behaviour son 9

[whatreallymatters45]

Just came back from staying with a friend after Christmas. I felt stressed throughout.

My friend, a woman in her sixties has had a back problem which is debilitating and made it difficult for her to leave the house, it is due to an injury and slowly getting better.It has been hard for her emotionally and physically. I did suggest we didn't come but she insisted and often enjoys our company. She is normally out and about, and working part-time in an academic and professional role.
We stay with this friend frequently and she is a good friend of mine. She has many wonderful qualities and has been exceedingly kind. However even when my friend is well she can be abrupt and cutting in her comments. She often has a low tolerance for my son's rowdy and sometimes rude behaviour. When my friend reprimanded my son or cut him off when he was talking the ruder he became. I told him off when he was rude but felt angry and upset when she was talking over the top of him or ignoring (some of his well meaning remarks).

Worse was to come, another friend of my friend's arrived with his teenage son. My son was excited and I think anxious about this. Anyway my son became so excited and hyper and he talked over the top of others and tried to be part of the conversation and I did try to include him but he became boisterous and rude when my host continued to cut him of or exclude him. It was a nightmare. If there had just the two of us and he was at home I would have been better placed to deal with it. The dad and son stayed for a night and the next day the four of us, (not the friend with the back problem) went on a long walk and that was mostly enjoyable.
I do discipline my son for rudeness and constantly talk about how to behave when with others (i.e waiting for someone to finish speaking before speaking, keeping his voice at a reasonable volume, and appreciating that people can be irritable and not at their best when they are unwell etc). However he does not behave well when stressed he becomes loud and will sometimes even say things which he knows are not appropriate or are embarrassing.

At home he is very affectionate and loving. He is also extremely argumentative and lately many of my questions are answered in an angry and defiant manner. Getting him to do homework, read, get ready for school, get off the iPad are an ongoing struggle.He is also quite reactionary. I need some help with this. I am a single parent without family support. If anyone has had similar issues with a 9 year old boy or similar, and can share words of wisdom I would be grateful.

[Mediumred]

Hmm, that does sound very impulsive even for a nine-year-old, how does he get on at school, how does he seem in relation to his friends? Like when they play together does he seem noticeably more childish/impulsive than them, have school raised any concerns?

It definitely sounds like you are handling it really well but it can be very exhausting and you feel you aren’t getting anywhere with him. I dunno, like I say I know nine-year-old boys can be daft as brushes but I would have expected him to be able to control himself a little better in quite a time-limited scenario of being shown round a property.

[whatreallymatters45]

Thanks Mediumred. I have pretty much left the holiday behaviour alone. He does understand that talking over top of people is not on but it is another story getting him to behave appropriately when I am with some other adults. When I have visitors with a child he is usually ok.
Yesterday, after a child friendly morning at home, I was looking at the property with him and he was shoving past the real estate agent, opening every cupboard, drawer available and talking over top the the agent. I told him to stop whilst we were there but had to remind him several times. When we spoke about it later he said 'I know it was wrong but I couldn't help it'. I told him that I knew he could behave politely because I have seen him do it before. We agreed that it's fine to ask questions when no one else is talking. But opening drawers, cupboards (frantically as he was, was not on). The real estate agent even had to ask his to stop. I feel I have to preempt so many situations (which is not always possible) and recap on behaviour expectations and respecting others when deep down he knows how to behave and can be well mannered.

[Mediumred]

Also, don’t be too hard on him about the trip, the stuff you value about the visit - the country air, change of scene, etc - won’t appeal in the same way to him, especially when he doesn’t have anyone to play with (not saying you shouldn’t go but it might be more a treat for you rather than him)

[Mediumred]

Totally see where you are coming from, normally your friend seems much more accommodating but she this time she was ill and less able to make space for him and more easily irritated. I know in an ideal world he would remember past kindnesses but most kids don’t work like that and it was boring for him this time (not saying he should have been allowed to get away with his behaviour but it was certainly understandable and lots of people much bigger than 9 are only around for the good times!)

I guess i’m Saying that while you might not be happy with your boy’s behaviour, it is what nine-year-olds do, you sound like you are doing really well teaching him the values of kindness, tolerance, patience but they are lessons that need to be re-taught, reiterated.

[MissMarplesKnitting]

He's a boy. Generally homework etc is considered CA huge interruption to their life. It's fairly normal!!

Just make some rules and be consistent. My DS same age can overtalk and so we had to agree conversation rules and he's fine now. He's generally brilliant, but can have moods and strops and sulk as well as being daft and hyper occasionally etc. The joy of hormones.

It's learning the skills we expect of them as they get older. We stop expecting the tantrums, silly excited "little kid" behaviour as preteens....but then we forget sometimes they still need these skills teaching them in the same way they need teaching how to wipe their bums, hold a pen or do up buttons.

Calm conversation, rules in place, stick with the consequences. Sounds like he's done just fine after you've spoken to him.

[whatreallymatters45]

Thanks for posts. Much appreciated. His concentration is 100% when on screens however he can concentrate on things like Lego, construction, some books, craft and things he is into. Homework is normally a real challenge in that he wants to get it done as quickly as possible with minimal effort. i don't let him get away with the minimal effort part but it results in regular meltdowns.
I appreciate that spending time with my friend can be tough for him but she does go to a lot of effort to ensure we do things that are of interest to him when she is well. It is a balancing act. I want to retain a friendship and have a break from the city and it is sometimes relaxing to go to a small, beautiful village and spend time outdoors. My friend, has, as I said got many wonderful qualities and has been very good to my son. So whilst I understand it is difficult for him when there are no other children about rudeness is not acceptable. Finances are tight and it isn't easy for us to get out of London and visiting my friend is one of the only ways we get out of the city. Generally we do not spend time sitting about indoors, my friend bakes with my son, we go out walking, to the park, to a nearby lamma farm, etc. I think the main problem is that there are not children of a similar age for my son to play with. I have, in the past, put a post on here in a regional section asking if there are others in this area with children we could met up with at the park but have had no response.
At home the constant arguing and defiant responses are very testing.

[Mediumred]

Umm, i’m Not sure, sounds pretty standard 9-year-old boy behaviour in a slightly non-child friendly environment. I think it would be pretty dull for him at your friend’s before the teen arrived, she doesn’t sound especially accommodating of kids, he’s a lively lad and wants to join in the conversation which is fair enough, he shouldn’t have to be ‘seen and not heard’! And when the teen arrives he’s naturally very excited.

The stuff at home certainly doesn’t sound out of the ordinary, every NT preteen I know is glued to the iPad til you wrench them off it, how is he at school?

I have a reasonably compliant tho increasingly moody DD10, she has a few things that she has to do - Homework, pets, music practice etc - and if she does them she gets the iPad, dunno, that’s the deal and although there might be a bit of muttering it seems she accepts it. I think she would have found the situation at your friend’s tedious in the extreme!

Good luck, I think he sounds a lovely, standard-issue 9-year-old.

[Xmasmummy987]

Possibly ADHD ? I’ve got a 13 year old with ADHD who has a constantly daily struggle which involves interrupting peopl , intruding conversations , shouting out in school , excessive talking . Homework is done the day it’s due and minimal effort if done at all . How is his concentratiOn? Excluding the iPad ( children with ADHD are usually attracted to screens )