8-yo DD is out of control and I am at my wits end

[runningLou]

DD is 8 but is showing behaviour I did not expect before the teenage years. She is incredibly rude and unpleasant to DH and I, regularly storms out of rooms in a huff, slams doors, hits furniture etc. In the past few weeks she has been having meltdowns several times a day - she will get into a disagreement with us about something (e.g. I want black walls in my bedroom / I will not eat breakfast) which will lead to a screaming tantrum and her saying some horrific things - we don't love her, she's not part of the family, we shouldn't care about her ...
I am really, really struggling to parent her right now. I have been in touch with school as I think the root of the problem is bullying and peer pressure. There have been no other triggers at home in terms of changes in the family. I have also been in touch with a child therapist who gave me some suggestions about rewarding good behaviour and sanctions for bad but I have not really been able to implement them as DD just uses these as a provocation.
At the weekend she threw out her diary and said I could read it before binning it. It detailed some bullying incidents at school. I am going to request a meeting with the pastoral lead at school and I would like her to move classes to get away from the girl in question.
Am worried though that I am focusing on school when the issue is her behaviour at home. This morning she had 2 screaming meltdowns before breakfast. She reduced me to tears and I was sobbing in front of 4 yo DS. I am ashamed and guilty but this is ruining our family life.

[runningLou]

DD is doing ok ... a little better I think. I do think the situation at school is key. She is being made to feel excluded/not good enough constantly so spends most of her day at school angry and frustrated - she described to me yesterday feeling like the classroom was too hot and that she had to kick herself under the table as she felt so angry.
She keeps a lid on it at school and it all then comes out at home with the tiniest trigger - e.g. me telling her it's time for bed. Then she absolutely does create drama out of nothing and paint herself as the victim. It's very hard to de-escalate this though. There's no reasoning with her when she's like that and if I leave the room she just ramps up the screaming.
I am currently fighting with the school to get her moved into a different class - school is 3-form entry - as one of the girls she is with is just utterly toxic. School are not budging on this so far though.

[greenbloom]

Could you consider a different school if they won't budge? Have the current school been at all helpful?

[Les8]

I'm going through a very similar phase for the last few months with my 9 year old daughter. I've had sinusitis and a chest infection since Jan and lots of stress at work (I'm a secondary school teacher) and I'm a single parent, so I've just been worn out, physically and emotionally, by it all.

She flares up for what seem to be insignificant reasons and screams, throws things, hits / kicks me and comes out with things like 'I'm sad and angry and I just can't stop crying', 'I'm never going to be happy again', 'There's no point in living, I wish I was dead', 'I'm stupid. I'm never going to be good at anything', 'I'm going to kill myself' etc and has told me to go and kill myself. It gets to the point where I lose it and scream back. Bed and sleep seem to be a flashpoint area and she seemed to have developed a phobia of her bed at one point and says she won't be able to sleep and so there's no point trying. She also claims to see people in her room and to have been hit by invisible people! I think a lot of her behaviour / issues would be helped if she got more sleep - she can easily still be going at 11pm on a school night. She seems to have no memory of these rages afterwards - I filmed her on my phone one night when she was attacking me and the next day she said she didn't remember and denied it was her when I showed her the video!

She has some friendship issues at school - her former best friend has been bullying her and school are aware of this. I've told her to stay out of her way, but the other girl seems to go out of her way to annoy / torment her. I think I'll contact school again before the start of the new term next week. We've had quite a lot of going to school related tantrums and on some mornings we've both ended up in tears.

She has seen a private counsellor a few times and has had an initial CAMHS meeting and is hopefully on the waiting list to see someone. Her dad and I have both had some MH issues (we split up when she was 5 and she sees him every second weekend - she seems to have fun when she's there but is often reluctant to leave me) but I'm hoping that this is all down to pre-teen hormones, with some added Drama Queen-ness thrown in. It is reassuring to know I'm not the only one going through it. Any advice?

[runningLou]

I think this is all down to the bullying tbh. I think it's impossible to over-estimate the effect of bullying/rejection from a former friend. If the school won't take you seriously with this then I would consider moving your DD's school so she can have a positive end to primary.
I have come to the conclusion with DD that the awful things she says when angry are an expression of how she feels when rejected/bullied by friends. She shouts them at me because I am a safe target, whereas with the bully she would bite her tongue. Most of the time she does not report incidents in school and just bottles up the anger and rejection. I have talked about this with her and she seems to have taken some of it on board. With your DD this could be compounded with some feelings about her Dad so it would be great if you could get him on board too.
I also think sleep is really important as DC can become so irrational if overtired. 11pm on a school night for a 9 yo is very late. With DD we have had to use quite a rigid bedtime routine with very clear rules - e.g. you will get into PJs, brush teeth, have X amount of time in your room, lights out is this time, you will get a 5 minute warning etc. This is to avoid flashpoints. She also gets rewards on a chart for good bedtime behaviour. She is still motivated by this at 8. I now refuse to get into any discussions at bedtime. I say 'I will talk about this another time / at breakfast tomorrow etc'. I know that some subjects are guaranteed to cause grief.
Could you get back in touch with the counsellor and ask for advice? With the hitting thing, the therapist I saw said that as long as DD wasn't actually hurting herself (leaving marks) it was best to ignore. Now if DD hits I try to say 'it's not ok to do that. It's not ok for you, and it's not ok for me to watch.' If you can, leave the room when she does it. If you don't think she is safe, sit with her but do not communicate.
This is so hard, I am shocked by the strength of the feelings that can pour out of young girls. Good luck.

[Les8]

It seemed to start in about November when she was still friends with the other girl - she was at her birthday sleepover just before Christmas. She usually hits me rather than herself (although I have seen her slap her face while screaming 'Idiot!') and she's tried to throttle me a few times. It's like she's possessed!