as your daughter thinks.

I also think it's easier to navigate them one on one so rather than meet in a big group where she'd be overwhelmed, maybe just go to cinema or shops with one or two?

Quite shocked by the racism in London schools. My experience is that they're very diverse and anything like that is an absolute red line.

[TheaBrandt]

Sounds like she hadn’t found her tribe yet. Dd1 found her friendship group in year 9 made easier by the classes being more “settled” so she met more girls who were like minded.

Dd2 year 9 is on her third friendship group but this one has stuck. They got together Christmas of year 8. The first friendship group she stopped to do up her shoe and nobody waited for her “realised they weren’t really my friends mum”. She needs to find some like minded girls and suggest stuff. Do hope it comes together for her.

[TheaBrandt]

If she finds them an effort they are not right. Dd2 year 9 is so easy with her close friends they come here and bake and just hang out. It’s not an effort / putting on a front like the other group was.