Daughter struggling with frienemies

[nikimummy13]

Hi, I just need to vent a little as apart from husband I have nobody to confide in.

I have been part of a small post natal group for 12 years now as my eldest turned 12 last week. As she went through primary school it became obvious that she has problems with making friends. One of the reasons I sent her to the school was so that she would be with one of the other girls from our little group but as they got to yr1 the dynamic became my daughter desperately wanting the friendship of this girl and the girl starting to use the friendship to torment her because she knew it would get to her. This went on all the way through primary school and was worst in yr6. We regularly encouraged her to make other friendships and she tried but I think she had this idea in her head that she should have a best friend. To compound the problem I am part of this group and we do go places out of school time together which then became more time for this girl to torment her. It's very subtle, like making her 'it' every time and always catching her first in tig because they know she's the slower one. They seem small things but DD was getting really fed up so last summer I really restricted our contact and it was noticed but I don't feel like I can bring it up as it will split the group or at least make things very awkward. Now she has been in yr7 for almost a year and she is still struggling. This girl now is sometimes her friend and sometimes not. I hoped that she would make some more friends and she has really tried. We have had quite a few round after school but low and behold they start also to be moody or mean to her. This morning she asked my why nobody wants to be her friend. She never gets invited to other peoples houses and says that when she walks up and says hello that the other girls just look at each other and smirk. They don't involve her in conversation and don't value her opinion in any way. I'm just fed up with it all. I just wish she could find someone who actually values her. I tell her that she shouldn't rely on someone else for her self worth and happiness but I can imagine how hard it is if nobody seeks you out or is bothered about talking to you. She seems just to hang on the outside of groups. All of the others within our mum group seem to be getting on really well and I feel like I'm hiding this huge secret that my DD is actually struggling every day. I can't make other be friends with her and she can be hard work sometimes because she is uncompromising but it breaks my heart. We have always been on our own as our family live miles away so no aunts/uncles/cousins mums or dads to help. I feel isolated and not sure how to help DD

[MynameisJune]

I’d honestly move her schools, these girls will make her life miserable and unless there is another girl in school willing to go against the bullies then she will never have proper friends.

I begged my mum to move me schools when I was bullied, she wouldn’t and whilst we are still close it’s not something I will ever be able to forgive her for. She made the choice for me that I had to stick it out being bullied and it ruined my GCSE’s and any desire to carry on in education yet I was fairly smart and clever.

I appreciate you need the mother’s, but I would just attend any evening’s out that you can and not bother with meetings with the kids all involved.

Also find a decent babysitter so you can get yourself out and maybe make new friends. My DH works away, I know how tough it it but you need to do this for yourself and DD.

[Lollipop30]

I personally wouldn’t move her schools. She needs to be able to deal with people however nice or not in real life and running away won’t help.
I got bullied and I did move schools. Although I had great friends in my new school, it didn’t teach me how to overcome and deal with that behaviour.
I think she needs to focus on finding likeminded people in extra curricular stuff. Once she doesn’t need them or care about their opinions it will make her less of a target.

[cordeliavorkosigan]

I’d consider moving a whole family over this if you truly have no options where you are. It must be affecting her a lot. And it doesn’t sound like these women are friends you can rely on for any emotional support, so there is not much risk in picking one of them and talking truthfully with her about it.

[SnobblyBobbly]

I’d echo those who have suggested an outside club or group. Are there any youth clubs around? We have three in our area (all through churches although they aren’t religious in content) and DD has been to two of them (they fizzled out eventually) but it was a great way for her to meet other kids, some from completely different schools and some from the secondary school she is joining in Sept but in different year groups.

A bit of diversity can really help, and a friendly face in the playground/corridor can be a lifesaver.

Also, do you think she’d give a drama club a go? Again, DD & DS both go to a drama club - now it’s not 100% my DS’s cup of tea, but he’s made new friends and although he’s no Micheal Ball and he dances like Mr Bean, I think it’s keeping his confidence up. We know several kids at the club who have suffered bullying and the little shows and the group work ethic etc really gives them a boost. I’m not saying it will solve it, but those little victories and a change of scenery shows them that decent friendships aren’t impossible.