Am I making a terrible decision?

[whitesnake80]

I would really appreciate some advice as I'm struggling with my potential decision to have a termination. I have NC for this but am a regular poster, usually on Chat and AIBU.

I'm 38 and I am 4 weeks pregnant. I also have a DS age 10 from a previous relationship. I was a single parent from his birth until I met DP 3 years ago. We weren't actively trying for a baby, but not being particularly careful either. My DP is in his 40's and has a history of significant health problems. There is a real possibility that he may require an organ transplant in the next ten years.

I really thought I wanted another baby until I got my positive test 4 days ago. Since then I can't sleep, feel overwhelmingly sad for my DS and have only felt relief at the thought I am still early enough to terminate.

I worked long hours when DS was young and missed out on a lot of the toddler stuff. I realise I'm yearning for his early years rather than those with a new child. My DS has said lots of times he doesn't want a sibling. We love having one to one time and we currently do a lot of activities/go on holidays that wouldn't be suitable for a young child. I work 4 days a week and would have to use childcare/my parents - DP wouldn't be able to manage childcare due to his health. I fortunately earn a decent salary and we have a biggish house so would have room/money for an extra child - but I worry in case I will resent DP as I can see my evenings being even more hectic than they are at present.

My final fear - my own health. I am obese with a BMI of 40, and previously had gestational diabetes and pre eclampsia, and DS was premature. And this was when I was 10 years younger and 3 stone lighter.

I have considered arrangements for a termination, but am now feeling torn. I am scared to tell DP - he was ambivalent about trying for a baby on previous discussions, but I know he would be pleased at the news. But he would tell everyone - his family can't keep anything to themselves - last year his SIL has a miscarriage, and although she only confided in one person, we all ended up hearing about it, causing great upset for her.

Please please don't flame me - I am open to all advice. I realise I'm probably a terrible person

[MusicToMyEars800]

that's a good idea OP, I had the implant but I didn't get on with it but I hope it works for you, the good thing is it's 3 years and you don't have to worry about remembering to take a contraceptive. it doesn't hurt having it put in either bit there is lots of bruising afterwards.

[StealthPolarBear]

Presuming you won't be back to this op (as name changing back and forward is a pain) so good luck x