Level on Independence Age 11

[Tealbox]

My DD just turned 11 a week ago and is "young" for her age in that she still loves building and playing with things, soft toys, doesn't care about clothes and hair etc. She's NT & doing well at school. She's an only child and I always appreciated the fact that she's doesn't seem to be in a hurry to grow up.
However, I'm starting to get concerned about her lack of independence. She hates being home alone, although as a single mum, I've had to pop out for 30min max a few times over the past year.
I hear about children walking home from school & letting themselves in. My dd wouldn't even know how to use the front door key!
She baths herself (after me telling her 3 times to go in the bath) and could do hair herself, but I still help occasionally.
She gets snacks & could make a sandwich, but doesn't use the microwave.
She does not tidy up after herself unless it's a bribe.
She's starting Yr 7 (summer born) which is on a public bus route and I just can't see her managing it, which is fine because I plan to fetch her by moving my lunch break/her going to a friends one day a week.
Just wondering if this is normal and what I can start doing to increase her independence?

[TeenDivided]

My DD was still into cuddly toys etc when she went to secondary.
However you won't be doing her any favours not pushing basic independence. You need to give her a key and show her how to use it, and you need to spend the next 2 weeks practicing the bus route.

[thewalrus]

All sounds within the parameters of normal to me.
My kids are a bit older now, but from what I remember they were fairly similar.
They were all walking home from school (5 minute walk, one large-ish road with a crossing). They weren't keen/confident with keys at that age. Could all get a simple cold breakfast and lunch. All needed reminding about hairwashing etc and one needed help with hairbrushing.
They were going to the park with friends on their own a bit and would pop to our local shop on their own (again, two were more confident about this than the other).
One DD in particular still loved small world play etc at that age (she will still very happily engage in it if there are younger kids about, but doesn't do it herself anymore at 13).
We're walking distance from the secondary school. They walked (with friends) right from day 1. One of them would call me and chat on their walk home in the early weeks, which he found helpful. In your situation, I would prioritise building travelling independence now - the friends I have who began by driving their kids to school with a view to them beginning to travel by train/bus in due course are all still taking their kids themselves now that they're going into Y9. I'd do as a PP suggested, build it up gradually over the holidays.
I think it's really important to remember that kids all develop differently. Ultimately they are neurologically wired to seek out independence over their teens, but as with other development that comes at different stages for different kids. And that's fine. I have two kids who tend to strive for independence - as young teens they can, for example, walk the dogs, cook a family meal, travel to our nearest city by train, be left alone for the day, maintain personal hygiene. I have another who is far less driven and confident and more anxious, but is progressing slowly with her own stuff (e.g., went to a friend's house when she hadn't been before and wasn't totally sure of the way recently), so I think she'll get there.

[InglouriousBasterd]

I’d also add - when she first started secondary I had a big whiteboard with a list of things she needed to do - even down to teeth brushing, get lunch etc. Then I asked her to write the list, and now she does it naturally.

[InglouriousBasterd]

My DD was just the same a year ago - also summer born, very similar circumstances. I’ve been amazed how much more independent she has become over year 7 (although still struggles with the front door key…! Luckily I WFH!)

Definitely try going through the bus route with her over summer, even if she’s likely having a lift home at first. I used to have to shower / hair nag but now she’s more aware of her appearance and does things for herself, which has happened over the last year. She has to contribute to household chores and gets monthly pocket money now in return.

Genuinely I have found year 7 to be a catalyst in growing up and I really could have written your OP a year ago! She’s still cuddly and very close to me but does have independence.

[RainPlease]

Are you going to try and work on the getting to school bit? I also have a DD starting secondary and we’ve been building up her independence. We’re going to do the bus route together and then I will probably do it sitting somewhere else on the bus and then let her do it solo, I might ride the bus behind and meet up with her. Mine is ND so I wouldn’t just throw her on the bus and hope for the best. You can do these things gradually and help them build confidence.

[Tealbox]

@Sherrystrull that's a good idea. She does respond well to incentives.

[Sherrystrull]

Could you make a task list for her to earn pocket money each week?

E.g.
Everyday you need to make your bed, put clothes in the wash basket, empty your lunchbox etc

[Tealbox]

She wouldn't make her bed or tidy her room spontaneously, but would do it if asked (a few times).
Possibly related, my mum's staying with us for a couple of weeks and commented that we're too attached. For example, when I'm at work, or if she's at her dad's, she'd text me "Love ya" or "missing ya" and is basically around me all the time.

[Luzina]

They’re all different. She will undoubtedly become more independent when she goes to secondary school. My 11yo stepdaughter doesn’t have a clue how to use the microwave, I don’t think she’s ever made a sandwich either. She baths herself/washes her own hair without any issues but I waited until she was happy to do it herself (the hair washing). She hasn’t had to be at home on her own but she’ll handle it when she’s ready. 11 is still pretty young really

[GrazingSheep]

Show her how to use a front door key.
Start teaching her how to cook and bake.
Does she make her bed and tidy her room?

[Tealbox]

Also she is very sweet and cuddly, which I enjoy, but don't want to be guilty of mollycoddling her.